I so need to snap outta this!

Hey everyone - It's been awhile since I've written a full, real blog - I've become lazy and non committed just like I said I would back when I started this - old ways die hard. So I'm going to make an honest effort at getting back into it, as much as lately I've not wanted to and stick to what I set out to do. So if you see me slacking, get on my ass with comments :O)

I'll break this one into sections, so all the shit that I'll be writing doesn't just run together in a bitch, whiny, victim mentality and poor me mess. So ...

Section 1 - Momma dukes. Things haven't changed since I wrote last and shared her diagnosis/prognosis. I don't want to write too much about her because other then the most basic things it really isn't my place. I'll write about how I feel about it till I'm blue in the face, but she's a private person and I have tried to leave her thoughts and feelings out of this blog as much as possible...but I was reminded today how important doing that is, so I'm going to be even more careful to not invade her privacy just because I choose to share everything with the world. Things are hard though here at home...a lot of fear and sadness with each of us. Although this shouldn't have come as a huge surprise and or shock, but I've learned throughout my life and through the hardest of situations, that no matter how much you may be prepared or knowledgeable - denial is usually stronger then any of those things and often takes precedence in your mind to keep you in a safe state of ignorant bliss. My mom's always been real good at living in such a state of denial, for her own protection. In the past it was always mostly surrounded around my dad's illness. Even though it was always in our faces and a constant struggle in our lives, it always came as a huge surprise to me that when something scary or life threatening happened with my dad that my mom always seemed stunned. I guess sometimes it's better to live like that though. If she hadn't, then she would have been terrified and heartbroken every second of her marriage and just waiting for my dad's death - unable to experience anything good. God the doctors told us he was gonna die when I was 12 for Gods sake, and then other times since then - so if she had always allowed herself to prepare she would have spent the last 26 years waiting to arrange his funeral. So like I said denial is a huge self protection mechanism to her, so it's been hitting her really hard that she's been forced to deal with the reality of this particular situation. We're all trying to be positive, but in my family of doom and pessimism that can also be a challenge. I'm trying my damnedest to get us all to just focus on one thing at a time and not get too ahead of ourselves, because there is going to be A LOT that will need to be done, that we'll have to go through, that will be scary and difficult beyond words...so it would be way too overwhelming for any of us to try to figure it all out at once - so if nothing else I am really trying to help mom focus on only what needs to be done next - the present. I really wish I could practice what I preach, because I am such a hypocrite even trying to get someone else to live in the present while I spend my entire life chilling in the past or worried about the future. I will obviously keep up with filling in what happens when it happens from here on out with my mom, and how we're doing....but for now there isn't much else to say since nothing has changed in the last few days except for the different ways everyone who loves her and she is dealing with the situation and allowing it to sink in. That's just all such a different and personal experience for anyone, never the same between two people...so again I can only try to explain how I am coping, if I'll even be able to explain that I have no idea, but I'll try.

Section 2 - How terribly I'm dealing, or not dealing for that matter with the loss of my husband and the only relationship I've had consistently for the last 7 years (even though it was up and down, shitty then good, in it's own way it was consistent, and something I always could hold onto and count on being there, hard to explain.) So like I have mentioned too many times, he's seeing someone. Someone that I wasn't allowed to know her identity until last night, someone that he says he really cares about, someone I feel so much hatred towards it truly is disgusting. Although we had agreed for Brian to not meet any significant other's we may have now or in the future when we first separated, he met her last night. I still wouldn't have known who she was, because Brian never would have even remembered her name - but he knew the house because we had been in it many times, so it was easy to piece together after that. She isn't a friend, but I have met her in the past and know of her. Everything about the situation has hurt like hell, but to add fuel to the fire I found out that a friend of mine that I've had since birth practically - and a friend that I feel I've been trying really hard to support lately - had known about this relationship since it began, even seeing it first hand, and giving the girl information and or advice because she has known Jim for so long, and filled her in on me as well. That was a kick in the gut I wasn't expecting. I felt like such an idiot, because right after Brian told me where the house was, this friend I called ASAP because I knew she'd know for sure who occupied the house....then found out that she had known about it, and kept her mouth shut even while I cried and cried on the phone with her many times about how horrible it was hurting that he was with someone, and how much it was bothering me that I didn't know how. When she knew that I knew and was less then thrilled that she had been lying to me - her biggest reason behind it was that she didn't want to upset me if it turned out to be nothing. Just more betrayal and hurt feelings from my point of view. It sure didn't score any open mindedness about the girlfriend either, finding out that she asked specifically all about him and for information about me ; being told that we had only been broken up for a little less then a month at that point, that I was so not over it, that we had been together for as long as we had, that we had a child...pretty much our whole story was dished out to her by her friend (my "friend.") So the fact that she still pursued him knowing all of these things doesn't make me think very highly of her. She also has a son, a little older then Brian...and I guess she recently broke up with a boyfriend of two years, yeah so to top it off when I talked to my friend she actually tried to make me feel bad for this girl, and tried to stick up for her to me, ahh. Anyhow God do I wish I could snap out of this, not hurt as much as I do...give Jim what he so desperately wants which is me to be a silent person in his life, to not break down every time we see each other, or to ever contact him unless it's an emergency. Believe me he doesn't care that I'm hurt, which is beyond my way of thinking to comprehend, it just makes things messier for him and he's plain sick of it. In his perfect world I don't think he'd chose to ever have to lay eyes on me or hear my voice for the rest of his life. It's so hard to understand how someone can just stop caring about someone else that they suppoably have loved for as long as we've been together - it breaks my heart but is really making me question if it was ever real between us, if he ever truly loved me the way I thought he did, the way he expressed he did. So it's serious enough to him that he really wanted her and Brian to meet, and he cancelled seeing Brian today because he went to her family's home 1 1/2 hours away and ended up having "truck problems." Which probably just meant that he was having to nice of a time to cut it short, yay for him. So yeah I know I need to stop dwelling on this, in my head I know how I should be acting, and feeling - unfortunately my head isn't corresponding that information to my heart and I've completely out of control of my emotions when it comes to this subject, which I hate more then anything imaginable...I hate not being in control, being and feeling this weak. I hate him seeing and knowing how hurt I am, and in turn seeing how much it truly doesn't affect him or bother him. Although I can't control the constant streams of tears that are pouring out without ability to stop - or my thoughts - or the pain I feel - I can control how much I make other's hear about it, most of all him. So from here on out this subject will be limited, and I will try to get off the pity pot once and for all and even if I can't find it in me to accept and deal with this, I can find it in me to not make other people hear about it - so enough is enough and that's it for that section.

Section 3 - My attempts at moving on. I've been on two dates, and was supposed to have a third with someone different tonight - but car problems were running rapid tonight and he had to reshedule. It sucked because I really was looking forward to it, and spent most of the day nervous and anxious, just to get a last minute message from him that he couldn't make it to NY tonight....which I got right after a conversation with Jim on the phone that again had me in pieces - so that sucked...I was really just hoping to get out and forget about real life and try to just have fun, but hopefully we will be able to reshcedule and that can happen at a later date. But my other two dates, with a guy named Morgan. I can break his anonymity because I know he reads this, and I have a strong feeling that he'd enjoy more then not that I was including him in my blog and wouldn't mind me naming his name. If I'm wrong, oops, and just tell me :O) I met Morgan almost exactly a year ago, for a short time. We didn't keep in touch at all in this last year, and a few weeks ago we connected on facebook and went out for the first time a week or so ago, to the movies and out for coffee. It was nice. Not uncomfortable at all, distracting, and I definitely enjoyed myself - enough to see him again the next night at least....and I think we're going to make plans for tomorrow or the next day too. It's nice too because he knows my situation 100%, or at least close to it. By what he had learned about me last year, reading this blog pretty thoroughly, and just what we've talked about in person - it makes it more comfortable and much less pressuring that I know he understands what my current situation is, how emotionally bankrupt I feel right now, how much I want to keep things simple and casual and just enjoy each others company, etc...so it allowed me to feel comfortable with him within the first 5 minutes of our first date, and since - so that is refreshing to say the least. I've said to him as well, that as much as I'm scared of getting hurt I'm also scared of hurting an innocent bystander as well. So I'm 100% upfront with him, to do my best to avoid anything like that happening....because as of now I don't think a guy other then Jim has the capability to hurt me for the next little while at least...so I just need to remind myself that although I'm pretty emotionally closed off right now other people may not be. But with things all out in the open I don't think that will happen and it has been nice to spend time with him and at least try and feel that there will be a life beyond right now in the future....so that's that and I'll keep you all posted on any other dating experiences I may have :O) Remember though this is the first time I've been on a date since I was 18, so it is scary and a pretty big deal, hopefully it's like riding a bike and I don't turn out to be a complete disaster dater...lol

But for now I have to go, my show is on and I wanna go watch. One more thing though that I'm not sure I've mentioned yet. This coming week I've been invited to speak up at my old school to a class of 10th graders about my experiences with drugs. I'm honored and excited and really can't wait - and I've been told that if it goes as well as expected I'll be invited back to talk to other classes and grades, so that is definitely something positive on the horizon, that will make me feel much better and give me hope that I can turn my shit into something that might just possibly help someone else. For now goodnight, and I guess I jumped back into my blog after a mini vacation, I just spent almost an entire hour typing - oops :O)