The most random things can hit you like a ton of bricks sometimes.

I feel like I've been doing damn well lately while the reality of my marriage being over has sunken in. Well at least I was thinking that it was sinking in, but apparently it hadn't - because today I think it finally did. I've had countless conversations with Jim about getting a divorce, his new girlfriend, schedules for Brian, our past and lack of future, etc. BUT it was today at the Grand Union that it actually hit me. I hopped in line and right in front of me was the girlfriend - I hadn't ever been in such close quarters with her and today made it obvious that although I know who she is, she has zero clue what I look like and doesn't know anything about me but my name and the things Jim has told her. I don't know why 5 minutes in line next to her made it seem more real then anything else has, but for whatever reason it did. She's cute, not at all what I had been told and thought I remembered...and for all intensive purposes she is exactly the opposite from me, exactly - appearance wise and from all I've been told about her personality also. She isn't the devil reincarnated into some 28 year old woman, which I wanted to believe, she isn't an unattractive troll like I was hoping, and she isn't some awful destructive home wrecker like I thought. I guess it was just easier to picture her as all these things then to think that my husband had fallen in love with a real person, a decent person, which he has. She didn't ruin our marriage, we did. She didn't steal him from me, he went and I gave. She isn't out to destroy me or make me hurt anymore then I have. She's just a girl who has fallen for a guy that happened to be legally married still...and is in the "happy new-love" phase, where everything is perfect and right. I want to be the bigger person who says that I'm happy for him, happy that he's happy, happy that he's moved on for good - but I'm just not there yet. I am although at a point where there will be no more obsessing over him or her, and running my mouth (or fingers) no more making them out to be the bad guys, while I'm the victim heartbroken wife who was left behind. I fucked up "us" just as much as he did, and I knew it was over way before he met her - much much much before then. I don't know if it's a point of acceptance, or what, but even though it's a little sad to be at this point, it's where I am standing right now. I've even been a little hopeful for the future, possibly being in a good relationship one day, having a nice future - a happy ending....and finally ready to walk away from the past. It's just hard to cut that last little string that attaches someone to another person when they have already cut and let go of so many other strings already....but here I am and this is the reality. So when he brings Brian home in a little while, I'll smile and face him as my ex husband and not as the guy who recently walked out on me - because the truth is that even though he is the one that physically walked away from our relationship, there truly wasn't much to walk away from. I think I might actually on some level respect that he had the balls to see us for what we had become and choose to not stick around for anymore time unhappy. I don't know if I ever would have; the unknown has always been a fearful place for me to reside, and I knew him and knew what I would be with him and how our life would be ---which wasn't good, but the fear of walking away kept us together for much too long, and I have to respect that he finally stood up and chose a possible happy future then a gaurenteed unhappy or mediocre (at best) future with me. So this is me cutting that last string....wish me luck.

To censor or not to censor....

Sitting here I have no clue what I'm going to write about - which is usually the case when I "blog" but this time I feel weird. Someone whom I care about a lot, and her opinion, said something in an e-mail about my blog, and how depressing it is and how negative I can be - which I can't disagree with. I'm torn though, because the whole point of this blogging project has been honesty from the start....YET I can be honest without choosing to write about the shitty stuff, right? BUT then I feel like I'm censoring the reality of what my life is at this moment and how I truly feel...BUT I can 100% be honest and open without dwelling so much on the bad, right? So I don't know. I agree that I can be miss "Debbie Downer," I've even apologized a couple times in this blog for that, and acknowledged how I assumed it can come across as a bitch fest and nothing else. I guess that I feel the urge to blog more when I'm upset, which is why it seems like I'm always upset...it's kind of like the praying thing I find myself doing - pray when things are bad and forget about it when they are good. So instead of working more on editing my feelings and life and not writing so much about the shitty shit I'm going to just try much harder to sit my butt down and write when there is good stuff to report. So at this moment I have both, so it's a good time to start I suppose.

Get the bad outta the way. I'm upset because Brian is upset. Jim was supposed to pick him up tonight and was a no show, no call. I just hate stuff like that, don't know what to tell Brian, don't want to get FURIOUS and say or do something to stir the pot, and just hate so much seeing Brian disapointed. So since 4:30 this afternoon I've been pretty upset about that situation, but this is me getting better at this negative thing - although I'm upset I refuse to spend an hour writing about it or crying over it or trying to track him down, and try my damndest to let it go and deal with it when we speak next...phew, look at this massive personal growth :-)

1 more negative thing, quick! I seem to hate weekends. Since I'm not working yet (which is coming to an end very soon, which is a positive spin) I don't look forward to the weekends for any particular reasons. They seem to be way more boring, non productive and crappy...lately mid-week time as rocked, so I'm currently waiting for the weekend to end - that's it - no huge disaster just a dislike in the time of week.

Ok good things, which I do have more of then bad to report on this nice evening.

Last week was pretty great. Tuesday was an awesome day at outpatient, sounds lame but it really isn't. My counselor asked me to lead a group because "I'm seasoned" lol. I just had a pretty great time, and am trying to enjoy it as much as possible because I know it's coming to an end soon and I will genuinely miss it.

Then Wednesday night I picked up my friend Justin for a meeting. Some craziness occured when we got there, but before hand we went for coffee and just hung out which was nice. I've known him for a little while but haven't really gotten to know him well, so it was nice. Yes when we got to the meeting there was a little episode with some girl who was mad that him and I went there together - but we weren't on any kind of date to begin with, and they aren't dating - so it was pretty stupid and petty and definently didn't ruin my time. The meeting was awesome. I saw some people that I hadn't seen since last March - when I tried pretty hard for a little while to kick that shit by myself for a short time. They were just so happy to see that I was ok, it is so refreshing. People I only met half a dozen times who not only remembered me, but really cared and were thrilled to see me back there. I tend to question peoples motives a lot of the time, and think the worst of people some of the time - but not in this case, true empathy and care and support and many offers of help in any way I would need it....people that are technically not more then strangers who will drive 2 hours round trip to come get me if I need them too...just some awesome people that made me feel pretty damn great that night.

Then Thursday I had a second date, or meeting with a person from the opposite sex, lol. It was pretty great. I have found a section of my life although that I will use discretion with when speaking about it in my blog, haha - it's just weird so I won't do it much other then the most basic of details. But I did have a good time, and I do enjoy their company and hope to see more of them; nice, vague and general eh? It's hard though. I really want to guard myself so completely and not leave myself open for anyone to be able to hurt me, not even a little. BUT that's no way to live and meet people and try to start a new life at all. I've just never been a "dater" ever. I was ALWAYS a serial relationship-er and can pretty much acount for any time of my life that has been spent single. I just am not sure if I know how to remain casual and not invest any feelings. Obviously I'm no where near that point now after 2 dates - but whether it's him or someone else down the road I will have to make choices that can leave me open to being hurt, or allow me to once again be in a relationship...and an actual healthy, happy relationship possibly. So we'll see what happens. At this point though I'm trying not to lead towards one side, I'm trying not to guard too much and not to like too much - the middle is nice and safe grounds for me to be on for now, much more simple I must admit. The point is though that I am getting out, meeting new people, and actually enjoying myself in the process. Any guy from here on out will also be the opposite of Jim 100%, which this guy is, so that's a good start ;-) Ok enough about that topic for sure...urg what if he stumbled across my blog and read it one day, yuck, I might need to censor even more next time, haha.

Ah shit one more negative - poor Brian got really sick last week, stomach bug. Let me tell you, I can handle blood, high fevers, whatever...all but puking. I am so scared of everything that has to do with throwing up, it's pathetic. So yeah I stood up and was a little super mom that night (from 11 to 6 we spent every fifteen minutes with his head in a plastic bowl :-( ... didn't cringe, didn't gag, nothing. BUT ever since I have been petrified of catching it - and at this point I must be safe, knock on wood. It's just terrible though, I felt so bad for him - it's scary for a kid to be sick like that...I mean it's scary for me, so obviously a 4 year old. He's all better now of course but is still using the sick card whenever it is convenient for him to do so.

OK this wasn't any kind of philosophic blog about the meaning of life or anything, just a typical "catch you up on my week" kind of thing :O) Take care of yourselves and you'll hear from me soon I'm sure. MUCH LOVE!

A series of moments...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how seemingly insignificant, meaningless, simple, or average moments of our lives end up altering our universe. Although I do have a hard time with believing in a "higher power" I have a harder time believing that it's all just a random series of coincidences that make up our lives. My life is filled with so many reasons and examples of why I should have FAITH, but something keeps getting me hung up, and I feel as if I could conquer that I could really change - which is the whole point, isn't it? The last 9+ months of my life has been about "change," - a saying in recovery is "It's actually pretty simple, you only need to change 1 thing...everything." It's so true - everything - how scary a concept... but if possible it would be so amazing. Such a release, a blank slate, a new life, a feeling of serenity and strength. That's the point, that's the goal, and in my opinion that also just comes down to a series of moments.

These moments don't even have to be our own to effect us deeply. I guess it almost goes down to the "butterfly effect" theory...1 thing alters, everything shifts, everything changes. Most of the time we don't even recognize these moments until chunks of time pass and we look back on the situations. We don't know at the time that a choice we're making, a road we're turning on, a friend we make, a plane we get on, or a job we get has the capacity to change it all, how could we until it's all happened? Seconds can change whether people live or die. Inches can cause a car accident. A tiny germ can cause a sickness. A pill can cause an addiction. Then after the fact, we sit and wonder - what if. What if they had turned down the other road? What if he hadn't inhaled that toxin? What if I had never taken that first pill? The "what if's" can be just as awful and destructive as the "poor me's."

When my best friend was dying, my first love - someone I had fallen back in love with during the process of his death...he made a comment to me that changed how I thought about everything. He believed that if he hadn't moved to Long Island, he wouldn't have become sick. A mixture of high stress, loneliness, overwork, and location in his mind caused the cancer that was killing him. He told me that he wouldn't have gone to Long Island if we had stayed together and if we had been working on building a relationship/life together....and in turn in his case of "what ifs" he may not have gotten sick. Maybe Long Island didn't cause the problem, but maybe if he had been here a different doctor would have caught it quicker, a small town doctor who could take the time to see all the pieces, perhaps? The second he made that comment to me I cringed, physically my demeanor changed so much that he even noticed. If we had stayed together, in this alternate make believe theory, and he hadn't gotten sick - he'd be ok - we wouldn't be here - it would all be alright...all things I was thinking all at once. How amazing would that have been? But then just as quick as those thoughts broke into my head, so did the idea of not having Brian. If we had stayed together, my son wouldn't have existed. So I couldn't even fathom that alternate universe, even if it consisted of my best friend not slipping away. I would have traded anything for him to live, for him to have not been in pain - anything of course but Brian.

Another friend died in a car accident. From everything I know of the events of that night a million and 1 things could have changed the outcome. They had stopped at a friends house on the way home, if they had just stayed 1 more minute....possibility 15 more seconds. If the drunk driver that caused the accident hadn't gone to that bar, or left at that time, or had that last drink, etc....so many things could have left Steve alive at the end of that night.

Where does that possibly get us though? Thinking of those painful "what if's"? No-where, but in a place of darkness and anger.

There are those moments though that don't bring death and sadness, fear, shame or mistakes. There are just as many of those simple moments that cause all that is good in our lives. As hurt and angry as I am at Jim right now - regardless - if a car hadn't broken down in the Catskills on his way up for a visit from Long Island, he wouldn't have gotten stuck up here longer, we wouldn't have re-connected and truly chose to try "this" again - if that car hadn't broken down, he would have just been here two nights and returned to LI - possibly some phone calls between us, but I'm sure nothing more. If that radiator hadn't gone, that simple fact, that simple event, inadvertently caused the birth of my son. I know it's far fetched to think of things like that, but it's true - a domino effect - or a butterfly effect...

How would our lives change if we did notice these moments for what they truly are and can become? Everything would be different. We would know exactly where to go, who to meet, who to trust, how to live, who to love, what not to do, so on and so forth. It would be amazing, right? But then we go back to the old idea and truth that without sadness we wouldn't know happiness, without loss we wouldn't know gain, without sickness we wouldn't know health, again so on and so forth. So as much as I can sit and ponder, wish I could change the past, wish I could see the future, wish I could make it all better; I can't, you can't, we can't.

I know for me, right now, at this point in time - I NEED to have faith. I NEED to believe that there is a reason for it all. I NEED to stop thinking about the things that are out of my hands. I NEED to believe that my moments have happened for a reason, and that they will add up to a great life, greatness that I could only know because of the unhappiness I've already felt.

What are your moments? Can you recognize them? Because from now on I'm not even going to try anymore, to look so hard and analyze so much...it's a new goal for me - to accept that there is a direct reason, a purpose, to believe in something so much greater then myself, and to hold on to any little amount of faith I have and attempt to have it grow until I don't have to try anymore, until it's just there -

I'm not sure if that made much sense...if it was just random thoughts spewed around...but that's where I am at this MOMENT - and thought I'd share :O)

Hmmm

It's Sunday. Beautiful outside. Just got back from a bike ride with Brian. 'Bout all so far.

Jim called and put it right out there for me. He hates me, wants the divorce, wants to move on 100% and not look back, other then to see Brian. He kind of made it out like this - if I don't fight a divorce, or make it hard at all on him, he'll be happy to give me primary custody, which involves child support. So if that's the truth, then bring on the papers. Bri is obviously what matters most to me. It is hard that he feels so much rage towards me, but hopefully at some point we'll be able to look past such strong emotions and be able to be adult, mature parents for Brian.


I've been made an offer my another friend Joe, lol. This Joe I've also known for years and we've been good friends since I was like 12. He also is adorable :O) Anyhow he wants me and Brian to let him pick us up and go spend a couple days in Clayton where he lives. His dad owns a Golf Course and hotel or something, so I would be staying there alone with Brian, if we went...and I'd get to just get out of town and away from all the drama for 2 days, which very well be just what I need. I also have always loved his mom and aunt, so I could spend some time with them...so I don't know - I'm def. considering taking him up on the offer. Brian would have a blast, there would be so much for him to do...so it would be good for us both. I'm sure Jim wouldn't have a problem with it either, so it's not like I have to worry about that - so we'll see.

As for now I'm going...I'll write soon I'm sure.

good bad and ugly

I only have a little bit, so this one won't be as dragged on as usual :O)

The speaking engagement went much better then I could have imagined. The students were attentive, respectful, interested, and even asked some questions. It was only 45 minutes though, and I didn't have time to do some of the interactive things I really wanted to do with them. Just giving them the run down of my story took a good 20 minutes, then some stats, questions and ding ding - the bell rang and it was over. They even clapped and congratulated me :O) It was just an awesome feeling. My old teacher was also impressed with how well it went, and that made me feel so awesome because he was the one person I was most nervous about sharing my dirty laundry with. I just felt very welcome, and it was awesome. I hope I get to do it again, I'd like a little more time if that happens with the students....and from here on out any invitations I get I will be more then happy to accept :O) I wonder if other then being a CASAC (chemical and substance abuse counselor) if there would be any way I could turn this into a proffession. Not because I want to get paid for sharing my experience, strength and hope with people. I just need a job, and am raising Brian practically as a single parent, and it would just be amazing if I could find a way to take this on head on and survive while doing so, if ya know what I mean?

I've promised to not dwell on Jim as much...but this isn't as much about Jim as it is Brian. This poor little boy is being hurt on a regular basis - and no parent wants to sit back and watch their child hurt...but as of now there is just nothing I can do about it. He'll stare out the windor for a solid hour waiting for that white truck to pull in - sometimes it does, late - sometimes the phone rings instead to cancel. Jim acts like it's ok because he can throw in my face all he wants that Im not working or directly supporting Brian either, financially. But I don't get it, because he IS WORKING, A LOT, he makes decent money, he has perks - and he reminds me all the time of how much he is working....but should I be impressed, should I give two shits, she I just flip out when it's mentioned? BECAUSE all that "HARD" work he tell me about doesn't contribute in the least to Brians caretaking, wellbeing, fun, etc,,,,NOTHING but a possible meal once in awhile, a few random toys that don't serve any purpose other then 5 minutes of excitement...oh wait once a month or so he takes bri to get a happy meal - $4.95 woopie. I don't know I'm just so aggrivated. Plus the extra kick in the teeth was him saying "oh i'm drawing up divorce papers, get ready to sign so we can get this out of the way once and for all." awesome, lets just hurry up as quick as possible to erase our marriage, love it. Maybe he's ready to propose???hmmm

So I don't know, that's just where I am right now. I'm gonna try and write more later when I'm not so negative, because I'm sick of being negative and want to start portraying myself in a more positive light - good thinking brings upon good feelings which brings on good actions....so we'll see

A few positive things today...

First off - we had to reschedule court because Jim couldn't make it due to work...whatever...so i knew if i had gone it would have been pointless because no descision would have been made without Jim - since this is the first time he had to switch anything the Judge wouldn't have just gone on and done anything with out his presence. Anyhow we both called, and Jim explained why he had to miss....and I found out a little while ago that the Judge understood and just adjourned it for next month, so no harm done - which is obviously good. That Judge is for sure one person I wouldn't want to piss off in any way, shape or form. Good news there.

Secondly I received a letter on facebook today from a girl who lived and grew up in a neighboring town. We had met once or twice real briefly many many years ago - but ended up facebook friends somehow. She wrote to tell me that she's been reading my blog frequently, which was enough right there to make me feel pretty good and even a little honored. It shocks me that people who don't know me find it interesting and worthwhile to take the time to read my ranting and ramblings. She went on to tell me that she is a Science teacher in Bolton Landing, and that she noticed in one of my blogs that I was going to speak up at my old school this week to a group of students about my experiences with drugs, and so on. She told me that if I thought it went well this week with that, and if I enjoyed doing it and would be willing to do something like that again, that she would love to have me come speak to her students at Bolton's highschool! I was pretty psyched - and instead of writing about it all over again in the blog, I just copied what I had written her, just took out her name and pasted it here, so ....
Dear ...
I am not sure how to express how truly honored I am to have gotten your message. Just to know that someone I've only met possibly once is taking the time and interest to read my blog is pretty awesome to hear, but to offer me another chance to speak to students after this first time up at Johnsburg makes me even happier. It means so much to me whenever I have a chance to talk to younger kids, peers or even adults and possibly say something that might help them later in their life or even right now in their present. In AA or NA a common phrase is "you can only keep what you have by giving it away," which is so completely true. It helps me so much to stay clean when I share my story and help other people in the same situation or similar situations. I spoke at a H and I meeting (hospitals and institutions) a couple months back, you can only speak at those type of meetings if you have 6+ months clean...but anyways it was an Alanon meeting at a BHU center close to Albany (behavioral health unit.) There were so many young adults there that have been batteling with addiction their entire lives, but not their own addiction, but those of their siblings, families, but mostly their parents. I walked away from that meeting feeling amazing because I was able to give those patients something invaluable which was having a basic understanding of that their mom or dad loves them and isn't making a consious decision to chose something else over them - but that once this ball is rolling it is out of their control and is no longer a choice. My mom is an alcoholic, and if you've read my blog much you know that, and it's always been pretty severe and rough, enough that now at 51 she needs a new liver. I swore I would never become her, in highschool I gave my friends who smoked weed a hard time, vowing to never touch a drug, and only drink very socially only. By the time I was 21 I was her full-blown and possibly even worse....with a baby that I love more then life and a addiction that had taken that life over. I'm getting long winded here I'm sorry - the point is that I can speak on both ends of this disease and I want desperately to help keep anyone from making the same choices I made, and from living the hell I lived for 4 full years without taking a second off - I lived those years in CONSTANT guilt, fear and shame and hurt a lot of people, broke a lot of promises, lost a lot of time I'll never get back with my son, and never thought I'd be able to resurface into the "normal" world again....and knowing how hard it was for anyone who tried to get through to me, I'm realistic in knowing that I can't just walk in, say a few things and save lives. What I can do though is plant a little seed, give some information, tell my shit, and offer resources. I guarentee when I go Wed. up to that 10th grade class there will be more then 1 active addict sitting there, listening for somethnig that they can grab ahold of and use as a life-line, and that's who I'm talking to - and the kids that were just like me, good-two-shoes, prudent and thinking that nothing like that could happen to me - thinknig that my hatred for addicts and addiction could save me - well it's important for those students too to hear how it can all change in a hearbeat and before you know what's happening your life is on it's way to complete destruction. But I will stop rambling. Like I said before though I'm just really blown away that people like you are reading my ranting and raving blog, and in turn thinking that I would be a good person to go and speak to students or other people alike. So THANK YOU for giving me such the honor of wanting me to come speak to your class, and I will be just that, honored to do so. I will be writing Wednesday I'm sure about how it went up at Johnsburg, I'm pretty confident that it will go really well....but if you remember to, you can read all about it on there, and just let me know however is easiest when you'd be able to have me come to Bolton and how much time I'll have, the grade and age range, etc. Again ... thank you so very much.

Krista

So that was good thing #2

Finally the last good thing to occur today was this ; I sat down today and wrote, and wrote and wrote. Well typed to be specific and honest here :O) I wrote so much that it made this blog of mine look like a short story, and we know that isn't the case, lol. I've descided that I really want to try and write a book, about everything, not just the drug stuff, but just about everything I would know to even write about. I got quite a bit done and I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. I'm not going to show it to anyone until it's finished, if I ever actually finish it. I've started like 20 times to write a book, kids books, fiction, autobiography's, etc...and have gotten pretty far in a few, but never finished and eventually lost interest, big shocker, haha. Long story short I'm excited and I'm really optimistic that I'll get this one done, and even if it never went further then my 4 walls it's a big accomplishment and I'm hoping to eventually write those words, THE END :O)

So of course my whole day was not great. There was a financial situation that I won't go into details over, that has to do with my parents....but it sucks and it's caused a good amount of fear in the house and anxiety so that sucks - they don't need anymore stress then they have already.

Then of course Jim got me all worked up again. He's been talking about taking Bri to Long Island to get him to know Jim's family and spend a couple days on a "man trip." But it's been put off 4 or 5 times, after Brian got all excited and ready to go. Today though Jim told me that next week he won't be able to take Brian on his days off like he sometimes does - for 1 day at least, because he's going out of town with this new g/f for a little get-a-way ; because yeah that's way more important then the other option, right? I hate them both; the relationship; the mockery it makes me feel is our past and our marriage; the way it gets me so heartbroken, hurt, upset and angry....that it has any affect on me. I just wish I could change how I felt about this whole situation, because as sick as some of the people closest to me are of hearing about it and seeing me go crazy about Jim and I and her, I'm even more tired of it I promise....and I am just so ready for it to be something I'm capable of letting go of!!!

But that's my day pretty much, in a nuttshell. I gotta run, and play with Brian. We turned his toyroom into a house today. He has a bedroom - which is a big Thomas the Train tent with pillows and blankets. He has a living room - which is his little couch, little portable DVD player, make shift coffee table. He has a little kitchen with some snacks in it - and the bathroom that is real is still his bathroom, and people have to ask before entering...lol. It's pretty cute though, and I just like to do things with him that i know I would have LOVED when I was a kid, so it's nice and awesome to make him happy with such simplicity. Leave me some input and again if you read this, add yourself to my list of readers, because I want to know :O)

I so need to snap outta this!

Hey everyone - It's been awhile since I've written a full, real blog - I've become lazy and non committed just like I said I would back when I started this - old ways die hard. So I'm going to make an honest effort at getting back into it, as much as lately I've not wanted to and stick to what I set out to do. So if you see me slacking, get on my ass with comments :O)

I'll break this one into sections, so all the shit that I'll be writing doesn't just run together in a bitch, whiny, victim mentality and poor me mess. So ...

Section 1 - Momma dukes. Things haven't changed since I wrote last and shared her diagnosis/prognosis. I don't want to write too much about her because other then the most basic things it really isn't my place. I'll write about how I feel about it till I'm blue in the face, but she's a private person and I have tried to leave her thoughts and feelings out of this blog as much as possible...but I was reminded today how important doing that is, so I'm going to be even more careful to not invade her privacy just because I choose to share everything with the world. Things are hard though here at home...a lot of fear and sadness with each of us. Although this shouldn't have come as a huge surprise and or shock, but I've learned throughout my life and through the hardest of situations, that no matter how much you may be prepared or knowledgeable - denial is usually stronger then any of those things and often takes precedence in your mind to keep you in a safe state of ignorant bliss. My mom's always been real good at living in such a state of denial, for her own protection. In the past it was always mostly surrounded around my dad's illness. Even though it was always in our faces and a constant struggle in our lives, it always came as a huge surprise to me that when something scary or life threatening happened with my dad that my mom always seemed stunned. I guess sometimes it's better to live like that though. If she hadn't, then she would have been terrified and heartbroken every second of her marriage and just waiting for my dad's death - unable to experience anything good. God the doctors told us he was gonna die when I was 12 for Gods sake, and then other times since then - so if she had always allowed herself to prepare she would have spent the last 26 years waiting to arrange his funeral. So like I said denial is a huge self protection mechanism to her, so it's been hitting her really hard that she's been forced to deal with the reality of this particular situation. We're all trying to be positive, but in my family of doom and pessimism that can also be a challenge. I'm trying my damnedest to get us all to just focus on one thing at a time and not get too ahead of ourselves, because there is going to be A LOT that will need to be done, that we'll have to go through, that will be scary and difficult beyond words...so it would be way too overwhelming for any of us to try to figure it all out at once - so if nothing else I am really trying to help mom focus on only what needs to be done next - the present. I really wish I could practice what I preach, because I am such a hypocrite even trying to get someone else to live in the present while I spend my entire life chilling in the past or worried about the future. I will obviously keep up with filling in what happens when it happens from here on out with my mom, and how we're doing....but for now there isn't much else to say since nothing has changed in the last few days except for the different ways everyone who loves her and she is dealing with the situation and allowing it to sink in. That's just all such a different and personal experience for anyone, never the same between two people...so again I can only try to explain how I am coping, if I'll even be able to explain that I have no idea, but I'll try.

Section 2 - How terribly I'm dealing, or not dealing for that matter with the loss of my husband and the only relationship I've had consistently for the last 7 years (even though it was up and down, shitty then good, in it's own way it was consistent, and something I always could hold onto and count on being there, hard to explain.) So like I have mentioned too many times, he's seeing someone. Someone that I wasn't allowed to know her identity until last night, someone that he says he really cares about, someone I feel so much hatred towards it truly is disgusting. Although we had agreed for Brian to not meet any significant other's we may have now or in the future when we first separated, he met her last night. I still wouldn't have known who she was, because Brian never would have even remembered her name - but he knew the house because we had been in it many times, so it was easy to piece together after that. She isn't a friend, but I have met her in the past and know of her. Everything about the situation has hurt like hell, but to add fuel to the fire I found out that a friend of mine that I've had since birth practically - and a friend that I feel I've been trying really hard to support lately - had known about this relationship since it began, even seeing it first hand, and giving the girl information and or advice because she has known Jim for so long, and filled her in on me as well. That was a kick in the gut I wasn't expecting. I felt like such an idiot, because right after Brian told me where the house was, this friend I called ASAP because I knew she'd know for sure who occupied the house....then found out that she had known about it, and kept her mouth shut even while I cried and cried on the phone with her many times about how horrible it was hurting that he was with someone, and how much it was bothering me that I didn't know how. When she knew that I knew and was less then thrilled that she had been lying to me - her biggest reason behind it was that she didn't want to upset me if it turned out to be nothing. Just more betrayal and hurt feelings from my point of view. It sure didn't score any open mindedness about the girlfriend either, finding out that she asked specifically all about him and for information about me ; being told that we had only been broken up for a little less then a month at that point, that I was so not over it, that we had been together for as long as we had, that we had a child...pretty much our whole story was dished out to her by her friend (my "friend.") So the fact that she still pursued him knowing all of these things doesn't make me think very highly of her. She also has a son, a little older then Brian...and I guess she recently broke up with a boyfriend of two years, yeah so to top it off when I talked to my friend she actually tried to make me feel bad for this girl, and tried to stick up for her to me, ahh. Anyhow God do I wish I could snap out of this, not hurt as much as I do...give Jim what he so desperately wants which is me to be a silent person in his life, to not break down every time we see each other, or to ever contact him unless it's an emergency. Believe me he doesn't care that I'm hurt, which is beyond my way of thinking to comprehend, it just makes things messier for him and he's plain sick of it. In his perfect world I don't think he'd chose to ever have to lay eyes on me or hear my voice for the rest of his life. It's so hard to understand how someone can just stop caring about someone else that they suppoably have loved for as long as we've been together - it breaks my heart but is really making me question if it was ever real between us, if he ever truly loved me the way I thought he did, the way he expressed he did. So it's serious enough to him that he really wanted her and Brian to meet, and he cancelled seeing Brian today because he went to her family's home 1 1/2 hours away and ended up having "truck problems." Which probably just meant that he was having to nice of a time to cut it short, yay for him. So yeah I know I need to stop dwelling on this, in my head I know how I should be acting, and feeling - unfortunately my head isn't corresponding that information to my heart and I've completely out of control of my emotions when it comes to this subject, which I hate more then anything imaginable...I hate not being in control, being and feeling this weak. I hate him seeing and knowing how hurt I am, and in turn seeing how much it truly doesn't affect him or bother him. Although I can't control the constant streams of tears that are pouring out without ability to stop - or my thoughts - or the pain I feel - I can control how much I make other's hear about it, most of all him. So from here on out this subject will be limited, and I will try to get off the pity pot once and for all and even if I can't find it in me to accept and deal with this, I can find it in me to not make other people hear about it - so enough is enough and that's it for that section.

Section 3 - My attempts at moving on. I've been on two dates, and was supposed to have a third with someone different tonight - but car problems were running rapid tonight and he had to reshedule. It sucked because I really was looking forward to it, and spent most of the day nervous and anxious, just to get a last minute message from him that he couldn't make it to NY tonight....which I got right after a conversation with Jim on the phone that again had me in pieces - so that sucked...I was really just hoping to get out and forget about real life and try to just have fun, but hopefully we will be able to reshcedule and that can happen at a later date. But my other two dates, with a guy named Morgan. I can break his anonymity because I know he reads this, and I have a strong feeling that he'd enjoy more then not that I was including him in my blog and wouldn't mind me naming his name. If I'm wrong, oops, and just tell me :O) I met Morgan almost exactly a year ago, for a short time. We didn't keep in touch at all in this last year, and a few weeks ago we connected on facebook and went out for the first time a week or so ago, to the movies and out for coffee. It was nice. Not uncomfortable at all, distracting, and I definitely enjoyed myself - enough to see him again the next night at least....and I think we're going to make plans for tomorrow or the next day too. It's nice too because he knows my situation 100%, or at least close to it. By what he had learned about me last year, reading this blog pretty thoroughly, and just what we've talked about in person - it makes it more comfortable and much less pressuring that I know he understands what my current situation is, how emotionally bankrupt I feel right now, how much I want to keep things simple and casual and just enjoy each others company, etc...so it allowed me to feel comfortable with him within the first 5 minutes of our first date, and since - so that is refreshing to say the least. I've said to him as well, that as much as I'm scared of getting hurt I'm also scared of hurting an innocent bystander as well. So I'm 100% upfront with him, to do my best to avoid anything like that happening....because as of now I don't think a guy other then Jim has the capability to hurt me for the next little while at least...so I just need to remind myself that although I'm pretty emotionally closed off right now other people may not be. But with things all out in the open I don't think that will happen and it has been nice to spend time with him and at least try and feel that there will be a life beyond right now in the future....so that's that and I'll keep you all posted on any other dating experiences I may have :O) Remember though this is the first time I've been on a date since I was 18, so it is scary and a pretty big deal, hopefully it's like riding a bike and I don't turn out to be a complete disaster dater...lol

But for now I have to go, my show is on and I wanna go watch. One more thing though that I'm not sure I've mentioned yet. This coming week I've been invited to speak up at my old school to a class of 10th graders about my experiences with drugs. I'm honored and excited and really can't wait - and I've been told that if it goes as well as expected I'll be invited back to talk to other classes and grades, so that is definitely something positive on the horizon, that will make me feel much better and give me hope that I can turn my shit into something that might just possibly help someone else. For now goodnight, and I guess I jumped back into my blog after a mini vacation, I just spent almost an entire hour typing - oops :O)

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I really am so sick of listening to myself bitch and whine and cry and freak out. I can't handle feeling so damn weak...but as I sit here suffocating in my own fear and reality - Jim is off playing house with our son and his new girlfriend...great timing to tell me that tonight of all night's is when he chooses to take his relationship to such a big next step, such as meeting the most important person in our lives...Brian. He won't even tell me her name, age, where she lives, anything...supposedly it's only been going on a short time....at least I've only been in on it for a couple weeks, but in his words it's serious enough that he wants Brian and her to get to know each other - and on the day after my world once again caves in around me he decides to pretend to look for my approval by asking if this meeting is alright, knowing damn well if I had said no it would have happened anyhow. I really am having a difficult time believing that any of what I thought was real in the last 7+ years between us was at all a reality...how can anyone who ever really loved someone care so little when there is so much going on...I've given up on thinking he'll be of any support or show any compassion, but does he have to add to it? I know it sounds dramatic, and I know you must all just think "well drama is Krista's middle name" but I just wish I knew how after so much and so long anyone can just turn away from another like this. He was my family, I just don't get how he can't care. I know I've said it before...but things just keep getting scarier and worse around me, and nicer and more fun around him...and he just hasn't even batted an eyelash to pretend to have a ounce of empathy or just decency in my direction...I don't know if I will ever be able to trust anyone again, because he really had me convinced that no matter what he would always love me and care about me and be there for me...that we would go through this together...ahh I know I can't control how he feels, and I know I should just let it go that I don't understand it, and accept that this is just how things are - but I just so badly want to believe that any part of us was real and that it wasn't all just a big lie - and i can't believe that with him treating me like he is...because love doesn't just disappear and turn into hatred.

mom

we went to the doctors today. he finally gave us a cut and dry diagnosis. it's end stage chirrosis and without a transplant then....well i don't think i need to put it into words. they wont even begin evaluating to see if she can even be put on the list for another 4 months, she has to be 6 months sober before they can even start the process. the two closest hospitals are in Boston and NYC - that will be decided obviously at a later time. i just wanted you all to know the update. and right about now i really can't think of much else to say, nor do i want to really try...thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

A little ego boost I suppose

Long story short, growing up I was the "ugly duckling." Maybe not even the ugly duckling, but definitely the awkward and ostracized one. Boys didn't like me, girls we mean to me. But then when I was 15, just out of pure bordum I entered a pageant, I was 1 out of 12,500 ish applicants to be accepted to compete in Miss Teen NY, held at the Omni on Albany. It was pretty great, gave me a nice little boost of confidence and lessened the frequency of those "picking myself apart and wishing I was anyone else moments." I only made it to the top 15, in the pageant and the road ended there. But I had a BLAST, it was so much fun, it was a great experience...and I wasn't for a second upset that I didn't win because I was still just in so much shock that I was picked in the first place. A few years went by and I decided to give the modeling thing a shot. Hard for someone living in North Creek NY, with zero experience and funds to get started...but I tried. I found some amazing photographers who were either willing to pay me cash or free prints to shoot with them, and I even found a manager to represent me out in West Virginia - where I traveled all expenses paid to go meet with and shoot with his photographer. My manager had a connection with a big wig at Maxim magazine and it looked like I was going to be getting a 2 page layout there - but I had to be 21 first. Coors Light is Maxim's biggest sponsor, therefor you have to be 21 to even be in the magazine. Long story short, I got pregnant when I was 21, and ended up forgetting about the whole thing. No, I don't want to be a model now. I think an ice cube chill in in hell would have more of a chance of surviving in that market then I would...plus 26 is ancient in the modeling world. But sometimes I do like to look at those pics and give myself a little boost and think that possibly I really was a pretty girl who stood out a little from the crowd. Well today I did just that. Maybe it's the Jim thing, or it could just be that I feel down and out and definitely unattractive these days...but I looked, teared up a little, and now I'm giving myself a little ego boost and sharing them with you :O) Seriously though, check the pics out and see how much younger I was, how certain things have changed, while others are still there about my appearance. Also of course positive feedback is much acceptable, tell me as much as you'd like how cool these pics are :O) So click on the link dammit http://www.onemodelplace.com/member.cfm?id=55850 if for some reason that link doesn't work, go to www.onemodelplace.com and just type in 55850 for model id number. Let me know whatcha thought. ME

Happy Anniversary to me.... :O)

I only have 15 minutes, but I've sucked at blogging lately so I'm forcing myself back in the computer chair, lol.

Today is or was or is (legally) Jim and I's 5th Wedding Anniversary. It sucks, it makes me sad, but I'm ok for the most part. I'm more so grieving the marriage that I know we COULD have had if things had been different, and the man I know Jim could have been as a husband to me if things had been different. I'm missing the man that I love and have for years and years, but also the man who I know has moved on, a man that wants the finale to our story summed up, and a man that has given up on us 100% - and I don't say that bitterly, I do understand why that's the case. I'm grieving what I wanted us to have, what we could have had, but not what we did have - if that makes any sense. I'm ready to move on...scared...uneasy...fear of the unknown and change....hesitant....yes all those things, but ready. This time 5 years ago Jim and I were holding each other on the couch at my Aunts house watching American Idol, house sitting, eating doggie bags from our wedding dinner, and still in the clothes we got married in. I was 5 months pregnant, looking all big and fat...we were placing bets on whether or not Carry Underwood would win - Jim won that bet :O) We were excited to start our lives together, for our son to be born, we felt like we had the whole world at our feet...it's a good memory. One day I'll be able to look back at memory's like that and not cry but smile and count myself lucky to have had such great moments in my life. Right now it still makes me tear right up, but it will get easier...and it helps because I know that this is the right thing for both of us, but most importantly it is the right thing for Brian. I will always hold millions of those types of moments in my heart, and I will forever love the man who taught me how to love, and fathered my son...it will just change over time and the pain will lessen sooner then later I'm sure. It's ok to grieve this...it's not ok although to wallow in it, so that part is over for good. None the less if he were here right now I'd hug him, kiss his forehead and tell him Happy Anniversary and that I want him to be happy, and that I'll always love him, then say goodbye. But he's not here, so I just played that out in my head and for my blog readers...lucky you.

ANYWAYS - I have another anniversary to tell you about. TODAY IS 9 MONTHS SINCE MY LAST USE! 9 MONTHS CLEAN. 9 MONTHS SINCE THAT DAY OF TERROR. 9 MONTHS WITHOUT BEING SCARED OR SICK EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE. 9 MONTHS OF BEING ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY WITHOUT THE FOG OF DRUGS...9 MONTHS BACK! It's a big milestone for me, and I'm proud to have accomplished it. I just pray that I make it to a year, then another and another, and so on. Right now though I am just grateful for this 9 months, and i have so many people that have helped me get this far that it would be impossible to list - but you know who you are and I thank you with all my heart.

Also today Julie D. called this morning. She offered me a pretty awesome gig. She asked if I would go up to my old high school, to my old health class, with my old teacher and speak to a class of 10th graders about my experience. I am so honored to have this chance...to hopefully be able to help someone give me more joy then I can express. I have hoped for many months a opportunity like this would come up, and I am so grateful that it has. I would love to do this on a regular basis, all over the state...hey possibly become a little spokesperson - someone who can end stereotypes and put a face to the label of addict, or junkie. I just can't wait to do this, and really hope that it leads to more and more chances of the same nature. So Miss Julie Lee I love you for offering my this, and setting it up. It means everything to me that you feel like I would be a good person to talk to these students. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I don't want to get ahead of myself, so we'll start with this one on the 17th, but I will be praying that it goes well, that I scare those kids straight, say something they will remember, and offer resources and help if they need it...and if I feel like I've helped in anyway, I will be praying for the chance to do it again...and again....and again. So again thank you for getting my foot in this door, because I never would have known how to go about it, but have always thought about doing something like this, so yeah i'm psyched!

Brian is really sick, high fever...so i'm gonna go to bed just in case he wakes up...lol i know it's too much, but i hate when he's sick.
love to you all
get in touch, i need help trying to get this whole life thing going again, the whole moving on and having fun thing that is :O) so come out and play ;O)

Another one....mostly written by Ellis

Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Ellis
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

Ellis died early Monday morning, July 16th 2007. 4 days earlier he wrote his last mass e-mail...I thought the best way to go about explaining things would to be by just simply copying and pasting his own words, and the words of his family.
I know he wouldn't have minded me sharing this with you because he was always very open and sent this to every person in his own ad. book, so it was meant to have been read - and in my opinion to see what true bravery is.


..> Hello everyone,

I thought I would write although not much has changed. I'm just hanging in there as I come closer to God's time. I am a little scared of actually dying, or the process of going through it. Will I wake up tomorrow, which would be nice to a point, because that would be peaceful. I am tired of being so exhausted, just from going from the couch to the recliner, or just repositioning myself on a piece of furniture, I can feel like I just ran a race or something, heart pounding and gasping for air. I know sounds all so morbid, but in fact that is what it is. So when asked how are you doing and I say I'm hanging in there and surviving then that is part of it.

I do enjoy visitors although I often fall a sleep on them if you don't mind neither do I. Its nice to know someone is there and cares enough to come and visit me. Just because I might fall sleep doesn't mean I don't know that you are there. If your lucky I might have a task for you and you can feel useful to give my mother and family a break. I have to say that my mother has been a true blessing to mean pushing through all of this and has been here for 2 months now. I'm not sure how she does it. She sleeps next to me and will help me go to the bathroom to getting me something to eat. She is all ways there. This reminds me of the section of the bible that I am listening too. I am inspired by JOB that all he has been through Job still does not curse down God for allowing Satan to curse him, and seems to have even his friends and wife blame God for all that has happened. Remember our faith is always being tested, I only hope I could live up to a speck of his strength and faith for God and realizes that all that has and is happening are part of God's love and not his wraith. I'm glad to know that all is under His control and not just by chance or by Satan, for that would truly be a nightmare to live through. Ok I'll move on because I know I'm rambling and I am constantly dis-oriented.

I wanted to again thank my family and friends for being there at all times and sacrifice time, home, love, and having no shame as I know longer know what dignity is nor do I care. I am truly blessed to have those that have are willing to be there to hold my hand. All I can ask is for the continued prayers from everyone and ask that they keep coming for at this point that is all we can do at this point. I ask that you pray help me let go from this world so that I can be in true paradise that I can only imagine what it will be like, But I know it will be awesome. My family and friends have been able to let me go, I only wish I knew how to do such a hard task. What is holding me back? I don't know, but it isn't as easy flicking a light switch. So pray that I will be able to let go if that is God's plan and will. If you don't know what to pray for God knows what I need. I'm going to go now thanks for listening and let me assure you that I 'am still here. Thank you everyone for every thing you have done and yet to do. I love you all.
God Bless,
Ellis


We thank you for everything

I wrote this in 2007 -

Sometimes I don't feel like writing so when that happens from here on out I'll post a really old entry in my old myspace blog....some are kind of fun to read after such a long time, some sad, but most are at least semi-interesting...
Friends.

I'm really beginning to count my blessings and am considering myself a very lucky person to have so many amazing friends. We'll start with the obvious, and how fortunate I am and have been since I was 16 years old to have my dear friend Ellis in my life...constants like that are so hard to come by!

The other night I had a little BBQ, in which I was able to spend time with some people I haven't seen in forever. Molly, who I do see occasionally, but usually for short periods of time...it was so very nice to spend hours with her in a social setting, and it just reminds me why we've been friends for so many years, and how much fun we have together. Caitlin is home for the summer, doing a law internship with our very own DA...my little Cait is so smart :O) But it's truly awesome having her so close again...I've grown up with her only yards away from my door step, so after all these years it's nice to have that luxery again! And finally Eli...whom I hadn't seen since my wedding reception about 2 1/2 years ago. I've written blogs before about how much I miss "the guys" and Eli was always either mentioned or implied when I'd say that. So the other day we were talking online and I mentioned how much I'd love to see him, and he had been contemplating a visit home anyhow, so the next day he drove home from Lake Placid. He couldn't get over how much my life had changed, and I couldn't get over how he was still very much the same Eli who I have been friends with for years. He's a halarious guy, who's so fun to be around...and it was just really great to have him here for the night, and to catch up...hopefully it won't take another 2+ years for our next visit...but at least now I know that even if it does, we can pick up and still be friends no matter how much time between visits.

Also I was granted a surprise visit from a very good and old friend, Jen Wescott. Her, her husband, Justin, and her beautiful 9 month old Son, Drake...showed up at my apartment completely out of the blue last week. I hadn't seen her in 3 years...but speak with frequently. It was a huge shock, and a great surprise to see her pull into my driveway, and I was so very excited.

I've also ran into and heard from so many people who have checked in after hearing about Ellis. Many people know how close of friends we are, so many have called or contacted me after hearing the news of his condition. People truly do "come out of the woodwork" during hard times, and it's so comforting to know that people care and are concerned.

So even though most of the time I'm super sad and mopey, lately...I do notice all the good that comes from situations like this...and find so much comfort and joy in being around friends...especially friends who i've known for decades.

So even though it's June and not January first, I feel like making a resolution. It's simply to try harder to keep in better touch with the people that matter so much...friends.