You'd think with all the crazy shit that's bouncing around in my head it would be the perfect time for me to dump it all out in here...but for some reason it's the last thing I want to do. Jim took Brian for a couple more hours tonight, and when he picked him up and dropped him off I couldn't even look at him I was so scared to fall apart. I've been getting used to living day to day without him being a part of my life, I really have...but this is a whole new issue to face - that I am not proud to admit I am not feeling able to face. Every second that he's not at work or with Brian I'm wondering if he's with her (I don't even know who her is, or what the situation is) and I keep realizing more and more every second how final this makes everything, as if it wasn't final before. It's just now I know there is no turning back, and that's what scares me the most. I've always known no matter how big our problems were that I could show up and kiss him and he wouldn't slam the door in my face...now I know he would. AH I know I sound so stupid, and that's another reason I don't even want to write, because I must sound so pathetic to anyone out there who isn't me. I just feel that after 8 years he's mine...it's been "our mistakes, future, family, love, hate, mess, life...OURS not his and anyone elses." I just don't know how to get over this....hell I just got asked out on a date, by a nice guy...and I can't fathom it - I haven't been on a date with anyone but Jim in 8 ish years. Even when we were separated before my arrest and I was with Westie all the time, it wasn't about love or romance or dating - it was about two people who were friends, who cared about each other, who were so fucked up that we were the only two people we thought could understand...Jim had walked away the night I got home from detox, I was destroyed, really trying to stay clean...but failed after only a couple weeks...I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to Westie. With Jim though, it isn't about being a mess, emotions taking over, him dealing with my walking out on him, him trying to validate a terrible lifestyle...he's in one of the best positions I've ever seen him in...his own place, vehicle, year round full time job, money in his pocket, clean, seemingly happy - and with all the shit we've been through, am I there to enjoy it? Am I there with him trying to rebuild our lives? Is he standing by me while I try to pick myself up once and for all and be the person I know I should be? No, in the first time in years that I feel we should be together, should be giving it our all, might not actually be 100% toxic for one another, he's sharing it with someone else.
I KNOW I CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEELINGS.
I KNOW I CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST.
I KNOW I CAN'T MAKE HIM WANT ME BAD ENOUGH TO FIGHT FOR US.
I KNOW IT'S LIKELY BEST FOR US BOTH TO MOVE ON.
I KNOW IN MY HEAD WE SHOULD.
I KNOW THAT PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND MISS HIM, AND I'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.
I KNOW WE CAN'T UNDO ALL THE MISTAKES AND HURT.
I KNOW I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.... it just doesn't make it any better knowing.
Thank god I'm getting back to Conifer tomorrow, I know that too. I've missed over 2 weeks because of mom being sick and all the shit that's been going on, and I'm going back tomorrow...just in time...it might save me from 100% loosing the last bit of sanity I have left. I don't feel like using right now, but I can see myself really falling back into old habits (IE: feeling sorry for myself, hating life, loosing any peace I had, immature wishing things were different, etc etc etc.) And old habits can lead to worse things, so I'm just glad to be going back...and everything happens for a reason, and I'm so relieved that i went on the Suboxone when I did...that buffer sure is proving itself worthy right now.
1 comment:
Hang in there, it will get better as long as you don't do something rash to make it worse. You know how hard it was for me to get over a certain someone that had me fucked up for years... Maybe I'm still kind of fucked up. Either way, it does get better, it just takes a lot of time and rational/positive thinking. And I know that rational thinking isn't your strong point (:p), but you should keep trying.
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