Hello everyone. Surprisingly enough, I am not bitter and angry this Valentines day, which I was kinda planning on being. I guess I grew up a little and realized that it's stupid to be anymore upset today then any other day just because of what it says on the calender...I'm not anymore or any less in the situation's I am in today then any other time - so at least I'm not allowing myself to wallow and chill in a self pity pot for the night. It might sound like a small feat to you, but for me it's a huge improvement on how I think, in the past I would have used any excuse I could find to play the victim and try to get people to show compassion for me because "my life was just too horrible, to imagine." Oh god, I can't imagine how anyone who was in my life then can still be in my life now, and why they wouldn't have just walked, I should say ran, away from me like I had the plague...I guess I should just consider myself lucky that more people then not did actually stick around, and care enough about me to hope that I would snap out of it and make changes in how I thought, acted, lived, and was. Anyhow sometimes it really boggles my mind who I am, the good and bad qualities I have, and sometimes I think "damn people are lucky to be my friend, I CAN (not always) be funny, loyal, non-judgemental, intelligent, a good listener who sometimes offers good advice, loving, caring and super cool person..." while other times I think "Wow, I am so fucked up in the head, if I can't figure out how to accept me unconditionally and love me the same way, how could I ever imagine anyone else could?" I'm sure many people question themselves and feel measures of the occasional self doubt. Again I have to remind myself of my new motto "I am not unique" because as I said in that speech I posted back when I first started this blog, it was that idea that I was so different from everyone else, had it so much worse, deserved so much better without making it happen for myself - after all the world owed me as far as I was concerned - that was such a contributing factor in my flaws/defects of character and the bad things that I allowed to happen in my life, thinking of myself as unique was where a lot of it went wrong in my own head. So it is important for me to remind myself of my non-uniqueness (that so isn't a word, is it? LOL) For me thinking I was so unique was more about a false pride, and a big ego that I never knew I had, I've learned that it's more then possible to be proudful and egotistical while still having low self-esteem and confidence along with a poor self image, it sounds like they are polar opposites and would contridict themselves, but in all honesty that what it all boiled down to for me. Phew enough of the psycho blabber, I even sometimes get sick of my constant analysis of myself and everyone else - I really should have done amazing in school and have my PHD as a shrink by now, if only :O)
Anyhow I did go out last night with Miss Molly and Katy, and actually ran into Jess too who is another really old friend of mine. Jess, Katy and I all lived on the same block for a few years while we were all really young and we were all together all the time. If you didn't know though, if your not a girl, or if you are and were just more mature then me and my friends were when you were young - 3 young girls should NEVER hang out together! The 3 of us used to torment one another...two would always bully and gang up on the other, someone was always devistated at our sleepover's or "play dates." I really think most girls are like that, so if you have girls take my advice seriously...always have your daughter hang out with a even number of friends, it sounds rediculous but us women were awful when we were young and for some reason really loved to hate our friends, haha - I'm chuckling because I know for a fact that if any of my childhood friends, especially Katy and Jess end up reading this then they will be laughing and nodding their heads in agreement because it really is our childhood to a T. Anyhow Jess and I haven't been SUPER close for years and years, pretty much since we've been adults, always cordial and always liked seeing each other but never have nearly as much a part of eachothers lives in the present like we were in the past. I'd like to work on that though, I was so genuinly happy to see her last night, and she lives so close that in my opinion we should try to reconnect. Us girls we talking last night about the 4 uf us, and how Molly, Katy and I all started relationships with our future husbands in the same period as one another...Jess married her highschool sweetie so it was different with her, but she married young, as did I and Katy - Molly has taken it slower and it's seemingly paying off as she and her fiancee are happy and soon to be married. Anyhow we were talking statistics, and how the divorce rate is supposably a little more then 50%...and in our group of friends it's proven to be very true. Jess and her husband are seperated and have been for awhile, just aren't legally divorced as of yet - obviously Jim and I are not working things out and will eventually be legally divorced - another childhood friend of our's who I haven't mentioned yet, but her name is Miss Laura S. got married pretty young too (in the weirdest of circumstances imagineable so it's not a surprise) but she's legally divorced...then we have Katy and her husband who are together and happy - and Molly and her fiancee Thom who are happy and on their way to marridal bliss. So with us it is more then 50% of a divorce rate, so we're right along with the national average, yay for us, haha. Boy I can't mention Laura without giving a quick quick briefing of her strange marriage, if you read this Laura, I write with the upmost love and respect, but your story always blew my mind so I have to write about it, lol, I'm just so happy that your with a great guy now and as I've heard are very happy! Anyhow - miss Laura met a Mr. Jay at a gas station. Mr. Jay was from Moracco. They were together so quickly and were moving so fast...in part because he wanted an American Visa, and what an easy way to obtain that, marry and American. Mr. Jay was "nice" I suppose, but in ,y opinion always a little "off," but for a little while Laura seemed happy so we were happy for her but with our reservations, by our I mean our little group of friends. I'm not sure exactly how long they were married but he ended up in prison for dealing massive amounts of random drugs and is being deported - and Laura is now happy in a "normal" relationship, but boy did it blow all of our minds that she met this forienger at a gas station, married him within seconds, then he was in prison, now being deported...how odd. That was a lot of writing to say what I was trying to get at, which was out of the 5 of us 3 are no longer married - I could have easily just written that, huh?
But I did go out and meet up with my 3 old friends. I had a good time, but I was so exhausted from my recent lack of sleep that I bailed early and didn't have nearly as much fun as the situation could have allowed...but none the less it was good to see everyone, and I got out of the house, so all and all it was def. worth it.
My son is lying in the bed behind me right now and I told him he could watch one more show before bedtime - he asked if I would lie down and cuddle him - I said, I'm doing something as soon as your show is over we're going to bed and we'll cuddle there- his answer to that was - ok lets go to bed, I just want to snuggle with you. HOW CUTE IS HE? So I'll write more later, but I have to snuggle with my beautiful baby because that's all he wants, and I am a lucky mom for it. Talk to ya soon.
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