Hello out there!
Right after I blogged last night something shitty happened and I was told to not come visit a friend of mine because her boyfriend didn't want me anywhere near her. The two of us had used together, and she just in this last month went to a detox and admitted to him the extent of her problem. You would think that I would be a perfect person to talk to her now, knowing 100% how she feels both physically and emotionally. I also am very scared for her because I know with no uncertainty that a 4 day stay at Saint Peters Detox is not enough for her to even give her a chance at longterm sobriety. She needs a rehab, she needs more intensive help. So I understand why her boyfriend wouldn't trust that the two of us wouldn't get together and fuck up...but why wouldn't I be welcome in their home if he was there to keep and eye on the situation, to hear how I'm doing, and that I truly am clean? I also find it very hypocrytical because he took part in her drinking out in public and I'm sure in private while she was recently pregnant, which believe it or not, but it would be safer for a woman to shoot heroin while pregnant then drink, for the baby at least. Alcohol is the most detrimental substance possible for a fetus. Anyhow I was offended and a little hurt, but again I see where he is coming from. I just would love to shake him though and warn him that this is not over for her or his new family...and tell him that she desperately needs more help then she's received thus far. He thinks that it all comes down to will-power, "just say no", and him keeping a very close eye on her - but that's not even close...it takes so much more to maintain sobriety. People who have months and months in programs and counseling still fuck up, so what do you think the odds are if you haven't? But enough about that, my title said that I was happy so allow me to explain that more instead of dwelling on something negative.
Last night after I dropped Brian off, blogged, and was rejected (lol) I descided to call my friend Molly, just to chat. We've been friends since kindergarten and at times have been extremely close. Since adult-hood we've been sparatic in our friendship, bad at keeping in touch, and both of us are bad about balancing our relationships, our friendships, our family and our jobs. Usually friendships are the first to get cut out of the schedule and equation. So I called her and we talked for a good 30 minutes on the phone before I pointed out how stupid this was and that she only lived 8 miles away, and that I was free for the night, and descided to just drive over to talk to her in person. I did just that, and we spent almost 3 hours comfy on her couch talking...I filled her in on the whole story, starting with the early years of my addiction. She knew very little about that part of my life, and when I did run into her or randomly talk to her throughout it all, I obviously didn't mention it. She also had heard so many different stories about what happened the day I got arrested that I wanted to tell her the true story, not the gossip people create. By the way - I definently didn't get arrested because Westie and I were found in my car passed out with needles hanging out of our arms while Brian was in the back seat - which she told me was the story she had been told. See, the truth is terrible enough, why make it worse? But anyhow we had an amazing conversation, and ended it with big hugs and I love you's. I had mentioned how shitty my social life is earlier in the night, and right before I left she came up with a fantastic idea! Today is her birthday, and she invited me to go to dinner with just her at Laura's upstairs to celebrate, then downstairs to get together with some of her friends and just hang out. Her boyfriend works there, so he has a running tab that he puts money towards weekly, and is in the positive...and since she knows I'm dead broke, she offered to put the whole night on their tab and treat me :O) Needless to say I'm excited to get out and socialize, and I'm so grateful to her for even thinking of this idea...I think it's exactly what I need to reintegrate back into society. That's a chunk of the reason why I'm happy today.
Reason number 2 - Brian must have not had any problems last night because Jim never called, and even though I told him to tough it out if Brian got upset, he wouldn't have and I would have been contacted if Bri had gotten upset at all. That makes me happy, and relieved that it now seems possible for this whole transition to be ok for Brian.
Reason number 3 - I got online just a little while ago and received a letter from another old friend of mine, Josh. He told me how much it meant to him that I shared this blog with him, and admitted that he had heard the rumors and was happy to know some of the truth now. He opened up to me about some stuff too, which is totally the point of this blog. To relate to people, to hear their stories just as much as I tell mine. It was a wonderful letter and I'm so happy to have read it. If you read this post Josh, again THANK YOU.
Finally simple enough, I just woke up today and didn't feel that terrible feeling of dread as I often do. I will cross my fingers and hope that I continue to feel this way for awhile. I do think that opening up in this fashion does help with that. They say your only as sick as your secrets, so maybe something like this will help me unload some of the shit on my shoulders, and who know's maybe it will aid in me eventually learning how to forgive myself as well. Have a great day, and hey - if your local and free tonight, come to Laura's :O)
Krista 411 of the day
This is gonna be a quick one because I'm off to go pick Brian up - soooooooooo?
I'm a terrible singer, close to 100% tone deaf I believe. I always wanted to be a singer though, and day dreamt about how it would feel to be Whitney Houston on stage. I got a solo when I was in 7th grade I think it was, and it was a solo/duet with Dan Studnicky - I still remember all the words, lol. I think that the music teacher just felt sorry for me and gave me a solo then so she wouldn't have to do it later on when our concerts were considered more mature and serious. I also used to be OBSESSED with Debbie Gibson, anyone remember her? I also had a huge thing about Micheal Jackson, I shared that with my best friend Katy...and I was in rehab when he died, and yes I shed some tear, haha. Well that's some random, stupid shit to share, but it was oddly enough the first thing that came to mind. BTW, the solo was from the song "Angels Among Us." Goodbye for now, much love.
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