Good evening...who am I kidding, there is nothing good about this evening. I'm so sick of not being able to fall asleep I'm on the brink of going crazier then I already am. Once I am asleep I'm good - dead to the world, happy in dream land...it's the damn falling asleep thing that fucks me over all the time, and forces me to function at 7AM with a hyper 4 year old who wakes up and acts like he's ready to run a marathon. I don't even really know what to write about, but I need to occupy myself somehow - and there is nothing on TV, and not much else to do at 2 AM then this...well that's not true, but I already finished my 500 piece puzzle a couple hours ago, haha.
A brief update on mom. My Aunt Sass (Cindy) and I took my mom to the hospital today to get her stomach drained...but unfortunately they couldn't do it. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I guess there are all these different pockets in your stomach where the fluid would fill up, and they only puncture one place and empty what they can from there, so they go for the place with the most fluid. Well although she did have a fair amount of fluid in different pockets, it wasn't enough to really drain, and she wouldn't have felt any relief from it anyhow so they decided not to do it as planned. So yeah I am assuming it's a pretty good sign that she isn't filling up again as much as we had thought, and that potentially her liver is starting to "turn back on" a little bit - but it is still retaining and she is still bloated and uncomfortable, and this doesn't really tell us much of anything, so it's still the damn "wait and see what happens" attitude that we're being forced to have. As soon as we got back from the hospital though one of my mom's nurses was on the phone asking to speak to me...her name is Stephanie and she is the GI specialist's nurse, and is really nice and easy to talk to and ask questions to. But I guess as soon as my mom was out of the day surgical room the doctor who was going to do the procedure ended up calling and leaving a msg for the GI guy about her mental state. He was really concerned because she was not very coherent at all - I guess she kept nodding off and waking up, not knowing where she was or why she was there...asking the same questions over and over. I was actually a little surprised because she seemed to me to be a little more lucid today then yesterday, but not by much for sure. Today was her first full day on this new medication although, and we're really hoping that it fixes this symptom. It's supposed to neutralize the ammonia and help her regain normal brain activity and clarity. I'm so scared though that after the 48 hours is up (which is how long the Lactolose takes to start working) she won't be any better in that area...who knows she might have "wet-brain." I'm not going to get into all that, because it's totally thinking the worst, and guessing on things, and I also said this update would be brief - so again we'll just wait and see, and I'll be sure to let you know tomorrow if she's becoming more coherent and less foggy. The best way to describe how she's acting I would assume would be to compare how she's acting to the way someone with early to mid Alzheimer's would act...and it really is scary - especially for her. It's hard too because it's almost impossible to not get frustrated with her, then she gets upset, and we feel guilty because it's not like she can help it...it's just in my opinion the worst kind of symptom possible. At this point I wouldn't even think to leave her alone in the house for even an hour, and it's just so sad - she's a proud, modest person and I hate to think that those qualities will be forced out of her in the near future. I've flipped out on my father a few times too, because he is so much like my son - well I guess it's better to say my son is so much like him - in the aspect that they show one emotion when things aren't going well:anger. My dad is so scared, and has no clue how to handle this, that he gets miserable, and there have been a couple times where he's started to use me as the whipping post but I put a stop to that real quick, I'm not about to do all that I've been doing, and then have him treat me like shit, nope, no way. And I understand why he's acting this way, I know how he is, as does my mom...it's just frustrating because sometimes he's a bigger part of the problems then the solutions. He's worse then I am for sure though about not knowing how to deal with mom being the sick one, it's been his role for my entire life and he really is at a loss when it comes down to her being the unhealthy one...which is an understatement, it really has to be so strange because as of now he's probably more self sufficient and stable then my mom, which is just such a huge role reversal. Either way I hope he figures this shit out and steps up because my mom needs the support right now, and I am not enough by myself to make her feel at all secure. I know I've said this before in previous posts, but I really cannot imagine what the situation would be if I weren't so pathetic and didn't live here. Seriously, if I was in a happy marriage, living in another town, working a full time job - what would we do? What do people do? Especially considering the fact that I'm an only child, it makes things really rough at times, and the pressure is definently sometimes hard to deal with. Also like I think I've said before though, is I am just really grateful that I'm in a place where I can be of this much use and support, where I am actually helping and not hurting the situation, where I'm elieviating not contributing to all the stress...thank god this didn't all happen a year ago, that's all I can really even say about that. Ok but enough about my parents, and our household...I need to figure out something else to ramble about, because day in and day out it's the same scenario, so I just keep repeating myself and running around in circles.
I am really looking forward to tomorrow. Katy, Molly and I are going out to Laura's for a big night out in the hoppin town of North Creek, lol. Seriously though it is going to be such a relief to be around the two of them! Molly and I have been friends since kindergarten, she taught me how to braid hair, and we used to pretend we were the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, haha. Katy and I have also been friends for pretty much our entire lives. At a couple different times in our childhood she lived within walking distance from my house, and we were together a lot. It's awesome though because our friendships really have made it through a lot of phases, changes, distances, situations, boys, etc. Either Katy or Molly are the kinds of friends that I could go forever without talking to, and if we ran into eachother we would pick up right where we left off. There have been times where we were all in different groups of friends, during highschool - times when Katy was away at college - times where Molly and I just didn't really talk...with good reason for awhile though. I was "that girl" and I will never forget Molly saying that to me years and years ago. See when Jim and I first got together he was dating a friend of mine...we barely knew eachother and my friend thought it would be a great idea if he moved into an apartment I was getting with me when she went away to college...what kind of girlfriend would ever suggest such a thing? I know for sure I wouldn't. Long Long Long story short, Jim and I started flirting, catching feelings for eachother and eventually hooking up. I fell in love, he said at times he was in love with me, and other times he just didn't know. Finally the shoe dropped though and she found out, in the end he chose her and moved back to Long Island so they could try and work things out *obviously she wasn't going to allow him to stay in the apartment, lol. And I didn't see Jim for 7 months, which was when he hopped back into my life, I fell hard again, as did he - and we were engaged a year later...actually 6 years ago to this very day I agreed to spend the rest of my life with him - little did I know it wasn't the "rest" but "some." Anyhow back to Molly and me being "that girl." During those months when Jim was back on the Island and I was heartbroken and crushed, I started working up at a local bar/restaurant where Thom was the manager...Thom is Molly's fiancee. She had always had a big crush on him in highschool, but at that point it wasn't reciprocated and they didn't ever end up dating...just being friends, while Molly secretely loved him, which was something all of us knew, at least our little group of girl friends. After a little while of working at this bar I ended up starting to get over Jim by flirting with Thom - as I've mentioned - the only way I've ever known how to get over a guy was to start liking another one...which is what I did. First it was harmless flirting, hanging out a lot as friends...even with Molly and Katy and a bunch of other people. We even planned a trip to Maine together, strictly as friends...to this day I swear to god that we hadn't so much as held hands before that trip. But with the flirting and us going on this little vacation we started liking eachother and dating for a few months...nothing serious, we weren't in love with eachother, he dumped me - like they all do, then Jim popped back into the picture and bam I forgot all about being upset about Thom. Anyhow - When Thom and I got back from Maine I had to tell Molly that we were interested in eachother and had kissed- which truly is all that had occured at that point. Telling her was the scariest thing in the world, and I was so mad at myself for hurting her, because she's not the kind of person who would ever hurt anyone. I truly felt like it just had snuck up on me though, I hadn't pursued him, things like that just happen - which is what I had said to her. She broke down and in the midst of our yelling and crying she looked at me and said "with Merry (Jim's ex) I could understand what happened...the two of you weren't anywhere near best friends, you only had even known her for a short time, and she practically threw her boyfriend at you. But now I realize that this is just who you are...you are THAT GIRL. The girl that likes to like guys because their friend does, and I just cannot believe you did this to ME." That conversation broke my heart, and mostly because I knew I couldn't justify allowing anything to have happened, once I saw that we were flirting I should have stopped it right there - but I was lonely and heartbroken over Jim and wanting the attention, and ignored the fact that one of my oldest and best friends was in love with the guy I was beginning to date. I was 100% wrong, and even though I didn't set out to hurt her, it was a side effect of the situation, and it crushed her. But there is a happy ending here, lol. Right after Thom dumped my ass, and Jim came back into the picture Thom and Molly started hanging out 24/7...and soon were dating, practically living together right off the bat. Awhile later Thom bought a house, and there they still live, and just recently made it official and got engaged and even set a date! It's not weird for either Molly or I (I'm pretty sure anyways) now that Thom and I ever had a thing going on...we can all hang out and it doesn't cross my mind, and I'm pretty sure Molly doesn't think about it or allows it to weird her out at all - but for some reason he's a little uncomfortable sometimes, which I only know because Molly has mentioned it. But for the most part we are all good friends, and things just simply worked out they way they were supposed to from the get-go, and I was just a quick detour that ended up taking a few miles longer, but still led to my Molly. It's funny too because like I said me, Molly and Katy have always been so close - and the three of us all got together with out future husbands in like a 3 month time period. Katy and Brian are married, living in rural bliss, with a almost two year old daughter Addison, and Katy is a music teacher at a local school, while Brian is a cook at some place that I don't even know the name of...somewhere in Cobbleskill. Molly and Thom have taken a little slower pace, but are happy, and progressing to the next level. And then there is Jim and I - on the road to divorce...as I sit here the day before Valentines Day, wondering if he has a big night planned to the T for some girl he in seeing that I just don't know about yet. It sucks, but I'm not exactly sure why it sucks, if that makes any sense. Yeah sometimes I truly do miss him, and think that I'm still very much in love with him and would do anything to make it work...then other times I'm alright with the situation, still wishing we could get along better at times, but alright - and sometimes I am just lonely and scared or really upset and only want to talk to him, and it sucks that he's not there to talk to. All and all though I don't think that it will take much longer for me to really be ok to let go, and move on...not with someone else necessarily, but to just know that we once loved eachother and because of that we had the most amazing child in the world, but it just stopped working, and it's so much better for us both not to be together - hopefully I'll be at that point real soon.
Well I got off on some shit I would never have guessed I would have written about, or even thought to write about...that's what is so fun about this blog - I can be talking about my mom's liver in one paragraph, Jim in the next, my insomnia in the next, Brian later on, an ex who's marrying my friend - whatever...I can chose to go whereever I feel like it, and it's fun to think back sometimes. I don't know, Im just really still enjoying this blog, and the fact that I know there are people that actually read it daily makes me proud and gives me a little assurance that there are people who care enough about me out there to read my crazy rants, haha. Ok but the crazyness is just ghoing to get worse and worse, because I need to sleep, and I actually think I'll be able to - maybe staring at the screen for as long as I have has just burned my eyes so much that I can't lift them for another minute, but hopefully my head will hit that pillow, I'll snuggle up to Brian and pass out quick. I'll obviously check in tomorrow, and hey if your around and free tomorrow night, come hang out with us, we sure are an awesome, fun, totally cool group of ladies ;o) Goodnight, although I didn't mean it when I started writing, now I do - it is a good night afterall...see how theraputic this thing is, lol
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