Frustration

I'm frustrated because Jim doesn't call when he says he will, or see Brian when he says he will...and Brian ends up disapointed, confused and sad.

I'm frustrated that I don't have primary physical custody - which by the way I am going to repetition the courts very soon to try and obtain that.

I'm frustrated that my dad is sick.

I'm frustrated that my mom is in such poor health and doesn't choose to go to the hospital when she should, and that the doctors lable her a drunk as soon as she does get to the ER and she isn't taken seriously. I'm frustrated that there is something wrong with her health and all the tests and all the hospital stays haven't figured it out. I'm frustrated that in this year alone she's had a dozen blood transfusions to give her a quick fix - cover it like a bandaid and then she's sick again in a month or two.

I'm frustrated that I'm always broke, that my parents are broke, that Jim refuses to help because "it's not his problem anymore," or "you have food stamps what else does Brian really need?" Or "I've always been the financial contributer, it's your turn."

I'm frustrated that I have to wait to start work and begin making money.

I'm frustrated that there are people who are so hypocritical and sit on high horses like their shit doesn't stink....when they are either shitty people, drunks, addicts themselves, liars, ect. But because my shit was so exposed and because I've had such consequences they are better then me, and I'm the piece of shit when they all have their own dirty little secrets.

I'm frustrated that I have such a pathetic social life.

I'm frustrated because I can't help but miss Jim and because there are times when I'm upset and I know he's the only person that would really understand, but I know that he doesn't want to hear it - because again, it's not his problem anymore to give a shit. I disgust myself that I'm pathetic enough to want his affection, shoulder, ear, support, attention, etc when he has zero desire to give it.

I'm frustrated that after 7+ years I don't know how to "be" without Jim in my life. That after so many shitty things that have happened, after all the hurt, lies, and knowing that it's over that I can't just let go.

I'm frustrated that because I've centered myself so much around Jim for so many years that he is the only person that truly knows me, the good, bad and ugly...that he's the only person that I feel understands my life...that I feel such a need to talk to him when I'm upset, scared, lonely, etc. I'm angry at myself for allowing him to be the center of my universe for so long that I isolated from so many other people that really used to know me, and care about me.

I'm frustrated that my son doesn't have a better life, that he doesn't have everything he could ever wish for, that he isn't around other kids all the time - because I don't have a bunch of friends with kids, or because I haven't tried harder in the past to get him around kids his age.

I'm frustrated that he spends as much time as he does with adults - two being his grandparents that love him more then life itself, that are amazing with him, but two adults that are sick and I know won't be around for years and years to come - and that he'll have to deal with that at such a young age.

Have I mentioned that I'm frustrated? So as much as it sucks, that's just where I am today...maybe it's all this rain that's gotten me in such a wonderful mood.