I only have 15 minutes, but I've sucked at blogging lately so I'm forcing myself back in the computer chair, lol.
Today is or was or is (legally) Jim and I's 5th Wedding Anniversary. It sucks, it makes me sad, but I'm ok for the most part. I'm more so grieving the marriage that I know we COULD have had if things had been different, and the man I know Jim could have been as a husband to me if things had been different. I'm missing the man that I love and have for years and years, but also the man who I know has moved on, a man that wants the finale to our story summed up, and a man that has given up on us 100% - and I don't say that bitterly, I do understand why that's the case. I'm grieving what I wanted us to have, what we could have had, but not what we did have - if that makes any sense. I'm ready to move on...scared...uneasy...fear of the unknown and change....hesitant....yes all those things, but ready. This time 5 years ago Jim and I were holding each other on the couch at my Aunts house watching American Idol, house sitting, eating doggie bags from our wedding dinner, and still in the clothes we got married in. I was 5 months pregnant, looking all big and fat...we were placing bets on whether or not Carry Underwood would win - Jim won that bet :O) We were excited to start our lives together, for our son to be born, we felt like we had the whole world at our feet...it's a good memory. One day I'll be able to look back at memory's like that and not cry but smile and count myself lucky to have had such great moments in my life. Right now it still makes me tear right up, but it will get easier...and it helps because I know that this is the right thing for both of us, but most importantly it is the right thing for Brian. I will always hold millions of those types of moments in my heart, and I will forever love the man who taught me how to love, and fathered my son...it will just change over time and the pain will lessen sooner then later I'm sure. It's ok to grieve this...it's not ok although to wallow in it, so that part is over for good. None the less if he were here right now I'd hug him, kiss his forehead and tell him Happy Anniversary and that I want him to be happy, and that I'll always love him, then say goodbye. But he's not here, so I just played that out in my head and for my blog readers...lucky you.
ANYWAYS - I have another anniversary to tell you about. TODAY IS 9 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST USE! 9 MONTHS CLEAN. 9 MONTHS SINCE THAT DAY OF TERROR. 9 MONTHS WITHOUT BEING SCARED OR SICK EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE. 9 MONTHS OF BEING ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY WITHOUT THE FOG OF DRUGS...9 MONTHS BACK! It's a big milestone for me, and I'm proud to have accomplished it. I just pray that I make it to a year, then another and another, and so on. Right now though I am just grateful for this 9 months, and i have so many people that have helped me get this far that it would be impossible to list - but you know who you are and I thank you with all my heart.
Also today Julie D. called this morning. She offered me a pretty awesome gig. She asked if I would go up to my old high school, to my old health class, with my old teacher and speak to a class of 10th graders about my experience. I am so honored to have this chance...to hopefully be able to help someone give me more joy then I can express. I have hoped for many months a opportunity like this would come up, and I am so grateful that it has. I would love to do this on a regular basis, all over the state...hey possibly become a little spokesperson - someone who can end stereotypes and put a face to the label of addict, or junkie. I just can't wait to do this, and really hope that it leads to more and more chances of the same nature. So Miss Julie Lee I love you for offering my this, and setting it up. It means everything to me that you feel like I would be a good person to talk to these students. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I don't want to get ahead of myself, so we'll start with this one on the 17th, but I will be praying that it goes well, that I scare those kids straight, say something they will remember, and offer resources and help if they need it...and if I feel like I've helped in anyway, I will be praying for the chance to do it again...and again....and again. So again thank you for getting my foot in this door, because I never would have known how to go about it, but have always thought about doing something like this, so yeah i'm psyched!
Brian is really sick, high fever...so i'm gonna go to bed just in case he wakes up...lol i know it's too much, but i hate when he's sick.
love to you all
get in touch, i need help trying to get this whole life thing going again, the whole moving on and having fun thing that is :O) so come out and play ;O)
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