What's worse...?

So yesterday I bitched and whined because Jim wasn't even civil, much less willing to show any sort of support or interest in what has been going on. Today I had to go to GF and he needed a ride to the DMVV - he offered gas $, plus cash to take Bri to Toys R US - many people still would have said no after what's been going on between us, but I of course said sure.

This time he was "nice." We got along fine, left out any deep conversations, and had a fairly nice time. So now I am trying to descide which is more painful, him hating me, or him being semi-nice which causes me to miss him even more then I already do. I don't want to make this whole blog about Jim...it's just so much harder then I had anticipated to move on and get over it. I spent 4 months barely seeing him, while in rehab and the half way house - so I thought if nothing else I learned that I could easily cope without him in my life 24/7. But the difference was that I knew if I needed him, I could call, if something were to happen to my parents - he'd be there, if I was just simply stressed and wanted to snuggle on the couch and forget about everything else, I could. Just knowing that none of that is an option anymore is so lonely feeling. He now has his imfamous truck on the road too, so he'll be out and about even more - another step forward that he's taking while I'm stagnant, yes part of me is jealous. I just miss him, and I've never felt more alone in my entire life then I do now, and it sucks - especially with the current events.

I'm also finding that I have very little patience with anyone lately. I'm snippy, cranky, and miserable much of the time. Brian and I are getting along just fine, it seems like he's the only person I'm not acting that way with. I'm just trying so hard to become someone that I like, that I can be proud of, that Brian can be proud to call his mom - and as of now I'm not even close to being that person....I'm just not a active junkie, which is an obvious perk, but still I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

I crave socialization, work, contributing to my family, being an amazing mom, fun, happiness, independence (that I'm content with,) my parents to be healthy, the list goes on and on. I just don't feel any true bonds with anyone but my son right now, no one that I can fully be myself around, trust, fall apart in front of, be non-judged around...I've always had friends, this is the first time I've ever honestly been so alone, and it is just coming at such a shitty time.

On a non whining note although - I was able to stop into family court today while Jim was at the DMV, and put in the request for another court date due to changes in our circumstances. Hopefully I'll get a court date soon and be granted at LEAST joint custody.

Mom's doing about the same, still really weak - and today she's been vommitting, not sure what's causing that...but again I'll let you know as we know what's up.

Jim's going to LI next week, and he wants Brian to go. Brian is actually being open to it, to my surprise...because he can't ever deal with being away from me at night...much less two. But since they would be on a big trip, and busy the whole time I think he'd be fine. It's important too for the two of them to spend some serious time together, and for Brian to get to know his fathers family...but we'll see what happens there.

As far as the Suboxone goes - things are going just fine. No it isn't the miracle drug I was hoping for...and no it doesn't get me high - like some were concerned about...but it does reduce cravings and gives me a feeling of a little "normal" reinstated back into my brain. So I'll continue to take it for awhile and see how it continues to work, and I'll keep you posted.

Brian's getting tired, so I'm going to get him ready for bed. Love to you all...

Krista 411 - that I haven't been doing lately :
February is the worst month in the world for me and many others. My friend Steve, whom I had known since kindergarten, graduated with, went to acc with - died in a car accident 2/02
My grandfather who was like a second dad to me was diagnosed with cancer and died three weeks later on 2/21/02
Jim's father died also in 2/02
My boyfriend Matt and I broke up also in 2/02
My grandfather was buried on the day of his wedding anniversary to my grandmother
2/03 my BEST friend and first love was diagnosed with cancer who fought hard for years before passing away in 7/07
So February sucks for me! This year will be rough too, Jim proposed to me the day before Valentines Day, then of course we have the dreaded VDAY...and our 5th year wedding anniversary is coming up in the beginning of March.