Good Morning!

Good morning to you. Even though I don't feel like I have much to write about, I'm trying to make this a real habit of doing, so bare with me during the dull blogs about stuff you probably don't care at all about, just to keep me doing this routinely I have to force myself to write even if I don't think there is anything to say. I feel like I got run over by a train right now - my psychiatrist/Suboxone Dr. is trying out a new sleeping medication for me, since no other's ever seem to help what so ever. It's called Trazedone, and it used to be perscribed as an antidepressant but it made everyone on it so tired and incapable of functioning during the day that it went off the market for a little while. So now it's used as a sleep medication, with an added benefit that it increases Seretonin levels in your brain (one of the "feel good, happy" chemicals, like dopamine or endorphins.) The hope is that it allows me to actually sleep at night, and possibly increase those levels as well adding to a lower depression level...but I can't take the full dose he put me on - because I am so foggy and drowsy that I couldn't do this at all on a regular basis. So I'll cut it in half and see how that works for me, I'm keeping my fingers crossed because in my opinion there are few things worse then lying in bed for hours at night trying to fall asleep - that's when the scary, shameful, guilty, fearful, pessimistic, worry and concerns flood my brain - and who wouldn't hate that?

I'm not too sure what is on the schedule for today. It looks like it might be a semi-warm, sunny afternoon so maybe Bri and I will go do some sledding. I'm planning on making a big dinner tonight too, so that'll take up some time. Mom's allowed very little sodium in her diet, so I've been trying to come up with dinners that accommodate her new diet restrictions. I am getting a little concerned about Mom though because her stomach is seeming to get bloated again, which means that it's still filling up with fluid from her liver. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's permanent, just that it might take a little while to get her liver working again...but it's so scary to think that this may not be an acute situation, and that it won't improve - but I'm trying to be positive and hope for the best...anyhow - Yesterday I spent almost an hour going through all of her new medications - and had to go to Rite Aid and get one of those pill boxes with the days of the week labeled on it, because there are so many. Most of the new meds are vitamins, diuretics (to make her pee out a lot of the extra fluids) etc. I've learned a lot about vitamins though, like that Folic Acid is incredible for the liver, who woulda thought? I also am making her take a herbal supplement called Milk Thissle, which is also known for being very healthy for livers. Between all my knowledge of opiate's/pain med's, breathing meds, vitamins, herbal supplements, I really should just be a pharmacist.

Speaking of careers - I'm really very seriously considering getting into a nursing program through either ACC or Boces. I've thought about becoming a RN for awhile now, and I feel like I have so much experience dealing and being around sick people - and that may give me an advantage. I've even seen people die right in front of me, which isn't something everyone at my age have witnessed....a little desensitisation is a good thing in that line of work, right? But I am good with people, I am definitely a caretaker, it's a career that is always in demand, that pays well, and that would make me feel like I was doing something good for people - which is sometimes the best medicine for any one's spirits in the world - to help someone other then yourself. It would also allow me to provide a good life for Brian and I, and give me independence of knowing that I could care for us both without anyone elses help, even Jim's. I'm in no position right now to start a program like that, I need to work right now - but within the next year I would love to see myself headed towards that goal.

I have to get going for now - Brian's hungry and I need to get dressed and cleaned up - maybe that'll wake me up and help get me out of this fog...I really hate this feeling - it's almost like hung over going on 2 hours of sleep, not so pleasant. I will definitely be back on later though, and I'm going to think of something to write about more then my daily grind...something that people might actually be interested in reading. The last week or so I've just been kind of having writers block - I obviously am still writing and rambling, but in my opinion it's all been about mundane things and that wasn't the point of me starting this...so I'll think of something to write about later. Much Love and God Bless.