Alright well I pretty much suck - I already missed a day, which I promised myself I wouldn't do unless it was absolutely impossible for me to make it to a computer, which it wasn't. Meet Krista, the woman who is notorious for loosing interest in projects, skimping, and doesn't do well when it comes to sticking with things...I think I already mentioned that in a previous blog, so now I suppose I just proved it. I will not let that give me any sort of excuse to quit on this although, and hopefully it won't happen often...this is the point of trying to fix character defects I assume, to work on it - we'll see if by the end of this I've gotten better, who knows?
Ok so anyhow... Today is Tuesday, January 12th 2010. I had outpatient today but had close to zero opportunity to discuss any of my idea's about the Suboxone, or to fill him in on the latest Jim and Krista development, or destruction I guess is a better word. I had two groups today, the first is an Opiate specific group, just for us pill poppers and junkies...counselors don't want us to ever think the only people we can relate to are those that used our drug of choice, because as they all say, a drug is a drug is a drug, and alcohol is a drug. There are few reasons for this segregated group, which I might add is the ONLY group at my outpatient that is drug specific. Reason #1 - For people who are on Suboxone or Methadone to have a place to discuss it, because neither of those medications are allowed to be talked about anywhere else or in any other groups. There are a few reasons for this, as I've said it's a pretty hot topic and people can have very strong opinions about it and many a argument or hurt feelings have arose due to this...it's like talking about politics or religion, or NA versus AA.
Reason #2 - It's for people who are currently or in the past on pain medications for either legitimate or bullshit reasons. Say a guy has been on Opiate pain pills for a decade because of a hurt back, but gets a DWI and can no longer take them...they put him in this group to talk about the aspects of pain control, withdrawls, etc.
Reason #3 - Unlike many other drugs Opiates fuck up your brain forever...chemicals return to some sort of healthier balance then when you were using but never go back to "normal." Opiate addicts sometimes have PAWS (post acute withdrawl symptoms) longer, more likely to be depressed, all that good stuff that I'm experiencing contributes in part to my drug of choice.
Reason #4 - Last but not least we have the needle addiction. It sounds crazy but IV users often develop such affection for the needle (which they associate with the high, pleasure, euphoria, ect) that they sometimes miss the needle as much as the drug, in a different way but with some simularities. Like I said it sounds disgusting and like loving self mutilation in a way to someone who has never been an IV drug user...but for someone who has it not only makes perfect sense but often is a reality in their recovery. (I've experienced it) It's like Pavlov's dogs...which I bet most anyone who reads this has heard of but to describe it quick...scientists would ring a bell right before feeding a bunch of dogs...eventually in not much time the dogs associated the bell with getting food, and in their brains the part that would light up when people or animals are in the act of eating would be triggered before the dog ate but as soon as they heard the bell. So long story short, we end up learning in our brains that the needle brings about the high, the relief of a detox, the way we end up feeling "normal." So it's in a way the same as the dogs.
So I guess I got into the Opiate group stuff more then I had planned, lol, I told you I ramble. Anyhow the point is that I did bring up my plans for becoming a Suboxone patient in my opiate group...like I had anticipated the other clients were split almost 50/50 on people who thought it was an acceptable and most likely a helpful plan, and those who couldn't disagree more. Also like I had assumed would be the case the counselor who was leading the group thought I shouldn't go on the maintence program, because of course I've already been clean for over 7 months, which I again new would be their stance. I'm going back tomorrow though and hopefully I'll be able to speak directly with my case manager and fill him in, and find out once and for all if I'll be able to continue my treatment there after I've started the Suboxone, or if I should plan on going to another OP. I'm not sure if I would be allowed to continue if they all told me not to do the Suboxone but I did anyhow...or if I could continue but would be treated like I was either still using or not progressing at all because they are assuming my recovery will be stunted if I go on this drug. I'll have to know that there will at least be some sort of support from my counselors there to continue after this change has occured, and I hope we can figure it out, because I am comfortable there and I've made a lot of friends there, and I for the most part trust the people who work there with most things...obviously the Suboxone issue not being one. In that situation at least the 2 counselors that I know for sure where they stand, they just see it as so black and white...your on a chemical your using and not clean...like I said it's such a debatable subject and people are either 100% for it or 100% against, not many people fall in the middle. I'll just have to stick with the choice I've made, feel confident that I'm doing what is best for me, and have faith that it will help me in the short term and long run...other then that I can't do much, the rest will play out as it will and I have no control over other peoples feelings or opinions, only my own...which sometimes is such a hard thing to accept.
As the progress goes though with the Suboxone issue...Zat (my grandmother) has told me she would send the doctor the first payment, which is $120.00, you have to always pay one visit ahead. Then the first visit will be $230.00, then every month from there on out it will be the $120.00...so it's going to be hard to manage, and so much depends on me finding a damn job, that by the way I am still not having much luck at. There is something but it wouldn't begin for a couple months, and I pray to be working by then...but at least I know I have a job then if need be, or if I take something I hate just to get working, then I can go to this other job when it would start.
Ok so that's enough for today...gotta love it, I either blow off writing all together or I don't shut up...I'm such an addict all or nothing, haha.
All that is left is my tid-bit of random Krista facts :O) Hmm what to say....I'll talk boys, especially since that's all I do at this point in my life, is talk about them and not have anything to do with any, lol. I have pretty much had a boyfriend consistently since I was 16. Always not wanting to be alone I always got together with someone as soon after a break up as possible. As I think I've mentioned I've never ended it with a guy either, I've always been the one dumped, because it's not like I would ever choose to say goodbye and risk being alone. My first real boyfriend was my ex who passed away, and we dated for about a year, on and off with him back and forth in college. My next was my first real love, and my first first...he was over a year, but there was a 4 month semester abroad to Denmark that he experienced during that time...he's doing amazingly well now, owns a home, is a Vet, goes by the all elusive Dr title, and I haven't seen him in like 7 years, but still glorify the relationship with what if's. I blame that on the fact that he was my first love, they say you never truly get over that one, at least that's what "they" say. Plus I believe that if you ever really love someone, it never goes away completely, that they will forever hold a space in your heart. Then began the Jim saga for a few months...now that's such a long story how we got together and all the shit that followed that I'll save that for a really boring day to write about. We broke up after a few months and he went back to Long Island, which is where he is from. Then there was a short relationship with another boy, neither of us loved eachother, it was the most casual a relationship of mine as ever been. Then Jim again. The the few months with the guy I got arrested with, but that was never a real relationship, more like two fucked up people keeping eachother company, partners is crime. Then Jim again. So at 26 years old I've been in a few relationships, but never really single...and I've never been one for those that can remain casual no matter how much I wish I could. I've also never had a one night stand...and have only slept with 4...which I am proud of because I do know so many woman and men who have had sex with a rediculous amount of people, that they cannot even recall half of them. So there's the jist of my relationship history in a quick timeline. Mostly to show that I'm not used to nor good at being alone, and that I am the girlfriend type not the type that can remain feeling-less and casual. Enough - I'm done ranting, lol. Goodbye for now.
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