A few positive things today...

First off - we had to reschedule court because Jim couldn't make it due to work...whatever...so i knew if i had gone it would have been pointless because no descision would have been made without Jim - since this is the first time he had to switch anything the Judge wouldn't have just gone on and done anything with out his presence. Anyhow we both called, and Jim explained why he had to miss....and I found out a little while ago that the Judge understood and just adjourned it for next month, so no harm done - which is obviously good. That Judge is for sure one person I wouldn't want to piss off in any way, shape or form. Good news there.

Secondly I received a letter on facebook today from a girl who lived and grew up in a neighboring town. We had met once or twice real briefly many many years ago - but ended up facebook friends somehow. She wrote to tell me that she's been reading my blog frequently, which was enough right there to make me feel pretty good and even a little honored. It shocks me that people who don't know me find it interesting and worthwhile to take the time to read my ranting and ramblings. She went on to tell me that she is a Science teacher in Bolton Landing, and that she noticed in one of my blogs that I was going to speak up at my old school this week to a group of students about my experiences with drugs, and so on. She told me that if I thought it went well this week with that, and if I enjoyed doing it and would be willing to do something like that again, that she would love to have me come speak to her students at Bolton's highschool! I was pretty psyched - and instead of writing about it all over again in the blog, I just copied what I had written her, just took out her name and pasted it here, so ....
Dear ...
I am not sure how to express how truly honored I am to have gotten your message. Just to know that someone I've only met possibly once is taking the time and interest to read my blog is pretty awesome to hear, but to offer me another chance to speak to students after this first time up at Johnsburg makes me even happier. It means so much to me whenever I have a chance to talk to younger kids, peers or even adults and possibly say something that might help them later in their life or even right now in their present. In AA or NA a common phrase is "you can only keep what you have by giving it away," which is so completely true. It helps me so much to stay clean when I share my story and help other people in the same situation or similar situations. I spoke at a H and I meeting (hospitals and institutions) a couple months back, you can only speak at those type of meetings if you have 6+ months clean...but anyways it was an Alanon meeting at a BHU center close to Albany (behavioral health unit.) There were so many young adults there that have been batteling with addiction their entire lives, but not their own addiction, but those of their siblings, families, but mostly their parents. I walked away from that meeting feeling amazing because I was able to give those patients something invaluable which was having a basic understanding of that their mom or dad loves them and isn't making a consious decision to chose something else over them - but that once this ball is rolling it is out of their control and is no longer a choice. My mom is an alcoholic, and if you've read my blog much you know that, and it's always been pretty severe and rough, enough that now at 51 she needs a new liver. I swore I would never become her, in highschool I gave my friends who smoked weed a hard time, vowing to never touch a drug, and only drink very socially only. By the time I was 21 I was her full-blown and possibly even worse....with a baby that I love more then life and a addiction that had taken that life over. I'm getting long winded here I'm sorry - the point is that I can speak on both ends of this disease and I want desperately to help keep anyone from making the same choices I made, and from living the hell I lived for 4 full years without taking a second off - I lived those years in CONSTANT guilt, fear and shame and hurt a lot of people, broke a lot of promises, lost a lot of time I'll never get back with my son, and never thought I'd be able to resurface into the "normal" world again....and knowing how hard it was for anyone who tried to get through to me, I'm realistic in knowing that I can't just walk in, say a few things and save lives. What I can do though is plant a little seed, give some information, tell my shit, and offer resources. I guarentee when I go Wed. up to that 10th grade class there will be more then 1 active addict sitting there, listening for somethnig that they can grab ahold of and use as a life-line, and that's who I'm talking to - and the kids that were just like me, good-two-shoes, prudent and thinking that nothing like that could happen to me - thinknig that my hatred for addicts and addiction could save me - well it's important for those students too to hear how it can all change in a hearbeat and before you know what's happening your life is on it's way to complete destruction. But I will stop rambling. Like I said before though I'm just really blown away that people like you are reading my ranting and raving blog, and in turn thinking that I would be a good person to go and speak to students or other people alike. So THANK YOU for giving me such the honor of wanting me to come speak to your class, and I will be just that, honored to do so. I will be writing Wednesday I'm sure about how it went up at Johnsburg, I'm pretty confident that it will go really well....but if you remember to, you can read all about it on there, and just let me know however is easiest when you'd be able to have me come to Bolton and how much time I'll have, the grade and age range, etc. Again ... thank you so very much.

Krista

So that was good thing #2

Finally the last good thing to occur today was this ; I sat down today and wrote, and wrote and wrote. Well typed to be specific and honest here :O) I wrote so much that it made this blog of mine look like a short story, and we know that isn't the case, lol. I've descided that I really want to try and write a book, about everything, not just the drug stuff, but just about everything I would know to even write about. I got quite a bit done and I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. I'm not going to show it to anyone until it's finished, if I ever actually finish it. I've started like 20 times to write a book, kids books, fiction, autobiography's, etc...and have gotten pretty far in a few, but never finished and eventually lost interest, big shocker, haha. Long story short I'm excited and I'm really optimistic that I'll get this one done, and even if it never went further then my 4 walls it's a big accomplishment and I'm hoping to eventually write those words, THE END :O)

So of course my whole day was not great. There was a financial situation that I won't go into details over, that has to do with my parents....but it sucks and it's caused a good amount of fear in the house and anxiety so that sucks - they don't need anymore stress then they have already.

Then of course Jim got me all worked up again. He's been talking about taking Bri to Long Island to get him to know Jim's family and spend a couple days on a "man trip." But it's been put off 4 or 5 times, after Brian got all excited and ready to go. Today though Jim told me that next week he won't be able to take Brian on his days off like he sometimes does - for 1 day at least, because he's going out of town with this new g/f for a little get-a-way ; because yeah that's way more important then the other option, right? I hate them both; the relationship; the mockery it makes me feel is our past and our marriage; the way it gets me so heartbroken, hurt, upset and angry....that it has any affect on me. I just wish I could change how I felt about this whole situation, because as sick as some of the people closest to me are of hearing about it and seeing me go crazy about Jim and I and her, I'm even more tired of it I promise....and I am just so ready for it to be something I'm capable of letting go of!!!

But that's my day pretty much, in a nuttshell. I gotta run, and play with Brian. We turned his toyroom into a house today. He has a bedroom - which is a big Thomas the Train tent with pillows and blankets. He has a living room - which is his little couch, little portable DVD player, make shift coffee table. He has a little kitchen with some snacks in it - and the bathroom that is real is still his bathroom, and people have to ask before entering...lol. It's pretty cute though, and I just like to do things with him that i know I would have LOVED when I was a kid, so it's nice and awesome to make him happy with such simplicity. Leave me some input and again if you read this, add yourself to my list of readers, because I want to know :O)