Another quick one.

Hey everyone. I'm staying in town today and taking a day off from the hospital. Mom is in isolation because she has flu-like symptoms so she's in a single room with a mask on - just what she needed, right? Her fever was down enough though this morning to do the Endoscopy and Colonoscopy. I don't have much faith that either will tell us why she's having such severe enimea - she's had all these tests done before, in the last 15 months actually, and nothing was figured out. I'm actually a little annoyed with Glens Falls Hospital, I just have a hard time understanding how it can be so hard to figure something like that out...but there is a very good chance that another hospital couldn't come to a diagnosis either - so we'll just again have to wait and see what happens. As for now though her blood levels and counts are holding stable since her last transfusion which was the first night she was there, so that's good, and it tells us that the problem isn't as critical as I guess it could be.

I'm not sure when she'll be home, I'm assuming not until Monday, but of course that's just a guess. She's just still so weak and uncomfortable I can't see her coming home before then, if even then. She has been on a clear liquids diet too for 4 days, so that isn't helping her energy level...but today I think they are going to reintroduce solids again. I'd like to see if also before she came home they could try to remove a little more fluid from her belly, it's obvious that there is still some left - and I'd like for when she came home there to be a clean slate - sort of speak - so we know for sure if she is still retaining fluids after the alcohol is eliminated from the equasion. We just filled out the paper work so I'm her health care proxy, which makes it easier to get information and get my opinions and or concerns heard, so I'll see what we can figure out before she does come home.

It might sound so stupid that we're considering this at such a hectic time...but dad and I are thinking of getting a puppy -- that will grow to be a small dog of course. Mom has wanted another dog since our last one died, and now we don't even have our cat so the house seems empty with no pets...especially to mom. It would also be great for Brian. I just think it would be good for her to have something to snuggle with, take care of and love...pets are very theraputic also. It's not something we'll just jump into, but I think it would really be good for her...also when she starts feeling a little better it might push her to get outside a little, possibly go walking again, stuff like that. So yeah it might sound nuts that we're contemplating it, but I think the benefits would outway the extra work and expense. We'd also obviously not spend a cent on the dog, my family likes MUTS, not the stupid pure breeds, lol.

I'm gonna get going. I have to run and get some juice at the store and head home to deal with my crazy child. It's so nasty outside, windy and freezing, that I can't exactly take him out to do anything, so I'll have to come up with other ways to get rid of some of that energy....

I'll write more tomorrow, if not again tonight. God know's I might want to escape Brian and Dad and come back over to use the computer later on, :O)

Take care, thanks again for your prayers, and much love.

Another long day....

Mom was supposed to have some tests done today but they couldn't because she was running a fever - which might be the flu - all she needs, eh? I just got back from picking Bri up at Jim's...god he's an asshole. He just got his taxes back, thousands I'm sure, and he didn't even give me a $20.00 to help get through until next week - he's just such a dick. I don't know how someone can care so less about someone else that they have been with for 8 years, and has only been 100% seperated from for a month...not to mention the fact he's been a part of my family for all that time and in my opinion should have already been down to see my mom at the hospital. AHHHHHHH I could go on forever, I just really wish that he could bring himself to be there for me and Brian and my parents right now when we could all really use the support - I don't know why he wouldn't want to - again I don't understand how he turned off all care or concern for me like a lightswitch, it blows my mind.

I could rant and rant about how much I wish everything was so different, but it won't change things, so it's pointless. As for now I'm going to do something that isn't pointless and get home to make dinner for my dad and Brian, then call mom to check in. I'll write tomorrow when I'm not so overwhelmed with so many different emotions. Thanks again for all your prayers and thoughts...call if you want.

Update...

I just got home from the hospital, it was a long day. My mom had the fluid drained from her stomach, it was just under 2 liters that was accumulated. She is having more tests tomorrow, but to try and figure out the enimia, not the liver issues. As far as that goes there won't be a straight answer until a little time passes. If she doesn't quit drinking then it's a fatal situation either way...but if she does stop 100% 1 of 2 things will happen...she will either get better and her liver will start functioning on some level again...or it won't. It sucks that we won't know exactly what is happening when she comes home, but that's just the way it is. We all pray that she has this one last chance, and it would just really suck if she came home and got sober and her liver was still failing...but at least there is a chance that that won't be the case and that her liver will begin working again once the alcohol is removed from the equasion.

I hate addiction, I hate alcoholism, I hate this disease. For people who aren't inflicted with this disease it has to seem so impossible to understand how anyone could do this to themselves...it's just not a choice once it gets to a certain point - you become powerless, the drug or drink takes total control...it's not just about will power. It's so hard to explain...but to sum it up I just really hate it.

My mom and I also have such a rocky relationship, that I so desperately want to fix. My brain is programmed to know how to handle my dad's illness, his sickness, my constant concern regarding it. My brain isn't programmed to deal with my mom being physically ill like this. My head and my heart have always been conflicted when it comes to our relationship, it's just so hard. I just so hope that I have another chance to build the relationship I've always wanted with my mom. She's a truly amazing person, so loving and caring, and has done so much for me...she's just been sick my whole life - like my dad - but in a different way that caused different emotions. Again it's impossible to put into words, and I know I'm rambling...so I'm just going to sign off.

I wanted to just update you on the situation, and let you know that we have a shot here and to all hope for the best. Thanks for all your concern and support...much love.

...

No real news. I spoke with her GI specialist today at the hospital and they are going to run a bunch more tests, drain her belly, test the fluid, and see what exactly is happening. He said it looks like there are 4 or 5 liters of fluid in her stomach right now, so it's obviously uncomfortable and painful. It looks like this can either be acute liver disease and or failure, or chronic - we are hoping for acute because if it isn't then a transplant would be the only option, all they could do for her other then that would be bandaids, again we will just have to wait.

It's a lot to deal with obviously, but we're holding up as best as we can. I wish Jim was more helpful and or empathetic about the situation, but as of now he really hasn't been...but maybe he'll stand up and do the right things and be there for the family he has called his for 8 years, but I can't bank on his support and comfort so I'm finding other ways to deal and other people to talk to...including my counselor who I went and saw this morning before going to the hospital. So it's all I can do. Thanks to all the people who have been in touch and been praying for my mom.

It sounds cheasy but I just keep saying that damn serenity prayer they teach you in AA...God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Feel free to call the house, I'll be in all night - and I can't call long distance so it limits my phone usage. Love to you all and I will keep you posted.

My mom

My mom went to the hospital yesterday by ambulance...she was admitted. She received 3 blood transfusions last night and is undergoing many tests. Her stomach is very distended which might indicate something is terribly wrong with her liver. Things are pretty scary at the moment, so please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

Frustration

I'm frustrated because Jim doesn't call when he says he will, or see Brian when he says he will...and Brian ends up disapointed, confused and sad.

I'm frustrated that I don't have primary physical custody - which by the way I am going to repetition the courts very soon to try and obtain that.

I'm frustrated that my dad is sick.

I'm frustrated that my mom is in such poor health and doesn't choose to go to the hospital when she should, and that the doctors lable her a drunk as soon as she does get to the ER and she isn't taken seriously. I'm frustrated that there is something wrong with her health and all the tests and all the hospital stays haven't figured it out. I'm frustrated that in this year alone she's had a dozen blood transfusions to give her a quick fix - cover it like a bandaid and then she's sick again in a month or two.

I'm frustrated that I'm always broke, that my parents are broke, that Jim refuses to help because "it's not his problem anymore," or "you have food stamps what else does Brian really need?" Or "I've always been the financial contributer, it's your turn."

I'm frustrated that I have to wait to start work and begin making money.

I'm frustrated that there are people who are so hypocritical and sit on high horses like their shit doesn't stink....when they are either shitty people, drunks, addicts themselves, liars, ect. But because my shit was so exposed and because I've had such consequences they are better then me, and I'm the piece of shit when they all have their own dirty little secrets.

I'm frustrated that I have such a pathetic social life.

I'm frustrated because I can't help but miss Jim and because there are times when I'm upset and I know he's the only person that would really understand, but I know that he doesn't want to hear it - because again, it's not his problem anymore to give a shit. I disgust myself that I'm pathetic enough to want his affection, shoulder, ear, support, attention, etc when he has zero desire to give it.

I'm frustrated that after 7+ years I don't know how to "be" without Jim in my life. That after so many shitty things that have happened, after all the hurt, lies, and knowing that it's over that I can't just let go.

I'm frustrated that because I've centered myself so much around Jim for so many years that he is the only person that truly knows me, the good, bad and ugly...that he's the only person that I feel understands my life...that I feel such a need to talk to him when I'm upset, scared, lonely, etc. I'm angry at myself for allowing him to be the center of my universe for so long that I isolated from so many other people that really used to know me, and care about me.

I'm frustrated that my son doesn't have a better life, that he doesn't have everything he could ever wish for, that he isn't around other kids all the time - because I don't have a bunch of friends with kids, or because I haven't tried harder in the past to get him around kids his age.

I'm frustrated that he spends as much time as he does with adults - two being his grandparents that love him more then life itself, that are amazing with him, but two adults that are sick and I know won't be around for years and years to come - and that he'll have to deal with that at such a young age.

Have I mentioned that I'm frustrated? So as much as it sucks, that's just where I am today...maybe it's all this rain that's gotten me in such a wonderful mood.

a dull one

I'm not sure what to write about today. It's hard because out of respect for other people I can't get into some things that are happening in my life, because it's not my place to expose anyone elses dirty laundry, ya know? So all I can really say is that I'm sick of being at my house and I cannot wait to start working. It's just hard with my dad being sick, and my mom sure as hell isn't in good health either - so it's a stressful and depressing environment that I try to avoid as much as possible for both myself and Brian.

This weather has been amazing, if winter was like this all season long I would not mind it what so ever. We have just enough snow to play and to make it look pretty, but the temp. has been in the 30's so I don't mind actually being outside...I hope it stays like this till April, lol.

Wow, I have so little to say today that I'm commenting on the weather, pathetic Krista!

It's day 3 on the Suboxone and things are going well, no adverse side affects, cravings are eliminated, I'm feeling pretty decent - which is just awesome.

I don't have time to really get into much more of anything else, so I'm just gonna keep this one short and boring. If I get back online tonight I'll do a good one :O)

Krista 411 -
I used to pitch in softball, it was the only sport I was even semi good at...I'm not so athletic. Yup that's it for now, haha

My 4 year old just kicked my ass...

I'm only 26 but right now I feel 70. First I did 3 huge loads on laundry, obviously including folding and putting away. Then I got Brian all dressed in winter gear to go play in the snow. Then he wanted to go sledding so we walked up to the school. We then walked up the big hill behind the soccer field like a dozen times before his sled popped. He then insisted we roll down instead, so of course I accomidated. Then it was the playground that caught his interest, so we did that. Finally we walked home. Now I feel like an old lady, every part of my body aches, isn't that pathetic at 26 I feel this way, I must be more out of shape then I previously imagined, lol.

I ended our adventure with a nice, long, HOT, relaxing shower and got dressed in nice clean clothes...and escaped over to Zat's for a little while to hide from anymore activites my kid might have planned, haha.

Today is day 2 on Suboxone. I feel good. No cravings what so ever, my head feels a little less jumbled, and a side affect that I see as a bonus is that it gives me a little burst of extra energy, which I can always use some of. So yes it's only been 48 hours, but so far so good and I'm hopeful that it will continue to make me feel better and better.

Other then that there isn't much to report. Jim and I are trying to be civil to one another, I do much better at that then he does at times. We had a little argument the night before last that left me crying like a teenage girl who got ditched at the prom, but other then that incident it's been mellow. He wants as little to do with me as possible right now, which at times seems cruel but I understand his logic. We have gone back and forth so many times, and our cycle begins by small talk and little hang out sessions, and ends with us right back in the thick of it until we fight and seperate again. So although I take it personally, and it can hurt that he barely wants to look at me or speak to me, I have to admit that I understand why it has to be that way...at least until we can handle being friends, or even close ex's and not reverting right back into old habits.

Tonight I have nothing planned, which kinda blows...since it's Sat. and all. Dreaded Wheat, a local band that I LOVE, is playing downtown at Laura's and I would love to attend...but I have zero funds and no one to really go with, so oh well. Soon enough I'll be working and have money in my pocket on a regular basis, and hopefully a social life to go along with it. Like I said in my earlier blog today, I really feel like the pieces are starting to come together...slowly but it's starting.

I'm to tired to do my Krista 411 today so all I got is....my favorite music is the cheasy shit like the stuff they play on 100.3 - I eat it up. My favorite restaurant is Dragon Lee, it doesn't get better then that. Finally my lucky number is 47 - I was asked that question years ago in elementary school and I didn't have a lucky number so I picked how old my dad was, and it just kinda stuck. lol. Alright that's enough worthless info on yours truly.

Love to you all.

Oh and a quote that I really love is - All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream - Edgar Allen Poe

real short one.

My life is like a puzzle with 15,000 pieces...the good news is that I have a big section put together and it's getting easier to find where the rest goes.

My son is getting sick of watching me on the computer so we are going sledding, I'll write more later.

Also, I see that I keep getting new "followers" thanks for that, I love the support...pass the link on to your friends - even if they don't know me...maybe it'll get bigger and bigger :O)

I actually have a few minutes to blog....

Hello everyone : Well I actually have a few minutes, or as long as Brian can remain patient, here at Zat and Sass's, to write a little. I'm sure you all have lost sleep since my posts have been short or non-existant this last week :O) But I have really have missed this little routine I have started, so here I go.

The last real blog I wrote I said that I would begin to get down to the hard stuff, filling you all in on the things that I swore no one would ever know about...when I was using I did any and everything I could to keep my secrets to myself, and not expose anyone else to my life. I never thought there would come a day where I would be open to that chapter in my life, and willing to discuss some of the things I am most ashamed of. A saying I hear constantly at meetings and in outpatient is "your only as sick as your secrets." No that doesn't mean I have to discuss and share EVERYTHING with everyone who might stumble across this blog...any no it isn't necessary for me to be as open as I'm being, many people think I'm crazy for doing this, putting it all out there. But I just lived for so long hiding, lying, pretending to be someone else, isolating, shameful, ect...that it's so theraputic for me to do this. It doesn't scare me that someday this might come back to haunt me, because I never plan on hiding who I am again...and until I die I will be an addict, hopefully I will just never be an active addict again. It doesn't define me, but it's a big part of who I am, how I will live my life...so no I am not worried that someone will stumble across this years from now and it will be used against me or anything like that - because the people who know me years from now will know who I am, and some things about my past...it is just such an awesome feeling to be totally out there, to not feel like you have any secrets, to expose yourself in such a raw and sometimes scary way...but this is me, this is my life, this is the good, bad and horrific - take me or leave me for who I am, what I've done, and how far I've come. I feel like this is the best approach for me, so that's why I have chosen to do this.

Anyhow - I'm going to tell you all about June 6th 2009 (the most horrible day of my life.) Let me just say that I have had some horrible days, I've seen my grandfather die lying next to me in a bed. I lost a 29 year old friend that I loved, confided in, depended on since I was 16, trusted, needed, dated, and again really loved. I've seen terrible things happen to family, my mom, my dad. I've been heartbroken, scared, sick, devistated...but never in my life have I felt the amount of trauma that I did on this day. Knowing that I put myself in that position, and that I hurt and scared the most important piece in my life (Brian) is obviously a hard pill to swallow. I also think that I don't really care if I'm judged, or looked down upon disclosing all that I have, or telling everyone what a piece of shit I really was is because - no one can hate me more then I hate myself for what happened. No one can be more disapointed, angry, disgusted, then I am in myself. Almost 8 months clean, and many counselors helping or trying to help me do something that is so important, and I am not even close...that something is Forgiving myself. I am not there yet, and that might be another reason that I'm not scared to put it all out there, because no one can think anything worse or different of me then I think of myself. Luckily I haven't gotten that response though, I've received love, kindness, forgiveness, understanding, openmindedness, pride, and non judgement from the majority of people that I've come in contact with since I've been home, and in all the people that have written since I began this blog - and for that I am eternally grateful. There I go again, rambling...lol.

June 6th. Westie and I were sick. His dealer called and said that if we wanted something we had to get there as quick as possible. I had no one to watch Brian, and Westie had no liscense or vehicle. I made a terrible decision and brought him with us. We told him that we were going to Warrensburg to get McDonalds and that we would take him to a playground afterwards. We drove down there. Westie dropped Brian and I off in a safe neighborhood so he could go meet the guy without us. (It sounds so pathetic but in my warped mind I felt like I was terrible for bringing him, but that I could protect him from anything that had to do with the drug part of the trip, that for him it would just be a ride and a trip to a playground and a happy meal...so I convinced myself that it was ok.) Westie showed back up after just a few minutes and we got in the car. He only was able to get 4 bags, which was just enough to get me unsick. He called another dealer and said he could get more from him and it would be just a quick run up the road. So he gave me the 4 bags and I went behind a tree in a parking lot and did them to get "unsick" but to my surprise actually got a little high too. See in the end of my addiction I barely ever got high, I usually just had enough to not get sick, and to feel normal...the high wasn't something I was ever even expecting at the end...just the not feeling terribly sick was what I usually was able to obtain. Then he dropped us back of and drove away. Since I wasn't withdrawing anymore I was all about going for a little walk, chit chatting with Brian, even running around playing games. There was a wedding going on up the road at a church and I even pointed out how beautiful the bride was, and we talked about how mommy wished that her and daddy had had a big wedding. Then we sat down next to a tree and waited for Westie. He pulled up about 5 minutes later. We got into the car, and Westie handed him a happy meal that he had picked up on the way back to get us. I was in the passenger seat, Westie was in the driver seat...and he was putting the bag's and the rigs away and counting them...all the stuff was on his lap. All of a sudden I looked behind the car and saw two cops running full speed at my car. They pulled us out and had us handcuffed within seconds. Westie kept saying that all the drugs were his, and that I had nothing to do with it. They put him in one car, and me in Brian in another. Brian was terrified, I was terrified. We got to the station and I found out that I was being charged with Endangering the Welfare of a child...I forgot how it was worded, but not physically endangering, emotionally...it said something like "acting in a manner that was not emotionally acceptable for a childs wellbeing." Something like that. They handcuffed me to a bench, and Brian sat next to me eating doritos and talking to me. I kept telling him that I was ok, that Westie was ok, that he was ok, and that everything would be ok. I was delusional - I had never been in trouble before, I knew that even that charge was only a misdemenor, I thought I would be released with a court date at a later time. I had no idea what was about to happen, it never crossed my mind, I was so nieve.

Within 15 minutes to men in suits showed up and told me that they were from Schenectady social services, CPS...child protective services. They told me that it was too late to contact anyone in my family to pick him up...that it was a weekend...and that he would have to go with them until at least Monday. This was 5 PM on Sat. At that moment I fell apart which obviously scared Brian more. They told me to calm down for his sake, but I couldn't pull myself together. Brian crawled up on me and wrapped his arms around my neck, screaming. I told him it was going to be ok, and that I would see him soon, and that he had to be a strong boy until I could pick him up, or his dad. They had to physically rip him off of me and carry him outside into a car. At that moment I collapsed. I had never been away from him, only 3 nights when I went to detox, never before then and never after. A cop actually had to scoop me off of the floor and try to calm me down, which he couldn't. I threw up, hyperventilated, I lost it.

I then saw a judge who set a $500 bail and told me that I was going to jail. And I will continue the story later at another time.

For me to even relive that, to type it is so painful. I play it out almost every night in my head, and it never gets easier. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, post tramatic stress disorder, because of those few hours. There are times when Brian cries and I start shaking, and having an panic attack and need to seperate myself from him. I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me, I did this, I did this horrible thing that made my child have to feel such pain...I'm just trying to get you to understand what happened.

I will continue later about what happened with me from there but it's important that I tell you how Brian made out in those next few days. He went to a foster family for 2 days, who he's told me was kind to him, let him watch cartoons, and sat up with him all night when he was scared. I wish I could thank them. Then Monday morning Jim had a CPS worker from our county come to Gregs house and approve it for temp. custody to be granted to Jim until further investigations were conducted - just to get him home ASAP. So as soon as they got the ok, Greg and Jim drove to Schenectady at their Social Service building and picked up our son. He was physically in good shape, and even emotionally pretty well. He asked a lot of questions, he asked if I was ok, if Westie was ok, he asked if I would ever be home again, and if he would even get to see me again...but for the most part once he got home, back to all the people that loved him, he did pretty well, was pretty strong. He of course missed me and cried for me, but everyone banded together to do all they could to keep him busy and comfortable and secure. Again like I said, I will continue this at another time.

I'm physically shaking just from writing this all and living it again in my mind...but I'm glad that I did, because now people know the truth. Like I said there were so many worse stories going around that I needed to tell this...as horrific as this was, there is no need for people to think of it as being any worse, it was terrible enough. I know this is a hard thing to read and then not think ill of me after. When a child is emotionally harmed like that you have every right to be disgusted with the person who caused that to happen. But that's part of what I'm doing here, so I had to.

Please know 100% that since I've been home I have done all in my power to be the mom he deserves...and to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again. I can't make up for it, but I can give him the life he deserves now and hope that he remembers the good things more then the bad when he grows up. I love my son, he is my entire heart, I would die for him in a second without thinking twice about it...I always have...but I made some fucking terrible choices and did a lot of damage when I was powerless to my addiction, and when I was as fucked up as I was. Ok that's it for now.

ARRRRG

Jim's supposed to take Brian today, or tonight...Brian is all excited...now it's 1:30 and no word from Jim to confirm anything......now Bri is all upset because he thought he could see his dad, and misses him. I can't give him a answer that he will, incase he doesn't. It just upsets me to see Brian upset. The kids been through enough to have any upheaval that the divorce will be bringing. So lets hope that Jim gets ahold of me, picks him up - or even makes me bring him there - and Brian gets to see his dad that he misses. But that was just a quick vent, I have to run....but if I am without my baby (4 year old :O) tonight then I'll hop back over here and write more, ya know, like a real blog post unlike what I've been doing for the last 4 days.

Luv

I've been slacking...

It's been 2 days without blogging, again I suck :O) Things have been okay, just hectic. My counselor called me yesterday because I hadn't been there in a couple days. I filled him in on the whole situation, and I was shocked to hear that he was willing to put his personal opinions aside and support my decision...so I can stay put and comfortable at the place I've been at for quite awhile and not have to adjust to a whole new group of people. I also finally met with the owner of The Barking Spider, and I DEFINENTLY GOT THE JOB! I will be starting at only about 3 or 4 shifts a week, but that will pick up once it gets going and all the kinks are worked out and it's a steady business...which is perfect because I will be able to hold on to my medicaid for a little while longer. I have only a few minutes before I have to leave my grandmothers, so I have to go...I just wanted to check in quick and let you all know that I'm ok, just a little busy. I will def. check in within the next day or two though, I will have to tell you how Friday goes, which is the day I begin my Suboxone.

I gotta run, love to you.

Real quick update about the Suboxone plan...

I spoke with my Suboxone doctor, and scheduled my first appointment. Next Friday it is, and I'm excited. Although I sometimes go back and forth about this decision, I made it and now I plan on standing by it. I do believe that it is the right thing for me to do, so in 5 days this new phase of my journey will begin. I will obviously keep you posted.

I suppose it's about time I start talking about the hard stuff :

(Big breath in...hold...exhale through the nose...repeat) Alright so that's a tad rediculous and a little dramatic - but I really am nervous about this part of my "blogging project." I had mentioned in an earlier post that there are a lot of different rumors going around and rumors that have been around since I was arrested, about what really happend that day. See, the truth is horrific enough, but of course people as a whole (I've been guilty of it too) tend to blow stories like this into even bigger and badder then what the reality is and was. So if I truly want to be honest and open here then it really is about time that I tell the facts, as awful as they are, about what really happend on June 6th, 2009, the day I was arrested. (Big breath in...) If I want anyone to have any chance of understanding any part of my story then I have to begin before that day and in the next few posts here I will attempt to tell the majority of what it will take to make anyone understand the progression of what has occured in the last 4 years of my life. In my first blog, I copied and pasted a speach that I had written for outpatient, and to give to my primary care physician...if you read that it gives you a broad, condensed version of my story, so if you have the time to really try to be filled in on everything then I really would start with that.

I cannot possibly explain everything so here is a quick time-line, and then I'll just have to pick sections of it to write about in greater detail.

July 2005 - Brian was born and I took my first few vicodins from my parents medicine cabinet because I legitimately was in immense pain. I had never taken them before and had no idea what can of worms these first few innocent pills would open. The next few months I would continue taking one or two pills a day, and now it wasn't for pain it was for the other side effects. I was alone with Brian a lot when he was an infant, I was slightly depressed, overwhelmed and lonely. The Vicodins made me feel euphoric, motivated to do stuff about the house, numb to all the things in my life that weren't going well. Suddenly I handled being alone so much better, I didn't mind that I was sleep deprived and taking care of Brian, I loved the motivation it gave me to clean the house, and do anything else productive. They gave me energy, and a false sense of happiness - I immediately felt like I was a better mom, daughter, wife, human when I had these pills in my system.

February 2006 - We moved into an apartment in Chestertown, and I found a Dr. that was extremely loose with his script pad and obtainted my very own perscription of Vicodin and my habit really began to grow. I was getting full blown "sick" when I was without, feeling like I was dying and doing anything I could to avoid the withdrawls...I began stealing pills from my dad in much bigger quantities because opiate tolerances grow very rapidly. I worked a little at a movie rental store, but called in if I was without my pills and unable to function, eventually quitting the job. Jim did a short stint at Lincoln Logs, which also didn't last long - soon we were evicted and back living with my parents.

2007 (non-specifically) My tolerance was getting out of control. 10mg Vicodins generally cost $5.00/pill when you purchase them illegally...and for me to get high, or even to a point to just feel "normal" it would cost me an easy $40.00 a day...not to mention that Jim was eating them too. I won't get into Jim's personal story with pills very much, but he did use them much like I did - but there was always a difference between us and our addictions. I always said that if it was alcohol he would have been the drunk and I would have been the alcoholic - although he was physically addicted the mental part was no where near how controlling as it was for me. When he was "sick" he would just go to bed, I would do anything I could to figure a way out to get something. That's his shit though and I won't go far into it, but small things are important to touch on just to explain my situation. I also stopped being scared of taking other pharmy's...I would eat any opiate I could get my hands on, such as Percocet, Oxycontin, Fentanyl, Morphine, Methadone, ect. By taking much stronger pills or pain patches my tolerance grew and grew...meaning the withdrawls were scarier when I went through them, it cost more to get high, basically more and more things were getting out of control.

Then we moved again to another apartment, on the same "block" as my parents house. It was a great place, perfect for us and Brian, and affordable. Jim was working at the ski shop at Gore and we started hanging out with Greg and Westie most of the time. *Westie was the guy I got arrested with, *Greg was a dear friend who also used, but now lives in Kentucky and has cleaned up completely for even a few months more then I have. Soon I tried heroin for the first time, snorting. I had always said "at least I'm not a heroin addict" and then all of a sudden, just like that, I was. I had been extremely sick one day, and I was given a tiny "bump" just to take the edge off, and not only did I get unsick, I got high...which felt exactly like it did with pills. Again I justified what was happening because I truly believed that I was a better mom when I was high, and whenever I was without I was so sick I could barely get off the couch, much less play with Brian the way I should have been.

2008 - The heroin made the pills obselete, and I was now doing dope like I had been taking pills. I also was making the drive to Schenectady often, for a few free bags I would drive Westie down there to pick up. Jim also was using...again there was a difference though that is hard to explain but was always present. He also made himself perfectly clear where he drew the line, which was 100% with needles. He warned me and our friends who did use needles that if I even did it he would leave me and kill them for helping me do it. Eventually I needed to get high badly enough that I did not care about what Jim might do and started shooting up. I hid it for a decent amount of time, and I'm still not sure how I got away with it for as long as I did, but I did.

I went to Glens Falls hospital with Greg in August of 2008. I found an amazing doctor who actually was allowed to write scripts of Suboxone and got a 2 week supply so I could detox myself at home. I had NEVER spent a night away from Brian since he was born, so this seemed like the best way to go about detoxing, so I could stay home. I was clean for maybe 3 weeks, then picked up again. Jim and I also started our "on again, off again" relationship. He was leaving and staying with friends on a regular basis, and we were fighting constantly. I also started going behind his back again and getting high the way I wanted to.

2009 - Jim and I's marriage was a total mess. I made the decision to go to Saint Peters in Albany, a detox. I was there for 5 days and I wanted so badly to go to an inpatient rehab, I knew 5 days was no where near enough time for me to even have a chance...but no one back home made that seem like a possibility because of Brian being so devistated when I wasn't home. So I went home, and was high within a few weeks. Jim finally left for what I believed was for good. He moved in with Greggy Poops, a very good friend of my entire families, a different Greg then our other friend. I tried going to meetings, and started bringing Westie with me because he was trying to get clean as well...he had gotten arrested back in Jan. and was awaiting sentencing but knew that either way he was going to prison for a little while, and did not want to risk having to kick in jail...so he was trying hard to cut the shit out. Long story short one night on our way to a meeting, I drove right past exit 18 and told him that we were going to Schenectady.

There began my hardcore, no holds bar, leap off the deap end. I went from a drug addict to a full blown junkie, from March until June 6th I was 100% consumed with the buying, using and finding ways to get more lifestyle. I was so out of control and powerless over the situation that I think I just gave up and gave in. It sounds weak, and pathetic I know...and many people don't believe that it's a disease, or that you really are powerless - many people believe that it all comes down to willpower and strength, it truly doesn't. I didn't wake up one morning and say " I want to be a heroin addict." I had always believed that I would have been the most amazing mother in the world, a perfect soccer mom, housewife, suburban queen. The domino affect that happend after my first few pills had so much power over me. I was living every day - especially at this point - terrified, knowing that I was going to die or end up in prison. I was scared all the time, I was more ashamed then anyone who hasn't been there can imagine.

Westie and I began spending 24/7 together, mostly as friends who had no one else but in part as a dysfunctional drug addicted couple. Along with us was my innocent 3 year old son. It's hard to break the stereotypes of what you believe a heroin addict looks like, or how they act. I wasn't "nodded off" 20 hours a day with a needle sticking out of my arm. We didn't neglect him as you see in horrific movie scenes, with children deprived of clothes, food, or left alone unbathes for hours on end. When I wasn't dopesick, when we weren't sick, we were taking him to playgrounds, going hiking, throwing stones in the river. He was exposed to my lifestyle more then any child should ever be...but I tried as hard as I could at that time to have him live the most normal life as he could with me as a mother. He was living without structure although, because his mom's routine depended upon whether or not she had drugs that day. So no he wasn't malnurished, tattered clothed, wandering the roads alone while I was fucked up...but he was not being raised the way a beautiful 3 year old should have been being raised.

Phew, ok that's enough for now. Tomorrow I will do what is hardest for me and describe what happened the day of my arrest. I heard one of the rumor's though is that I was found by the cops with Westie passed out in my car with needles sticking out of our arms, and that we had been that way for 10 hours with Brian in the back seat....let me put that rumor to rest right now and assure you all that that was not what occured. Like I said, the truth is horrible enough, there is no need to make it even worse.

I have written long enough, and I hope that I didn't jump all over the place too much as to where you can't even understand the basics, the way things went from bad to worse. It's hard trying to fill you in on 4 years without boring you to tears, typing so much my fingers bleed, ect....but it's important to me that before I continue writing about my life now, that you know all know about how it was, how bad it got, and how big the hole really is that I'm trying to climb out of. Thank you all for taking the time to know. Until next time ... :O)

Quick Krista 411 of the day...
When I was 15 a friend of mine and I watched a pageant on TV. She was popular in general, but mostly with the boys - they all loved her. Well as a semi-joke we both entered the pageant...she didn't even get a call back, while I (the school outcast) got a call back and a slot in the actual pageant...which was Miss Teen NY. I couldn't believe it - I had never thought of doing anything like that, and questioned whether or not it would be something I'd even enjoy doing....but I did. Come on, I was 1 out of 52 girls in the state who got chosen, out of thousands of applicants, I was so excited and proud I just had to do it. It was in Albany, and I had a blast. I met some awesome girls, and lived like I was part of a huge pj party for 3 days....on the final day was the pageant, and I wasn't in the top 12 so my journey ended there - I did find out though that I ended up in 16th place, which I was pretty proud of. For some reason it's embarrassing sometimes to even mention that to people, it's not like I bring it up in every day conversation...and I don't know why I feel that way, as I said I should be proud of it, and it was something I had so much fun doing, and something that gave me a little confidence for the first time in my life. Okay so there's that, lol.

PS This thing doesn't have a spell checker, so I'm sorry if there are a lot of typo's and misspelled words.

A fun night...

First off I must admit that I have allowed my excitement to get the best of me. I misunderstood something that my Aunt had told me about her discussion with the owner of the Barking Spider...he said that he'd try to get in touch with me today, and TRY to get me on the first week's schedule. So although it looks like I have a great shot, it's not 100% set in stone yet, I'll be sure to tell you all when I know more. This is a tad embarrassing, but it's so me to jump to conclusions...and like I said let my excitement take over, lol. Again though my chances are looking awesome, and I have a strong feeling that it will all fall into place.

Anyways I had a great time last night. Anyone who hasn't tried out the new restaurant at Laura's needs to do so. I was so impressed by the menu, service and how that old apartment was transformed into this beautiful restaurant. Then of course we went downstairs and had a great time, seeing some people I hadn't seen in forever and catching up with Molly. More than anything else of the night it was Molly that made it phenominal, and reconnecting with her was more then awesome. I got home around midnight, hung out and went to bed and slept like a baby. So yay for my first night back out with people who aren't in a rehab, or massive drug addicts, lol. That sounds terrible, and it's obviously not like I don't love and appreciate all the people I've met during this journey, but it is nice to talk to people about things other then all the heavy shit I talk about all week at outpatient.

Again I got online today and received some awesome letters from people who have been reading this. People I went to elementary school with, and very good old friends, it's shocking but so great. I think I'm picking my dad up from the hospital today. They couldn't figure out what caused him feeling like he did, other then of course that this is just the next step of his disease...and although that is so hard to hear, on some level I have to admit that I knew it was coming. So we have some choices to make about where to go from here, possibly hospice? I have to go though, I'll probably write again later, if not I'll of course write again tomorrow.

Krista fact of today :O)
I'll drop some names here, which I'm not sure is an alright thing to do or not...I'm assuming it's fine I suppose until I hear otherwise. I also got a short note from my old friend Eli today, with just his phone number and a greeting telling me to call anytime. I had a rough time in elementary and middle school when it came to friends/boys/everything. I wasn't the most "accepted" person of my grade to say the least. When I got in 10th grade though that really started to drastically change...and a big part of that was due to some friendships I made with the then's seniors. Eli, Ray, Dan and Ryan became a huge part of my life, and to this day whether I've talked to them in years or not I love them all very much. The 5 of us did a lot of stuff together, hung out a lot, and pretty much just had fun. More then fun though their friendships meant so much to me and I felt so lucky to have them in my life. So needless to say it was great to get that little note from Eli, and although it's hard with the 5 of us being in different area's, stages in our lives, ect - I hope to try to get in touch as much as possible with them all again. That's it, I guess it was just on my mind because I was so happy to even get a small note from him. There have been many times since 10th grade that they have been there for me, during big and little things in my life. Quick example - when Jim and I were still just dating there was a period when we broke up for a short time. I was of course devistated. Eli was going to Plattsburg College then, and I was talking to him on AIM bitching and crying about the situation. He left his apartment within hours and drove all the way to North Creek to pick my depressed ass up, and brought me to Plattsburg for the weekend to just get away and have fun. It is things like that in my opinion that stick in my mind when I think of old friends and people I miss having in my life. Ok g-bye.

I don't know about tomorrow, or even later today - but for this moment I am happy (which is thrilling for me.)

Hello out there!

Right after I blogged last night something shitty happened and I was told to not come visit a friend of mine because her boyfriend didn't want me anywhere near her. The two of us had used together, and she just in this last month went to a detox and admitted to him the extent of her problem. You would think that I would be a perfect person to talk to her now, knowing 100% how she feels both physically and emotionally. I also am very scared for her because I know with no uncertainty that a 4 day stay at Saint Peters Detox is not enough for her to even give her a chance at longterm sobriety. She needs a rehab, she needs more intensive help. So I understand why her boyfriend wouldn't trust that the two of us wouldn't get together and fuck up...but why wouldn't I be welcome in their home if he was there to keep and eye on the situation, to hear how I'm doing, and that I truly am clean? I also find it very hypocrytical because he took part in her drinking out in public and I'm sure in private while she was recently pregnant, which believe it or not, but it would be safer for a woman to shoot heroin while pregnant then drink, for the baby at least. Alcohol is the most detrimental substance possible for a fetus. Anyhow I was offended and a little hurt, but again I see where he is coming from. I just would love to shake him though and warn him that this is not over for her or his new family...and tell him that she desperately needs more help then she's received thus far. He thinks that it all comes down to will-power, "just say no", and him keeping a very close eye on her - but that's not even close...it takes so much more to maintain sobriety. People who have months and months in programs and counseling still fuck up, so what do you think the odds are if you haven't? But enough about that, my title said that I was happy so allow me to explain that more instead of dwelling on something negative.

Last night after I dropped Brian off, blogged, and was rejected (lol) I descided to call my friend Molly, just to chat. We've been friends since kindergarten and at times have been extremely close. Since adult-hood we've been sparatic in our friendship, bad at keeping in touch, and both of us are bad about balancing our relationships, our friendships, our family and our jobs. Usually friendships are the first to get cut out of the schedule and equation. So I called her and we talked for a good 30 minutes on the phone before I pointed out how stupid this was and that she only lived 8 miles away, and that I was free for the night, and descided to just drive over to talk to her in person. I did just that, and we spent almost 3 hours comfy on her couch talking...I filled her in on the whole story, starting with the early years of my addiction. She knew very little about that part of my life, and when I did run into her or randomly talk to her throughout it all, I obviously didn't mention it. She also had heard so many different stories about what happened the day I got arrested that I wanted to tell her the true story, not the gossip people create. By the way - I definently didn't get arrested because Westie and I were found in my car passed out with needles hanging out of our arms while Brian was in the back seat - which she told me was the story she had been told. See, the truth is terrible enough, why make it worse? But anyhow we had an amazing conversation, and ended it with big hugs and I love you's. I had mentioned how shitty my social life is earlier in the night, and right before I left she came up with a fantastic idea! Today is her birthday, and she invited me to go to dinner with just her at Laura's upstairs to celebrate, then downstairs to get together with some of her friends and just hang out. Her boyfriend works there, so he has a running tab that he puts money towards weekly, and is in the positive...and since she knows I'm dead broke, she offered to put the whole night on their tab and treat me :O) Needless to say I'm excited to get out and socialize, and I'm so grateful to her for even thinking of this idea...I think it's exactly what I need to reintegrate back into society. That's a chunk of the reason why I'm happy today.

Reason number 2 - Brian must have not had any problems last night because Jim never called, and even though I told him to tough it out if Brian got upset, he wouldn't have and I would have been contacted if Bri had gotten upset at all. That makes me happy, and relieved that it now seems possible for this whole transition to be ok for Brian.

Reason number 3 - I got online just a little while ago and received a letter from another old friend of mine, Josh. He told me how much it meant to him that I shared this blog with him, and admitted that he had heard the rumors and was happy to know some of the truth now. He opened up to me about some stuff too, which is totally the point of this blog. To relate to people, to hear their stories just as much as I tell mine. It was a wonderful letter and I'm so happy to have read it. If you read this post Josh, again THANK YOU.

Finally simple enough, I just woke up today and didn't feel that terrible feeling of dread as I often do. I will cross my fingers and hope that I continue to feel this way for awhile. I do think that opening up in this fashion does help with that. They say your only as sick as your secrets, so maybe something like this will help me unload some of the shit on my shoulders, and who know's maybe it will aid in me eventually learning how to forgive myself as well. Have a great day, and hey - if your local and free tonight, come to Laura's :O)

Krista 411 of the day
This is gonna be a quick one because I'm off to go pick Brian up - soooooooooo?
I'm a terrible singer, close to 100% tone deaf I believe. I always wanted to be a singer though, and day dreamt about how it would feel to be Whitney Houston on stage. I got a solo when I was in 7th grade I think it was, and it was a solo/duet with Dan Studnicky - I still remember all the words, lol. I think that the music teacher just felt sorry for me and gave me a solo then so she wouldn't have to do it later on when our concerts were considered more mature and serious. I also used to be OBSESSED with Debbie Gibson, anyone remember her? I also had a huge thing about Micheal Jackson, I shared that with my best friend Katy...and I was in rehab when he died, and yes I shed some tear, haha. Well that's some random, stupid shit to share, but it was oddly enough the first thing that came to mind. BTW, the solo was from the song "Angels Among Us." Goodbye for now, much love.

My first night without Brian, should I be thrilled or upset?

I don't know how to answer that question - should I be thrilled to have a night off mommy duty, or should I be crying and all upset? So far I'm definently somewhere in between which I think is a good place to be. Yes I'm sad that he's not going to be home tonight - but this is a good thing, all 3 of us have to get used to the way our life is and is going to be from now on. I'm obviously not worried about Brian's well-being Jim is a good dad and will take great care of him...I'm just a little worried that Bri will get a little weepy at bedtime and homesick. I used to get homesick when I was little and it's such a shitty feeling, I just hope he has so much fun that he doesn't miss me at all. I told Jim that even if he does get upset not to call me to come get him. It might sound harsh but if I were to run over and pick him up this time he would expect that a tear could make me come get him any time from here on out. And like I said we all have to get used to these new circumstances, especially Brian, so now is as good a time as any to start. I just wish I had any kind of social life so I could take advantage of the night off and enjoy myself, that will come soon I hope though. But for tonight I'll be home with my mom watching tv, so thrilling, right?

My dad is still in the hospital. They are running some more tests, like MRI, another Cat Scan, and other random things, so we don't really know anything...except that it doesn't look like he had any kind of stroke. That is good and bad news, which might sound crazy, how could it possibly be bad news that he DIDN'T have a stroke. Well he was disoriented, and having such a terrible few days before he left for the hospital. If it had been a stroke there would be a reason for it, other then "It's just how this disease progresses, so we're sending him home to progress." I don't know why I quoted that, no one said that, but it could be the case, it's actually very likely that that is the case...and that scares me. I've been dealing with my dad being sick my entire life, literally, I have never known him to be healthy. I have gotten used to his physical limitations, and what it's like to be around him when he's so out of breath he can't talk, on oxygen, ect...the normal things that you think of when you think of emphysema. What scares me in the possibility of mental symptoms occuring. My father has always been sharp as a tack, witty, funny, smart, and loving. I'm scared that his entire personality might change, and that he will end up more and more confused and altered as this progresses. It's just hard because we've been living with this forever, worrying about when the "end" would happen, but it was always something in the future, even if we thought it was the near future, it still was the future. I don't know exactly how I would describe what I think the "end"means...but I have a feeling that he's starting that phase of this illness and that it's no longer something in the future but it is now my families present - if that made any sense what so ever? Enough about that though, I'm a tad emotional anyways because of dropping Brian off and the Jim stuff so I'm not about to try and make myself even more of a stressed out wreck by dwelling on what's happening with my dad.

On a different note - that job interview that I was SOOOOOOOOO psyched about, yup...never happend. I don't know if the guy never made it up to North Creek today, or if he forgot, or what, but he never called me this morning to schedule a time like he said he would. I didn't call him because I don't want to bug him too much, but I want to be a healthy level of persistant and let him know how interested I am...so I'll bug him tomorrow :O) But it sucked because I got all dressed up, spent an hour on my hair, another hour on my makeup...for nothing, to lounge around the house all day and hang out with Brian. Oh well, I like feeling pretty and today I thought I did look nice, so it wasn't for nothing - it was just for me.

Well now I'm going to stop by a friends house. She got clean a few weeks ago, and I've known her since birth practically. We used together and I had something to do with her addiction so her boyfriend obviously has reservations about me and her spending time together. So I invited myself over to their apartment tonight while he's there, to chat and hopefully make him feel a little more comfortable with me being around her. I totally understand, he's a good guy, I'd be gun shy too if I were him...but she could use me right now, and I could obviously use any friendships I can get or salvage. Hopefully it'll be a nice conversation, and it will go well. I'm a little nervous though, wondering how he'll act around me or treat me, but I will soon enough find out. I'll check in tomorrow, to all a good night...

Little known Krista fact... I have two beautiful half sisters that I didn't get the chance to meet until I was 12 years old. They are from my dad's first marriage, and they live in the Rochester area. I also have a gorgeous niece and a handsome nephew - two things as an only child I never thought I would have. They are obviously older then me, and there is a lot of miles from here to there, and we all kind of suck at keeping in touch, and theres a ton of reasons and excuses - but I haven't seen them in 2 or 3 years, and we don't talk or write much. They are both amazing woman though, and I'm still very hopeful that we will be able to connect like sisters and all find a comfortable way to be in eachothers lives. I know my sister Laura reads this blog, she's one of my 2 followers (it's so popular, right?) (So hi Laura! I love you, I miss you, I think about you all the time. I need to try to save up a little money once I get working so I can make a trip out there with Brian to see you guys. Again - I LOVE YOU and thank you for all the supportive words of encouragement during all this stuff that's happened and is happening, and thank you for not judging me, and simply thank you for being there.) Like I said I didn't meet them until I was 12, and even then it wasn't like we all moved into one big house and became a happy little family - so I was raised as an only child...when I met them it was a total dream come true for me, to have 2 big sisters, and a niece (my nephew wasn't born yet.) It is too bad that we don't live closer, and that we aren't all better at keeping in touch, but I am still so grateful to have them in anyway that I can...and I am very hopeful for a better relationship with them both in the future. Hear that Laura? Haha...anyhow that's today's Krista 411. I wonder if this makes me self-centered that I write this blog and think that anyone cares about knowing my story...hmmm, nah it's fine :O)

A terrible day, with a shred of good news....

I woke up at 5:00 AM and should have known right then and there that it was going to be a bad day...I woke up because Brian started freaking because he had a small bloody nose. So I got him cleaned up and it to stop bleeding and he of course was wide awake, so we woke up. My dad told me I couldn't go to outpatient, which I really wanted to so I could finally talk to my counselor. I could not go because my mom had a hearing for a disability claim and he was feeling lousy and was scared to be home alone with Brian - obviously a valid reason. A few hours later I called 911, which I've done a half dozen times with him but it never gets easier. Then a little while after that I went to a family members house to get online - with specific permission - I wouldn't go in anyone's home without them knowing after my addiction, due to the person I was and the crap I did, eg. Stealing. Anyhow Brian and I went right upstairs and he started playing with a puzzle and another family member who lives also in this home yelled upstairs and asked what the hell I was doing there. I explained, and he just said "well I don't trust you." So I got Bri dressed and we left. I can understand why people would feel this way, but it still hurts when your family thinks that their home isn't safe if your in it. My mom got home a little while ago, she stopped at the hospital after the hearing and was sure that my dad was being sent home. I guess the Dr. said there was nothing they could do, this is just the normal progression of the disease...which is emphysema for all who don't know. But they did a cat-scan anyways on his brain just to be sure. Well just as I'm on my way out the door to go to the hospital to pick him up I called the hospital just to double check the status...and now he's admitted. I guess the cat-scan came back inconclusive, and they have to run more neurological tests. Who knows. He was really out of breath, super shakey, dizzy and confused - so maybe they think it was a mini stroke, but again that's just a guess, I have no idea until I hear more.

Now for the shred of good news. I've been dying to hear from that one guy who is opening up the new pub in town - I've definently mentioned that before. I had left him a message and a note on the front door of the business, hoping he would still need people before the place opened. Well just as I was giving up on it, he called today and I'm going to meet him tomorrow for an interview. I'm pretty confident, once I'm at the point where I know there is a need for someone, and they can meet me and talk to me, I usually do pretty well. Again I'll act like I have thus far on the job hunt, with openness and honesty and just pray for the best. Either way I'm psyched to have heard back and I'll be sure to let you know how tomorrow goes on all fronts. For now I have to go, and without even doing the random info. for the day - lucky you :O) Keep your fingers crossed for my dad, and for the job interview.

Post 4...A day without much accomplished.

Alright well I pretty much suck - I already missed a day, which I promised myself I wouldn't do unless it was absolutely impossible for me to make it to a computer, which it wasn't. Meet Krista, the woman who is notorious for loosing interest in projects, skimping, and doesn't do well when it comes to sticking with things...I think I already mentioned that in a previous blog, so now I suppose I just proved it. I will not let that give me any sort of excuse to quit on this although, and hopefully it won't happen often...this is the point of trying to fix character defects I assume, to work on it - we'll see if by the end of this I've gotten better, who knows?

Ok so anyhow... Today is Tuesday, January 12th 2010. I had outpatient today but had close to zero opportunity to discuss any of my idea's about the Suboxone, or to fill him in on the latest Jim and Krista development, or destruction I guess is a better word. I had two groups today, the first is an Opiate specific group, just for us pill poppers and junkies...counselors don't want us to ever think the only people we can relate to are those that used our drug of choice, because as they all say, a drug is a drug is a drug, and alcohol is a drug. There are few reasons for this segregated group, which I might add is the ONLY group at my outpatient that is drug specific. Reason #1 - For people who are on Suboxone or Methadone to have a place to discuss it, because neither of those medications are allowed to be talked about anywhere else or in any other groups. There are a few reasons for this, as I've said it's a pretty hot topic and people can have very strong opinions about it and many a argument or hurt feelings have arose due to this...it's like talking about politics or religion, or NA versus AA.
Reason #2 - It's for people who are currently or in the past on pain medications for either legitimate or bullshit reasons. Say a guy has been on Opiate pain pills for a decade because of a hurt back, but gets a DWI and can no longer take them...they put him in this group to talk about the aspects of pain control, withdrawls, etc.
Reason #3 - Unlike many other drugs Opiates fuck up your brain forever...chemicals return to some sort of healthier balance then when you were using but never go back to "normal." Opiate addicts sometimes have PAWS (post acute withdrawl symptoms) longer, more likely to be depressed, all that good stuff that I'm experiencing contributes in part to my drug of choice.
Reason #4 - Last but not least we have the needle addiction. It sounds crazy but IV users often develop such affection for the needle (which they associate with the high, pleasure, euphoria, ect) that they sometimes miss the needle as much as the drug, in a different way but with some simularities. Like I said it sounds disgusting and like loving self mutilation in a way to someone who has never been an IV drug user...but for someone who has it not only makes perfect sense but often is a reality in their recovery. (I've experienced it) It's like Pavlov's dogs...which I bet most anyone who reads this has heard of but to describe it quick...scientists would ring a bell right before feeding a bunch of dogs...eventually in not much time the dogs associated the bell with getting food, and in their brains the part that would light up when people or animals are in the act of eating would be triggered before the dog ate but as soon as they heard the bell. So long story short, we end up learning in our brains that the needle brings about the high, the relief of a detox, the way we end up feeling "normal." So it's in a way the same as the dogs.

So I guess I got into the Opiate group stuff more then I had planned, lol, I told you I ramble. Anyhow the point is that I did bring up my plans for becoming a Suboxone patient in my opiate group...like I had anticipated the other clients were split almost 50/50 on people who thought it was an acceptable and most likely a helpful plan, and those who couldn't disagree more. Also like I had assumed would be the case the counselor who was leading the group thought I shouldn't go on the maintence program, because of course I've already been clean for over 7 months, which I again new would be their stance. I'm going back tomorrow though and hopefully I'll be able to speak directly with my case manager and fill him in, and find out once and for all if I'll be able to continue my treatment there after I've started the Suboxone, or if I should plan on going to another OP. I'm not sure if I would be allowed to continue if they all told me not to do the Suboxone but I did anyhow...or if I could continue but would be treated like I was either still using or not progressing at all because they are assuming my recovery will be stunted if I go on this drug. I'll have to know that there will at least be some sort of support from my counselors there to continue after this change has occured, and I hope we can figure it out, because I am comfortable there and I've made a lot of friends there, and I for the most part trust the people who work there with most things...obviously the Suboxone issue not being one. In that situation at least the 2 counselors that I know for sure where they stand, they just see it as so black and white...your on a chemical your using and not clean...like I said it's such a debatable subject and people are either 100% for it or 100% against, not many people fall in the middle. I'll just have to stick with the choice I've made, feel confident that I'm doing what is best for me, and have faith that it will help me in the short term and long run...other then that I can't do much, the rest will play out as it will and I have no control over other peoples feelings or opinions, only my own...which sometimes is such a hard thing to accept.

As the progress goes though with the Suboxone issue...Zat (my grandmother) has told me she would send the doctor the first payment, which is $120.00, you have to always pay one visit ahead. Then the first visit will be $230.00, then every month from there on out it will be the $120.00...so it's going to be hard to manage, and so much depends on me finding a damn job, that by the way I am still not having much luck at. There is something but it wouldn't begin for a couple months, and I pray to be working by then...but at least I know I have a job then if need be, or if I take something I hate just to get working, then I can go to this other job when it would start.

Ok so that's enough for today...gotta love it, I either blow off writing all together or I don't shut up...I'm such an addict all or nothing, haha.

All that is left is my tid-bit of random Krista facts :O) Hmm what to say....I'll talk boys, especially since that's all I do at this point in my life, is talk about them and not have anything to do with any, lol. I have pretty much had a boyfriend consistently since I was 16. Always not wanting to be alone I always got together with someone as soon after a break up as possible. As I think I've mentioned I've never ended it with a guy either, I've always been the one dumped, because it's not like I would ever choose to say goodbye and risk being alone. My first real boyfriend was my ex who passed away, and we dated for about a year, on and off with him back and forth in college. My next was my first real love, and my first first...he was over a year, but there was a 4 month semester abroad to Denmark that he experienced during that time...he's doing amazingly well now, owns a home, is a Vet, goes by the all elusive Dr title, and I haven't seen him in like 7 years, but still glorify the relationship with what if's. I blame that on the fact that he was my first love, they say you never truly get over that one, at least that's what "they" say. Plus I believe that if you ever really love someone, it never goes away completely, that they will forever hold a space in your heart. Then began the Jim saga for a few months...now that's such a long story how we got together and all the shit that followed that I'll save that for a really boring day to write about. We broke up after a few months and he went back to Long Island, which is where he is from. Then there was a short relationship with another boy, neither of us loved eachother, it was the most casual a relationship of mine as ever been. Then Jim again. The the few months with the guy I got arrested with, but that was never a real relationship, more like two fucked up people keeping eachother company, partners is crime. Then Jim again. So at 26 years old I've been in a few relationships, but never really single...and I've never been one for those that can remain casual no matter how much I wish I could. I've also never had a one night stand...and have only slept with 4...which I am proud of because I do know so many woman and men who have had sex with a rediculous amount of people, that they cannot even recall half of them. So there's the jist of my relationship history in a quick timeline. Mostly to show that I'm not used to nor good at being alone, and that I am the girlfriend type not the type that can remain feeling-less and casual. Enough - I'm done ranting, lol. Goodbye for now.

Day 3.5 writing again because I'm not sure what else to do to occupy myself...

So I'm back to my grandmothers using her computer, my parents don't currently have the internet so I have to come here to connect to the cyber community. I was bored and out of things to do at home, so I am making a little stop here, writing a little more, and trying to kill some idle time. Who know's if there will be many days where I write multiple times, but either way today is one of those times - so here I go on yet another writing rampage :O)

This blogging thing is a little hard to get used to. Mainly because I want to be as open and honest as possible, but it scares me that certain people might read certain things. I've given the link to my blog to a few people, but it's easier for me to imagine 1,000 strangers reading this then it is to imagine one person I know, knowing all the dirt, and chaos that is my head and life. I'm trying to write in this like I would a journal, but even that's a little hard because there are certain things I need to explain incase a stranger ever does stumble across this. So I guess I'm trying to make it as honest and open as something only I would read, with a little different kind of content, if that makes much sense.

Anyhow, up and down - if I didn't know any better I'd diagnose myself as bi-polar. It's just that somedays I feel hopeful, and like I'm not a million miles away from a normal existence, productivity, and happiness. Then other days with not much rhyme or reason I feel like I am in a hopeless situation, a lifetime of struggle away from a better life.

Maybe it's what professionals would call PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawl Syndrome, which I guess can last for up to 2 years after an addict gets sober or clean. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance that is caused by nothing related to my addiction. Maybe it's simply depression, or what is called situational depression. Maybe it's as easy to describe as my life sucks right now and I'm frustrated and loosing patience and sometimes faith that things will get better. Whatever the cause, it's not a great emotional place to be residing in.

Tomorrow Zat (which is what I call my grandmother) Brian (my son) and I are going south about 45 minutes for a dentist appointment of mine, and of course McDonalds for my 4 year old. It'll be good for Brian to get out for the day, as I'm sure it won't hurt me either. Zat does so much for me, and is so supportive, and views me as one of her own children...but I've been spending a lot of time with her lately, and it's pathetic that my almost 80 year old grandmother consists as a huge part of my social life.

Jim's called once in the last 3 days - to ask me to deliver some laundry he paid me $10.00 to do for him earlier this week, and leave it inside the shop door at his job. I am an idiot for doing it and not just saying no, but I did - and to top it off I even left him a note taped to the bag...that said I wished he'd check in more often, call to talk to Brian more, and I even signed it "I miss you." Why would I do that, give him that, let him know that? As far as I know he needed those clean clothes so desperately because he had a date last night, or needed clean boxers for some girl to remove. And here I am telling him that I miss him - sometimes I allow myself to be stripped of any pride I have left, and allow Jim to see me as so pathetic.

I know that this is the smartest thing we could be doing...going our seperate ways. I know our relationship is shattered, and Jim even told me that he doesn't love me anymore. I'm not sure if I believe that part although, because it was just two weeks ago he was confessing his undying love for me no matter what has happened. We've done this so many times and ended right back together that it is hard to let go absolutely, and to not think that it's only a matter of time before we are cuddled up on his couch, or sleeping in his bed, or telling eachother that we love one another and really want to try and make it work...because of this it is so easy to fall into the trap of convincing myself that it's not really over, that maybe we do stand a chance. I don't know, it's just hard!

What makes it even harder is that my head (logic) and my heart (emotions) aren't on the same page and think different things are the correct way to go. I am jealous though that he doesn't seem affected by our seperation...that he seems to be having fun, and that its so much easier for him to move on. I'm terrified of him being with someone else, I'm no where near being in a place where I'd be ok with him being with either physically or emotionally with someone other then me. Part of me hopes that he'll be honest and tell me when something like that happens, the other part knows that ignorance is bliss and maybe not knowing for as long as possible would be the easier way to go...but then I would have to worry about how I would eventually find out. It makes my stomach do somersaults just imagining it. God who know's, I'm just once again going on and on, while beating a horse that has been beaten to death and then beat up some more.

For now I'm going to shut up, smoke a cigarrette, and go home and find something to do with my beautiful son. Between this blog and my own personal journal I am writing A LOT, it'll probably be good for me, it's always been the one thing in my life that I've always had as an out-let...so it really doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this, it's the writing that is important to me.

The Suboxone debate - Day 3

As I've said I am a little over 7 months clean. I've been in treatment that entire time in one way or another, and since the start there has been a Suboxone debate occuring in my head. For those of you who don't know, Suboxone is the new age Methadone, much safer, less risk for abuse, doesn't get people high like Methadone, and it is also an opiate blocker (meaning if you take an opiate of any kind while it's in your system you get sick, and don't feel a thing.) Well the rehab I went to didn't offer Suboxone treatment, so I didn't have much of a choice in whether or not to take it. By the time I began outpatient, the counselors all had the attitude that I was "over the hump" physically anyways, so it would be pointless. Not to mention many counselors and addicts alike have the attitude that you aren't clean if your not clean. N/A (Narcotics Anonymus) doesn't even recognize someone as having any clean time if they are on any sort of maintence program. So needless to say, I've put the idea pretty much out of my head, and trusted my counselor who thought it wasn't the best idea....and again I already had some clean time under my belt - so why take a step backwards? Well now things are a little different. My legal stuff is finally at an end - meaning I'm not tied into any program, counselor, or anything from this point on - case closed. I'm also going through some stuff, IE: the final breakup between Jim and I. All and all I'm feeling emotionally the worst that I have since pretty much the early times of this journey. I contacted a few private Suboxone doctors, and found pretty much the 1 out of New York that has an opening for a new client. Other then some internal debate that continues, the only thing that is standing in my way is money, because of course he doesn't take any sort of insurance, and I have to see him monthly as a patient.

As an addict we are told that we have a disease. That it's not a moral issue, it doesn't mean we are bad people, or that we are weak. That it is a disease like any other chronic condition. So if I use that rational, then why wouldn't I take a pill that wouldn't cure me, but would eliminate my symptoms (cravings, brain chemistry, ect.) Once someone becomes addicted to Opiates their brain changes forever, things get better but never back to 100% "normal." Subxone would trick my brain into thinking that it had what it thinks it needs to be normal, without getting me high as a kite, and like I said before it would eliminate any cravings. Yes it is a crutch. Yes many people kick this shit without a pill. Many people live great lives though using this medication, for as short or as long as they and their doctors think it's needed. It is a big choice though, because I would be choosing to once again become physically and mentally dependant on something...after 7 months clean. Normal people would probably think that I'd be totally stupid for doing it, and many people with experience would think the same. Like I've said, it might be the easy way out, but after such a substantial amount of time doing this the hard way and not feeling like it's working, then it might be the best choice, right? No-one can tell me what to do in this situation, it's a very personal decision that I will be forced to make all on my own.

The statistics are terrifying when it comes to the amount of people who relapse in the first year. In rehab it's like 1 out of 20 people will never use again. Some people have a little extra rope to hang themselves with...some can make it to 5 different rehabs before getting it right. I don't have that option. This isn't a 3 strikes and your out kind of deal here. If I fuck up, I lose everything, most importantly my son. I don't want to take any chances with him, in any way....I don't want him to ever have to feel another ounce of affect due to my addiction. So if Suboxone makes me feel more secure in this journey...if it seperates me a little more from the chance of picking up a needle, or a bag of heroin again...then it might be the safety net I personally will benefit from. Some think that it puts me closer to being a dysfunctional addict, like I said it puts me back in a drugs grip...it's something I'll need to take daily. Some just think it's a legal way to be a drug addict...and the doctors that perscribe it are just legal dealers. I've been on Suboxone before, in a detox, and I've bought it off the street for my own "sick days." It's never gotten me at all high, fuzzy, buzzed, altered, whatever. It always just made me feel "normal." I guess I'm going around in circles...but that's where I'm at today. To take Suboxone or not...to become a legal drug addict (some opinions would say) or to risk at a higher percentage in my mind becoming an illegal drug addict, that can't function as a person, mom, family member, or basic human....only as a addict. I guess it's safe to say that I'm leaning towards the "to take" side of this debate. If that is what I chose though there is more to it...like I said it's a financial commitment as well as an everything else commitment...so I need to find that job I've been searching for before I can even seriously think about making this concrete. I guess I'll just have to see what happens....I'll be speaking with my counselor Tuesday about it at my outpatient...maybe it's possible to get him behind me on this choice in which case I might be able to go through the outpatients doctor for it, who does take medicaid...but those are a lot of if's. Like I've said, I doubt my case manager is going to be for this, but again it's a wait and see game. For now, I've rambled enough about my Suboxone debate....so I'll put anyone out of their misery who may be reading this, haha.

So for the 1 new thing you don't know about me of the day....hmmmm...lets see.

I was the "picked on" girl in elementary and middle school, terribly. I got teased for just about everything. I walk on my tip toes (short heel cords, not a choice) so that made me an easy target...and I guess they thought my dark Italian hair made my arms look hairy, which they really aren't that hairy...so they called me warewolf. Around 10th grade I made some older friends...mainly a group of 4 guys, and the 5 of us spent a lot of time together, we were all really close. I started dating a little, the girls stopped hating me all together and things got a little better. So I've had both experiences, the picked on, bullied, tormented girl...and the semi-popular (I at least made prom court my senior year, lol) I was also in Miss Teen NY when I was 15...which shocked my peers, especially the boys who had never given me a second thought. But it was fun, a great experience, and hey out of 51 who got chosen to even be in it, I came in 16th place...not super shabby. Well a little more into the life of Krista, lol. God I wonder if anyone will ever read all this, and how boring it would be if they did, or if it would be at all interesting to someone who's never met me.

Goodbye for now - I'll write again tomorrow.

Trying to figure out how to get you to know me as well as possible...DAY 2

Hello again, to whomever may actually be out there in the cyber world reading my thoughts. My first blog I hope was able to give a small summary of my story, although there is of course so much more to explain, tell and share about. I think the best way to go about this is to just write daily, and fill in the blanks as they come by describing my present life, so here we go.

It's been a hard week. My husband, Jim, and I finally called it quits once and for all. We've been married for 5 years this March, and I've loved him for 3 years before that, so it's such a loss, but not a surprise. Last March I went to a detox, my second true attempt at cleaning myself up. It was also my first time in my son's life ever spending even a night away from him...so it was a hard decision to make regardless of how much I wanted and needed the help. The night I got back from the 5 day detoxification, Jim left and moved in with a mutual friend of ours. He said he just couldn't get over all the lies, and bullshit that had occured in recent years, and that he didn't want to wake up 40 as miserable in this marriage as he was at 25. Since then we have been "off and on" and very inconsistant in our relationship. From last April until I was arrested in June I was even dating someone else...it was much more a drug relationship then anything else, in fact it was this guy who gave me my first bump of heroin, who shot me up for the first time, and whom I was arrested with on June 6th. He's not a bad guy, although I may have just portrayed him that way, he's just sick. I was granted a chance at recovery in a much nicer way then he. I spent 2 weeks in jail and then went to a beautiful rehab, where people cared how I felt, where there was good food, and a nice warm bed. He stayed in jail. From rehab I went to another beautiful place, closer to home, which was a half way house. Again, people there cared about me, treated me like a human, related to me...again he was in jail. Now I'm home, trying to rebuild my life, and he is in prison. So no he's not an evil drug pusher, he's just an addict like I am - who did what he had to do to get by just like I did. Anyways I'm getting on a rambling episode here...long story short is Jim and I have been broken for a long time. He picked me up from my rehab, trying to forgive all that had happened...realizing that he still loved me and part of him really wanted it to work between us. We spent weekends together with our son while I was living at the half way house, and when I came home it was his apartment I moved into. Unfortunently I don't think he can forgive me, and I think we are beyond broken, but shattered. As sad as I am about it, I understand that it's probably for the best, for both of us and for our son. Yet I still want to hold on to that tiny thread of hope that I've been clinging to for so long, that we can end up a happy family. I now am staying with my parents, my son's with me 99% of the time, thank god. That living situation has to change as quickly as possible, but that will take time, and I need to practice my patience.

Which brings me back to today. I've been looking for a job all week, without much luck. I live in a TINY town where everyone know's all the skeletons in my closet. So to humble myself enough to walk up to these people who think of me as a JUNKIE, THIEF, and TERRIBLE MOM, and then ask them for a job has been a learning experience. I approach it all honestly, and I have found that most people are quite understanding. I don't get into all the goary details of course, but I'm honest about why I don't have much of a work history in the last 5 years, and why I can't really think of many references, either personal or professional. So far I think I've actually found people who would hire me, if they needed help in this shitty economy...but so far no openings. It's discouraging, but I can't give up. I think getting a job will bring me so much closer to sanity. I'll feel like I'm contributing to my family again, I'll get out of my house which is depression central, I'll meet new people, and I'll start being able to save money to get out on my own for the first time in my life.

So all and all things are hard. Although everyone tells me I've already been through the worst of it, sometimes where I am now at 7 months clean, seems harder then where I was with only 30 days. My husband already has his own life, one without me - a full time job, where he works with friends, and enjoys his days. His own apartment right up the road from a popular bar. Friends that stop by and see him, or that he goes out with. And eventually if it hasn't already happened, he'll meet a girl, and I cannot imagine how hard that will be. It makes me physically sick to even think about it, I cannot forsee how I'd handle it when it actually is a reality.

I need to develop my own life. As of now I have no friends. Well I have one or two, but my best friend lives 2 hours away, and she's who I feel like I need the most right now. Any friends I have had in the recent past, I either used with, fucked over, were more Jim's friends then mine, or have moved away and grown up with careers and families of their own. At 26 I feel like I have to start completely over, from where I was from like the period of when I graduated high school...except now I have a terrible past, a husband I'm seperated from, and a child...it won't be easy.

I see how long this particular blog is. They all won't be like that...but I'm a writer, and I'm a talker, and sometimes I do ramble on and on. It will be hard to get everyone up to date, and able to understand who I really am...so there probably will be some super long blogs in the mix here to just try and do just that. If anyone out there does end up reading this, I want them to know the real me, the real situation, my real past, my story, in all the honesty, humility, acceptance and open-ness that is possible. Unless I do this 100% then it's not even worth doing, so we'll see how it ends up, but if there is anyone out there - bare with me, I'm knew at this whole concept, and I might shoot from one place to another, and not make much sense sometimes, but I'm going to really try. Another thing about me, is I've never really stuck to much of anything. From childhood I've been a "quitter" when things got tough or boring...in everything except relationships that is - I'll hold onto those until the bitter end. But piano lessons, softball, clarinet, jobs, school, etc when the going get tough I got going. So I want this to be something different for me. When I get bored with it, if I get bored with it...if I notice that there is NOONE reading this, no matter what the situation, I plan on forcing myself to stick it out...it's part of trying to change my faults, my defects of character, little things at a time - and this is how I will try to change that specific flaw of mine. Meaning unless I simply cannot get to a computer, or some catastrophy occurs I am comitting to myself to write daily, and do all that I've said I plan on doing. So I guess we'll just see :O)

Now I'm going to sign off, try to track down someone I'm trying to get a hold of to talk to about a job, and go run my son around outside - no matter how frigid it is...he's getting cabin fever and bouncing off the walls, so it's necessary. I'll be back tomorrow, good-bye!

Oh and every blog at the end I'm going to write down a random fact about me, either a short story, something many people don't know, little personality traits, whatever, just in hopes of you getting to know me better....for this one I thought to let you in on a huge fear of mine...When I was young my biggest fear was death of someone I loved. My dad's been sick since I was very young, and I was always planning on his death occuring, so that was always my biggest fear as a kid. As an adult I've lost 2 people specifically that at one time I didn't think I could live without, I'll tell you about those stories another time. One was my grandfather, whom died lying next to me...and the other was my first love who died at 29 from cancer, I also was there for most of the process of his death. He hadn't dated anyone since me, because he had gotten sick, and he had told me that he was still in love with me only a few weeks before he died. Part of me felt like I was loosing a significant other when it happened, which was 2 years ago...I never crossed any lines while I was spending his last months with him, it was never like that - I was married and always 100% faithful in that regard....but in a time like that feelings get stirred up, and it was a situation that was unique, and terrible, and something I don't know if I'll ever fully recover from. But the point is that I'm still here, I did survive what I used to think I never could have. So in some ways I do see myself as a strong person, I have been through some pretty heavy stuff in my life, even before the addiction took hold. Although I see myself as weak and pathetic much of the time, I do have to acknowledge that and give credit to myself when it's earned...so there is something about my past, and my personality...and a little more insight into who I am.