As I've said I am a little over 7 months clean. I've been in treatment that entire time in one way or another, and since the start there has been a Suboxone debate occuring in my head. For those of you who don't know, Suboxone is the new age Methadone, much safer, less risk for abuse, doesn't get people high like Methadone, and it is also an opiate blocker (meaning if you take an opiate of any kind while it's in your system you get sick, and don't feel a thing.) Well the rehab I went to didn't offer Suboxone treatment, so I didn't have much of a choice in whether or not to take it. By the time I began outpatient, the counselors all had the attitude that I was "over the hump" physically anyways, so it would be pointless. Not to mention many counselors and addicts alike have the attitude that you aren't clean if your not clean. N/A (Narcotics Anonymus) doesn't even recognize someone as having any clean time if they are on any sort of maintence program. So needless to say, I've put the idea pretty much out of my head, and trusted my counselor who thought it wasn't the best idea....and again I already had some clean time under my belt - so why take a step backwards? Well now things are a little different. My legal stuff is finally at an end - meaning I'm not tied into any program, counselor, or anything from this point on - case closed. I'm also going through some stuff, IE: the final breakup between Jim and I. All and all I'm feeling emotionally the worst that I have since pretty much the early times of this journey. I contacted a few private Suboxone doctors, and found pretty much the 1 out of New York that has an opening for a new client. Other then some internal debate that continues, the only thing that is standing in my way is money, because of course he doesn't take any sort of insurance, and I have to see him monthly as a patient.
As an addict we are told that we have a disease. That it's not a moral issue, it doesn't mean we are bad people, or that we are weak. That it is a disease like any other chronic condition. So if I use that rational, then why wouldn't I take a pill that wouldn't cure me, but would eliminate my symptoms (cravings, brain chemistry, ect.) Once someone becomes addicted to Opiates their brain changes forever, things get better but never back to 100% "normal." Subxone would trick my brain into thinking that it had what it thinks it needs to be normal, without getting me high as a kite, and like I said before it would eliminate any cravings. Yes it is a crutch. Yes many people kick this shit without a pill. Many people live great lives though using this medication, for as short or as long as they and their doctors think it's needed. It is a big choice though, because I would be choosing to once again become physically and mentally dependant on something...after 7 months clean. Normal people would probably think that I'd be totally stupid for doing it, and many people with experience would think the same. Like I've said, it might be the easy way out, but after such a substantial amount of time doing this the hard way and not feeling like it's working, then it might be the best choice, right? No-one can tell me what to do in this situation, it's a very personal decision that I will be forced to make all on my own.
The statistics are terrifying when it comes to the amount of people who relapse in the first year. In rehab it's like 1 out of 20 people will never use again. Some people have a little extra rope to hang themselves with...some can make it to 5 different rehabs before getting it right. I don't have that option. This isn't a 3 strikes and your out kind of deal here. If I fuck up, I lose everything, most importantly my son. I don't want to take any chances with him, in any way....I don't want him to ever have to feel another ounce of affect due to my addiction. So if Suboxone makes me feel more secure in this journey...if it seperates me a little more from the chance of picking up a needle, or a bag of heroin again...then it might be the safety net I personally will benefit from. Some think that it puts me closer to being a dysfunctional addict, like I said it puts me back in a drugs grip...it's something I'll need to take daily. Some just think it's a legal way to be a drug addict...and the doctors that perscribe it are just legal dealers. I've been on Suboxone before, in a detox, and I've bought it off the street for my own "sick days." It's never gotten me at all high, fuzzy, buzzed, altered, whatever. It always just made me feel "normal." I guess I'm going around in circles...but that's where I'm at today. To take Suboxone or not...to become a legal drug addict (some opinions would say) or to risk at a higher percentage in my mind becoming an illegal drug addict, that can't function as a person, mom, family member, or basic human....only as a addict. I guess it's safe to say that I'm leaning towards the "to take" side of this debate. If that is what I chose though there is more to it...like I said it's a financial commitment as well as an everything else commitment...so I need to find that job I've been searching for before I can even seriously think about making this concrete. I guess I'll just have to see what happens....I'll be speaking with my counselor Tuesday about it at my outpatient...maybe it's possible to get him behind me on this choice in which case I might be able to go through the outpatients doctor for it, who does take medicaid...but those are a lot of if's. Like I've said, I doubt my case manager is going to be for this, but again it's a wait and see game. For now, I've rambled enough about my Suboxone debate....so I'll put anyone out of their misery who may be reading this, haha.
So for the 1 new thing you don't know about me of the day....hmmmm...lets see.
I was the "picked on" girl in elementary and middle school, terribly. I got teased for just about everything. I walk on my tip toes (short heel cords, not a choice) so that made me an easy target...and I guess they thought my dark Italian hair made my arms look hairy, which they really aren't that hairy...so they called me warewolf. Around 10th grade I made some older friends...mainly a group of 4 guys, and the 5 of us spent a lot of time together, we were all really close. I started dating a little, the girls stopped hating me all together and things got a little better. So I've had both experiences, the picked on, bullied, tormented girl...and the semi-popular (I at least made prom court my senior year, lol) I was also in Miss Teen NY when I was 15...which shocked my peers, especially the boys who had never given me a second thought. But it was fun, a great experience, and hey out of 51 who got chosen to even be in it, I came in 16th place...not super shabby. Well a little more into the life of Krista, lol. God I wonder if anyone will ever read all this, and how boring it would be if they did, or if it would be at all interesting to someone who's never met me.
Goodbye for now - I'll write again tomorrow.
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