I've always been a big fan of poetry and good quotes. It's ironic too because I always HATED to read - in school if we had to read a book and do a report on it, I would read the first chapter and the last chapter and bullshit my way right through the essay and they would even be good enough to pass. I never was held back in school having to repeat a year, and that is a miracle - not because I'm not intelligent, but because I was lazy, never wanting to do a damn thing, and doing just enough to fly below the radar. See ever since I was a kid I had a built in bullshitter in me, like some sort of tumor that cannot be seen by other people, but in my case it's something that caused(s) me to try to talk my way out of any and everything...always wanting to debate, even if what I'm debating on is something that I'm not fully informed on - I just always have to be right, and even when it gets to the point that I realize that my opponent is right and I am wrong, I will still continue. I am a good arguer, a good fighter, I can spin circles around anyone with my mouth - and again even if I'm wrong I sometimes do this so well that the other person by the end thinks that what I am saying is correct. I am a "word warrior" - at least that's what I've been called. None the less the point of all these examples is that I believe every addict or alcoholic has some sense of that built in bullshitter. There were plenty of signs during my childhood and teens that I had an addictive personality, and my bullshitting, smooth talking, complacency, laziness, compulsiveness about certain things, couldn't take no for an answer - always wanting what I wanted and now, and many more other traits are things that I now look back on using the education I've gained during my treatment and I realize just how lined up to becoming an addict I was since childhood. Hindsight really is 20/20! Most of my character defects, the things I hate the most about myself, my personality, the way my brain works, are things that I also disliked about myself when I was a child. I was always very self conscious and not a confident girl, but I always would cover it up with an attitude of me being hot shit, especially when I was in high school. In my younger years when I was tormented by my classmates I couldn't cover it up too well, I wore my heart on my sleeve and everyone would know that they were getting to me, which would cause them to always dig in deeper. Kids are mean, that's just the way it is. So after all those years of being quiet and letting them give it to me I decided to change my attitude. I chose to try my hardest to look nice every day, and I walked around giving the impression of confidence...as they say I faked it until I made it - and eventually because of this new persona, this new attitude I had gained, the fact that I was no longer every ones whipping post - I did get noticed for good instead of bad. Some of the boys started liking me. And I actually had a pretty good group of girlfriends as well. It's just so funny how quick it can happen - from 9th grade until I graduated things progressively got better...but for an example - in my school since it is so small 9th-12th graders can go to prom, and the prom is sponsored by the Junior class. I went to the prom in 9th and 10th grades, both times with friends. When I became a junior and it was my prom not only did I not go, but I was not included in any part of the process. Like every school there is a prom king and queen, and a court. In every grade but 11th one guy and one girl is voted to be on the court...in 11th grade it is 5 of each. I had obviously never made court before, the odds were pretty slim, especially since there was only one chosen per grade...but I kind of expected to my junior year since there were 5 open spots. My school was also TINY, so it's not like I had massive competition. Long story short I didn't even make court my junior year and that crushed me. But where I'm going here is that in my Senior year I was the 1 girl chosen to represent the seniors in the prom court. So my high school status gradually got better in some ways and got better in massive speeds at other points. But that all played a big part in my self confidence, my fake attitude, always being a follower and not a leader, always trying to fit someone Else's mold. Because of all that plus many other factors here I am at 27 and I have no idea what the true Krista really is like, and that's what I'm working on the most right now at this stage of my recovery - the bits and pieces of myself that I know are the real me I tend to like and be proud of, so hopefully when all is said and done I'll find out who I am and like that person - which will go hand in hand with me having a better self image and self confidence. God how do I get going on these rants ? I start with one thought in my head, and I end up going in 5 other directions along the way. I could never be a real writer or author...could you imagine trying to follow a novel that I had wrote, lol?
Ok so like I mentioned there are certain quotes, messages, poems, sayings, etc that I really enjoy...some that make me laugh, some that bring me comfort, some that make me think, and some that just make me evaluate. So here are a few of my favorites for you to read...and if you've really been keeping up with this crazy project of mine, being the blog, then you've already read a few quotes that I wrote down a few posts back.
So here I go -
This one was given to me by my grandmother written on a little card. She didn't know how to comfort me, what to say to me, or how to even be around me because I was so devastated all the time during the last months of Ellis' life. She gave me this a few weeks before he died - we all knew very well that it was definitely going to happen, and this really did help me find a little comfort in such a hopeless situation. So I don't know who wrote this so I cannot give credit - but here it is...
God saw you were getting tired,
and a cure was not to be,
so he put his arms around you
and whispered, "come to me."
With tearful eyes we watched you,
and saw you slip away.
Although we loved you dearly,
we couldn't make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
hard-working hands at rest.
God BROKE our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the BEST.
Now don't you agree that that is just a beautiful and comforting thing to read in a situation like the one I was going through? No one had any idea what to say to me, no one I've ever met had ever gone through anything like what I was going through. People can compare what it's like to loose a parent, a sibling, a friend, a spouse - but how many people know what it would be like to loose your first love, whom you continued to have in your life fully for years after the relationship ended - who told me many times that he was in love with me, even after I was married with a child - he actually cried when I told him I was engaged. And how many people can compare to being a married woman, spending 5 or 6 hours a day with their ex who is dying of cancer, and whom she may be falling back in love with? It was just a really odd situation, so simple readings such as this one would comfort me the most.
Ok here is a poem that means so much to me because it was written by my father to my mother. He used to write her cards and poems and letters all the time, and I loved them all but this is one of my favorites so here I go...
To my Dear Deb,
I could have bought you flowers,
or maybe a diamond ring.
I could have bought you candy,
or almost anything.
But all I need to give you
dear on this special day,
is love that only I can give
in my own special way.
I'll hold you when you happy,
tighter when your sad.
I'll love you throughout the good times,
and more throughout the bad.
And when it's time to leave you
to heaven I will go,
With these soft words,
upon my lips...
MY LOVE I'VE LOVED YOU SO!
with all my heart and soul - Frank
My parents have been married for almost 28 years, and they have gone through some major hardships. My dad was diagnosed when I was only a year old, and my mom at only 25 years old found herself married to a much older man who was now sick - that she loved too much to walk away. My dad also had to deal with issues due to my mom's alcoholism...obviously neither of them are or were perfect. He's 14 years older then she, and he was on his 4th marriage when they tied the knot, no one thought it would last. Not only have they proven that their love is strong enough to endure anything, but my dad's proven that willpower can keep you alive 15 years longer and still going then the doctors said he would live. In my opinion they are a miracle - even with all the dysfunction, problems, arguments, health issues, etc etc their love is what I will strive for if I marry again - and the way they love each other so unconditionally is the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed between a man and a woman. SO GO MOM AND DAD, you rock! @---<---- I love them so much.
Now a few that are just some quotes, not long, and no big story to go with them - I have to get to bed soon so I won't write much longer - a little relieved are you? HAHA. OK here I go.
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone and forgetting about yourself." - Bill Cosby
"In 3 words I can sum up everything in life - it goes on." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Good friends we have, oh good friends we have lost along the way, in this great future you can't forget your past so dry your tears I saw, no woman no cry, no woman no cry, dear little darling don't shed no tears." -Bob Marley
"The future belongs to those who prepare for it today." - Malcolm X
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
"Times have changed and times are strange, here I come but I ain't the same." - Ozzy Osbourne
"Don't it make you sad to know that life is more then who we are?" - Goo Goo Dolls
"You only live once, but if you do it right once is enough." - Unknown
"Live for today, learn from yesterday and dream for tomorrow." - I forgot
"Life is what happens when your too busy planning it." - My mom always used to say it but I'm not sure if she had read it somewhere or not.
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