Grief and loss...an uplifting post - it's not.

Hey everyone, long time no blog...did you all miss me :O)? I've decided if there isn't much interesting news to report on from my daily life that each blog I'm going to just randomly choose a topic and go from there...we'll see how it works. But before I get going on tonight's topic I do have to give a quick update on mom. She's doing a lot better, mentally, physically, all together! She's not even close to 100%, but she's able to get around much better and is almost where she was a few months ago mind-wise, all good news. Her stomach is still filling with fluid, but we'll see how that progresses. She got blood work done yesterday so I'm sure we will know the results on Monday, and I will let you all know what the news is there.

Ok so Grief and Loss - what a sad subject to bring up, but a subject of such importance for so many people, especially for myself. I've lost 3 VERY important people in my life, and many others that were important but not life altering, if that makes any sense. I think it's hardest to loose people who's absence will change your daily life, and it's easier to loose people who didn't play such an active role in your life. You can grieve things other then death of course too. I've grieved relationships, platonic and romantic...I am currently grieving a family/marriage/husband/a life I thought I was going to have. It sounds crazy but at times I also find myself grieving the loss of my crutch, at times my best friend, at other times my worst enemy, opiates. I grieve people who used to be in my life and who are no longer a part of my world....the list goes on and on. I believe I've dealt with grief as well as anyone could possibly do so. First I'm going to briefly tell you about my 3 biggest losses thus far in my life, all of which happened between the ages of 18 and 24.

In order of occurrence - first was Stephen Cook. He and I had been in the same class since kindergarten, even married one another in a school play, we were the cutest couple in the world at 5 years old :O) In a small school whether you are best friends or mortal enemies with a classmate they all sort of become like siblings to you...we spent so much time together, we knew almost all there was to know about each other, etc etc etc. After graduation a big group of my graduating class all went to ACC, Steve was one of the many who did. While we were at ACC Steve and I began hanging out even more then we had in high school, and started becoming pretty good friends...then in February of 2002 he was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. I still remember my mom walking into my bedroom early in the morning and telling me with a "blank, matter of fact voice" that Steve had been killed. I was numb and could only think about my friend Laura, whom he had dated for years, my friends Katy and Molly who were very close to him, and his family. I just got into my car and drove to Molly's to sit there with her and Katy and watch them cry, I still was numb. It wasn't until the funeral that I showed emotion....his father came up to me and said "oh there is Steve's bride." and that was it for me, the tears just started coming. Later his sister gave the eulogy and I wanted to run out of the funeral home because I was scared that I was going to fall apart in such a pathetic way and not be able to control myself...a good friend of mine from ACC, just held me up and held me in place...afterwards the tears didn't stop for a few days. I still think of Steve, often. Spending 14 years with someone in elementary, middle, high school and college means a lot. And for me it came at an extra difficult time, because my grandfather had just been diagnosed with cancer a few days earlier, and I was a mess.

Papa - Oh boy. My grandfather was my healthy dad...all the things my dad's illness kept him from doing with me, my Papa did. Him and my grandmother's house was a mile from mine, I had my own room their, and we were all so unbelievably close I cannot put it into words. He played such an important role in my life up until the day he died that it really is impossible to explain. Again in February 2002 he was diagnosed with cancer at 74 years old. I felt like my world was going to end without him in it...I really felt like I would just cease to exist if he wasn't in my life. I couldn't focus on anything, I was inconsolable, and just wanted to spend every second I could with my Papa. 3 weeks after his diagnosis the family all got word that it wasn't going last much longer, his kidneys were shutting down, and that he would probably die within a day or so. He and my grandmother were both staying at my Aunt Donna's house who lived in Glens Falls ever since his diagnosis, and that's where I was 90% of the time while he was there. On a Thursday I showed up and I could tell immediately that things were almost over....and almost everyone was there. All 6 of his children, 3 of his grandchildren, a few son and daughter in laws, his wife and me (whom I can't even call a grandchild, I felt like his own, and he treated me the same.) Since I was born the two of us were soul mates, I hate risking using that word and having people get an obscure idea of the meaning...I just mean that we had a remarkable bond that never needed words, we each meant the world to one another. At 4:45 PM that Thursday my cousin Alli and my uncle Rob started singing Amazing Grace while Rob played his guitar. I was lying on the bed to the right of him, and my grandmother was sitting on his left. I was holding his hand and rubbing his head doing my best not to fall apart. At 5:00 PM his eyes opened and he looked out the window to see the sun just starting to lower, closed his eyes and was gone. It was the most beautiful and terrible thing I have ever seen, but I thank god every day that I was there to be a part of it. He died peacefully and gracefully, without pain. The tears came quickly after he was gone and I ran into Donna's basement because I could not be around anyone....I find it hard to be around people in a situation like that who are also upset....I couldn't comfort and I knew no one could comfort me, so being alone just made sense. The funeral ended up being on my grandparents wedding anniversary. I spoke. My ex boyfriend was there for me from beginning to end. I remember very little. I know I had written him a letter that my uncle read to him very soon before he slipped into unconsciousness, and I know he knew what he meant to me, for that I am eternally grateful. I ended up getting his initials tattooed on my back soon after, with a moon and stars, because he used to carry me outside on warm nights so we could look up at the sky, it was our thing, so it seemed appropriate. I wish he could have known Brian...I wish he could have enjoyed old age, retirement, etc. But he lived a good life, filled with love. He was the most honest, hardworking, kind, caring, gentle man I have ever known and he will forever me in my heart and mind, and I thank god that part of me comes from him. (Life Forest Gump says, "and that's all I have to say about that."

Now comes Ellis and I'm going to end up being very matter of fact with this one. He died only 2 years ago and I still haven't gotten to a place where I can smile when I think of him...sometimes, but not always. I still feel anger that he died at 29 years old, I still miss him so much it still hurts, I still feel like a chunk of my heart will forever be hollow, and it's just still too raw. Ellis and I met when I was 15. When I was 16 we went out on a few dates, but there was an age difference, as well as a geographical difference so it didn't really work out...but we really liked each other so it continues to be an off and on thing for almost two years. When it finally ended he moved to Long Island for work and I began dating Matt, then Jim. He remained single and a work aholic. We still spoke on the phone and e-mailed almost every day and decided that it just turned out that we were meant to be best friends instead of romantically involved. I was on a date with a friend Bill who took me to NYC to see a Broadway show - great date, right? Well when we were walking up the stairs into the Empire State Building my phone rang, it was Ellis. He told me he was diagnosed with cancer that day - I collapsed -Then I told him I would be at his apartment as soon as I could get there...it was already 11 PM. Bill was such an amazing guy, he drove me to LI and I ended up spending the next two days with Ellis, his mom and two sisters, trying to get a handle on the news we had all just discovered. Two nights we layed in his bed, crying, holding each other, terrified and uncertain. Months went by and he had good news, then bad news, chemo after chemo....years went by - I married Jim, had Brian - he was still doing chemo and radiation. All along we were still talking, but never spending the kind of time together as we should have been. In May of 2007 his sister called me and told me that he was in the hospital, and that they had decided to stop treatment...it was no longer helping but causing him more pain then he should have been in, and the cancer had become terminal. I went to the hospital that night, and was shocked at the sight of him - it had only been 6 months since the last time we saw each other but he looked terribly thin, so sick, sunken in, he didn't look like my best friend, I was petrified and questioned whether or not I would have the strength to be there for him through this. The next day I forced myself to go again. His sister and mom left the room when I got there to take a little break and within 2 minutes Ellis motioned for me to come sit next to him on his bed. I cried, he cried, I told him I was so sorry, he told me not to be so scared, we held hands, his appearance all of a sudden once again was of my best friend - not of a terminal cancer patient...that's all I could see, Ellis. He asked me if I would mind lying next to him, and of course I didn't so I hopped right in that hospital bed and spooned him and hard as I could without hurting him, and that's pretty much were I was from then on whenever we were together...which was usually every day for at least 6-8-12 hours....even after he was sent home to his brothers house to die. I couldn't be home, the only place I felt at all comforted was next to him, holding his hand, having him trying to comfort me while I was trying to comfort him. This went on until July and on the 14th he died. I didn't know how to deal with this one. In those months I had fallen back in love with him, I had started feeling like I had when I was 16...I was married and in love with my husband, but all I could think about was the what ifs between me and Ellis. I didn't know if I would ever come back from that grief...and I still haven't 100% but it's better, and that's all I'm going to sum that up with.

The point of me talking about this stuff is to let you all know a little bit more about me, and to acknowledge how hard things like this are. Before Ellis died I was fucking around with pills - thank god he had no idea - but afterwards Opiates were the only thing that would ease the pain at all...numb it to a bearable level. I used him as a reason to get worse, and worse I got. It helps me to talk about stuff like this. I know everyone has lost someone or something that they have grieved over...it's different for us all, but with many commonalities. I could have written pages and pages about each experience I had with those three men's deaths, but sometimes it's better to keep stuff like that short, at least for me. Thanks for reading, and I promise to try and think of something more uplifting for my next blog :O)