Hmmm;

Hey everyone. This is some snow storm, huh? I was happy to get some, but this is a bit much and I’m really hoping that it stops soon. It was better whether then it has been in a few days so Jim was finally able to pick Brian up for the afternoon, I think he was going to take him to Glens Falls and bring him to his first movie in a theatre…it sucks and it’s such a stereo-type, but Jim really does come off looking like the fun, awesome, exciting parent, he gets to do all the fun stuff, without any real responsibility. If I had the damn job I was supposed to already have started I’d have money and be able to do fun stuff too, oh well.
My mom went to the doctor today because she’s in a terrible amount of pain. Her stomach needs to be drained again but not until March 8th, so in the mean time it’s got to be very uncomfortable and painful - so I feel bad for her. As far as her mental state and energy level goes she has improved a great deal - but the fact that it’s been as long as it has been without a drink without much physical improvement worries me a great deal. She’s on med’s to lower her ammonia level which helps the coherency, but if she stopped it would go right back to how it was when she first got home. She’s also on a lot of diuretics to lower the amount of fluid, so I can’t imagine what her stomach would be like without those. So it’s just scary to think that it’s looking like her liver isn’t recovering like we were hoping it would. We’ve been arguing a lot lately, which I feel bad about also. I’m just always in this house, she’s obviously always here too, and we’re just spending way to much time together and getting on each others nerves. Who knows, my home life is quite a lifetime movie right now without the hot neighbor who’s trying to seduce me, lol.
I need to snap out of this mood I’ve been in since I found out about Jim and this mystery girl. I’m sad all the time it seems, edgy, depressed, and always wondering where he is and what he’s doing - it sure as hell isn’t healthy or conducive to my life. It’s just so hard. When you first get out of a hard relationship you feel a sense of relief…there is no fighting or arguing or stepping on eggshells. But after a little while you start to just glamorize the good and forget about that bad. I look at these pictures of us and convince myself that we had such a better relationship then we did - but when you think about it you only really take pictures when you’re happy or doing something fun or important, so that’s why it looks that way. I wish I had a picture of us fighting to stare at, or a video of one of our many arguments, that would help. I’m just really missing him so much, and it’s much worse knowing that there is another girl in the picture because it makes it seem all the more final. We’ve broken up and separated a few times, but always worked things out and tried again…so part of me expected that this time - but if he is dating someone I don’t know if that would ever be something I could get past, ugh. None the less I have to find a way to snap myself out of this mood and stop dwelling on all the negative shit, and start remembering again how much worse this could all be.
In the “recovery world” they tell you when things get hard and you get depressed and fall into a “funk” that you should make a gratitude list; so maybe that’ll help. I’ll try and think of 10 things to be grateful for….

#1 I’m eternally grateful that my son is ok and isn’t being affected by my poor actions anymore and hopefully never will be again.
#2 I’m grateful to not have to worry about being sick anymore, about needing something to function or get through the day.
#3 I’m grateful that I’m not sitting in a jail or prison cell. I could have gotten arrested countless times other then the once that I did, for bigger charges then I had, so I am grateful that I didn’t end up going away for a much much longer time then I previously spent in County Jail.
#4 I’m grateful that I’m in a position to be helping my parents and not hurting or taking away from them.
#5 I’m grateful that I don’t live the way I used to, I was always scared or sick or guilty or full of shame. Although I still experience fear and guilt it’s at a much lesser level then it once was.
#6 I’m grateful that my son loves me as much as he does, and is once again secure in the fact that I’m not going anywhere again.
#7 I’m grateful for all the kindness and support I’ve received from my family and friends, I didn’t expect it but I appreciate it more then I can explain.
#8 I’m grateful to not have long term physical damage due to my use - IE: disease or serious liver damage. I can’t believe I never overdosed or hurt myself or anyone else physically - it’s a miracle that I’m even alive. The statistics say that heroin addicts who have been using for 5+ years have a 60% chance of dying in an overdose.
#9 I’m grateful for my outpatient program, I’ve developed such important bonds with many of my counselors and fellow clients.
#10 I’m grateful to have made it 9 months on March 6th 2010 :O)

Well I can’t say that helped immensely, but it does remind me and give me a slap in the face because it could be so much worse then it is. I should honestly be ashamed to have such a shitty outlook and attitude at times. When I first got to rehab from SCJ I was grateful for EVERYTHING - to have a bed, a shower, a razor, to be around people who didn’t just scream my last name and carry batons, to be treated like a human and not a animal, to know that Brian was ok and being well taken care of by Jim and Greg and my parents, for food, everything. That attitude carried me through many months and the fear of screwing up kept me convinced I never would. They say that after awhile an addict glamorizes their drug like I explained glamorizing my relationship - humans have a great capacity to forget pain. And that when you are thinking about the time you spent in active addiction it’s so important to “play the whole tape through, from beginning to end.” It will remind you how bad it really got - if there weren’t positive aspects of using drugs - no one ever would…and it became something that simply made me feel so much better emotionally. But I can’t think about the few good things about it, I need to think of all the terrible things that using did for me. So I am going to make a real attempt at trying daily to be more grateful and remember exactly what it felt like…on the infamous day of June 6th 2009 (the day I was arrested.) I’m going to get going, I need to take a shower and try to get something accomplished during the little Brian free time I have :O) I’ll write soon, thanks again for reading. Love to you.