My first night without Brian, should I be thrilled or upset?

I don't know how to answer that question - should I be thrilled to have a night off mommy duty, or should I be crying and all upset? So far I'm definently somewhere in between which I think is a good place to be. Yes I'm sad that he's not going to be home tonight - but this is a good thing, all 3 of us have to get used to the way our life is and is going to be from now on. I'm obviously not worried about Brian's well-being Jim is a good dad and will take great care of him...I'm just a little worried that Bri will get a little weepy at bedtime and homesick. I used to get homesick when I was little and it's such a shitty feeling, I just hope he has so much fun that he doesn't miss me at all. I told Jim that even if he does get upset not to call me to come get him. It might sound harsh but if I were to run over and pick him up this time he would expect that a tear could make me come get him any time from here on out. And like I said we all have to get used to these new circumstances, especially Brian, so now is as good a time as any to start. I just wish I had any kind of social life so I could take advantage of the night off and enjoy myself, that will come soon I hope though. But for tonight I'll be home with my mom watching tv, so thrilling, right?

My dad is still in the hospital. They are running some more tests, like MRI, another Cat Scan, and other random things, so we don't really know anything...except that it doesn't look like he had any kind of stroke. That is good and bad news, which might sound crazy, how could it possibly be bad news that he DIDN'T have a stroke. Well he was disoriented, and having such a terrible few days before he left for the hospital. If it had been a stroke there would be a reason for it, other then "It's just how this disease progresses, so we're sending him home to progress." I don't know why I quoted that, no one said that, but it could be the case, it's actually very likely that that is the case...and that scares me. I've been dealing with my dad being sick my entire life, literally, I have never known him to be healthy. I have gotten used to his physical limitations, and what it's like to be around him when he's so out of breath he can't talk, on oxygen, ect...the normal things that you think of when you think of emphysema. What scares me in the possibility of mental symptoms occuring. My father has always been sharp as a tack, witty, funny, smart, and loving. I'm scared that his entire personality might change, and that he will end up more and more confused and altered as this progresses. It's just hard because we've been living with this forever, worrying about when the "end" would happen, but it was always something in the future, even if we thought it was the near future, it still was the future. I don't know exactly how I would describe what I think the "end"means...but I have a feeling that he's starting that phase of this illness and that it's no longer something in the future but it is now my families present - if that made any sense what so ever? Enough about that though, I'm a tad emotional anyways because of dropping Brian off and the Jim stuff so I'm not about to try and make myself even more of a stressed out wreck by dwelling on what's happening with my dad.

On a different note - that job interview that I was SOOOOOOOOO psyched about, yup...never happend. I don't know if the guy never made it up to North Creek today, or if he forgot, or what, but he never called me this morning to schedule a time like he said he would. I didn't call him because I don't want to bug him too much, but I want to be a healthy level of persistant and let him know how interested I am...so I'll bug him tomorrow :O) But it sucked because I got all dressed up, spent an hour on my hair, another hour on my makeup...for nothing, to lounge around the house all day and hang out with Brian. Oh well, I like feeling pretty and today I thought I did look nice, so it wasn't for nothing - it was just for me.

Well now I'm going to stop by a friends house. She got clean a few weeks ago, and I've known her since birth practically. We used together and I had something to do with her addiction so her boyfriend obviously has reservations about me and her spending time together. So I invited myself over to their apartment tonight while he's there, to chat and hopefully make him feel a little more comfortable with me being around her. I totally understand, he's a good guy, I'd be gun shy too if I were him...but she could use me right now, and I could obviously use any friendships I can get or salvage. Hopefully it'll be a nice conversation, and it will go well. I'm a little nervous though, wondering how he'll act around me or treat me, but I will soon enough find out. I'll check in tomorrow, to all a good night...

Little known Krista fact... I have two beautiful half sisters that I didn't get the chance to meet until I was 12 years old. They are from my dad's first marriage, and they live in the Rochester area. I also have a gorgeous niece and a handsome nephew - two things as an only child I never thought I would have. They are obviously older then me, and there is a lot of miles from here to there, and we all kind of suck at keeping in touch, and theres a ton of reasons and excuses - but I haven't seen them in 2 or 3 years, and we don't talk or write much. They are both amazing woman though, and I'm still very hopeful that we will be able to connect like sisters and all find a comfortable way to be in eachothers lives. I know my sister Laura reads this blog, she's one of my 2 followers (it's so popular, right?) (So hi Laura! I love you, I miss you, I think about you all the time. I need to try to save up a little money once I get working so I can make a trip out there with Brian to see you guys. Again - I LOVE YOU and thank you for all the supportive words of encouragement during all this stuff that's happened and is happening, and thank you for not judging me, and simply thank you for being there.) Like I said I didn't meet them until I was 12, and even then it wasn't like we all moved into one big house and became a happy little family - so I was raised as an only child...when I met them it was a total dream come true for me, to have 2 big sisters, and a niece (my nephew wasn't born yet.) It is too bad that we don't live closer, and that we aren't all better at keeping in touch, but I am still so grateful to have them in anyway that I can...and I am very hopeful for a better relationship with them both in the future. Hear that Laura? Haha...anyhow that's today's Krista 411. I wonder if this makes me self-centered that I write this blog and think that anyone cares about knowing my story...hmmm, nah it's fine :O)