Sitting here I have no clue what I'm going to write about - which is usually the case when I "blog" but this time I feel weird. Someone whom I care about a lot, and her opinion, said something in an e-mail about my blog, and how depressing it is and how negative I can be - which I can't disagree with. I'm torn though, because the whole point of this blogging project has been honesty from the start....YET I can be honest without choosing to write about the shitty stuff, right? BUT then I feel like I'm censoring the reality of what my life is at this moment and how I truly feel...BUT I can 100% be honest and open without dwelling so much on the bad, right? So I don't know. I agree that I can be miss "Debbie Downer," I've even apologized a couple times in this blog for that, and acknowledged how I assumed it can come across as a bitch fest and nothing else. I guess that I feel the urge to blog more when I'm upset, which is why it seems like I'm always upset...it's kind of like the praying thing I find myself doing - pray when things are bad and forget about it when they are good. So instead of working more on editing my feelings and life and not writing so much about the shitty shit I'm going to just try much harder to sit my butt down and write when there is good stuff to report. So at this moment I have both, so it's a good time to start I suppose.
Get the bad outta the way. I'm upset because Brian is upset. Jim was supposed to pick him up tonight and was a no show, no call. I just hate stuff like that, don't know what to tell Brian, don't want to get FURIOUS and say or do something to stir the pot, and just hate so much seeing Brian disapointed. So since 4:30 this afternoon I've been pretty upset about that situation, but this is me getting better at this negative thing - although I'm upset I refuse to spend an hour writing about it or crying over it or trying to track him down, and try my damndest to let it go and deal with it when we speak next...phew, look at this massive personal growth :-)
1 more negative thing, quick! I seem to hate weekends. Since I'm not working yet (which is coming to an end very soon, which is a positive spin) I don't look forward to the weekends for any particular reasons. They seem to be way more boring, non productive and crappy...lately mid-week time as rocked, so I'm currently waiting for the weekend to end - that's it - no huge disaster just a dislike in the time of week.
Ok good things, which I do have more of then bad to report on this nice evening.
Last week was pretty great. Tuesday was an awesome day at outpatient, sounds lame but it really isn't. My counselor asked me to lead a group because "I'm seasoned" lol. I just had a pretty great time, and am trying to enjoy it as much as possible because I know it's coming to an end soon and I will genuinely miss it.
Then Wednesday night I picked up my friend Justin for a meeting. Some craziness occured when we got there, but before hand we went for coffee and just hung out which was nice. I've known him for a little while but haven't really gotten to know him well, so it was nice. Yes when we got to the meeting there was a little episode with some girl who was mad that him and I went there together - but we weren't on any kind of date to begin with, and they aren't dating - so it was pretty stupid and petty and definently didn't ruin my time. The meeting was awesome. I saw some people that I hadn't seen since last March - when I tried pretty hard for a little while to kick that shit by myself for a short time. They were just so happy to see that I was ok, it is so refreshing. People I only met half a dozen times who not only remembered me, but really cared and were thrilled to see me back there. I tend to question peoples motives a lot of the time, and think the worst of people some of the time - but not in this case, true empathy and care and support and many offers of help in any way I would need it....people that are technically not more then strangers who will drive 2 hours round trip to come get me if I need them too...just some awesome people that made me feel pretty damn great that night.
Then Thursday I had a second date, or meeting with a person from the opposite sex, lol. It was pretty great. I have found a section of my life although that I will use discretion with when speaking about it in my blog, haha - it's just weird so I won't do it much other then the most basic of details. But I did have a good time, and I do enjoy their company and hope to see more of them; nice, vague and general eh? It's hard though. I really want to guard myself so completely and not leave myself open for anyone to be able to hurt me, not even a little. BUT that's no way to live and meet people and try to start a new life at all. I've just never been a "dater" ever. I was ALWAYS a serial relationship-er and can pretty much acount for any time of my life that has been spent single. I just am not sure if I know how to remain casual and not invest any feelings. Obviously I'm no where near that point now after 2 dates - but whether it's him or someone else down the road I will have to make choices that can leave me open to being hurt, or allow me to once again be in a relationship...and an actual healthy, happy relationship possibly. So we'll see what happens. At this point though I'm trying not to lead towards one side, I'm trying not to guard too much and not to like too much - the middle is nice and safe grounds for me to be on for now, much more simple I must admit. The point is though that I am getting out, meeting new people, and actually enjoying myself in the process. Any guy from here on out will also be the opposite of Jim 100%, which this guy is, so that's a good start ;-) Ok enough about that topic for sure...urg what if he stumbled across my blog and read it one day, yuck, I might need to censor even more next time, haha.
Ah shit one more negative - poor Brian got really sick last week, stomach bug. Let me tell you, I can handle blood, high fevers, whatever...all but puking. I am so scared of everything that has to do with throwing up, it's pathetic. So yeah I stood up and was a little super mom that night (from 11 to 6 we spent every fifteen minutes with his head in a plastic bowl :-( ... didn't cringe, didn't gag, nothing. BUT ever since I have been petrified of catching it - and at this point I must be safe, knock on wood. It's just terrible though, I felt so bad for him - it's scary for a kid to be sick like that...I mean it's scary for me, so obviously a 4 year old. He's all better now of course but is still using the sick card whenever it is convenient for him to do so.
OK this wasn't any kind of philosophic blog about the meaning of life or anything, just a typical "catch you up on my week" kind of thing :O) Take care of yourselves and you'll hear from me soon I'm sure. MUCH LOVE!
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