I still can't help but be stunned by the response I'm getting - when I expect judgement and disgust from my story/life/past ... I end up receiving support and open mindedness. It really is amazing! Again I thank you all who have written, read, commented, and gotten in touch with me after years and years, after reading my blog...and not pretending like we never knew eachother once you found out what the last 4 years have been for me. Almost every day I find such inspiration and support from people I would never imagine even taking the time to read this, much less writing and telling me how strong I am. So for that I truly thank you all - it's really giving me hope that I won't be forever labled a nasty junkie and instead be considered someone who conquered something difficult and came out stronger and better in the end. Right now hope is sometimes all I have to hold on to, so it really means the world, I can't express it enough, but I won't go on and on so simply enough THANK YOU!
I posted on facebook today, but incase you didn't read it - "God actually threw me a little bone for once - Jim was supposed to take Bri to LI tomorrow, which I was all nervous about (just cause he's always with me at night, and the drive, etc) and we're finally getting a snow storm...see he likes me sometimes, god that is." So that sums up that situation, but yeah I'm relieved that I dno't have to miss and worry about Brian for the next three days. And it's not at all because I'm not comfortable when he's with Jim, it's just him being so far away, homesick, or scared that had me so concerned....and I just hate him potentially being on the road for 5 hours without me with him (like I could stop something from happening if I was with him) but I guess as a mother I would jsut rather be there is there ever was a car accident or something, obviously. Sometimes I know I worry to much, but he's been through so much in his life already that I just want to spare him any further fear or saddness or worry or having to miss me that I can. I feel bad for him though, at 4 - I think part of him know's how much he really is my "everything" and I know that's too much pressure for a kid...he worries about me awfully, if I'm upset or tired, he's so protective. Hopefully that'll let up a little when he starts school, and when we're not together 24/7 and when I get something more in my life but him to enjoy and get happiness from. I just don't want him to feel like he's responsible for me being happy or sad, that's a big fear right now because I am so back and forth these days....sometimes I'm so happy and hopeful, and then there will be days like the last few that I'm just so sad and lonely...and he's too smart for my own good, he know's me better then I know me sometimes, and he picks up on it all.
I'm tired, and I hopefully will be going to OP tomorrow again, but with the snow I might not make it. But either way I'm gonna try and get some sleep now while I think I can. I hate nights though, I won't go to bed until I'm positive that I'll pass right out, because I HATE lying there locked in my own head - wondering what Jim's doing, guilty, thinking about the past, scared of the future...it's just a scary place to be - in my head I mean. So if I can't sleep I assure you I'll be back to write more :O) Love you - and even if I don't know you, I really mean that...this blog has taught me so much more then I had anticipated and meant so much more then I thought possible. If you read regulary, like I've said before, become a follower so I know who you are, your not allowed ananimity if I'm not, lol.
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