I can't believe how big, smart, intuitive, thoughtful and amazing my child is becoming. He is supposed to be going to Long Island Wednesday with his father for two nights - since I was away we haven't spent two nights apart, so I'm a little nervous. Just a little while ago I was putting him to bed and we were talking about the trip, and I asked him if he thought he was ready to go that far away without me...he said "I'll miss you mommy but I'll be just fine." I then said "I'll miss you too honey, and I'm sure I'll be worried the whole time, so call me whenever you want to." His reply to that was " I know you're going to miss me, but don't be too sad - this will be good for you...you can watch your own shows for two days without any cartoons and you can sleep late in the morning because I won't be here to wake you up...plus I'll leave "date" (a stuffed puppy of his) with you too so you won't be too sad." To me that just was the sweetest things to say and so thoughtful - and so loving that he was worried about me, knowing that I'm sure he's a little apprehensive about it too, but still reassuring me that he'll and I will be just fine.
The only reason I'm nervous at all is because he doesn't know Jim's family, we have only been there with him 2 or 3 times his whole life, and they've never been here...and he's so shy as it is. Plus he always wants me to pick him up when he's at Jim's before bedtime so he can sleep here with me. But the big difference is that this will be an adventure, a big trip for him and his daddy. I do think it will be good for both of them to have that whole time together without distractions or my influence - since Jim hates my influence what so ever as it is now a days. So I think it's important for him to go, I'm just a little worried...but I had to share that little story about what he said to me tonight because like I said I was so impressed by him - he's only 4 and sometimes he acts 12...but yes I know I'm not the only parent who thinks their child is a genius or spectacular, maybe I'm just the only parent that thinks that and is correct, lol.
Although I felt like I was in a total fog the entire day, from that damn sleeping pill last night I still was able to accomplish some stuff that needed to be done. I cleaned out the fridge, medicine cabinet, organized a few drawers and cupboards, and did some impressive cooking. For lunch I made an amazing Bruchetta - cherry tomatoes, onions, garlic, parsley, and red peppers all cut up real small and thrown in a pot with oil to soften and simmer - then I cut up a really good baguette and brushed it with balsamic vinaigrette - the I spooned all the veggies onto the bread and topped it with real mozzarella and put it in the over until the bread got all toasted and the cheese melted - IT ROCKED! Then I made a healthy dinner for mom's benefit especially... I broiled some perch fillets with a bunch of veggies left over from my lunch, also with pepper and lemon. I served the veggies on top of the fish with a whole grain rice on the side - also amazing. I've always enjoyed cooking, but for some reason never really have stuck to it for more then a few nights in a row - again I show you all that I can't stick with anything for long. Either way I ate great today, as did my parents...Brian of course had a personal pizza, go-gurts, goldfish, juice, a lollipop, ice cream, vitamin, toast with cream cheese, and a few chunks of that mozzarella - he's such a terrible and picky eater. I'm going to try and work on that too though and start making one meal at night and sitting down with him at the table - if he tries it and eats it - great - if not I will refuse to make him a totally separate meal and only offer him something like yogurt, cereal, or toast...eventually he'll get sick of that crap and start eating real people food, I hope.
I was thinking about something earlier today that has always really pissed me off - when someone is doing the right things or good things they are so much less likely to be noticed. When someone is fucking up, or not doing things that other people think they should be doing, it's always pointed out and noticed...why are people more likely to do that, pick you apart for the bad and not build you up for the good? I obviously noticed this most when I was really fucking up, people knew and gossipped and talked about every aspect of my life...then when I got clean and was doing better the chatter stopped real quick, and the word probably hasn't even reached everyone in all this time that I am clean and doing well, because who wants to hear that stuff, the bad always seems more interesting, right? I've been a part of this way of thinking before too, so I'm not being judgmental, I've gossiped and talked shit with the best of them - I'm not proud of it - but why is it that way? Why wouldn't people naturally want to hear about the good in people more then they would want to know about the bad? Aren't people generally kind hearted, decent, and wishing well upon their peers...?...or is this something we would all like to believe but just isn't the case? Last week I had an incident that wasn't based on gossip it was a conversation between me and a family member that was similar to what I'm speaking of. (We've since talked about it, and things are fine between us, she needed to vent - which I obviously also always need to do, and it's all cleared up now but it hurt when it happened. She began pointing out certain things that I had done in the past, IE: not taking good care of my parents car, and putting so many miles on it, to most likely go to Schenectady. IE: My parents wouldn't be so hard up financially as they are if I hadn't contributed to it. IE: Things about Jim, which I mentioned in another blog - I hate feeling like I have to defend him, especially when I'm angry at him - but sometimes people go to far and don't give him any credit for anything good he's done - and don't understand that I still love him (as someone I've spent 8 years with, the father of my son, and someone I do miss at time) people don't know why I have any good feelings towards him, and don't respect that I do sometimes and just go free with their tongue which hurts me, along with making me feel like I have to defend him. She also pointed out how messy my parents car was - and I'm the only one driving it - and it was filled with crap, that shouldn't have been in it...but in my defence cleaning out the car at any time in the last month or so hasn't really even crossed my mind. She also pointed out that our walkway wasn't shoveled good enough and there was a thick layer of ice on it, saying how dangerous it would be for my mom, and telling me that her walk way is clear as can be so it being all ice is no excuse. The last thing she threw my way was the fact that the garage was filled up again with garbage. 1/2 of what was in there was from while I wasn't even here - it was cleaned 100% while I was still in jail, but from then until 4 months later none of that was my doing...also it costs $3.00 per bag to have it picked up on garbage day or to take it to the dump, and we really don't have any extra money laying around. But the point is that I started crying, got all defensive, so hurt and angry, but why? She has more then a right to her opinions, especially since she's done so much for my parents and myself - she has a right to vent when she's stressed out and worried - she had the right to tell me what she thought was wrong. I was also so offended because I felt like she was finding all the things that in her mind I was failing to do, or not doing right - and not mentioning all the things I was. This was the day after my mom got home from the hospital, and to remind you my dad had been in there a week before she was admitted - so I've had a lot going on there...also being a single mom, raising Brian all but a few hours a week alone, dealing with a separation from my husband- its not like he's just some boyfriend that broke my heart, he has been my other half for my entire adult life...I'm also still doing outpatient, staying clean, recently began Suboxone which takes getting used to, etc. So I was hurt more that she disregarded that stuff and mentioned all the other. But she did have some valid points - what did I say I spent 2 hours doing yesterday? I bagged up 12 contractor bags of shit from the garage and made 3 trips to the dump. I also have done some serious work on the pathway, chipping away at all the ice. The last few days I've been cleaning and picking up a lot more around the house...and I even cleaned the car spotless, vacuumed and all. So she had many points, and those things did need to get done, and after the crying and defensiveness diminished I was able to see that. I think it's hard for anyone to hear things that they are failing at, or to hear of their own character defects - but if your capable of being open minded you might learn from what others do say - not just anyone, but the people who do care about you and aren't just trying to hurt your feelings. Yet, like anyone else it is a beautiful thing when your able to hear about the things your doing correctly, the things that they may even be proud of....in my mind it should be a 50%-50% kind of thing.
One of my biggest character flaws in the past always was that I thought of myself as a victim, of my surroundings, my upbringing, my life in general, my loneliness that has been in me since I was a child, etc. I'm trying so hard to break that kind of thinking, to be grateful for all I do have and stop dwelling on the things I don't. It's just extra hard in times like this to not feel like a victim, to not have the "why me" attitude. Sometimes lately I feel like I should be getting a little break, because of all that's been going on - but I have to be so careful of that kind of thinking - that little break could turn so easily into laziness, indifference, " I deserve to be numb for just one night" all sorts of negative things could come from that kind of mentality. So I'm doing my best to drop that attitude, that character defect of mine, to not allow excuses to come into my vocabulary. Everyone goes through their own shit, sometimes mine might be a little harder and more difficult then others shit - but sometimes my life could never compare to how terrible and difficult others have it. I have many flaws, but right now I think that's the one I should be most careful of - self pity - so please know I'm aware of it, and in my blogs I'm not trying to get pity, I write these almost as if no one would ever read it, like a journal. I lived so dishonestly for so many years - one lie to cover another to cover another - that I feel I have to live by the polar opposite for awhile to re-wire my brain into knowing how to again be an honest person, if that makes any sense - and that's the reason I share all my thoughts, my story, my daily grind, with anyone who actually reads - because I need to instead of hiding every aspect of my life like I did for 4+ years, I need to divulge it all, brutal honesty...so that's one of the reasons this blog is here, in case you were wondering.
That's all for tonight, I need to try to get some serious sleep without any pill to help, to try and make my way through this terrible drugged up feeling I've had all day - and not the kind of drugged up feeling that I ever liked, more like a bad hang over....so sleep is what I need. I'll write more I'm sure tomorrow. Also if your reading this regularly please add yourself as a follower, and give me some comments every now and then. I just would like to know who if anyone actually is reading this - I know I got 6 followers, so that's something :O) Have a good night and a wonderful Monday.
No comments:
Post a Comment