Well hello. Before I get going on my day I have to comment on the Jim situation real quick. I didn't have to worry about missing him more because he was being nice for long - today right back to hating me and being disgusted by my very presents. The only difference between yesterday and today comes down to - yesterday he needed my help, today his truck is on the road and he now needs me for diddly shit. But ok I refuse to have this whole blog turn into my shit situation with my husband and I's seperation...so onto something else.
First off, I was going through some poems that I had saved from rehab...here are a few quick quotes that I really liked from them.
"Don't be afraid that your life will end. Be afraid that it will never truly begin."
"Every 60 seconds you spend hurt is a minute of happiness you can never get back."
"When you were born you were crying and everyone around you was smiling, live your life so when you are dying you are smiling and everyone around you is crying."
"Please protect me, my dear friend. And thanks for loving me true, but please allow me to cover up the things I don't want to show, until I love me too."
This 1 is dedicated to anyone in my family or any friends that I've caused pain to. " You gave me love everyday, you were always there no matter what I was going through. I always knew how much you cared. I've caused you pain and sorrow, but you did not turn and walk away. You encouraged me to change, and live a better way. So I took the chance, because you believed in me. I live my life whole again for all of you to see."
"It seems possible that a new beginning, is about to take place. Like sins to be forgiven, a past without a trace. So I'll start this new day, be thankful for all I see. I'll try my hardest to be kind and understanding and to be the best that I can be."
Obviously made me think of Jim - " I can't sleep or think clearly, the commotion in my head. Remember how we were, all the many things you said? Am I in your thoughts, a thought throughout your day? Do you miss me too, or is there nothing left to say? I lay here all alone, so hurt and confused. Not wanting to believe that I've been being used. There is no way that you could truly not feel love anymore as I do, were you just a stranger, that I never really knew.?"
Ok enough of that. Like I said I was just reading a bunch of random poems and so many I felt applied to certain things that I was feeling, sometimes it's easier then trying to put into my own words how I feel anyways - so I thought this was a decent way to explain.
About my day though. My garage was FILLED with garbage - that animals had torn into and scattered all over. It had been cleaned out while I was in rehab, but the rest of the time I was gone Jim just kept throwing garbage back in there while telling my parents he was taking it to the dump. So yesterday, while Jim was being "nice Jim" (he's so much like Jekyl and Hyde) he offered to help me clean it out. While he was at work I spent over an hour in there bagging up all the garbage - and man it wasn't easy to do or easy to not puke while doing. I got 12 FULL contractor bags all lined up by the garage, ready for Jim to pick up with his truck, like he said he would. He also said he would spend $40 on garbage tickets, because he knew my parents didn't have the $. Well first he said he couldn't put it in his truck today because of some reason or another...but still agreed to reimburse my dad if he paid for the tickets before he got home from work. So I went and bought $40 worth, took 4 trips up to the dump, loading and unloading all the way - I know it's not that big of a deal, but I've never been one for manual labor - ask my Aunt Cindy, haha. Then when Jim came to pick Brian up to take him for a ride in the truck, that is FINALLY legal after a year of trying to get it on the road, I asked Jim for the $ - which is when the attitude started, and he began acting like he shouldn't "have" to pay for something involving my parents home/ or anything that isn't directly for Brian. I reminded him that a lot of that shit was his, and he gave me the money all huffy and puffy. I reminded him that he was the one who offered in the first place yesterday, and that I haven't asked him for a cent unless it was 100% for Brian, which I still have to push for, and then he just closed his truck door and left without saying another word...like he also did when he dropped Brian off - just walked away, didn't speak one word to me. He also beeped in the driveway because for some reason he refuses to step foot in my house - the whole time I was away he was here every night, eating dinner with them, helping around the house, simply hanging out - now he acts like it's contaminated property....I DON"T GET IT! I just feel bad because it hurts my parents, whether they'll admit it or not - my mom especially - she really loved him for a really long time, and they at one time were very close. He dumped me, not them, so I don't know - damn there I go again rambling on and on about something I cannot control, and that isn't worth writing about. I can't control how other people feel - I can't control how other people act - I can't control how or if other people love, so why do I keep trying so hard to?
ANYWAYS back to what this blog in my opinion was supposed to be about when I first began this journey...my addiction, my family, my journey back to myself, my horrible journey during active addiction, etc...
I don't have much time so I can't write much more but....lets see...
I mentioned before that I had to spend 2 weeks in jail. I detoxed there, which I cannot even put into words how scary that was. I spent almost 48 hours hysterical wondering where my son was, if he was ok, if he was being taken care of - until Jim picked him up and I knew he was safe. I was on suicide watch for the first 4 days, due to my hysteria when I was booked...which meant no blankets, pillows, showers, eating utensils. I was locked in my cell for 23 hours a day for the first 6 days until I was classified...then at least I could go into the pod and watch TV and talk to some of the other women that were there. I called home collect nonstop, which was so selfish - I was just so scared, worried about Brian, lonely, I couldn't help but pick up that phone any chance I got. I was lucky because the woman that were in my pod were all non-violent offenders...mostly drug related crimes. They all were very kind to me, and took me under their wings - sort of speak...by giving me sweatshirts (jail is so cold) or random snacks out of their comminsary, since I didn't eat anything but bread and apples the whole time I was there (not even because I'm picky, I would gag and couldn't even force myself to get the food down.) They would sit and talk to me for hours, I would hear where they had come from, what landed them there, as they would me. I was the only white female in the entire jail, crazy huh? One of the girls would write me poems and slip them under my cell while I was still locked in, to give me something to read and think about...then when I was allowed out of my cell we would pray and talk some more. I am not religious, but I am not athiest, more agnostic I think...but I needed to believe in something greater then myself while I was there, it was crucial for my survival, and I really do believe that. Eventually when I was allowed out of the cell I went to any meetings or classes I could go to - just to get out of the concrete, barred, cold, hard, scary cell or pod. I went to some NA, Church, and Bible Studies. It helped, especially the NA meetings...although I sobbed through the entire meeting, it helped....the chair person had me read "just for today" which is a reading in NA and the part she pointed out just for me was "just for today I will be unafraid, my thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are living and enjoying life without the use of drugs, so long as I follow this way I have nothing to fear, just for today." Those words played in my head a million times I assume while I was there. For 14 days I maybe slept 18 hours...the first 5 days I was up straight without even a cat nap....I would pray for 7AM to come so there would at least be lights and a little noise, socialization....night was the scariest time. I don't think I'll ever forget the awful sound of the bars closing in our cells when it was lock in time, it makes me cringe just thinking about it. The judge would not ROR me until I had a bed in a rehab. My Aunt Cindy and my Uncle Jeff showed up to my second court date after I had been there for 4 days...I was so ashamed for them to see me like that - in cuffs and shackles - knowing why I had been arrested...but I was also so grateful to see two people that cared about me regardless of how angry they were. I ended up being released after a bed was found at a place called Arms Acres...which was no coincidence...my other Uncle is a case manager at Conifer Park which is affiliated with Arms Acres and he was able to get me a FULL scholorship for 28 days at the inpatient facility. My Uncle Jeff picked me up from jail and drove me all the way to Carmel NY...it was a terribly awkward drive, until he asked if I was hungry - I almost cried because my stomach hurt from being so empty, so the thought of food was amazing to me. We got fast food and then started talking a little, and he didn't yell, or make me feel more guilt or shame - he just asked me to try, to get better, to make up for it....then he dropped me off, we hugged, and I spent 27 days at the most wonderful rehab I could imagine...(but that's for another blog.) So the little I mentioned - yes Jail was AWFUL - but I'm glad I was there - I deserved to be there, to know what my life would consist of if I didn't get my shit together - concrete and fear and life without Brian....I am grateful for those two weeks, and I'm eternally grateful to my family for being there for me when so many other people would have turned there backs. It sounds crazy but I am grateful for the arrest, without it who know's what would have happened, how much worse it could have been. What happend was terrible enough, thank GOD my bottom wasn't lower.
God it's late, I have to go - Goodnight....of course I'll write again tomorrow - I can't sleep, and now I have the internet at home, so what else is there to do - other then wallow of course, lol
No comments:
Post a Comment