Well it's almost 3:00 AM, I slept really well last night so I guess my body filled it's survival quota and now I'll be up again for days. When I was in high school I used to have a problem with insomnia; then for years it was much better, I would hate to see it reimerse again. I'm sure if I went and layed down and tried to sleep I would be able to after an hour or two of lying there, and for me it just isn't worth it to do that, so here I sit and write...but I really don't know what to write about so this might either be an interesting post, or the most randomly ridiculous one yet, your guess is as good as mine ;o)
Today I took Brian over to Katy's parents house so we could hang out for a little while and get the kids together. When we first got there Brian was hiding from Katy's two year old daughter like she had the plague but after a little while he warmed up as he usually does and they actually ended up playing, it was pretty cute to see my very best friends daughter and my son running around interacting with each other. Although there is a substantial distance between her home and mine, I really hope that our kids can end up being close and in each others lives while they are growing up...and hell Addison (Katy's daughter) is pretty cute, maybe Brian was playing with his future wife today. I asked Katy and her mom to take a few pictures today too, which I uploaded on my facebook and myspace pages as well as on here - at least my profile picture, but I'm not sure if I can add anymore then that. I don't have a digital camera so I've had the same picture of myself as my profile picture for Internet pages for years - I was 19 in that picture and it was taken by a photographer in Saratoga when I was trying out modeling (a story for another blog, but it was fun - just hard to do much since I definitely don't live anywhere near the fashion world) so I am glad to have something more recent of myself out in cyber space, and of course I love to show Brian off any chance I get so that's convenient too. After we left Katy's we went to the store and Brian bought himself a matchbox car - with his very own money, and did he feel like a big boy, it was adorable. Yesterday I decided to start trying to initiate more responsibility in his young life and get some cheap labor out of him, haha. He's pretty good anyways about doing little chores when he's asked but I thought this would be a more productive way to work it. So he was able to earn $2.50 by making our bed, my mom's bed, and helping me vacuum. He also has his own little wallet now and man bag, so he's all set up. He's so sweet too, last night we went to the store because he wanted to get a couple things out of those quarter machines, with the crappy toys in those plastic eggs. He got himself 2 bouncy balls, and then got a ring to give to my mom for Valentines Day...he wanted to get me one too, but I told him it wasn't necessary, but he was tickled to be able to give someone a present that he bought with his own money and picked out by himself. I know I'm a typical mom who goes on and on about their child, it's just that for me I feel like I'm experiencing a whole new world with him and it's pretty exciting. I was present during his first 3+ years, I played a very active role in his life, we were together constantly and always very connected and had a strong bond between us, yet the addiction obviously had an effect on our relationship that I never would have known existed if I hadn't gotten clean. Just being able to spend time with him without having to worry about getting high to keep myself from getting sick, not having him wake me up in the morning and my first thought being of the questions of how I was going to get through the day...many different things. Also although I wasn't ever so fucked up that I blacked out or didn't know what was going on, there was obviously a fog that was always surrounding me, and in turn how I viewed him. It's so hard to try and explain, especially since I don't really understand it myself - it's just different now and I know that's the reason why. Even though I still feel so much guilt on a pretty consistent basis that also is different...it's easier in my mind to feel guilty for something that happened in the past then to feel constant guilt for things that are occurring in the present. None the less my relationship with him has never been better, and I can finally see how fucked up my mind was that I really was able to talk myself into believing that I was a better mom high, and I'm disgusted that I used that as an excuse to myself to continue using without trying harder to get help. Hindsight is 20/20, right?
So there have been some changes with my mom, some good and some not so great. We'll do the good news first - the Lactolose that she's been taking, to lower her toxin levels in her blood from her liver not functioning the way it should be, is working. The amonia levels were so high that her brain was being affected, and for me that was the scariest by far of all the symptoms thus far. She was having a really hard time remembering anything, constantly repeating herself, answering questions that hadn't been asked, etc...living in a pretty thick fog is a good way to explain it. The worst part about it was the she knew how weak she was being mentally, and would try to cover up things she said when she realized that she wasn't making any sense...she was pretty embarrased and definently scared, as were we all. But she's been on the new medicine for 4 days now, and it's made a big difference. She's still not ready to be a contenstant on jeaopardy just yet, but it's 100% better then it was and we are all pretty estatic that it is. The bad news is that between yesterday and today her stomach has become very hard again - meaning that the fluid is building up pretty rapidly, that the diuretics aren't working well enough, and it causes a lot of pain and looks so incredibly uncomfortable. So I am going to call her GI doctor tomorrow and probably end up scheduling another fluid draining procedure - she went last week to have it done but there wasn't enough to really make it worth it to have it done. I'm sure there is this time though - it's one thing when her stomach is just bigger then normal and bloated, but when it's so full that it becomes rock hard we know that something needs to be done. I don't know exactly what kind of time frame we're looking at here before we know for sure if this is going to improve or not, but I just have a pretty strong feeling that from here on out it's going to be about comfort levels and trying to keep things from getting worse, I don't feel like they are going to get much better - but that's just my guess please don't take that diagnosis as anything that was told to me by her doctors...I just don't feel very hopeful about her improving too much, which just sucks, there is just no other way to put it. Speaking of my mom, she's up too right now at the wee hours of the morning as I am...so I think I'm going to sign off and go keep her company. I really hate that it took something like this to bring us closer together, to allow me to finally let go of some of my resentments and prioritize what is really important now and let go of things that happend in the past, and to finally get some sort of healthy relationship built between us with me acting like an adult and her sober. I guess I don't care what it took or takes to build our relationship up from what it was, I just really hope that she's around for a long time to come for us to enjoy this new found mother/daughter relationship.
Goodnight to all, nevermind I should say goodmorning. Tomorrow is going to suck, I'm pretty sure I'll be up still by the time Brian wakes up, it's going to be a long day and I assure you that I won't be much fun for him. I can continue to chose random things to write about...but please if anyone has a specific question, or something about me they would like to know more about, or not even specifically about me but about addiction, growing up with an addict parent, dealing with sick parents, going through a divorce, being a single parent, absolutely anything that you might want to know more about or read about hit me up with a comment! Maybe it would be more interesting for people to read also if these posts weren't always left to my own devices on what they are about - I know for a fact that I can get repetetive and boring, so anything to keep anyone who reads this regulary interested sounds good to me. Again, I so much appreciate all the people who do read this, comment on it, are open to hearing what I have to say, who write me and tell me their opinions and offer support - it still is so amazing to me what this blog has brought up between myself and the people that have read it; pretty cool, pretty cool :O) I'm also going to try and upload those other pictures on here somehow, but I'm not as compter savvy as I thought I once was, so if it doesn't work I won't be surprised, check out the facebook page to see them.
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