random stuff

There isn't much to write about. About as exciting as my day got was when I took Brian outside to play with a couple kids who's grandfather lives next door, sweet huh? I've decided to officially start the job hunt again...if I can't find anything then I'll have the Barking Spider to fall back on, but if I can find anything I'll take it. Also, a couple guys I know pretty well just bought a motel with a bar inside, and they'll need help when it opens, so that another option - who knows? Understandably I just need a job desperately, and not JUST for the $, but for my sanity, just to get out of the house, around adults, and to do something that makes me feel more productive then just what I do here. I'll let you know how that goes for me :O)

So random - I was sitting here last night trying to think of old old old friends or just random people I used to know, either from when I was a kid or people I only met for a short time. I typed in this kid's name that I hadn't seen since 4th grade, he was my very first crush, lol. I actually found him and sent him a quick message along with a friend request, he accepted, and who knows if we'll ever talk but it's still so neat and just so funny to me. I love that about facebook, that you can pretty much count on most people having an account - especially in my age group, so it's not too hard to actually find someone. Now I'm racking my brain trying to remember other people, it keeps me busy and entertained so at least there's that.

I really don't have shit to write. So instead of trying to come up with little odds and ends of information, I'll just write when I actually have something worth reading, ok? I'll be writing soon I'm sure.

Hmmm;

Hey everyone. This is some snow storm, huh? I was happy to get some, but this is a bit much and I’m really hoping that it stops soon. It was better whether then it has been in a few days so Jim was finally able to pick Brian up for the afternoon, I think he was going to take him to Glens Falls and bring him to his first movie in a theatre…it sucks and it’s such a stereo-type, but Jim really does come off looking like the fun, awesome, exciting parent, he gets to do all the fun stuff, without any real responsibility. If I had the damn job I was supposed to already have started I’d have money and be able to do fun stuff too, oh well.
My mom went to the doctor today because she’s in a terrible amount of pain. Her stomach needs to be drained again but not until March 8th, so in the mean time it’s got to be very uncomfortable and painful - so I feel bad for her. As far as her mental state and energy level goes she has improved a great deal - but the fact that it’s been as long as it has been without a drink without much physical improvement worries me a great deal. She’s on med’s to lower her ammonia level which helps the coherency, but if she stopped it would go right back to how it was when she first got home. She’s also on a lot of diuretics to lower the amount of fluid, so I can’t imagine what her stomach would be like without those. So it’s just scary to think that it’s looking like her liver isn’t recovering like we were hoping it would. We’ve been arguing a lot lately, which I feel bad about also. I’m just always in this house, she’s obviously always here too, and we’re just spending way to much time together and getting on each others nerves. Who knows, my home life is quite a lifetime movie right now without the hot neighbor who’s trying to seduce me, lol.
I need to snap out of this mood I’ve been in since I found out about Jim and this mystery girl. I’m sad all the time it seems, edgy, depressed, and always wondering where he is and what he’s doing - it sure as hell isn’t healthy or conducive to my life. It’s just so hard. When you first get out of a hard relationship you feel a sense of relief…there is no fighting or arguing or stepping on eggshells. But after a little while you start to just glamorize the good and forget about that bad. I look at these pictures of us and convince myself that we had such a better relationship then we did - but when you think about it you only really take pictures when you’re happy or doing something fun or important, so that’s why it looks that way. I wish I had a picture of us fighting to stare at, or a video of one of our many arguments, that would help. I’m just really missing him so much, and it’s much worse knowing that there is another girl in the picture because it makes it seem all the more final. We’ve broken up and separated a few times, but always worked things out and tried again…so part of me expected that this time - but if he is dating someone I don’t know if that would ever be something I could get past, ugh. None the less I have to find a way to snap myself out of this mood and stop dwelling on all the negative shit, and start remembering again how much worse this could all be.
In the “recovery world” they tell you when things get hard and you get depressed and fall into a “funk” that you should make a gratitude list; so maybe that’ll help. I’ll try and think of 10 things to be grateful for….

#1 I’m eternally grateful that my son is ok and isn’t being affected by my poor actions anymore and hopefully never will be again.
#2 I’m grateful to not have to worry about being sick anymore, about needing something to function or get through the day.
#3 I’m grateful that I’m not sitting in a jail or prison cell. I could have gotten arrested countless times other then the once that I did, for bigger charges then I had, so I am grateful that I didn’t end up going away for a much much longer time then I previously spent in County Jail.
#4 I’m grateful that I’m in a position to be helping my parents and not hurting or taking away from them.
#5 I’m grateful that I don’t live the way I used to, I was always scared or sick or guilty or full of shame. Although I still experience fear and guilt it’s at a much lesser level then it once was.
#6 I’m grateful that my son loves me as much as he does, and is once again secure in the fact that I’m not going anywhere again.
#7 I’m grateful for all the kindness and support I’ve received from my family and friends, I didn’t expect it but I appreciate it more then I can explain.
#8 I’m grateful to not have long term physical damage due to my use - IE: disease or serious liver damage. I can’t believe I never overdosed or hurt myself or anyone else physically - it’s a miracle that I’m even alive. The statistics say that heroin addicts who have been using for 5+ years have a 60% chance of dying in an overdose.
#9 I’m grateful for my outpatient program, I’ve developed such important bonds with many of my counselors and fellow clients.
#10 I’m grateful to have made it 9 months on March 6th 2010 :O)

Well I can’t say that helped immensely, but it does remind me and give me a slap in the face because it could be so much worse then it is. I should honestly be ashamed to have such a shitty outlook and attitude at times. When I first got to rehab from SCJ I was grateful for EVERYTHING - to have a bed, a shower, a razor, to be around people who didn’t just scream my last name and carry batons, to be treated like a human and not a animal, to know that Brian was ok and being well taken care of by Jim and Greg and my parents, for food, everything. That attitude carried me through many months and the fear of screwing up kept me convinced I never would. They say that after awhile an addict glamorizes their drug like I explained glamorizing my relationship - humans have a great capacity to forget pain. And that when you are thinking about the time you spent in active addiction it’s so important to “play the whole tape through, from beginning to end.” It will remind you how bad it really got - if there weren’t positive aspects of using drugs - no one ever would…and it became something that simply made me feel so much better emotionally. But I can’t think about the few good things about it, I need to think of all the terrible things that using did for me. So I am going to make a real attempt at trying daily to be more grateful and remember exactly what it felt like…on the infamous day of June 6th 2009 (the day I was arrested.) I’m going to get going, I need to take a shower and try to get something accomplished during the little Brian free time I have :O) I’ll write soon, thanks again for reading. Love to you.

The Steps...

Yesterday a counselor said something to me that got me thinking. He asked me why I don't value myself enough to care more about taking care of myself and what I need to be happy. So he wants me to write affirmations on sticky notes and put them around the house - like "You are a good person...you are worthy...blah blah - to cheesy for my taste." But I will admit that I need to start working harder again on basic things that might indeed make me feel better as a whole, like the steps.

Step 1 : We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanagable.
That one was pretty easy for me to work through. I knew I was fucked up for most of my active addiction, there wasn't ever much denial going on in my head about that. I did do a pretty good job of convincing myself that I was a better mother and wife under the influence, but even so I knew I was not in contol anymore and that things were pretty unmanagable. If I had had any denial, laying on a cement floor in jail, detoxing so terribly I thought I was going to die, and more scared then I had ever been in my life because of how hard I knew this was and was going to be on Brian, more guilty and full of shame then I knew possible - was enough to have jolted me out of any so called denial anyhow... So by the time I got to rehab and started working the steps I had a pretty good handle on this one.

Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater then ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This one wasn't so hard either. Technically it was written using the assumption that the power greater then us would be god, or a higher power...but it can really be anything. For me it was easier to say that it was my counselors, support network, people in meetings, family, etc - that I put faith into and hope in that they knew better and could help me. So again this step didn't get me too hung up.

Step 3 : Became willing to turn our lives and our will over to God as we understood him.
This one was and is much harder for me. For some reason I can't turn my will over. My will is what has gotten me to the place I'm in, trying to do things my way, the way I thought best. Wouldn't it be great to just let go and turn it over to God and allow Him to worry about it and hold it in his hands? If it sounds so appealing I wonder why I can't seem to do it. This step is holding me up so much, and I know for a fact if I could move past it things would start getting easier for me...I would begin to find peace and serenity in my life, I would stop hating myself so much, and I would be able to have faith that things were the way they are supposed to be.

The only other step that I'm terrified of is Step 9 : It's the famous "make an ammends" step. I don't know why it scares me so much. I've been told it's because I have yet to forgive myself, so I don't think it possible that anyone else would be able to forgive me either. Also I think that the one person I was counting on to forgive me the most was Jim, and he wasn't able to, so I think if he couldn't who could? And for awhile I thought he had moved past our past, but when I discovered that wasn't the case it through me backwards a little. Thank God Brian is doing better, and secure in the fact that I'm not going anywhere again, and our relationship is thriving - so I take that as forgiveness, as much as a 4 year old can give. I've just hurt a lot of people. I also think words are cheap, and until I feel like I'm truly doing better and am where I should be, I think I should just wait to do this. I want to show people I've changed, not just say sorry and call it good.

Regardless I know I have to start working harder. In a few days I will have 9, NINE months clean...I just feel like I should be further along here. I feel like I should be feeling better, and not just a little but soooo much better. I feel like I should have a handle on my insecurities and emotions. But I am reminded often that the goal here is to have a - Nice, slow, and long recovery - it won't happen on my terms, and in my time. Being all about instant gratification is part of the reason I got into this mess, I need to break the habit. Maybe I'm not supposed to feel ok yet, maybe I'm right where I should be at this point...goes right back to that damn step 3 I can't get past.

Well I'm going to bed. Jim has tomorrow off and is taking Brian for the day, so who knows what I'll do - I'm assuming there will be a long post here at least. It's terrible, but as much as I say I need a Brian break sometimes, after a few hours I just can't wait for him to get home. Thank GOD for him. I still haven't gotten anywhere with the Jim situation either - as far as knowing anymore or coming to any realization that it's ok for him to move on - or ending the self pity/immature thinking that if I know everything it would somehow make me feel better, when the opposite is most likely the truth. I just hate seeing him, it just hurts too much. Alright good night all - enjoy your sleep as I hope to do mine.

This blog may have been the best idea I've ever had...

I still can't help but be stunned by the response I'm getting - when I expect judgement and disgust from my story/life/past ... I end up receiving support and open mindedness. It really is amazing! Again I thank you all who have written, read, commented, and gotten in touch with me after years and years, after reading my blog...and not pretending like we never knew eachother once you found out what the last 4 years have been for me. Almost every day I find such inspiration and support from people I would never imagine even taking the time to read this, much less writing and telling me how strong I am. So for that I truly thank you all - it's really giving me hope that I won't be forever labled a nasty junkie and instead be considered someone who conquered something difficult and came out stronger and better in the end. Right now hope is sometimes all I have to hold on to, so it really means the world, I can't express it enough, but I won't go on and on so simply enough THANK YOU!

I posted on facebook today, but incase you didn't read it - "God actually threw me a little bone for once - Jim was supposed to take Bri to LI tomorrow, which I was all nervous about (just cause he's always with me at night, and the drive, etc) and we're finally getting a snow storm...see he likes me sometimes, god that is." So that sums up that situation, but yeah I'm relieved that I dno't have to miss and worry about Brian for the next three days. And it's not at all because I'm not comfortable when he's with Jim, it's just him being so far away, homesick, or scared that had me so concerned....and I just hate him potentially being on the road for 5 hours without me with him (like I could stop something from happening if I was with him) but I guess as a mother I would jsut rather be there is there ever was a car accident or something, obviously. Sometimes I know I worry to much, but he's been through so much in his life already that I just want to spare him any further fear or saddness or worry or having to miss me that I can. I feel bad for him though, at 4 - I think part of him know's how much he really is my "everything" and I know that's too much pressure for a kid...he worries about me awfully, if I'm upset or tired, he's so protective. Hopefully that'll let up a little when he starts school, and when we're not together 24/7 and when I get something more in my life but him to enjoy and get happiness from. I just don't want him to feel like he's responsible for me being happy or sad, that's a big fear right now because I am so back and forth these days....sometimes I'm so happy and hopeful, and then there will be days like the last few that I'm just so sad and lonely...and he's too smart for my own good, he know's me better then I know me sometimes, and he picks up on it all.

I'm tired, and I hopefully will be going to OP tomorrow again, but with the snow I might not make it. But either way I'm gonna try and get some sleep now while I think I can. I hate nights though, I won't go to bed until I'm positive that I'll pass right out, because I HATE lying there locked in my own head - wondering what Jim's doing, guilty, thinking about the past, scared of the future...it's just a scary place to be - in my head I mean. So if I can't sleep I assure you I'll be back to write more :O) Love you - and even if I don't know you, I really mean that...this blog has taught me so much more then I had anticipated and meant so much more then I thought possible. If you read regulary, like I've said before, become a follower so I know who you are, your not allowed ananimity if I'm not, lol.

It wasn't all that bad today...

I only have a few minutes - it's during the day and I have dial up with only one line so I can't be on the internet for long...but just a quick check in. I finally made it back to OP today, and it was really nice - everyone was happy to see me and know that I was alright, and I breathed a sigh of relief to be back around all the people I've actually grown pretty close with....so that's a plus. It's nice to have a few hours a week where I can go somewhere and be as fucked up as I truly am without judgement because most everyone else is just as much a mess as I am. I'm as honest there as I am on here, but face to face with responses and reactions - some good some bad. Today I got kicked in the ass by a few people for not going to more meetings, and letting this Jim thing fuck me up so much, which is a nice reality wake up call sometimes when I need it the most. I still am on the investigation though to try and find out who this mystery chick is...but it remains a cold case as of now. I'll be sure to write more later, and I'll write a good blog, one that's not all swearing and bitching about my husband to be EX. Love to you all.

In theory this would be the perfect time for me to write...

You'd think with all the crazy shit that's bouncing around in my head it would be the perfect time for me to dump it all out in here...but for some reason it's the last thing I want to do. Jim took Brian for a couple more hours tonight, and when he picked him up and dropped him off I couldn't even look at him I was so scared to fall apart. I've been getting used to living day to day without him being a part of my life, I really have...but this is a whole new issue to face - that I am not proud to admit I am not feeling able to face. Every second that he's not at work or with Brian I'm wondering if he's with her (I don't even know who her is, or what the situation is) and I keep realizing more and more every second how final this makes everything, as if it wasn't final before. It's just now I know there is no turning back, and that's what scares me the most. I've always known no matter how big our problems were that I could show up and kiss him and he wouldn't slam the door in my face...now I know he would. AH I know I sound so stupid, and that's another reason I don't even want to write, because I must sound so pathetic to anyone out there who isn't me. I just feel that after 8 years he's mine...it's been "our mistakes, future, family, love, hate, mess, life...OURS not his and anyone elses." I just don't know how to get over this....hell I just got asked out on a date, by a nice guy...and I can't fathom it - I haven't been on a date with anyone but Jim in 8 ish years. Even when we were separated before my arrest and I was with Westie all the time, it wasn't about love or romance or dating - it was about two people who were friends, who cared about each other, who were so fucked up that we were the only two people we thought could understand...Jim had walked away the night I got home from detox, I was destroyed, really trying to stay clean...but failed after only a couple weeks...I didn't know where to turn, so I turned to Westie. With Jim though, it isn't about being a mess, emotions taking over, him dealing with my walking out on him, him trying to validate a terrible lifestyle...he's in one of the best positions I've ever seen him in...his own place, vehicle, year round full time job, money in his pocket, clean, seemingly happy - and with all the shit we've been through, am I there to enjoy it? Am I there with him trying to rebuild our lives? Is he standing by me while I try to pick myself up once and for all and be the person I know I should be? No, in the first time in years that I feel we should be together, should be giving it our all, might not actually be 100% toxic for one another, he's sharing it with someone else.
I KNOW I CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEELINGS.
I KNOW I CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST.
I KNOW I CAN'T MAKE HIM WANT ME BAD ENOUGH TO FIGHT FOR US.
I KNOW IT'S LIKELY BEST FOR US BOTH TO MOVE ON.
I KNOW IN MY HEAD WE SHOULD.
I KNOW THAT PART OF ME WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND MISS HIM, AND I'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.
I KNOW WE CAN'T UNDO ALL THE MISTAKES AND HURT.
I KNOW I HAVE TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE.... it just doesn't make it any better knowing.

Thank god I'm getting back to Conifer tomorrow, I know that too. I've missed over 2 weeks because of mom being sick and all the shit that's been going on, and I'm going back tomorrow...just in time...it might save me from 100% loosing the last bit of sanity I have left. I don't feel like using right now, but I can see myself really falling back into old habits (IE: feeling sorry for myself, hating life, loosing any peace I had, immature wishing things were different, etc etc etc.) And old habits can lead to worse things, so I'm just glad to be going back...and everything happens for a reason, and I'm so relieved that i went on the Suboxone when I did...that buffer sure is proving itself worthy right now.

It's official

Jim admitted it, he's seeing someone. He asked for his hair clippers, and Brian said he spent the whole time while they were at the apartment cleaning his room(must expect to have a long night of fucking, wouldn't want a messy room)...so with all that shit I came right out and asked - according to him it's none of my business but yeah he's seeing someone, awesome just fucking awesome. We've been so fucked up for so long, so why does this hurt so bad?

To move on or not to move on...?! Plus an attempt at an uplifting post!

Ok well the title to my post is stupid, I know the answer to that question, I know I have to move on...I get it. Does that mean that knowing that makes it any easier? Let me tell you the answer to that question is - NO. Jim just picked Brian up to hang out for an hour or two...they are taking a quick trip to McDonald's after Jim runs to his apartment to change, then supposedly Jim has to run to Lake Placid to pick something up for his boss at Gore (totally possible but in my mind very unlikely.) Why would he need to go change if he was just riding to Placid by himself for a quick work related errand? I still feel like I'm playing Matlock when it comes to deciphering what Jim says, and what little information I get from or about him, which I have no right to be doing ; technically that is. Sometimes I'm totally at peace with our separation, and other times it still rips me apart, mostly when I think about him being with someone else - which I assume is a normal reaction, right? He promised me up and down that he would tell me when something like that happened, out of respect and courtesy, but I still don't believe that he will. I don't know, I don't want to make this entire post about my issues regarding Jim...blah even I'm sick of hearing myself talk, write or think about it, I don't want to put you all through the same misery. So let me think of something else to write about shall I? I received quite a few comments, both on my blog, facebook and face to face, about my "Grief and Loss" post...a lot of people we saddened by the things I wrote; for many different reasons. With Steve it's because so many of my friends feel the same as I do about his death, and the loss we all shared due to it. With my grandfather, I think my closest friends just honestly still feel a great amount of empathy towards me when it comes to that, and many can relate because of their own losses (by the way today is the anniversary of his death.) And with Ellis, many of my friends knew him, more of my friends saw what his death did to me first hand and did all they could to help get me through it, and other's put themselves in my shoes and wonder what they would do if that type of situation happened to them...either way that post did hit a nerve with quite a few people...so I promised my best friend Katy, that I would attempt to write something a little more uplifting for my next post...so I'm going to try and do that.

Wow you don't really realize how melancholy and drab you are until you attempt to write something uplifting and you can't think of anything...damn. Ok so how 'bout some funny/nice/heartwarming stories, eh?

Story #1 - I've always been obsessed with Broadway, I love it love it love it. When I was 17 I became even more obsessed with the musical Rent and wanted to go see it in NYC more then anything in the world. The guy that I was dating at the time, Matt, had never been to NYC and wanted nothing to do with going to see a musical for sure. The day before my 18th birthday I drove out to visit him at his family's house for a BBQ that was supposed to be for my birthday/his going away party...he was leaving to spend a semester abroad in Denmark later in the month, of course I was heartbroken. When I got to his house his mom and I started planning this BBQ when he called me up to his room. He said he couldn't wait any longer to give me my present, so I was going to get it a day early. He handed me this card - I of course was thinking "where's the big package, huh, lol" I opened the card and a piece of paper fell out along with two train tickets. On the paper was a picture of the advertisement for RENT, and the tickets were to NYC! I was ecstatic, and I got to spend my 18th birthday in NYC with a guy I was totally in love with, watching the show I had been dying to see. After note : he slept through the entire show, but I barely noticed, and sang along to every word of the play.

Story #2 - One night while Jim and I were together, engaged I think but no Brian yet...Katy called me and asked if I wanted to hang out with her, Molly and our friend Laura. She said we were going to go to Glens Falls and see a movie or something. I called Jim at work and told him I was going out, but would probably be home around 8 or 9 PM...ha. When Laura drove up with a car full of my crazy friends I was informed that we were no longer going to Glens Falls but to MONTREAL...just for a few hours they assured me. I was a nervous wreck but went in spite of it. We went, we drank a little, we gambled a little...and on the way home I called Jim to tell him we would be a little late - then informed him that we were crossing the Canadian border : he was pissed - asked why I freak out if he wants to go down the road to the bar with his friends, but I can just leave the country without telling him, lol.

Story #3 - This will be my last story, but it involves most of my dearest friends so here we go. It is the legendary story of my sophomore prom...our school is so small 9th-12th are invited to prom. I went with a good friend of mine Dan, but I was crushing on and semi-dating this guy Ray. Ray went with Julie who was dating this guy Nick. Katy went with Nick (they were dating when the prom thing was arranged but were now broken up and each had knew SO's, but still went together.) Katy was also now dating Nick's best friend Ryan, who didn't go to prom, but showed up before the after prom party to steal Katy away. Oh and I didn't mention that my date Dan was crushing hard-core on my friend Jen, but she went with this kid Chris...are you following? We also all shared a table together, it was a riot. After the bowling thing we all did for the after prom party, we all loaded in two cars to head home. I rode with Dan in his big Bronco...which was loaded up...then Ray drove in this tiny little car - I forgot what kind, but it looked like a clown car - which was also filled. About 15 minutes before we made it back to our town, Ray trying to be a smart ass passed Dan on a double yellow line at 5 AM...all of a sudden all of us in Dan's car realized that Ray's exhaust was hanging on the road, and sparking all over the place - so we started beeping and honking to get him to pull over. We all get over on the side of the road, Ray gets out of his car and starts laughing and pointing to Dan's Bronco, which now had a flat tire because a piece of Ray's exhaust broke off and punctured the front tire of his truck. So now here we are, all in prom-wear, 5 AM, on the side of the road, trying to tie up Ray's HOT exhaust so we at least had one functioning vehicle. Then we ALL piled into this clown car, all on top of each other and drove home. After we dropped everyone off, I was the last in the car, and acting like the 15 year old I was all nervous to be alone with Ray, lol. The whole situation worked out great for me because my parents were planning on going to Niagara Falls as soon as I got home from the prom, and they even scooted out early so Ray could come over and watch a movie with me....my parents trusted me so much at that age, I was a goodie good girl, prude as can be, and honest as hell...so they didn't think twice about allowing me to have a boy over without supervision. So all and all it was a great night, I had a blast, our dysfunctional group all survived some awkward moments, and it turned into a good story.

So that's it for my attempt at being funny or light instead of being sad and heavy all the time in this blog...hope you all at least chuckled...I'm sure anyone who read this who was involved in any of these stories at least enjoyed it. I'll write more later probably, but I can't promise that it won't be my normal, life sucks attitude, lol. Have a great evening!

Am I really that open and honest????

I won't mention names, but a certain "old acquaintance/boyfriend/friend" of mine just started using facebook and added me as a friend. On facebook I have shit posted all over my page about my blog, from me mentioning it, to my friends commenting on it - it's a pretty noticeable link on my facebook page to say the least. Well this person who will remain name-less, lol, has NO idea of what my life had become, he would have freaked out if he knew I smoked cigarettes, I can't imagine if he knew I was a former junkie with a record...he'd be purely disgusted for sure. I've also tried on and off in these last years to get ahold of him, and possibly hang out....and if he ever had taken me up on the offer in recent months I would have liked the chance to tell him about the last 5 years in my own way, not in such a public way like this blog. See everyone for the most part that reads this at least knew some amount of what had been happening before checking out my "open to everyone blog" so although somethings may be a shock for them, they at least had known the basics before finding out more. It scares me that he will come across my facebook page, click on this link and all of a sudden read all about who I had become since we knew each other all at once...I don't know why it bothers me so much to imagine him reading about things that I've chosen to be open to everyone else about - I guess it's just because when he knew me, I was much more the person I truly am then, then I have been in years, and I guess I just would rather he thought of me (if he ever thinks of me) like that instead of what the reality is. It had made me question whether I really am strong enough to share it all, be 100% honest, and open as I've vowed to be...it's all or nothing here - I either chose to be honest with every and anyone or no-one...that's how I'm looking at it anyhow. I don't know, I guess there are just a few certain people that I would like to keep the imagine of me as it was - innocent, preppy, sweet, honest, etc - instead of picture me in the way that I was less then a year ago. Like I said in my last post, although I was using before Ellis died, I am so grateful that he never knew - it would have killed me to have given him a reason to change how he thought of me...I liked how he thought of me....and I would have hated to disappoint him and give him reasons to doubt everything he ever thought was true about me....if this is making any sense? I guess I just am not ready to give up completely on that image, that idea, that viewpoint, that some people had of me in the past...and it scares me to think of what they would think and feel if they knew - it all.

Grief and loss...an uplifting post - it's not.

Hey everyone, long time no blog...did you all miss me :O)? I've decided if there isn't much interesting news to report on from my daily life that each blog I'm going to just randomly choose a topic and go from there...we'll see how it works. But before I get going on tonight's topic I do have to give a quick update on mom. She's doing a lot better, mentally, physically, all together! She's not even close to 100%, but she's able to get around much better and is almost where she was a few months ago mind-wise, all good news. Her stomach is still filling with fluid, but we'll see how that progresses. She got blood work done yesterday so I'm sure we will know the results on Monday, and I will let you all know what the news is there.

Ok so Grief and Loss - what a sad subject to bring up, but a subject of such importance for so many people, especially for myself. I've lost 3 VERY important people in my life, and many others that were important but not life altering, if that makes any sense. I think it's hardest to loose people who's absence will change your daily life, and it's easier to loose people who didn't play such an active role in your life. You can grieve things other then death of course too. I've grieved relationships, platonic and romantic...I am currently grieving a family/marriage/husband/a life I thought I was going to have. It sounds crazy but at times I also find myself grieving the loss of my crutch, at times my best friend, at other times my worst enemy, opiates. I grieve people who used to be in my life and who are no longer a part of my world....the list goes on and on. I believe I've dealt with grief as well as anyone could possibly do so. First I'm going to briefly tell you about my 3 biggest losses thus far in my life, all of which happened between the ages of 18 and 24.

In order of occurrence - first was Stephen Cook. He and I had been in the same class since kindergarten, even married one another in a school play, we were the cutest couple in the world at 5 years old :O) In a small school whether you are best friends or mortal enemies with a classmate they all sort of become like siblings to you...we spent so much time together, we knew almost all there was to know about each other, etc etc etc. After graduation a big group of my graduating class all went to ACC, Steve was one of the many who did. While we were at ACC Steve and I began hanging out even more then we had in high school, and started becoming pretty good friends...then in February of 2002 he was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver. I still remember my mom walking into my bedroom early in the morning and telling me with a "blank, matter of fact voice" that Steve had been killed. I was numb and could only think about my friend Laura, whom he had dated for years, my friends Katy and Molly who were very close to him, and his family. I just got into my car and drove to Molly's to sit there with her and Katy and watch them cry, I still was numb. It wasn't until the funeral that I showed emotion....his father came up to me and said "oh there is Steve's bride." and that was it for me, the tears just started coming. Later his sister gave the eulogy and I wanted to run out of the funeral home because I was scared that I was going to fall apart in such a pathetic way and not be able to control myself...a good friend of mine from ACC, just held me up and held me in place...afterwards the tears didn't stop for a few days. I still think of Steve, often. Spending 14 years with someone in elementary, middle, high school and college means a lot. And for me it came at an extra difficult time, because my grandfather had just been diagnosed with cancer a few days earlier, and I was a mess.

Papa - Oh boy. My grandfather was my healthy dad...all the things my dad's illness kept him from doing with me, my Papa did. Him and my grandmother's house was a mile from mine, I had my own room their, and we were all so unbelievably close I cannot put it into words. He played such an important role in my life up until the day he died that it really is impossible to explain. Again in February 2002 he was diagnosed with cancer at 74 years old. I felt like my world was going to end without him in it...I really felt like I would just cease to exist if he wasn't in my life. I couldn't focus on anything, I was inconsolable, and just wanted to spend every second I could with my Papa. 3 weeks after his diagnosis the family all got word that it wasn't going last much longer, his kidneys were shutting down, and that he would probably die within a day or so. He and my grandmother were both staying at my Aunt Donna's house who lived in Glens Falls ever since his diagnosis, and that's where I was 90% of the time while he was there. On a Thursday I showed up and I could tell immediately that things were almost over....and almost everyone was there. All 6 of his children, 3 of his grandchildren, a few son and daughter in laws, his wife and me (whom I can't even call a grandchild, I felt like his own, and he treated me the same.) Since I was born the two of us were soul mates, I hate risking using that word and having people get an obscure idea of the meaning...I just mean that we had a remarkable bond that never needed words, we each meant the world to one another. At 4:45 PM that Thursday my cousin Alli and my uncle Rob started singing Amazing Grace while Rob played his guitar. I was lying on the bed to the right of him, and my grandmother was sitting on his left. I was holding his hand and rubbing his head doing my best not to fall apart. At 5:00 PM his eyes opened and he looked out the window to see the sun just starting to lower, closed his eyes and was gone. It was the most beautiful and terrible thing I have ever seen, but I thank god every day that I was there to be a part of it. He died peacefully and gracefully, without pain. The tears came quickly after he was gone and I ran into Donna's basement because I could not be around anyone....I find it hard to be around people in a situation like that who are also upset....I couldn't comfort and I knew no one could comfort me, so being alone just made sense. The funeral ended up being on my grandparents wedding anniversary. I spoke. My ex boyfriend was there for me from beginning to end. I remember very little. I know I had written him a letter that my uncle read to him very soon before he slipped into unconsciousness, and I know he knew what he meant to me, for that I am eternally grateful. I ended up getting his initials tattooed on my back soon after, with a moon and stars, because he used to carry me outside on warm nights so we could look up at the sky, it was our thing, so it seemed appropriate. I wish he could have known Brian...I wish he could have enjoyed old age, retirement, etc. But he lived a good life, filled with love. He was the most honest, hardworking, kind, caring, gentle man I have ever known and he will forever me in my heart and mind, and I thank god that part of me comes from him. (Life Forest Gump says, "and that's all I have to say about that."

Now comes Ellis and I'm going to end up being very matter of fact with this one. He died only 2 years ago and I still haven't gotten to a place where I can smile when I think of him...sometimes, but not always. I still feel anger that he died at 29 years old, I still miss him so much it still hurts, I still feel like a chunk of my heart will forever be hollow, and it's just still too raw. Ellis and I met when I was 15. When I was 16 we went out on a few dates, but there was an age difference, as well as a geographical difference so it didn't really work out...but we really liked each other so it continues to be an off and on thing for almost two years. When it finally ended he moved to Long Island for work and I began dating Matt, then Jim. He remained single and a work aholic. We still spoke on the phone and e-mailed almost every day and decided that it just turned out that we were meant to be best friends instead of romantically involved. I was on a date with a friend Bill who took me to NYC to see a Broadway show - great date, right? Well when we were walking up the stairs into the Empire State Building my phone rang, it was Ellis. He told me he was diagnosed with cancer that day - I collapsed -Then I told him I would be at his apartment as soon as I could get there...it was already 11 PM. Bill was such an amazing guy, he drove me to LI and I ended up spending the next two days with Ellis, his mom and two sisters, trying to get a handle on the news we had all just discovered. Two nights we layed in his bed, crying, holding each other, terrified and uncertain. Months went by and he had good news, then bad news, chemo after chemo....years went by - I married Jim, had Brian - he was still doing chemo and radiation. All along we were still talking, but never spending the kind of time together as we should have been. In May of 2007 his sister called me and told me that he was in the hospital, and that they had decided to stop treatment...it was no longer helping but causing him more pain then he should have been in, and the cancer had become terminal. I went to the hospital that night, and was shocked at the sight of him - it had only been 6 months since the last time we saw each other but he looked terribly thin, so sick, sunken in, he didn't look like my best friend, I was petrified and questioned whether or not I would have the strength to be there for him through this. The next day I forced myself to go again. His sister and mom left the room when I got there to take a little break and within 2 minutes Ellis motioned for me to come sit next to him on his bed. I cried, he cried, I told him I was so sorry, he told me not to be so scared, we held hands, his appearance all of a sudden once again was of my best friend - not of a terminal cancer patient...that's all I could see, Ellis. He asked me if I would mind lying next to him, and of course I didn't so I hopped right in that hospital bed and spooned him and hard as I could without hurting him, and that's pretty much were I was from then on whenever we were together...which was usually every day for at least 6-8-12 hours....even after he was sent home to his brothers house to die. I couldn't be home, the only place I felt at all comforted was next to him, holding his hand, having him trying to comfort me while I was trying to comfort him. This went on until July and on the 14th he died. I didn't know how to deal with this one. In those months I had fallen back in love with him, I had started feeling like I had when I was 16...I was married and in love with my husband, but all I could think about was the what ifs between me and Ellis. I didn't know if I would ever come back from that grief...and I still haven't 100% but it's better, and that's all I'm going to sum that up with.

The point of me talking about this stuff is to let you all know a little bit more about me, and to acknowledge how hard things like this are. Before Ellis died I was fucking around with pills - thank god he had no idea - but afterwards Opiates were the only thing that would ease the pain at all...numb it to a bearable level. I used him as a reason to get worse, and worse I got. It helps me to talk about stuff like this. I know everyone has lost someone or something that they have grieved over...it's different for us all, but with many commonalities. I could have written pages and pages about each experience I had with those three men's deaths, but sometimes it's better to keep stuff like that short, at least for me. Thanks for reading, and I promise to try and think of something more uplifting for my next blog :O)

I'm not keeping up on this...

Real quick post to let everyone who keeps track of this know that I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or fucked up and am on the streets in Schenectady, or am in such deep depression I just can't bring myself to write, or found the man of my dreams and have been all consumed with butterflies and fireworks, lol. I've just been lazy. After so many sleepless nights I've broken the insomnia spell and have been sleeping and sleeping. Yesterday Jim even took Brian for 6 hours and I ended up sleeping the entire time he was gone - so I think I'm caught up finally :O) At the moment though I cannot take the time to really write, I have a bunch of errands to accomplish but later today I will get my ass back on track and get back to my blogging commitment, lol. Well you all have a wonderful day and I'll be writing again soon.

A few more pictures...

PICTURES!

It's 3:00 AM how interesting could this post really be?

Well it's almost 3:00 AM, I slept really well last night so I guess my body filled it's survival quota and now I'll be up again for days. When I was in high school I used to have a problem with insomnia; then for years it was much better, I would hate to see it reimerse again. I'm sure if I went and layed down and tried to sleep I would be able to after an hour or two of lying there, and for me it just isn't worth it to do that, so here I sit and write...but I really don't know what to write about so this might either be an interesting post, or the most randomly ridiculous one yet, your guess is as good as mine ;o)

Today I took Brian over to Katy's parents house so we could hang out for a little while and get the kids together. When we first got there Brian was hiding from Katy's two year old daughter like she had the plague but after a little while he warmed up as he usually does and they actually ended up playing, it was pretty cute to see my very best friends daughter and my son running around interacting with each other. Although there is a substantial distance between her home and mine, I really hope that our kids can end up being close and in each others lives while they are growing up...and hell Addison (Katy's daughter) is pretty cute, maybe Brian was playing with his future wife today. I asked Katy and her mom to take a few pictures today too, which I uploaded on my facebook and myspace pages as well as on here - at least my profile picture, but I'm not sure if I can add anymore then that. I don't have a digital camera so I've had the same picture of myself as my profile picture for Internet pages for years - I was 19 in that picture and it was taken by a photographer in Saratoga when I was trying out modeling (a story for another blog, but it was fun - just hard to do much since I definitely don't live anywhere near the fashion world) so I am glad to have something more recent of myself out in cyber space, and of course I love to show Brian off any chance I get so that's convenient too. After we left Katy's we went to the store and Brian bought himself a matchbox car - with his very own money, and did he feel like a big boy, it was adorable. Yesterday I decided to start trying to initiate more responsibility in his young life and get some cheap labor out of him, haha. He's pretty good anyways about doing little chores when he's asked but I thought this would be a more productive way to work it. So he was able to earn $2.50 by making our bed, my mom's bed, and helping me vacuum. He also has his own little wallet now and man bag, so he's all set up. He's so sweet too, last night we went to the store because he wanted to get a couple things out of those quarter machines, with the crappy toys in those plastic eggs. He got himself 2 bouncy balls, and then got a ring to give to my mom for Valentines Day...he wanted to get me one too, but I told him it wasn't necessary, but he was tickled to be able to give someone a present that he bought with his own money and picked out by himself. I know I'm a typical mom who goes on and on about their child, it's just that for me I feel like I'm experiencing a whole new world with him and it's pretty exciting. I was present during his first 3+ years, I played a very active role in his life, we were together constantly and always very connected and had a strong bond between us, yet the addiction obviously had an effect on our relationship that I never would have known existed if I hadn't gotten clean. Just being able to spend time with him without having to worry about getting high to keep myself from getting sick, not having him wake me up in the morning and my first thought being of the questions of how I was going to get through the day...many different things. Also although I wasn't ever so fucked up that I blacked out or didn't know what was going on, there was obviously a fog that was always surrounding me, and in turn how I viewed him. It's so hard to try and explain, especially since I don't really understand it myself - it's just different now and I know that's the reason why. Even though I still feel so much guilt on a pretty consistent basis that also is different...it's easier in my mind to feel guilty for something that happened in the past then to feel constant guilt for things that are occurring in the present. None the less my relationship with him has never been better, and I can finally see how fucked up my mind was that I really was able to talk myself into believing that I was a better mom high, and I'm disgusted that I used that as an excuse to myself to continue using without trying harder to get help. Hindsight is 20/20, right?


So there have been some changes with my mom, some good and some not so great. We'll do the good news first - the Lactolose that she's been taking, to lower her toxin levels in her blood from her liver not functioning the way it should be, is working. The amonia levels were so high that her brain was being affected, and for me that was the scariest by far of all the symptoms thus far. She was having a really hard time remembering anything, constantly repeating herself, answering questions that hadn't been asked, etc...living in a pretty thick fog is a good way to explain it. The worst part about it was the she knew how weak she was being mentally, and would try to cover up things she said when she realized that she wasn't making any sense...she was pretty embarrased and definently scared, as were we all. But she's been on the new medicine for 4 days now, and it's made a big difference. She's still not ready to be a contenstant on jeaopardy just yet, but it's 100% better then it was and we are all pretty estatic that it is. The bad news is that between yesterday and today her stomach has become very hard again - meaning that the fluid is building up pretty rapidly, that the diuretics aren't working well enough, and it causes a lot of pain and looks so incredibly uncomfortable. So I am going to call her GI doctor tomorrow and probably end up scheduling another fluid draining procedure - she went last week to have it done but there wasn't enough to really make it worth it to have it done. I'm sure there is this time though - it's one thing when her stomach is just bigger then normal and bloated, but when it's so full that it becomes rock hard we know that something needs to be done. I don't know exactly what kind of time frame we're looking at here before we know for sure if this is going to improve or not, but I just have a pretty strong feeling that from here on out it's going to be about comfort levels and trying to keep things from getting worse, I don't feel like they are going to get much better - but that's just my guess please don't take that diagnosis as anything that was told to me by her doctors...I just don't feel very hopeful about her improving too much, which just sucks, there is just no other way to put it. Speaking of my mom, she's up too right now at the wee hours of the morning as I am...so I think I'm going to sign off and go keep her company. I really hate that it took something like this to bring us closer together, to allow me to finally let go of some of my resentments and prioritize what is really important now and let go of things that happend in the past, and to finally get some sort of healthy relationship built between us with me acting like an adult and her sober. I guess I don't care what it took or takes to build our relationship up from what it was, I just really hope that she's around for a long time to come for us to enjoy this new found mother/daughter relationship.

Goodnight to all, nevermind I should say goodmorning. Tomorrow is going to suck, I'm pretty sure I'll be up still by the time Brian wakes up, it's going to be a long day and I assure you that I won't be much fun for him. I can continue to chose random things to write about...but please if anyone has a specific question, or something about me they would like to know more about, or not even specifically about me but about addiction, growing up with an addict parent, dealing with sick parents, going through a divorce, being a single parent, absolutely anything that you might want to know more about or read about hit me up with a comment! Maybe it would be more interesting for people to read also if these posts weren't always left to my own devices on what they are about - I know for a fact that I can get repetetive and boring, so anything to keep anyone who reads this regulary interested sounds good to me. Again, I so much appreciate all the people who do read this, comment on it, are open to hearing what I have to say, who write me and tell me their opinions and offer support - it still is so amazing to me what this blog has brought up between myself and the people that have read it; pretty cool, pretty cool :O) I'm also going to try and upload those other pictures on here somehow, but I'm not as compter savvy as I thought I once was, so if it doesn't work I won't be surprised, check out the facebook page to see them.

A Valentines Day Post :

Hello everyone. Surprisingly enough, I am not bitter and angry this Valentines day, which I was kinda planning on being. I guess I grew up a little and realized that it's stupid to be anymore upset today then any other day just because of what it says on the calender...I'm not anymore or any less in the situation's I am in today then any other time - so at least I'm not allowing myself to wallow and chill in a self pity pot for the night. It might sound like a small feat to you, but for me it's a huge improvement on how I think, in the past I would have used any excuse I could find to play the victim and try to get people to show compassion for me because "my life was just too horrible, to imagine." Oh god, I can't imagine how anyone who was in my life then can still be in my life now, and why they wouldn't have just walked, I should say ran, away from me like I had the plague...I guess I should just consider myself lucky that more people then not did actually stick around, and care enough about me to hope that I would snap out of it and make changes in how I thought, acted, lived, and was. Anyhow sometimes it really boggles my mind who I am, the good and bad qualities I have, and sometimes I think "damn people are lucky to be my friend, I CAN (not always) be funny, loyal, non-judgemental, intelligent, a good listener who sometimes offers good advice, loving, caring and super cool person..." while other times I think "Wow, I am so fucked up in the head, if I can't figure out how to accept me unconditionally and love me the same way, how could I ever imagine anyone else could?" I'm sure many people question themselves and feel measures of the occasional self doubt. Again I have to remind myself of my new motto "I am not unique" because as I said in that speech I posted back when I first started this blog, it was that idea that I was so different from everyone else, had it so much worse, deserved so much better without making it happen for myself - after all the world owed me as far as I was concerned - that was such a contributing factor in my flaws/defects of character and the bad things that I allowed to happen in my life, thinking of myself as unique was where a lot of it went wrong in my own head. So it is important for me to remind myself of my non-uniqueness (that so isn't a word, is it? LOL) For me thinking I was so unique was more about a false pride, and a big ego that I never knew I had, I've learned that it's more then possible to be proudful and egotistical while still having low self-esteem and confidence along with a poor self image, it sounds like they are polar opposites and would contridict themselves, but in all honesty that what it all boiled down to for me. Phew enough of the psycho blabber, I even sometimes get sick of my constant analysis of myself and everyone else - I really should have done amazing in school and have my PHD as a shrink by now, if only :O)
Anyhow I did go out last night with Miss Molly and Katy, and actually ran into Jess too who is another really old friend of mine. Jess, Katy and I all lived on the same block for a few years while we were all really young and we were all together all the time. If you didn't know though, if your not a girl, or if you are and were just more mature then me and my friends were when you were young - 3 young girls should NEVER hang out together! The 3 of us used to torment one another...two would always bully and gang up on the other, someone was always devistated at our sleepover's or "play dates." I really think most girls are like that, so if you have girls take my advice seriously...always have your daughter hang out with a even number of friends, it sounds rediculous but us women were awful when we were young and for some reason really loved to hate our friends, haha - I'm chuckling because I know for a fact that if any of my childhood friends, especially Katy and Jess end up reading this then they will be laughing and nodding their heads in agreement because it really is our childhood to a T. Anyhow Jess and I haven't been SUPER close for years and years, pretty much since we've been adults, always cordial and always liked seeing each other but never have nearly as much a part of eachothers lives in the present like we were in the past. I'd like to work on that though, I was so genuinly happy to see her last night, and she lives so close that in my opinion we should try to reconnect. Us girls we talking last night about the 4 uf us, and how Molly, Katy and I all started relationships with our future husbands in the same period as one another...Jess married her highschool sweetie so it was different with her, but she married young, as did I and Katy - Molly has taken it slower and it's seemingly paying off as she and her fiancee are happy and soon to be married. Anyhow we were talking statistics, and how the divorce rate is supposably a little more then 50%...and in our group of friends it's proven to be very true. Jess and her husband are seperated and have been for awhile, just aren't legally divorced as of yet - obviously Jim and I are not working things out and will eventually be legally divorced - another childhood friend of our's who I haven't mentioned yet, but her name is Miss Laura S. got married pretty young too (in the weirdest of circumstances imagineable so it's not a surprise) but she's legally divorced...then we have Katy and her husband who are together and happy - and Molly and her fiancee Thom who are happy and on their way to marridal bliss. So with us it is more then 50% of a divorce rate, so we're right along with the national average, yay for us, haha. Boy I can't mention Laura without giving a quick quick briefing of her strange marriage, if you read this Laura, I write with the upmost love and respect, but your story always blew my mind so I have to write about it, lol, I'm just so happy that your with a great guy now and as I've heard are very happy! Anyhow - miss Laura met a Mr. Jay at a gas station. Mr. Jay was from Moracco. They were together so quickly and were moving so fast...in part because he wanted an American Visa, and what an easy way to obtain that, marry and American. Mr. Jay was "nice" I suppose, but in ,y opinion always a little "off," but for a little while Laura seemed happy so we were happy for her but with our reservations, by our I mean our little group of friends. I'm not sure exactly how long they were married but he ended up in prison for dealing massive amounts of random drugs and is being deported - and Laura is now happy in a "normal" relationship, but boy did it blow all of our minds that she met this forienger at a gas station, married him within seconds, then he was in prison, now being deported...how odd. That was a lot of writing to say what I was trying to get at, which was out of the 5 of us 3 are no longer married - I could have easily just written that, huh?

But I did go out and meet up with my 3 old friends. I had a good time, but I was so exhausted from my recent lack of sleep that I bailed early and didn't have nearly as much fun as the situation could have allowed...but none the less it was good to see everyone, and I got out of the house, so all and all it was def. worth it.

My son is lying in the bed behind me right now and I told him he could watch one more show before bedtime - he asked if I would lie down and cuddle him - I said, I'm doing something as soon as your show is over we're going to bed and we'll cuddle there- his answer to that was - ok lets go to bed, I just want to snuggle with you. HOW CUTE IS HE? So I'll write more later, but I have to snuggle with my beautiful baby because that's all he wants, and I am a lucky mom for it. Talk to ya soon.

I only have a second but...

I have to finish making dinner, Brian wants to play a game on the computer, and I have to start getting ready to go out with Katy and Molly tonight...which I am pretty psyched about. I just wanted to write real quick and let everyone know that for the first time in two weeks I have a little bit of good news about Mom. The Lactalose is supposed to work in only 24-48 hours, and today makes 48 hours since her first dose, and it has helped! She definitely isn't 100% as far as her mind goes yet but she is much improved from the last few previous days. She even seems to be getting a little stronger as well, again the improvement isn't massive, and at times it's pretty subtle, but it's improvement none the less and I will take any of it we can get. Of course I will be writing again soon, but hopefully not tonight - I am really crossing my fingers that when I get home I'm able to fall asleep tonight - maybe getting out of the house is what can help with the insomnia, getting a mental break for a few hours. If not though I'll obviously write more tonight, as usual.
A REAL quick comment about a friend of mine though, and fuck anonymity it's Steve-O. He's in Kuwait right now, and was told to check out my blog from Katy. He ended up reading every word of this, which if you've followed at all you know is A LOT to read. He ended up e-mailing me about it today and it meant a lot to hear what he had to say, how non-judgemental he was, how convincing he even was that Jim and I truly are toxic for one another and that I'll be a more successful and happy person once I let go of our relationship once and for all. Steve and I have known each other for quite a few years, and have had a definite love/hate relationship...but like I said it meant so much to hear from him today...he's been in the service for quite a few years, and I've only seen him randomly in all that time when he's home on leave - so there was so much about the last few years of my story that he really was in the dark about...and for him to finally know so much and to not think terribly awful things of me now that he does know, was just really awesome. So Steve thank you, again it really made my day to read your message.
Lastly - I posted a comment on face book last night that I should share here - I talked to Katy earlier about when we were meeting up and everything and she was still laughing after reading it, so it obviously was a little humorous, so here is my attempt at humor for the day : 6 years ago today Jim asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him, and said all he wanted was to be my husband until he was old...well I didn't know he thought 27 was so old, but it wasn't what I had in mind...I just hate Valentines Day - I always have, I hope if Jim has a big special night planned for some new girl, that I don't even know if she exists; he gets the initials for Valentines Day - VD ;o)

Later everyone, I'll be writing soon...don't forget it you read these, click on the link to follow it, and make a comment every once in awhile. I'm sharing everything with you all, so at least let me know what you think from time to time, and who is actually the one's who read my writings...thanks!

My brain hates me and is torturing me with insomnia

Good evening...who am I kidding, there is nothing good about this evening. I'm so sick of not being able to fall asleep I'm on the brink of going crazier then I already am. Once I am asleep I'm good - dead to the world, happy in dream land...it's the damn falling asleep thing that fucks me over all the time, and forces me to function at 7AM with a hyper 4 year old who wakes up and acts like he's ready to run a marathon. I don't even really know what to write about, but I need to occupy myself somehow - and there is nothing on TV, and not much else to do at 2 AM then this...well that's not true, but I already finished my 500 piece puzzle a couple hours ago, haha.


A brief update on mom. My Aunt Sass (Cindy) and I took my mom to the hospital today to get her stomach drained...but unfortunately they couldn't do it. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I guess there are all these different pockets in your stomach where the fluid would fill up, and they only puncture one place and empty what they can from there, so they go for the place with the most fluid. Well although she did have a fair amount of fluid in different pockets, it wasn't enough to really drain, and she wouldn't have felt any relief from it anyhow so they decided not to do it as planned. So yeah I am assuming it's a pretty good sign that she isn't filling up again as much as we had thought, and that potentially her liver is starting to "turn back on" a little bit - but it is still retaining and she is still bloated and uncomfortable, and this doesn't really tell us much of anything, so it's still the damn "wait and see what happens" attitude that we're being forced to have. As soon as we got back from the hospital though one of my mom's nurses was on the phone asking to speak to me...her name is Stephanie and she is the GI specialist's nurse, and is really nice and easy to talk to and ask questions to. But I guess as soon as my mom was out of the day surgical room the doctor who was going to do the procedure ended up calling and leaving a msg for the GI guy about her mental state. He was really concerned because she was not very coherent at all - I guess she kept nodding off and waking up, not knowing where she was or why she was there...asking the same questions over and over. I was actually a little surprised because she seemed to me to be a little more lucid today then yesterday, but not by much for sure. Today was her first full day on this new medication although, and we're really hoping that it fixes this symptom. It's supposed to neutralize the ammonia and help her regain normal brain activity and clarity. I'm so scared though that after the 48 hours is up (which is how long the Lactolose takes to start working) she won't be any better in that area...who knows she might have "wet-brain." I'm not going to get into all that, because it's totally thinking the worst, and guessing on things, and I also said this update would be brief - so again we'll just wait and see, and I'll be sure to let you know tomorrow if she's becoming more coherent and less foggy. The best way to describe how she's acting I would assume would be to compare how she's acting to the way someone with early to mid Alzheimer's would act...and it really is scary - especially for her. It's hard too because it's almost impossible to not get frustrated with her, then she gets upset, and we feel guilty because it's not like she can help it...it's just in my opinion the worst kind of symptom possible. At this point I wouldn't even think to leave her alone in the house for even an hour, and it's just so sad - she's a proud, modest person and I hate to think that those qualities will be forced out of her in the near future. I've flipped out on my father a few times too, because he is so much like my son - well I guess it's better to say my son is so much like him - in the aspect that they show one emotion when things aren't going well:anger. My dad is so scared, and has no clue how to handle this, that he gets miserable, and there have been a couple times where he's started to use me as the whipping post but I put a stop to that real quick, I'm not about to do all that I've been doing, and then have him treat me like shit, nope, no way. And I understand why he's acting this way, I know how he is, as does my mom...it's just frustrating because sometimes he's a bigger part of the problems then the solutions. He's worse then I am for sure though about not knowing how to deal with mom being the sick one, it's been his role for my entire life and he really is at a loss when it comes down to her being the unhealthy one...which is an understatement, it really has to be so strange because as of now he's probably more self sufficient and stable then my mom, which is just such a huge role reversal. Either way I hope he figures this shit out and steps up because my mom needs the support right now, and I am not enough by myself to make her feel at all secure. I know I've said this before in previous posts, but I really cannot imagine what the situation would be if I weren't so pathetic and didn't live here. Seriously, if I was in a happy marriage, living in another town, working a full time job - what would we do? What do people do? Especially considering the fact that I'm an only child, it makes things really rough at times, and the pressure is definently sometimes hard to deal with. Also like I think I've said before though, is I am just really grateful that I'm in a place where I can be of this much use and support, where I am actually helping and not hurting the situation, where I'm elieviating not contributing to all the stress...thank god this didn't all happen a year ago, that's all I can really even say about that. Ok but enough about my parents, and our household...I need to figure out something else to ramble about, because day in and day out it's the same scenario, so I just keep repeating myself and running around in circles.


I am really looking forward to tomorrow. Katy, Molly and I are going out to Laura's for a big night out in the hoppin town of North Creek, lol. Seriously though it is going to be such a relief to be around the two of them! Molly and I have been friends since kindergarten, she taught me how to braid hair, and we used to pretend we were the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, haha. Katy and I have also been friends for pretty much our entire lives. At a couple different times in our childhood she lived within walking distance from my house, and we were together a lot. It's awesome though because our friendships really have made it through a lot of phases, changes, distances, situations, boys, etc. Either Katy or Molly are the kinds of friends that I could go forever without talking to, and if we ran into eachother we would pick up right where we left off. There have been times where we were all in different groups of friends, during highschool - times when Katy was away at college - times where Molly and I just didn't really talk...with good reason for awhile though. I was "that girl" and I will never forget Molly saying that to me years and years ago. See when Jim and I first got together he was dating a friend of mine...we barely knew eachother and my friend thought it would be a great idea if he moved into an apartment I was getting with me when she went away to college...what kind of girlfriend would ever suggest such a thing? I know for sure I wouldn't. Long Long Long story short, Jim and I started flirting, catching feelings for eachother and eventually hooking up. I fell in love, he said at times he was in love with me, and other times he just didn't know. Finally the shoe dropped though and she found out, in the end he chose her and moved back to Long Island so they could try and work things out *obviously she wasn't going to allow him to stay in the apartment, lol. And I didn't see Jim for 7 months, which was when he hopped back into my life, I fell hard again, as did he - and we were engaged a year later...actually 6 years ago to this very day I agreed to spend the rest of my life with him - little did I know it wasn't the "rest" but "some." Anyhow back to Molly and me being "that girl." During those months when Jim was back on the Island and I was heartbroken and crushed, I started working up at a local bar/restaurant where Thom was the manager...Thom is Molly's fiancee. She had always had a big crush on him in highschool, but at that point it wasn't reciprocated and they didn't ever end up dating...just being friends, while Molly secretely loved him, which was something all of us knew, at least our little group of girl friends. After a little while of working at this bar I ended up starting to get over Jim by flirting with Thom - as I've mentioned - the only way I've ever known how to get over a guy was to start liking another one...which is what I did. First it was harmless flirting, hanging out a lot as friends...even with Molly and Katy and a bunch of other people. We even planned a trip to Maine together, strictly as friends...to this day I swear to god that we hadn't so much as held hands before that trip. But with the flirting and us going on this little vacation we started liking eachother and dating for a few months...nothing serious, we weren't in love with eachother, he dumped me - like they all do, then Jim popped back into the picture and bam I forgot all about being upset about Thom. Anyhow - When Thom and I got back from Maine I had to tell Molly that we were interested in eachother and had kissed- which truly is all that had occured at that point. Telling her was the scariest thing in the world, and I was so mad at myself for hurting her, because she's not the kind of person who would ever hurt anyone. I truly felt like it just had snuck up on me though, I hadn't pursued him, things like that just happen - which is what I had said to her. She broke down and in the midst of our yelling and crying she looked at me and said "with Merry (Jim's ex) I could understand what happened...the two of you weren't anywhere near best friends, you only had even known her for a short time, and she practically threw her boyfriend at you. But now I realize that this is just who you are...you are THAT GIRL. The girl that likes to like guys because their friend does, and I just cannot believe you did this to ME." That conversation broke my heart, and mostly because I knew I couldn't justify allowing anything to have happened, once I saw that we were flirting I should have stopped it right there - but I was lonely and heartbroken over Jim and wanting the attention, and ignored the fact that one of my oldest and best friends was in love with the guy I was beginning to date. I was 100% wrong, and even though I didn't set out to hurt her, it was a side effect of the situation, and it crushed her. But there is a happy ending here, lol. Right after Thom dumped my ass, and Jim came back into the picture Thom and Molly started hanging out 24/7...and soon were dating, practically living together right off the bat. Awhile later Thom bought a house, and there they still live, and just recently made it official and got engaged and even set a date! It's not weird for either Molly or I (I'm pretty sure anyways) now that Thom and I ever had a thing going on...we can all hang out and it doesn't cross my mind, and I'm pretty sure Molly doesn't think about it or allows it to weird her out at all - but for some reason he's a little uncomfortable sometimes, which I only know because Molly has mentioned it. But for the most part we are all good friends, and things just simply worked out they way they were supposed to from the get-go, and I was just a quick detour that ended up taking a few miles longer, but still led to my Molly. It's funny too because like I said me, Molly and Katy have always been so close - and the three of us all got together with out future husbands in like a 3 month time period. Katy and Brian are married, living in rural bliss, with a almost two year old daughter Addison, and Katy is a music teacher at a local school, while Brian is a cook at some place that I don't even know the name of...somewhere in Cobbleskill. Molly and Thom have taken a little slower pace, but are happy, and progressing to the next level. And then there is Jim and I - on the road to divorce...as I sit here the day before Valentines Day, wondering if he has a big night planned to the T for some girl he in seeing that I just don't know about yet. It sucks, but I'm not exactly sure why it sucks, if that makes any sense. Yeah sometimes I truly do miss him, and think that I'm still very much in love with him and would do anything to make it work...then other times I'm alright with the situation, still wishing we could get along better at times, but alright - and sometimes I am just lonely and scared or really upset and only want to talk to him, and it sucks that he's not there to talk to. All and all though I don't think that it will take much longer for me to really be ok to let go, and move on...not with someone else necessarily, but to just know that we once loved eachother and because of that we had the most amazing child in the world, but it just stopped working, and it's so much better for us both not to be together - hopefully I'll be at that point real soon.

Well I got off on some shit I would never have guessed I would have written about, or even thought to write about...that's what is so fun about this blog - I can be talking about my mom's liver in one paragraph, Jim in the next, my insomnia in the next, Brian later on, an ex who's marrying my friend - whatever...I can chose to go whereever I feel like it, and it's fun to think back sometimes. I don't know, Im just really still enjoying this blog, and the fact that I know there are people that actually read it daily makes me proud and gives me a little assurance that there are people who care enough about me out there to read my crazy rants, haha. Ok but the crazyness is just ghoing to get worse and worse, because I need to sleep, and I actually think I'll be able to - maybe staring at the screen for as long as I have has just burned my eyes so much that I can't lift them for another minute, but hopefully my head will hit that pillow, I'll snuggle up to Brian and pass out quick. I'll obviously check in tomorrow, and hey if your around and free tomorrow night, come hang out with us, we sure are an awesome, fun, totally cool group of ladies ;o) Goodnight, although I didn't mean it when I started writing, now I do - it is a good night afterall...see how theraputic this thing is, lol

It just keeps getting worse - where is the light everyone keeps telling me is at the end of this road?

I'm drained so I copied and pasted a letter that I sent to a old friend of my mom's to keep him up to date on all that is going on, some of which I've already written about here, but also some new information of today's happenings...Sometimes it's just hard to write the same thing a dozen different ways 10 times a day, so as far as the general 411 goes, here it is - after the e-mail I sent him I'll write as I normally would.

I'm not sure if you've read the blog at all, but if you haven't I wanted to give you a quick update although we still don't know anything that's 100% certain. According to Mom's recent blood work she's improving in certain area's - her blood counts are good, meaning she doesn't need another transfusion - and her liver enzymes are down a little since she was in the hospital. Before the specialist saw my mom and I today he was expecting to see a woman who was in much better shape then when he saw her two weeks ago - instead she's even worse. She's very very weak. She even slept for 19 hours total yesterday, and it wasn't just a "I'm depressed and I don't want to get out of bed" situation, it was a deep, hard sleep - that I even kept waking her up from time to time because she was so completely knocked out, and at one point her breathing seemed really labored, so I woke her up and put her on O2 for an hour or so before she went back to bed....I've been able to get her to eat dinners every night, and smoothies for lunch - nice healthy meals, no sodium, and very yummy if I do feel the need to pat myself on the back. We are getting her stomach drained again tomorrow which will hopefully relieve some discomfort. My main concern right now, and what I believe is the hardest symptom for all of us is her mental condition...the liver obviously filters many different toxins, one being ammonia (spelling wrong) and when that builds up in your system it causes affects on the brain, not permanent, more acute - so when the levels of toxins go down - if they go down, the mental clarity comes back. Today she began a new medication called Lactolose - which I am very familiar with because of my ex boyfriend who died of cancer 2 years ago - what finally killed him was liver failure and he was on that medication for a month or so before he died, and it was able to keep him pretty coherent. She's just very forgetful, repetitive, confused, she'll start to say something and forget where she was going, or she will answer a question that wasn't asked...it would remind me of how someone would act during mid stages of Alzheimer's I'm assuming. What's so terrible about it for her especially is that she knows how confused she is, she's not so out of it that she can live in ignorant bliss, she's terrified and the confusion just makes it worse. So she has only had 1 dose of this new medication, and tomorrow it will start at 3 times a day - and if it's going to help we will know so within 24-48 hours, which is great that it won't take days to fix this awful symptom. We still don't know for sure whether this is going to improve the longer the alcohol is out of the equation, and we probably won't for another few weeks - but as far as I'm concerned it's seemingly something very serious that probably isn't going to just go away even without the poison that caused this in the first place. Cirrhosis can be a very slow moving disease if you take good and gentle care of your liver after diagnosed, which she is and will continue to do - as long as I'm around anyhow....but I have a feeling that it's already probably pretty advanced - from what I've seen and what I've researched once the fluid ascites happens it's a good assumption without need of a biopsy that the liver is beginning to fail.
Anyhow I've already written more then I intended, which is what I always end up doing. Just so you know there is an ounce of good news for my mom which we just found out - she got her disability, meaning the judge found in full favor of my mom - so now it's just a matter of waiting a few more months for her to get the back payment and the monthly check - but at least she can see a light at the end of the financial tunnel - I know she's been scared of loosing the house because of taxes, so that's a huge relief.

I sound so damn conceded when I say this - but I really don't know what either of my parents would be doing if Jim and I hadn't completely separated and if I wasn't living here full time. I honestly think at this point they would need to be placed in an assisted living facility...so things happen for a reason - and even if the reason really sucks for me, and is hard as hell - it's good to know that I'm being of as much use as I am. I'm her health care proxy, as well as my dad's - I'm in charge of all their meds (except any opiates, I don't trust myself that much yet) I plan the meals, and sometimes force them to eat, I have to help mom do about anything these last few weeks...so luckily I'm in a place where I'm able to take care of them, instead of being the selfish fucked up person i was less then a year ago.
Ok still I ramble, I hope this helped you understand exactly what is happening. I have the Internet at home now so I will be on regularly - with or without us having any money I made damn sure that I had the Internet - it's dial up so it sucks, but right now the computer is my only real link to the outside world, so it's a must, lol. Feel free to write and ask any questions, or to pass anything on to my mother.

I really thought I wanted to write, but I guess I was wrong. Quick run down of the day - Mom's worse - Jim had Brian most of the day - I cleaned because I don't know what else to do with all this nervous energy - Every night while I'm putting Brian to bed we ask eachother what our High and Low was for the day...I assumed his high was either going to be sledding with his father or going to McDonalds with Jim, but you know what this confused little boy said what the highlight of his day? That Daddy and Mommy didn't fight when they saw eachother...god that makes me feel awful. Yeah that's about it. Tomorrow Jim is off again and taking Brian for the day again - which is great, he needs to be around healthy people, out and about having fun, being a 4 year old with his daddy. My Aunt Cindy and I are taking my mom to have the fluid removed... and yeah then it all starts again ----There is something although I have to look forward to for the weekend. My beloved Katy is coming up for Saturday and Sunday nights....Sat which is the 13th (6 years ago the day Jim proposed to me) Molly is picking me up around 9 and we will meet Katy at 10 to go hang out at Laura's, some band is playing. It truly seems like whenever there is something terrible occuring in my life Katy always ends up being here for me, she truly is 100% the definition of a best friend, and I am so looking forward to being able to relax and remove myself from this house for a couple hours....I'll be able to have Brian sound asleep before he leaves, and once he's out he's out - and I'll be able to just spend some time with two of my dearest and oldest friends and escape for a few...also I'm trying to convince my friend Joe to come visit me - he lives near Watertown, I've known him since we were like 11 and 12 - he's a super cutie, we've been good friends for all these years and it would rock to see him, so maybe I have some stuff to look forward too amist all this shit - I'm also still praying for the Barking Spider to open it's damn doors so I can get to work. Ok then, I'm making myself a Brownie Sundae - with lots of whipped cream, carmel, ice cream, hot fudge - as many calories as I can cram in a bowl - then I will attempt to sleep, something I haven't had much luck with lately.

Good night, god bless.

Both an amazing and heartbreaking night with my son, and then my mom...

Wow I know I am not the only mother who feels this way, but it seems like whenever I think my heart is so full that it isn't possible to love Brian anymore then I already do, something happens to prove me wrong and I fall so deeply in love again - practically on a daily basis. I simply just cannot imagine how much this universe would be lacking if he were not a part of it, he's just such an insightful, amazing, caring, beautiful, funny, loving, intelligent, child - and tonight we had a great and sad night, so let me write about that instead of just going on and on about how spectacular my kid is, lol.

A quick mention of Bri and I's sledding adventure...it was a new sled, it wasn't blowing up right to begin with, but I thought it was good enough to go - we went and it was flat after his first trip down...poor kid - especially since it takes 20 minutes to get him ready to go outside, 20 minutes taking off all the shit we put on, and he only got a few minutes outside....but anyhow about tonight - First off my mom has been in bed ALL day long, except for a few small chunks of time throughout the day. I made another spectacular, healthy meal that I fed both her and my dad, she ate well - then went back to bed. It isn't even just like she's just lying there depressed, she is down right sound asleep, and has been all day - which is worrying me...she's just still so weak, and now she's sleeping more then she's awake, it just isn't setting well with me. Anyhow my dad was up all night last night - so after dinner mom went back to bed and I forced my father to lie down...he's just like a toddler who tries to stay awake until there eyes just can't force themselves open anymore...he fights it, and I don't understand why...but he does. My dad's hospital bed is right in our living room, so I knew the only way to possibly get him to sleep was to turn off the TV, and occupy Brian in his playroom, which Brian just loves anyhow - any of us playing with him in his special room, his domain - for some reason he find it so much cooler then us playing with him anywhere else.

Then began our 2 hour "train village" adventure. He has hundreds of pieces of something called Geo Trax - it's a brand of train sets...he's been collecting tracks, trains, signs, people, every accessory under the sun for a couple years now. So when all the pieces are utilized it takes up his toy room in it's entirety. Setting up the train isn't good enough for us though, we set up an amazing track - with every single piece of track he has - then we decorate...making a full Geo Trax town - filled with a fire house, school, factory, park, windmill, etc...we also then create our own little parts, like an airport, construction paper tree's, wooden benches, lakes, etc...enough enough like anyone cares exactly how our train village is built, lol. The point is here though that I really enjoyed his company tonight, as he did mine - sometimes just sitting on the floor for hours on end talking and playing with Brian is the best and most productive times in my life.

Then things got a little hard though, and I ended up having a conversation with Brian that I was totally not prepared to have. He has this bear, named Berry - real original I know...but he's had this bear since his first birthday and he goes everywhere with us, and Berry sometimes acts as a communication tool for Brian. Sometimes Brian gets really shy or embarrassed so he pretends his bear is the one with the questions or whatever and uses him as a middle man/bear. Well tonight out of no where Brian and I had this conversation that I'm just going to quote word for word, well as much as I can remember.
B - "Mom Berry is upset and I think he needs to talk to you, he's really sad."
Me - "Ok hunny what is wrong with Berry?"
B - "Your just going to have to ask him, he won't talk to me about it."
Me - "So Berry whats going on tonight, will you tell me what is the matter?"
Brian in Berry's voice that he's created - "I am scared your going to die."
Me, totally shocked and heartbroken by the answer I got I could only ask why.
Brian as Berry, so we'll use BB - " I don't know I just think your going to die.
Me - "How long have you felt this way hunny, when did this start?"
BB - "The night that Brian and I lost you (meaning the day I was arrested.)
Me - "Brian that will never happen again, you don't have to worry about that."
Brian " Mom Berry is the one who's upset not me, so tell him."
Me " Ok Berry, that day was a terrible day, but never was I going to die, and I'm not going to die now, you really don't have to worry about that right now at all baby."
Brian - "But isn't dying when someone goes away and you never see them again?"
Me - "Yes honey, but it's not the same as what happened with us, when someone dies they go to heaven because they are sick or it's their time to go and be in a better place...when that happened to you and me and Berry I wasn't ever going to heaven. I had to go to a place to get better because I was sick, I wasn't going somewhere to die. And again I know how terrible that was for you and Brian, Berry - I know how scared you were, but it's over now and that will never happen again. Will you please promise me to come talk to me whenever your upset or scared or worried about something from now on, instead of just sitting and worrying by yourself - you can talk to me about anything, I promise I'll listen and do everything I can to help and make you feel better."
Brian " OK Mom I think Berry feels better. I'll make sure to tell him to go and talk to you next time he's upset, but it wasn't me - really, it was him - I wasn't worried at all."

That's the gist of our conversation. It broke my heart for so many reasons. 1st off since we had never been apart for even a single night until I was arrested what he said tonight clarified that he really didn't believe he would ever see me again. When we've talked about death before that's pretty much how I described it, it's when someone goes away and you don't ever see them again, but they go to a better place up in heaven and become our angels....none the less no matter how many times he spoke to me, or was told that I was going to come home as soon as I could, that I wasn't gone forever, attempted to be reassured by everyone here at home that cares about him - he still didn't believe for an entire 42 days that he would never see me again - and then when I did come home it was for only one night and then it was off to the half way house....this poor child just has gone through more then a lot of people my age, and I hate myself because it's my fault that he has had to endure 75% of the hard things in his life that he's had happen. The 2nd reason that this really upset me was because since it had never been mentioned before, I think it has to do with the current health situation here at home with my parents...he's very perceptive and he knows that Nonnie (his name for mom) is really sick - and I think he is scared that she is going to die. The bad part about it is that I cannot say much to comfort him, I can't promise that she'll get better, I can't promise that she isn't dying. I can just tell him how much her and Poppie love him and that both of them will do whatever it takes to ensure that they get to spend as much time with him as possible before going to heaven. That they love him so much that even as wonderful as heaven will be they would rather be here with him. I hope that helps, but I just don't know how to answer the questions that inevitably are going to come up. We've talked about June 6th - the day I was arrested, many times - I've learned how to answer those questions for the most part, but today was just especially hard because I realized that he associated what happened with me dying...and that he is still scared of it happening again. So I don't know it was just like I said earlier - an amazing and hard night with my son tonight and I thought I'd sit down and process it a little by writing...it's funny because that really is what this blog has become for me - a way to process things that are scrambling around in my head, after I am done writing I feel like I have a better handle on my emotions and what I'm dealing with or thinking about - so even though the actual blog might not make much sense, it helps in the end sort through some of the shit in my own head...like I said it's just a way to process.

Also another event that occurred - After Brian went to sleep, I came into my mom's room and sat down at the computer, turned on the TV, and she didn't move a muscle - usually she's a very light sleeper. After a few minutes sitting here I ended up going and waking up my dad because the way she was breathing was really labored - it sounded very strained. So who knows more about what it sounds like to have a hard time breathing then my dad? He came in and we woke her up, and when she came too enough she even acknowledged that she was having a hard time catching her breath. It pays to have tons of breathing stuff in this house at times - I helped her to the couch, set her up with my dad's portable O2 tank, turned it up high and there she is sitting now as I write. I also gave her a nebulizer treatment, and now she is breathing much better. I'm just really freaked out though - it seems like things are occurring with her quickly and progressively. I can't help but be reminded of my grandfather who was diagnosed with liver cancer 3 weeks before he died. 3 weeks - how unbelievably fast is that? I know she doesn't have cancer - but it is liver disease, and there are similarities...not to mention my memories of the last month of Ellis' life. He had such terrible bloating that he looked 8 months pregnant, had to get it drained once a week, until he stopped all treatment. He also would have moment of fogginess- not clear thinking - and my mom is showing signs of that a lot too. That can happen because the liver filters ammonia and when it doesn't do that and the ammonia levels get high it can cause confusion and basically fuck up the brain...so all and all I'm just pretty scared right now, and super relieved that we are seeing her GI specialist tomorrow. But I'm going to go hang out with her and dad, since it's late and we're all up for the same reasons - fear...we mine as well be scared together. I'll write tomorrow and let you know how the doc's went.

Oh and luckily Jim has the day off tomorrow, so my dad doesn't have to watch Brian all day while my mom and I are gone - he's so exhausted I would not even feel comfortable leaving Brian here without me...so Jim is actually contributing in an important way tomorrow, lets hope he makes a habit of it....it seems petty with everything else that is going on - but I really am positive that he's seeing someone, which makes me physically and emotionally ill, he made a comment tonight on the phone - he told me to make sure and call his cell in the AM tomorrow to make sure he's home and not running late before I drop Brian off. So where is he spending the night? God it kills me, but I'm so not about to get into all that right now - at this hour- with so much else on my mind...so goodnight.