Mom :

Well today didn't end up being a very good one. My mom's stomach was drained a week ago to let out all of the fluid the liver wasn't processing, it's called edema. Today isn't already close to 90% of what it was in the hospital before the procedure to empty it. So she's in a lot of pain. The GI doctor has scheduled her for a draining - which is called a parathentsis, so spelled wrong, for Friday, and he has an appointment with her Thursday, both I'll of course be going to with her. I also have to get her over to the health center regardless of how weak she is for blood work tomorrow, it's important that we know what certain levels are in her blood results. With these symptoms it is seeming to be what we were hoping it wasn't - permanant liver damage, not acute. That isn't necessarily a death sentence of course - it might just mean a lot of outpatient procedures to drain her stomach every week or so, lots of medications, and if she remains abstinent from alcohol for 6 months she could be accepted on a liver transplant list...so we still have options. It just makes me so sad - last night she was standing over me looking at something one the computer that I was showing her...I put my head on her belly - carefully - and she got all teary and said "Krista I really hope I have one more change to be the mother you've always wanted." That's all I want too, I just pray she is given this one last opportunity to clean up her life and enter happiness into it.

Today we did find out great news though, news we've been waiting for for almost 3 years. Her disability claim was approved - meaning she'll get a monthly check like my dad does, as well as a large settlement that goes back to the first day she filed and for every single month until she gets her first check...so that will definently catch them up financially, and they'll be able to pay members of our family back that have helped so much...and for once they might not have to worry about just simply making it through the month, or whether their electric or phone will be shut off. We've been waiting for this answer for so long, for a judge to find in full favor of my mom - but it doesn't seem as amazing now as it would if it happend a month ago. My mom even said "great, I'll get the money and then die in 6 months." She's always been a pessimest, but this time she has good reason to be as scared as she is, and she sure is more scared then I've ever seen her before about her health...she doesn't want to die, she just wishes her life was different, which hopefully we get this last chance to try and make that happen for her.

Since I had so much nervous energy today I got even more accomplished, I've been a busy bee these last few days. Today I swept and mopped the kitchen - spotless...I vaccumed the living room, moving all the furniture...and I cleaned my bathroom so nicely I really would eat off the floor. I always clean best when I'm scared or angry - except when I was getting high, I would clean like a crazy women when I had opiates in my system...but as of late it's been the scared and pissed emotions thats been driving me on these frenzies.

I would like to briefly acknowledge the family of Steve Cook, who died on this day 8 years ago. He is always in my heart, along with all of everyone else who knew him...because to know him was to like him. I an thinking of you all today, and am thinking of Steve a little extra today as well.

I have to get going, my son wants to do some arts and crafts with me before bedtime, and I had promised earlier...so I gotta get off my ass and keep that promise. Im such a baby, already so worried about his trip that's coming up this week to Long Island...it's pathetic that I'll miss him as much as I will, and worry to a crazy level...ah well I better start getting used to things like this, he's growing up awfully fast,,,and with Jim and I eventually being divorced this stuff will probably happen frequently. Love to you all...and please keep praying for my mom - thank you!

Another quote that I enjoyed "Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we loose it, but it is also true that we do not know what we have been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Do not expect love in return, give it a chance to grow in their heart; but if it does not, be content that it grew in yours."