It just keeps getting worse - where is the light everyone keeps telling me is at the end of this road?

I'm drained so I copied and pasted a letter that I sent to a old friend of my mom's to keep him up to date on all that is going on, some of which I've already written about here, but also some new information of today's happenings...Sometimes it's just hard to write the same thing a dozen different ways 10 times a day, so as far as the general 411 goes, here it is - after the e-mail I sent him I'll write as I normally would.

I'm not sure if you've read the blog at all, but if you haven't I wanted to give you a quick update although we still don't know anything that's 100% certain. According to Mom's recent blood work she's improving in certain area's - her blood counts are good, meaning she doesn't need another transfusion - and her liver enzymes are down a little since she was in the hospital. Before the specialist saw my mom and I today he was expecting to see a woman who was in much better shape then when he saw her two weeks ago - instead she's even worse. She's very very weak. She even slept for 19 hours total yesterday, and it wasn't just a "I'm depressed and I don't want to get out of bed" situation, it was a deep, hard sleep - that I even kept waking her up from time to time because she was so completely knocked out, and at one point her breathing seemed really labored, so I woke her up and put her on O2 for an hour or so before she went back to bed....I've been able to get her to eat dinners every night, and smoothies for lunch - nice healthy meals, no sodium, and very yummy if I do feel the need to pat myself on the back. We are getting her stomach drained again tomorrow which will hopefully relieve some discomfort. My main concern right now, and what I believe is the hardest symptom for all of us is her mental condition...the liver obviously filters many different toxins, one being ammonia (spelling wrong) and when that builds up in your system it causes affects on the brain, not permanent, more acute - so when the levels of toxins go down - if they go down, the mental clarity comes back. Today she began a new medication called Lactolose - which I am very familiar with because of my ex boyfriend who died of cancer 2 years ago - what finally killed him was liver failure and he was on that medication for a month or so before he died, and it was able to keep him pretty coherent. She's just very forgetful, repetitive, confused, she'll start to say something and forget where she was going, or she will answer a question that wasn't asked...it would remind me of how someone would act during mid stages of Alzheimer's I'm assuming. What's so terrible about it for her especially is that she knows how confused she is, she's not so out of it that she can live in ignorant bliss, she's terrified and the confusion just makes it worse. So she has only had 1 dose of this new medication, and tomorrow it will start at 3 times a day - and if it's going to help we will know so within 24-48 hours, which is great that it won't take days to fix this awful symptom. We still don't know for sure whether this is going to improve the longer the alcohol is out of the equation, and we probably won't for another few weeks - but as far as I'm concerned it's seemingly something very serious that probably isn't going to just go away even without the poison that caused this in the first place. Cirrhosis can be a very slow moving disease if you take good and gentle care of your liver after diagnosed, which she is and will continue to do - as long as I'm around anyhow....but I have a feeling that it's already probably pretty advanced - from what I've seen and what I've researched once the fluid ascites happens it's a good assumption without need of a biopsy that the liver is beginning to fail.
Anyhow I've already written more then I intended, which is what I always end up doing. Just so you know there is an ounce of good news for my mom which we just found out - she got her disability, meaning the judge found in full favor of my mom - so now it's just a matter of waiting a few more months for her to get the back payment and the monthly check - but at least she can see a light at the end of the financial tunnel - I know she's been scared of loosing the house because of taxes, so that's a huge relief.

I sound so damn conceded when I say this - but I really don't know what either of my parents would be doing if Jim and I hadn't completely separated and if I wasn't living here full time. I honestly think at this point they would need to be placed in an assisted living facility...so things happen for a reason - and even if the reason really sucks for me, and is hard as hell - it's good to know that I'm being of as much use as I am. I'm her health care proxy, as well as my dad's - I'm in charge of all their meds (except any opiates, I don't trust myself that much yet) I plan the meals, and sometimes force them to eat, I have to help mom do about anything these last few weeks...so luckily I'm in a place where I'm able to take care of them, instead of being the selfish fucked up person i was less then a year ago.
Ok still I ramble, I hope this helped you understand exactly what is happening. I have the Internet at home now so I will be on regularly - with or without us having any money I made damn sure that I had the Internet - it's dial up so it sucks, but right now the computer is my only real link to the outside world, so it's a must, lol. Feel free to write and ask any questions, or to pass anything on to my mother.

I really thought I wanted to write, but I guess I was wrong. Quick run down of the day - Mom's worse - Jim had Brian most of the day - I cleaned because I don't know what else to do with all this nervous energy - Every night while I'm putting Brian to bed we ask eachother what our High and Low was for the day...I assumed his high was either going to be sledding with his father or going to McDonalds with Jim, but you know what this confused little boy said what the highlight of his day? That Daddy and Mommy didn't fight when they saw eachother...god that makes me feel awful. Yeah that's about it. Tomorrow Jim is off again and taking Brian for the day again - which is great, he needs to be around healthy people, out and about having fun, being a 4 year old with his daddy. My Aunt Cindy and I are taking my mom to have the fluid removed... and yeah then it all starts again ----There is something although I have to look forward to for the weekend. My beloved Katy is coming up for Saturday and Sunday nights....Sat which is the 13th (6 years ago the day Jim proposed to me) Molly is picking me up around 9 and we will meet Katy at 10 to go hang out at Laura's, some band is playing. It truly seems like whenever there is something terrible occuring in my life Katy always ends up being here for me, she truly is 100% the definition of a best friend, and I am so looking forward to being able to relax and remove myself from this house for a couple hours....I'll be able to have Brian sound asleep before he leaves, and once he's out he's out - and I'll be able to just spend some time with two of my dearest and oldest friends and escape for a few...also I'm trying to convince my friend Joe to come visit me - he lives near Watertown, I've known him since we were like 11 and 12 - he's a super cutie, we've been good friends for all these years and it would rock to see him, so maybe I have some stuff to look forward too amist all this shit - I'm also still praying for the Barking Spider to open it's damn doors so I can get to work. Ok then, I'm making myself a Brownie Sundae - with lots of whipped cream, carmel, ice cream, hot fudge - as many calories as I can cram in a bowl - then I will attempt to sleep, something I haven't had much luck with lately.

Good night, god bless.