The most random things can hit you like a ton of bricks sometimes.

I feel like I've been doing damn well lately while the reality of my marriage being over has sunken in. Well at least I was thinking that it was sinking in, but apparently it hadn't - because today I think it finally did. I've had countless conversations with Jim about getting a divorce, his new girlfriend, schedules for Brian, our past and lack of future, etc. BUT it was today at the Grand Union that it actually hit me. I hopped in line and right in front of me was the girlfriend - I hadn't ever been in such close quarters with her and today made it obvious that although I know who she is, she has zero clue what I look like and doesn't know anything about me but my name and the things Jim has told her. I don't know why 5 minutes in line next to her made it seem more real then anything else has, but for whatever reason it did. She's cute, not at all what I had been told and thought I remembered...and for all intensive purposes she is exactly the opposite from me, exactly - appearance wise and from all I've been told about her personality also. She isn't the devil reincarnated into some 28 year old woman, which I wanted to believe, she isn't an unattractive troll like I was hoping, and she isn't some awful destructive home wrecker like I thought. I guess it was just easier to picture her as all these things then to think that my husband had fallen in love with a real person, a decent person, which he has. She didn't ruin our marriage, we did. She didn't steal him from me, he went and I gave. She isn't out to destroy me or make me hurt anymore then I have. She's just a girl who has fallen for a guy that happened to be legally married still...and is in the "happy new-love" phase, where everything is perfect and right. I want to be the bigger person who says that I'm happy for him, happy that he's happy, happy that he's moved on for good - but I'm just not there yet. I am although at a point where there will be no more obsessing over him or her, and running my mouth (or fingers) no more making them out to be the bad guys, while I'm the victim heartbroken wife who was left behind. I fucked up "us" just as much as he did, and I knew it was over way before he met her - much much much before then. I don't know if it's a point of acceptance, or what, but even though it's a little sad to be at this point, it's where I am standing right now. I've even been a little hopeful for the future, possibly being in a good relationship one day, having a nice future - a happy ending....and finally ready to walk away from the past. It's just hard to cut that last little string that attaches someone to another person when they have already cut and let go of so many other strings already....but here I am and this is the reality. So when he brings Brian home in a little while, I'll smile and face him as my ex husband and not as the guy who recently walked out on me - because the truth is that even though he is the one that physically walked away from our relationship, there truly wasn't much to walk away from. I think I might actually on some level respect that he had the balls to see us for what we had become and choose to not stick around for anymore time unhappy. I don't know if I ever would have; the unknown has always been a fearful place for me to reside, and I knew him and knew what I would be with him and how our life would be ---which wasn't good, but the fear of walking away kept us together for much too long, and I have to respect that he finally stood up and chose a possible happy future then a gaurenteed unhappy or mediocre (at best) future with me. So this is me cutting that last string....wish me luck.