Yesterday Jim asked if I would pick him up from work and bring him and Brian over to his apartment if he gave me gas money - so him and Bri could spend some time together. I didn't mind at all. So listen to what I did. I got ALL made up, hair, makeup, cute as can be outfit, a whole conversation lined up in my head that we would have- ect. I get to Gore and he says "oh I have a ride for us, so I'll see you when you pick him up." Then I go to pick Brian up a few hours later, again trying to look as good as possible - and he has a friend there, he barely says two words to me and I'm back in the car. THEN today I went and picked Brian up some stuff he needed that Jim said he would reimburse me for, if I had receipts of course. So I got what we needed, and stopped by his apartment. He asked if on my way back to NC I could drop him off at Gore, which I was actually happy to do - meaning we would have 10 minutes in the car together to possibly communicate. NOPE. He wanted nothing to do with any conversation. I know we shouldn't be together, I'm not trying to win him back - but being civil, having someone to talk to during so much shit that going on, the only someone I've had consistently for 8 years - wants a big fat ZERO to do with me. He doesn't want to hear about anything I'm going through, he doesn't care. In his words he's considering this a business transaction - we'll see when we trade Brian off, and I'll get $ in the mail once a month (yeah right.) He feels like he has to be so cruel and cold and terrible to me so I get it through my head that it's over, which is so not necessary. I get it! I DO. He also said that he hasn't met anyone yet, but he is looking - because he's moved on enough to where he would like to have a woman in his life....yeah that was a knife in the heart. I know I should just move on, it's so much easier said then done. I'm not mourning the marriage, honestly, I'm mourning the companionship, friendship, the person I could cry to, talk to, who knew 100% whatever there is to know about me...that's what I miss - and that's what he's so unwilling to give to me. He'd be happy if he never had to see me again, can you imagine what that feels like? As it is now I lay eyes on him for maybe 7 minutes a week, and even that is too unbearable for him to take. He hates me, he's disgusted by me, there is nothing he finds endearing or attractive about me anymore - and that rips me apart. 6 weeks ago he was telling me he loved me and only me, that we were going to make this work, and today he wishes I would fall off the face of the earth. I don't know it's just such a hard pill to swallow, and it's really killing me the more it sinks in.
Anyhow - work still hasn't started, which is getting so frustrating. It's my lifeline to any chance at financial freedom, meeting people, getting out of this house, out of my own head, a way to give Brian more, to help my parents more, to feel useful - like I am more then just a drug addict without the drugs...and not even that is forcing patience that I am running out of.
I love spending time with Brian, we've been getting along so well - doing so much together - I've gotten back any trust he had lost in me...but it's not his responsibility to be my everything, I need something else, ya know?
I have to run for now, but I'll be back later tonight. I found a free AOL trial so I have a computer temporarily at home - thank god....so I'll probably be blogging much more frequently, just to warn you all.
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