Alright, well I haven't touched a computer in days, much less blogged - so time to catch up.

Mom is home from the hospital. We don't know anything, and that will continue to be the case for at least a few weeks. She'll have to get a lot of blood work done to monitor her levels and then hopefully we'll find out whether or not this is a permenant or acute situation. She's feeling alright, getting around ok, and just trying to rest so she can start feeling a little better in the near future. That's about the jist of what's going on there though, I wish I had more to report but we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

I hate to even write about my Jim frustrations, but why not? He doesn't read this so he's not getting the satisfaction of knowing that I'm so angry and emotional about him, so it's just a way to vent I suppose. I don't really have the opportunities to do just that - vent - often so I guess it's a good outlet for that. I have spoken to him twice in the last 5 days, of course he hasn't seen Brian since last week...and he got his taxes back - thousands I'm guessing and gave me a $20 last week, nothing else. Doesn't it bother him that with all that money he hasn't spent a cent on Brian, or anyone but himself for that matter? I don't want his money...not for me anyhow. A good example is though that my parents car wouldn't start, tires were dead bald, I got tickets the other day for lights being out and it being uninspected - my grandmother - who does way too much for us as it is, paid to get the stuff fixed...luckily is was way less expensive then we were assuming, but she should NOT have had to do that. It's been 50%-50% between him and I who have driven that car 99% of the time, and who haven't been taking care of it for years. With all the money he has right now, why wouldn't he have taken care of that stuff - since he contributed so much to the car being fucked up to start with? His son rides in it, it brings Brian to see him since he doesn't have a vehicle, why wouldn't it cross his mind to fix the things he's helped break? I'm just so sad that things are the way they are, that he's acting like this, that he wants so little to do with the family that has been his for 8 years....it just disapoints me, upsets me, let's be honest here, it breaks my heart.

I hate it too because I still feel the need to defend him. So many people in my family HATE him, and I still try to make them understand the good in him, because there is good. He has done more then anyone can see for my mom and dad, he has been at times a good husband, a good father, a good provider (at times.) I just hate when I feel so much saddness about him and the situation along with anger, that I have to defend him, and I do - because so many things people say really is so off base. Yes he's an asshole, yes he's fucked up, yes he should do more, yes he should have helped more, ect ect ect - but it is what it is....and even in spite of all that I can't sit by and listen to people talk so much shit about him. He's still my husband, whether he thinks so or not, he's my son's father, without him I wouldn't have Brian, and I can't imagine living in a world without Brian! As much as people see the terrible things there has been good - but good doesn't bring nearly as much attention as bad, and it often goes much more unnoticed. I don't want to defend him, I hate it, especially since I'm so angry....but I will continue too because there are some things about him worth defending. I don't know it's just so hard.

I know everyone has shit that they go though...my shit isn't any worse then anyone elses...but it's a lot, and for me it seems so overwhelming right now that I sometimes find it hard to breath under it all. I'm going through a seperation from a man who has been almost everything to me my entire adult life thus far. I'm a single mom, with no job YET (still waiting,) no income, a drug addiction I'm trying to beat every day, outpatient, not 1 but 2 sick parents that I live with and that I'm their only child, very very few friends, no social life, no way to escape, a reputation that I'm trying to build back up, trying to forgive myself and gain forgiveness from so many people I've disapointed and hurt - trying to regain trust, etc etc....I'm not trying to get pitty from anyone, truly, but it's hard and I am dealing with a lot right now. I've played the victim role so much in my life, and that really isn't where I'm going now - it's just the situation right now and it sucks. But just as I said before - it is what it is. I have FAITH that it will get better, that things will look up, that there will be light soon at the end of this road, I just hate waiting and I'm growing impatient.

I got some information packets the other day from my Suboxone Dr...and one said this and I really liked how they worded it, so I'm giving it to you... " With almost 2,000,000 people in the US dependent on opiates, it is more common then people think, and the condition is very misunderstood. It's important to recognize that opiate addiction is a brain disease, not a moral failing. The brain becomes re-wired to believe that opiates are crucial for survival, which is why so many addicted people continue use long after negative consequences are apparent."

I just wish that I could make people understand. Not just for me, but for my mom. I'm someone who has been so judgemental towards her my entire life, but now I understand better then anyone where she is and has been for so many years. I just wish more people understood that this isn't a choice - and really believed that it's a chronic disease, like diabetes...I even have a hard time truly believing that sometimes, if I really believed that this was a disease I wouldn't be having such a hard time forgiving myself for some of the things that have happened....so I can understand that if it's hard for me to really get, then it has to be so much harder for someone who isn't an addict. I don't know - I'm running in circles like I usually do once I get going on this blog, so I'm gonna stop. My mind is all over the place, so I understand why my blog would also be, its hard to attempt to write what's going on in my crazy head...but I'm trying.

This blog is for me, it's a selfish thing that I'm doing for me. I don't have many people to be 100% honest with about my feelings, what's going on inside my mind, my fears, my anger, etc - I have less people that I feel are capable of being 100% non-judgemental (it's impossible for anyone to be 100% non-judgemental in any situation much less mine) so I do use this as a way to express myself without fear, censoring or editing - as if I were talking to a best friend. I am not pretending that this is for anyone else, for people to understand, accept me and my past, anything - if people I care about can get a better understanding of me by reading this then that's great, if people can maybe learn something or feel not alone if they are in a similar situation, then great - but in reality whether anyone read this or not wouldn't change what it's doing for me, which is just being a way to express myself daily, to be open and brutally honest...that's all.