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I really am so sick of listening to myself bitch and whine and cry and freak out. I can't handle feeling so damn weak...but as I sit here suffocating in my own fear and reality - Jim is off playing house with our son and his new girlfriend...great timing to tell me that tonight of all night's is when he chooses to take his relationship to such a big next step, such as meeting the most important person in our lives...Brian. He won't even tell me her name, age, where she lives, anything...supposedly it's only been going on a short time....at least I've only been in on it for a couple weeks, but in his words it's serious enough that he wants Brian and her to get to know each other - and on the day after my world once again caves in around me he decides to pretend to look for my approval by asking if this meeting is alright, knowing damn well if I had said no it would have happened anyhow. I really am having a difficult time believing that any of what I thought was real in the last 7+ years between us was at all a reality...how can anyone who ever really loved someone care so little when there is so much going on...I've given up on thinking he'll be of any support or show any compassion, but does he have to add to it? I know it sounds dramatic, and I know you must all just think "well drama is Krista's middle name" but I just wish I knew how after so much and so long anyone can just turn away from another like this. He was my family, I just don't get how he can't care. I know I've said it before...but things just keep getting scarier and worse around me, and nicer and more fun around him...and he just hasn't even batted an eyelash to pretend to have a ounce of empathy or just decency in my direction...I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again, because he really had me convinced that no matter what he would always love me and care about me and be there for me...that we would go through this together...ahh I know I can't control how he feels, and I know I should just let it go that I don't understand it, and accept that this is just how things are - but I just so badly want to believe that any part of us was real and that it wasn't all just a big lie - and i can't believe that with him treating me like he is...because love doesn't just disappear and turn into hatred.