Hey everyone - So last night I ended up getting a whole 3 hours of sleep and boy do I feel it...I used to be able to function just fine on that few of hours, but it must be that I'm getting old because I feel terrible. Of course I promised Brian too that we would go sledding today on his new inner tube - so now I'm stuck keeping the promise...especially since he's bummed about not going to Long Island.
I had a nice night with my mom though so it was worth it. I got off the computer so freaked out after reading those scary statistics that I was doing all I could to not break down right in front of her - because she was up super late last night as well. I wasn't about to tell her what I had read, she's scared enough without hearing the worst case scenario's - no reason to get ahead of ourselves...I just must like torturing myself by looking up the worst case scenario, but no need for her or anyone else to be like that. So for anyone who read the blog I had written all freaked out - don't do what I did, take those stat's with a grain of salt, because everyone is different and we don't know anything for sure. She has a doctors appointment tomorrow that I'm going to with her at her GI Specialists, so he's the one to tell us exactly what's going on. I'll be sure to let everyone know if we find anything out - he'll have her labs back from her blood work so at least we'll be able to find out if her liver enzymes are any better. But I'll be sure to let you know. As I was saying though we ended up having a nice night. I went out to the living room around 1 when I finally got off this addicting computer, made myself a "healthy" brownie sundae, we watched some stupid show on comedy central and just bullshitted a little bit. A little while after I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open but I didn't want to go to bed yet, and leave her up alone with her own thoughts and concerns, Dad was sleeping...and she even came right out and said she hoped I would stay up with her for a little while longer - so I did. Then came the totally out of character thing that happened - see for some reason my mom and I have never been really affectionate - always lots of "I love You's" and verbal stuff, but not tons of hugs and kisses, some but not tons. There have of course been plenty of times that I was upset or heartbroken or whatever that she was a typical mom and hugged and squeezed me...but like I said she just isn't a real affectionate person, with anyone but my dad, myself, Brian and in the past Jim - other then the 4 of us she clams right up if someone hugs her - not sure why but that's just how she is. Anyhow last night I was sitting on the love seat, she was on the big couch, and I was falling asleep sitting up. She in a totally cute way said "honey if you want me to play with your hair you can come lay over here." I like almost every girl I know loves when someone plays with my hair. So I went and layed practically right on her lap -- making sure of course not to hurt her belly - and snuggled up while she braided my hair and rubbed my head. I felt like a little kid, and loved every second of it, as I know she did too...next thing I know it's 5AM and I'm curled up on a tiny square of couch and she's sleeping in bed...she I guess tried to wake me up but I wouldn't budge...so I ended up stumbling into bed at 5 and Brian woke me up at 8, so yeah not so much sleep. But it was nice - I love it more then words can explain when my mom and I are getting along, when I feel like I have a mom, when she's sober, when she acts and behaves like the mom I've always known she could be and has been in portions of my life.
I would just really hate for us to finally get this chance, for me to finally get my mom back, to finally have the relationship that I've always wanted to have, to finally feel like not only is she my mom but a dear friend, to finally let go of all the resentments, for her to let go of all the guilt - and for us to FINALLY love each other unconditionally and in the way we always should have....but what happens if we do FINALLY get all those things, grow to that kind of relationship, build the bond we've always longed for - and she dies? I'm so scared that she isn't going to have this one last chance, this one last shot to get it right. She's still so young, she could have a whole other life ahead of her, a life that isn't as hard and complicated and with so much hurt...a life where she loves herself enough to take good care of herself. All I can do is PRAY that we get this last chance - that she gets this last chance...that it really isn't too late.
I'll be back later. And by the way - there is a spell checker on this blogging thing, but I'm sure there are tons of typo's and grammatical errors, I don't reread them before I post, so I appologize if it's sometimes difficult reading.
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