The Steps...

Yesterday a counselor said something to me that got me thinking. He asked me why I don't value myself enough to care more about taking care of myself and what I need to be happy. So he wants me to write affirmations on sticky notes and put them around the house - like "You are a good person...you are worthy...blah blah - to cheesy for my taste." But I will admit that I need to start working harder again on basic things that might indeed make me feel better as a whole, like the steps.

Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanagable.
That one was pretty easy for me to work through. I knew I was fucked up for most of my active addiction, there wasn't ever much denial going on in my head about that. I did do a pretty good job of convincing myself that I was a better mother and wife under the influence, but even so I knew I was not in contol anymore and that things were pretty unmanagable. If I had had any denial, laying on a cement floor in jail, detoxing so terribly I thought I was going to die, and more scared then I had ever been in my life because of how hard I knew this was and was going to be on Brian, more guilty and full of shame then I knew possible - was enough to have jolted me out of any so called denial anyhow... So by the time I got to rehab and started working the steps I had a pretty good handle on this one.

Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This one wasn't so hard either. Technically it was written using the assumption that the power greater then us would be god, or a higher power...but it can really be anything. For me it was easier to say that it was my counselors, support network, people in meetings, family, etc - that I put faith into and hope in that they knew better and could help me. So again this step didn't get me too hung up.

Step 3 : Became willing to turn our lives and our will over to God as we understood him.
This one was and is much harder for me. For some reason I can't turn my will over. My will is what has gotten me to the place I'm in, trying to do things my way, the way I thought best. Wouldn't it be great to just let go and turn it over to God and allow Him to worry about it and hold it in his hands? If it sounds so appealing I wonder why I can't seem to do it. This step is holding me up so much, and I know for a fact if I could move past it things would start getting easier for me...I would begin to find peace and serenity in my life, I would stop hating myself so much, and I would be able to have faith that things were the way they are supposed to be.

The only other step that I'm terrified of is Step 9 : It's the famous "make an ammends" step. I don't know why it scares me so much. I've been told it's because I have yet to forgive myself, so I don't think it possible that anyone else would be able to forgive me either. Also I think that the one person I was counting on to forgive me the most was Jim, and he wasn't able to, so I think if he couldn't who could? And for awhile I thought he had moved past our past, but when I discovered that wasn't the case it through me backwards a little. Thank God Brian is doing better, and secure in the fact that I'm not going anywhere again, and our relationship is thriving - so I take that as forgiveness, as much as a 4 year old can give. I've just hurt a lot of people. I also think words are cheap, and until I feel like I'm truly doing better and am where I should be, I think I should just wait to do this. I want to show people I've changed, not just say sorry and call it good.

Regardless I know I have to start working harder. In a few days I will have 9, NINE months clean...I just feel like I should be further along here. I feel like I should be feeling better, and not just a little but soooo much better. I feel like I should have a handle on my insecurities and emotions. But I am reminded often that the goal here is to have a - Nice, slow, and long recovery - it won't happen on my terms, and in my time. Being all about instant gratification is part of the reason I got into this mess, I need to break the habit. Maybe I'm not supposed to feel ok yet, maybe I'm right where I should be at this point...goes right back to that damn step 3 I can't get past.

Well I'm going to bed. Jim has tomorrow off and is taking Brian for the day, so who knows what I'll do - I'm assuming there will be a long post here at least. It's terrible, but as much as I say I need a Brian break sometimes, after a few hours I just can't wait for him to get home. Thank GOD for him. I still haven't gotten anywhere with the Jim situation either - as far as knowing anymore or coming to any realization that it's ok for him to move on - or ending the self pity/immature thinking that if I know everything it would somehow make me feel better, when the opposite is most likely the truth. I just hate seeing him, it just hurts too much. Alright good night all - enjoy your sleep as I hope to do mine.