I've been thinking a lot lately about how seemingly insignificant, meaningless, simple, or average moments of our lives end up altering our universe. Although I do have a hard time with believing in a "higher power" I have a harder time believing that it's all just a random series of coincidences that make up our lives. My life is filled with so many reasons and examples of why I should have FAITH, but something keeps getting me hung up, and I feel as if I could conquer that I could really change - which is the whole point, isn't it? The last 9+ months of my life has been about "change," - a saying in recovery is "It's actually pretty simple, you only need to change 1 thing...everything." It's so true - everything - how scary a concept... but if possible it would be so amazing. Such a release, a blank slate, a new life, a feeling of serenity and strength. That's the point, that's the goal, and in my opinion that also just comes down to a series of moments.
These moments don't even have to be our own to effect us deeply. I guess it almost goes down to the "butterfly effect" theory...1 thing alters, everything shifts, everything changes. Most of the time we don't even recognize these moments until chunks of time pass and we look back on the situations. We don't know at the time that a choice we're making, a road we're turning on, a friend we make, a plane we get on, or a job we get has the capacity to change it all, how could we until it's all happened? Seconds can change whether people live or die. Inches can cause a car accident. A tiny germ can cause a sickness. A pill can cause an addiction. Then after the fact, we sit and wonder - what if. What if they had turned down the other road? What if he hadn't inhaled that toxin? What if I had never taken that first pill? The "what if's" can be just as awful and destructive as the "poor me's."
When my best friend was dying, my first love - someone I had fallen back in love with during the process of his death...he made a comment to me that changed how I thought about everything. He believed that if he hadn't moved to Long Island, he wouldn't have become sick. A mixture of high stress, loneliness, overwork, and location in his mind caused the cancer that was killing him. He told me that he wouldn't have gone to Long Island if we had stayed together and if we had been working on building a relationship/life together....and in turn in his case of "what ifs" he may not have gotten sick. Maybe Long Island didn't cause the problem, but maybe if he had been here a different doctor would have caught it quicker, a small town doctor who could take the time to see all the pieces, perhaps? The second he made that comment to me I cringed, physically my demeanor changed so much that he even noticed. If we had stayed together, in this alternate make believe theory, and he hadn't gotten sick - he'd be ok - we wouldn't be here - it would all be alright...all things I was thinking all at once. How amazing would that have been? But then just as quick as those thoughts broke into my head, so did the idea of not having Brian. If we had stayed together, my son wouldn't have existed. So I couldn't even fathom that alternate universe, even if it consisted of my best friend not slipping away. I would have traded anything for him to live, for him to have not been in pain - anything of course but Brian.
Another friend died in a car accident. From everything I know of the events of that night a million and 1 things could have changed the outcome. They had stopped at a friends house on the way home, if they had just stayed 1 more minute....possibility 15 more seconds. If the drunk driver that caused the accident hadn't gone to that bar, or left at that time, or had that last drink, etc....so many things could have left Steve alive at the end of that night.
Where does that possibly get us though? Thinking of those painful "what if's"? No-where, but in a place of darkness and anger.
There are those moments though that don't bring death and sadness, fear, shame or mistakes. There are just as many of those simple moments that cause all that is good in our lives. As hurt and angry as I am at Jim right now - regardless - if a car hadn't broken down in the Catskills on his way up for a visit from Long Island, he wouldn't have gotten stuck up here longer, we wouldn't have re-connected and truly chose to try "this" again - if that car hadn't broken down, he would have just been here two nights and returned to LI - possibly some phone calls between us, but I'm sure nothing more. If that radiator hadn't gone, that simple fact, that simple event, inadvertently caused the birth of my son. I know it's far fetched to think of things like that, but it's true - a domino effect - or a butterfly effect...
How would our lives change if we did notice these moments for what they truly are and can become? Everything would be different. We would know exactly where to go, who to meet, who to trust, how to live, who to love, what not to do, so on and so forth. It would be amazing, right? But then we go back to the old idea and truth that without sadness we wouldn't know happiness, without loss we wouldn't know gain, without sickness we wouldn't know health, again so on and so forth. So as much as I can sit and ponder, wish I could change the past, wish I could see the future, wish I could make it all better; I can't, you can't, we can't.
I know for me, right now, at this point in time - I NEED to have faith. I NEED to believe that there is a reason for it all. I NEED to stop thinking about the things that are out of my hands. I NEED to believe that my moments have happened for a reason, and that they will add up to a great life, greatness that I could only know because of the unhappiness I've already felt.
What are your moments? Can you recognize them? Because from now on I'm not even going to try anymore, to look so hard and analyze so much...it's a new goal for me - to accept that there is a direct reason, a purpose, to believe in something so much greater then myself, and to hold on to any little amount of faith I have and attempt to have it grow until I don't have to try anymore, until it's just there -
I'm not sure if that made much sense...if it was just random thoughts spewed around...but that's where I am at this MOMENT - and thought I'd share :O)
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