Trying to figure out how to get you to know me as well as possible...DAY 2

Hello again, to whomever may actually be out there in the cyber world reading my thoughts. My first blog I hope was able to give a small summary of my story, although there is of course so much more to explain, tell and share about. I think the best way to go about this is to just write daily, and fill in the blanks as they come by describing my present life, so here we go.

It's been a hard week. My husband, Jim, and I finally called it quits once and for all. We've been married for 5 years this March, and I've loved him for 3 years before that, so it's such a loss, but not a surprise. Last March I went to a detox, my second true attempt at cleaning myself up. It was also my first time in my son's life ever spending even a night away from him...so it was a hard decision to make regardless of how much I wanted and needed the help. The night I got back from the 5 day detoxification, Jim left and moved in with a mutual friend of ours. He said he just couldn't get over all the lies, and bullshit that had occured in recent years, and that he didn't want to wake up 40 as miserable in this marriage as he was at 25. Since then we have been "off and on" and very inconsistant in our relationship. From last April until I was arrested in June I was even dating someone else...it was much more a drug relationship then anything else, in fact it was this guy who gave me my first bump of heroin, who shot me up for the first time, and whom I was arrested with on June 6th. He's not a bad guy, although I may have just portrayed him that way, he's just sick. I was granted a chance at recovery in a much nicer way then he. I spent 2 weeks in jail and then went to a beautiful rehab, where people cared how I felt, where there was good food, and a nice warm bed. He stayed in jail. From rehab I went to another beautiful place, closer to home, which was a half way house. Again, people there cared about me, treated me like a human, related to me...again he was in jail. Now I'm home, trying to rebuild my life, and he is in prison. So no he's not an evil drug pusher, he's just an addict like I am - who did what he had to do to get by just like I did. Anyways I'm getting on a rambling episode here...long story short is Jim and I have been broken for a long time. He picked me up from my rehab, trying to forgive all that had happened...realizing that he still loved me and part of him really wanted it to work between us. We spent weekends together with our son while I was living at the half way house, and when I came home it was his apartment I moved into. Unfortunently I don't think he can forgive me, and I think we are beyond broken, but shattered. As sad as I am about it, I understand that it's probably for the best, for both of us and for our son. Yet I still want to hold on to that tiny thread of hope that I've been clinging to for so long, that we can end up a happy family. I now am staying with my parents, my son's with me 99% of the time, thank god. That living situation has to change as quickly as possible, but that will take time, and I need to practice my patience.

Which brings me back to today. I've been looking for a job all week, without much luck. I live in a TINY town where everyone know's all the skeletons in my closet. So to humble myself enough to walk up to these people who think of me as a JUNKIE, THIEF, and TERRIBLE MOM, and then ask them for a job has been a learning experience. I approach it all honestly, and I have found that most people are quite understanding. I don't get into all the goary details of course, but I'm honest about why I don't have much of a work history in the last 5 years, and why I can't really think of many references, either personal or professional. So far I think I've actually found people who would hire me, if they needed help in this shitty economy...but so far no openings. It's discouraging, but I can't give up. I think getting a job will bring me so much closer to sanity. I'll feel like I'm contributing to my family again, I'll get out of my house which is depression central, I'll meet new people, and I'll start being able to save money to get out on my own for the first time in my life.

So all and all things are hard. Although everyone tells me I've already been through the worst of it, sometimes where I am now at 7 months clean, seems harder then where I was with only 30 days. My husband already has his own life, one without me - a full time job, where he works with friends, and enjoys his days. His own apartment right up the road from a popular bar. Friends that stop by and see him, or that he goes out with. And eventually if it hasn't already happened, he'll meet a girl, and I cannot imagine how hard that will be. It makes me physically sick to even think about it, I cannot forsee how I'd handle it when it actually is a reality.

I need to develop my own life. As of now I have no friends. Well I have one or two, but my best friend lives 2 hours away, and she's who I feel like I need the most right now. Any friends I have had in the recent past, I either used with, fucked over, were more Jim's friends then mine, or have moved away and grown up with careers and families of their own. At 26 I feel like I have to start completely over, from where I was from like the period of when I graduated high school...except now I have a terrible past, a husband I'm seperated from, and a child...it won't be easy.

I see how long this particular blog is. They all won't be like that...but I'm a writer, and I'm a talker, and sometimes I do ramble on and on. It will be hard to get everyone up to date, and able to understand who I really am...so there probably will be some super long blogs in the mix here to just try and do just that. If anyone out there does end up reading this, I want them to know the real me, the real situation, my real past, my story, in all the honesty, humility, acceptance and open-ness that is possible. Unless I do this 100% then it's not even worth doing, so we'll see how it ends up, but if there is anyone out there - bare with me, I'm knew at this whole concept, and I might shoot from one place to another, and not make much sense sometimes, but I'm going to really try. Another thing about me, is I've never really stuck to much of anything. From childhood I've been a "quitter" when things got tough or boring...in everything except relationships that is - I'll hold onto those until the bitter end. But piano lessons, softball, clarinet, jobs, school, etc when the going get tough I got going. So I want this to be something different for me. When I get bored with it, if I get bored with it...if I notice that there is NOONE reading this, no matter what the situation, I plan on forcing myself to stick it out...it's part of trying to change my faults, my defects of character, little things at a time - and this is how I will try to change that specific flaw of mine. Meaning unless I simply cannot get to a computer, or some catastrophy occurs I am comitting to myself to write daily, and do all that I've said I plan on doing. So I guess we'll just see :O)

Now I'm going to sign off, try to track down someone I'm trying to get a hold of to talk to about a job, and go run my son around outside - no matter how frigid it is...he's getting cabin fever and bouncing off the walls, so it's necessary. I'll be back tomorrow, good-bye!

Oh and every blog at the end I'm going to write down a random fact about me, either a short story, something many people don't know, little personality traits, whatever, just in hopes of you getting to know me better....for this one I thought to let you in on a huge fear of mine...When I was young my biggest fear was death of someone I loved. My dad's been sick since I was very young, and I was always planning on his death occuring, so that was always my biggest fear as a kid. As an adult I've lost 2 people specifically that at one time I didn't think I could live without, I'll tell you about those stories another time. One was my grandfather, whom died lying next to me...and the other was my first love who died at 29 from cancer, I also was there for most of the process of his death. He hadn't dated anyone since me, because he had gotten sick, and he had told me that he was still in love with me only a few weeks before he died. Part of me felt like I was loosing a significant other when it happened, which was 2 years ago...I never crossed any lines while I was spending his last months with him, it was never like that - I was married and always 100% faithful in that regard....but in a time like that feelings get stirred up, and it was a situation that was unique, and terrible, and something I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from. But the point is that I'm still here, I did survive what I used to think I never could have. So in some ways I do see myself as a strong person, I have been through some pretty heavy stuff in my life, even before the addiction took hold. Although I see myself as weak and pathetic much of the time, I do have to acknowledge that and give credit to myself when it's earned...so there is something about my past, and my personality...and a little more insight into who I am.