So I'm back to my grandmothers using her computer, my parents don't currently have the internet so I have to come here to connect to the cyber community. I was bored and out of things to do at home, so I am making a little stop here, writing a little more, and trying to kill some idle time. Who know's if there will be many days where I write multiple times, but either way today is one of those times - so here I go on yet another writing rampage :O)
This blogging thing is a little hard to get used to. Mainly because I want to be as open and honest as possible, but it scares me that certain people might read certain things. I've given the link to my blog to a few people, but it's easier for me to imagine 1,000 strangers reading this then it is to imagine one person I know, knowing all the dirt, and chaos that is my head and life. I'm trying to write in this like I would a journal, but even that's a little hard because there are certain things I need to explain incase a stranger ever does stumble across this. So I guess I'm trying to make it as honest and open as something only I would read, with a little different kind of content, if that makes much sense.
Anyhow, up and down - if I didn't know any better I'd diagnose myself as bi-polar. It's just that somedays I feel hopeful, and like I'm not a million miles away from a normal existence, productivity, and happiness. Then other days with not much rhyme or reason I feel like I am in a hopeless situation, a lifetime of struggle away from a better life.
Maybe it's what professionals would call PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome, which I guess can last for up to 2 years after an addict gets sober or clean. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance that is caused by nothing related to my addiction. Maybe it's simply depression, or what is called situational depression. Maybe it's as easy to describe as my life sucks right now and I'm frustrated and loosing patience and sometimes faith that things will get better. Whatever the cause, it's not a great emotional place to be residing in.
Tomorrow Zat (which is what I call my grandmother) Brian (my son) and I are going south about 45 minutes for a dentist appointment of mine, and of course McDonalds for my 4 year old. It'll be good for Brian to get out for the day, as I'm sure it won't hurt me either. Zat does so much for me, and is so supportive, and views me as one of her own children...but I've been spending a lot of time with her lately, and it's pathetic that my almost 80 year old grandmother consists as a huge part of my social life.
Jim's called once in the last 3 days - to ask me to deliver some laundry he paid me $10.00 to do for him earlier this week, and leave it inside the shop door at his job. I am an idiot for doing it and not just saying no, but I did - and to top it off I even left him a note taped to the bag...that said I wished he'd check in more often, call to talk to Brian more, and I even signed it "I miss you." Why would I do that, give him that, let him know that? As far as I know he needed those clean clothes so desperately because he had a date last night, or needed clean boxers for some girl to remove. And here I am telling him that I miss him - sometimes I allow myself to be stripped of any pride I have left, and allow Jim to see me as so pathetic.
I know that this is the smartest thing we could be doing...going our seperate ways. I know our relationship is shattered, and Jim even told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not sure if I believe that part although, because it was just two weeks ago he was confessing his undying love for me no matter what has happened. We've done this so many times and ended right back together that it is hard to let go absolutely, and to not think that it's only a matter of time before we are cuddled up on his couch, or sleeping in his bed, or telling eachother that we love one another and really want to try and make it work...because of this it is so easy to fall into the trap of convincing myself that it's not really over, that maybe we do stand a chance. I don't know, it's just hard!
What makes it even harder is that my head (logic) and my heart (emotions) aren't on the same page and think different things are the correct way to go. I am jealous though that he doesn't seem affected by our seperation...that he seems to be having fun, and that its so much easier for him to move on. I'm terrified of him being with someone else, I'm no where near being in a place where I'd be ok with him being with either physically or emotionally with someone other then me. Part of me hopes that he'll be honest and tell me when something like that happens, the other part knows that ignorance is bliss and maybe not knowing for as long as possible would be the easier way to go...but then I would have to worry about how I would eventually find out. It makes my stomach do somersaults just imagining it. God who know's, I'm just once again going on and on, while beating a horse that has been beaten to death and then beat up some more.
For now I'm going to shut up, smoke a cigarrette, and go home and find something to do with my beautiful son. Between this blog and my own personal journal I am writing A LOT, it'll probably be good for me, it's always been the one thing in my life that I've always had as an out-let...so it really doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this, it's the writing that is important to me.
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