Wow I know I am not the only mother who feels this way, but it seems like whenever I think my heart is so full that it isn't possible to love Brian anymore then I already do, something happens to prove me wrong and I fall so deeply in love again - practically on a daily basis. I simply just cannot imagine how much this universe would be lacking if he were not a part of it, he's just such an insightful, amazing, caring, beautiful, funny, loving, intelligent, child - and tonight we had a great and sad night, so let me write about that instead of just going on and on about how spectacular my kid is, lol.
A quick mention of Bri and I's sledding adventure...it was a new sled, it wasn't blowing up right to begin with, but I thought it was good enough to go - we went and it was flat after his first trip down...poor kid - especially since it takes 20 minutes to get him ready to go outside, 20 minutes taking off all the shit we put on, and he only got a few minutes outside....but anyhow about tonight - First off my mom has been in bed ALL day long, except for a few small chunks of time throughout the day. I made another spectacular, healthy meal that I fed both her and my dad, she ate well - then went back to bed. It isn't even just like she's just lying there depressed, she is down right sound asleep, and has been all day - which is worrying me...she's just still so weak, and now she's sleeping more then she's awake, it just isn't setting well with me. Anyhow my dad was up all night last night - so after dinner mom went back to bed and I forced my father to lie down...he's just like a toddler who tries to stay awake until there eyes just can't force themselves open anymore...he fights it, and I don't understand why...but he does. My dad's hospital bed is right in our living room, so I knew the only way to possibly get him to sleep was to turn off the TV, and occupy Brian in his playroom, which Brian just loves anyhow - any of us playing with him in his special room, his domain - for some reason he find it so much cooler then us playing with him anywhere else.
Then began our 2 hour "train village" adventure. He has hundreds of pieces of something called Geo Trax - it's a brand of train sets...he's been collecting tracks, trains, signs, people, every accessory under the sun for a couple years now. So when all the pieces are utilized it takes up his toy room in it's entirety. Setting up the train isn't good enough for us though, we set up an amazing track - with every single piece of track he has - then we decorate...making a full Geo Trax town - filled with a fire house, school, factory, park, windmill, etc...we also then create our own little parts, like an airport, construction paper tree's, wooden benches, lakes, etc...enough enough like anyone cares exactly how our train village is built, lol. The point is here though that I really enjoyed his company tonight, as he did mine - sometimes just sitting on the floor for hours on end talking and playing with Brian is the best and most productive times in my life.
Then things got a little hard though, and I ended up having a conversation with Brian that I was totally not prepared to have. He has this bear, named Berry - real original I know...but he's had this bear since his first birthday and he goes everywhere with us, and Berry sometimes acts as a communication tool for Brian. Sometimes Brian gets really shy or embarrassed so he pretends his bear is the one with the questions or whatever and uses him as a middle man/bear. Well tonight out of no where Brian and I had this conversation that I'm just going to quote word for word, well as much as I can remember.
B - "Mom Berry is upset and I think he needs to talk to you, he's really sad."
Me - "Ok hunny what is wrong with Berry?"
B - "Your just going to have to ask him, he won't talk to me about it."
Me - "So Berry whats going on tonight, will you tell me what is the matter?"
Brian in Berry's voice that he's created - "I am scared your going to die."
Me, totally shocked and heartbroken by the answer I got I could only ask why.
Brian as Berry, so we'll use BB - " I don't know I just think your going to die.
Me - "How long have you felt this way hunny, when did this start?"
BB - "The night that Brian and I lost you (meaning the day I was arrested.)
Me - "Brian that will never happen again, you don't have to worry about that."
Brian " Mom Berry is the one who's upset not me, so tell him."
Me " Ok Berry, that day was a terrible day, but never was I going to die, and I'm not going to die now, you really don't have to worry about that right now at all baby."
Brian - "But isn't dying when someone goes away and you never see them again?"
Me - "Yes honey, but it's not the same as what happened with us, when someone dies they go to heaven because they are sick or it's their time to go and be in a better place...when that happened to you and me and Berry I wasn't ever going to heaven. I had to go to a place to get better because I was sick, I wasn't going somewhere to die. And again I know how terrible that was for you and Brian, Berry - I know how scared you were, but it's over now and that will never happen again. Will you please promise me to come talk to me whenever your upset or scared or worried about something from now on, instead of just sitting and worrying by yourself - you can talk to me about anything, I promise I'll listen and do everything I can to help and make you feel better."
Brian " OK Mom I think Berry feels better. I'll make sure to tell him to go and talk to you next time he's upset, but it wasn't me - really, it was him - I wasn't worried at all."
That's the gist of our conversation. It broke my heart for so many reasons. 1st off since we had never been apart for even a single night until I was arrested what he said tonight clarified that he really didn't believe he would ever see me again. When we've talked about death before that's pretty much how I described it, it's when someone goes away and you don't ever see them again, but they go to a better place up in heaven and become our angels....none the less no matter how many times he spoke to me, or was told that I was going to come home as soon as I could, that I wasn't gone forever, attempted to be reassured by everyone here at home that cares about him - he still didn't believe for an entire 42 days that he would never see me again - and then when I did come home it was for only one night and then it was off to the half way house....this poor child just has gone through more then a lot of people my age, and I hate myself because it's my fault that he has had to endure 75% of the hard things in his life that he's had happen. The 2nd reason that this really upset me was because since it had never been mentioned before, I think it has to do with the current health situation here at home with my parents...he's very perceptive and he knows that Nonnie (his name for mom) is really sick - and I think he is scared that she is going to die. The bad part about it is that I cannot say much to comfort him, I can't promise that she'll get better, I can't promise that she isn't dying. I can just tell him how much her and Poppie love him and that both of them will do whatever it takes to ensure that they get to spend as much time with him as possible before going to heaven. That they love him so much that even as wonderful as heaven will be they would rather be here with him. I hope that helps, but I just don't know how to answer the questions that inevitably are going to come up. We've talked about June 6th - the day I was arrested, many times - I've learned how to answer those questions for the most part, but today was just especially hard because I realized that he associated what happened with me dying...and that he is still scared of it happening again. So I don't know it was just like I said earlier - an amazing and hard night with my son tonight and I thought I'd sit down and process it a little by writing...it's funny because that really is what this blog has become for me - a way to process things that are scrambling around in my head, after I am done writing I feel like I have a better handle on my emotions and what I'm dealing with or thinking about - so even though the actual blog might not make much sense, it helps in the end sort through some of the shit in my own head...like I said it's just a way to process.
Also another event that occurred - After Brian went to sleep, I came into my mom's room and sat down at the computer, turned on the TV, and she didn't move a muscle - usually she's a very light sleeper. After a few minutes sitting here I ended up going and waking up my dad because the way she was breathing was really labored - it sounded very strained. So who knows more about what it sounds like to have a hard time breathing then my dad? He came in and we woke her up, and when she came too enough she even acknowledged that she was having a hard time catching her breath. It pays to have tons of breathing stuff in this house at times - I helped her to the couch, set her up with my dad's portable O2 tank, turned it up high and there she is sitting now as I write. I also gave her a nebulizer treatment, and now she is breathing much better. I'm just really freaked out though - it seems like things are occurring with her quickly and progressively. I can't help but be reminded of my grandfather who was diagnosed with liver cancer 3 weeks before he died. 3 weeks - how unbelievably fast is that? I know she doesn't have cancer - but it is liver disease, and there are similarities...not to mention my memories of the last month of Ellis' life. He had such terrible bloating that he looked 8 months pregnant, had to get it drained once a week, until he stopped all treatment. He also would have moment of fogginess- not clear thinking - and my mom is showing signs of that a lot too. That can happen because the liver filters ammonia and when it doesn't do that and the ammonia levels get high it can cause confusion and basically fuck up the brain...so all and all I'm just pretty scared right now, and super relieved that we are seeing her GI specialist tomorrow. But I'm going to go hang out with her and dad, since it's late and we're all up for the same reasons - fear...we mine as well be scared together. I'll write tomorrow and let you know how the doc's went.
Oh and luckily Jim has the day off tomorrow, so my dad doesn't have to watch Brian all day while my mom and I are gone - he's so exhausted I would not even feel comfortable leaving Brian here without me...so Jim is actually contributing in an important way tomorrow, lets hope he makes a habit of it....it seems petty with everything else that is going on - but I really am positive that he's seeing someone, which makes me physically and emotionally ill, he made a comment tonight on the phone - he told me to make sure and call his cell in the AM tomorrow to make sure he's home and not running late before I drop Brian off. So where is he spending the night? God it kills me, but I'm so not about to get into all that right now - at this hour- with so much else on my mind...so goodnight.
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