Tuesday, December 20, 2011
i copied this from a blog i did almost two years ago....
What else has been going on? Quick update on the parents I suppose. Dad's actually again doing a little better, has even gained a significant amount of weight back, which was a huge issue - he was down to 110, and he's a tall man...so the few pounds he's put back on are important. I swear my father is like the energizer bunny, just keeps going and going. I even said that to him a few nights ago, he laughed and we were joking like "won't you just hurry up and die" kind of thing, which of course sounds terrible but if your reading this and know my dad, and the humor he has and that we have together you know that it's just how we are and it was actually a funny and innocent conversation. He really is astonishing though, Doctors have counted him out of the game so many times...as have I - always thinking that "it's really happening this time, he's really dying" and he always bounces back. He really is like the energizer bunny and I am damn thankful for it and hope that it continues for quite some time to come. Just can't imagine what life would be like for me without him - he's half of me - so many choices i made were to stay in the area and no be away from him - so what would happen if one day he just died? I'm sure I'd become a mess, and my whole life would loose a great deal of meaning and significance. I don't know - lets just hope he keeps fooling these Doctors and lives to be 100.
'You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em. know when to walk away, know when to run"
There are all sorts of sayings.... like - Pick your battles
- Dedicate to things you fully believe in, or people
- Know when to walk away
- Know when you should stay
- Go with your gut, but at what costs?
I'm really bad with any part of any situation that gives the good advice of just walking away from something. When my marriage was falling apart, I knew it was over - but I would have stayed with him rather then be without him, even if it meant a miserable marriage. I was convinced for way to long that we could make it work, that he and i belonged together. I was terrified of being alone, being a single mother...etc.
That's just 1 of many more examples of how I 'go with my gut' without using my brain. I run almost totally on emotions, which can make me carry a few positive traits, but it can also steer me in so many wrong directions. Feelings are feelings, and I need to learn not to base choices on feelings alone.
My ego is fragile and gets bruised often. Because of that i usually end up holding that against the few people in my life who don't deserve it. I hold on to ever ounce of emotional pain i've ever had, and it makes me more full of baggage then any other single mom in my shoes.
Lately all I've done is see the worst in people - forgetting all the good. I dont want to be that bitter, sad, lonely, person that lets that kind of thinking get the best of her. I dont want to wake up 50 and see myself in the same light.
Good things are coming - and i have the balls to just wish i had someone to share those things with? I am a damn strong person, and i'm sure countless people reading this just laughed out loud at that statement. But I have survived more then most people my age, or older ever have. I think if I was as weak as I can come across sometimes, then I'd be dead by now. But I'm not, and i need to at least give myself some credit for making it this far, through all the shit storms, deaths, drugs, jail, almost loosing my life just this summer, etc.
So yeah Christmas will suck this year without my dad with us. But I'll deal with that, so Brian can have the best Christmas as to date. That also makes me strong. I might not be mommy of the week, day even .... but i put his happiness above my saddness. I'm making things better only thinking of how that could help him in his future. Good things are out there, people too. I just have felt betrayed by some people lately i never would have imagined....but again, i blame one of them for a million other things as well - so it doesn't even kind of even out to be fair on them.
This is a lot of randomness I know. But hey, random thoughts pop into my head, then i blog - that's the point, i think?
XOOOXOXOXOXOOXOX
- Dedicate to things you fully believe in, or people
- Know when to walk away
- Know when you should stay
- Go with your gut, but at what costs?
I'm really bad with any part of any situation that gives the good advice of just walking away from something. When my marriage was falling apart, I knew it was over - but I would have stayed with him rather then be without him, even if it meant a miserable marriage. I was convinced for way to long that we could make it work, that he and i belonged together. I was terrified of being alone, being a single mother...etc.
That's just 1 of many more examples of how I 'go with my gut' without using my brain. I run almost totally on emotions, which can make me carry a few positive traits, but it can also steer me in so many wrong directions. Feelings are feelings, and I need to learn not to base choices on feelings alone.
My ego is fragile and gets bruised often. Because of that i usually end up holding that against the few people in my life who don't deserve it. I hold on to ever ounce of emotional pain i've ever had, and it makes me more full of baggage then any other single mom in my shoes.
Lately all I've done is see the worst in people - forgetting all the good. I dont want to be that bitter, sad, lonely, person that lets that kind of thinking get the best of her. I dont want to wake up 50 and see myself in the same light.
Good things are coming - and i have the balls to just wish i had someone to share those things with? I am a damn strong person, and i'm sure countless people reading this just laughed out loud at that statement. But I have survived more then most people my age, or older ever have. I think if I was as weak as I can come across sometimes, then I'd be dead by now. But I'm not, and i need to at least give myself some credit for making it this far, through all the shit storms, deaths, drugs, jail, almost loosing my life just this summer, etc.
So yeah Christmas will suck this year without my dad with us. But I'll deal with that, so Brian can have the best Christmas as to date. That also makes me strong. I might not be mommy of the week, day even .... but i put his happiness above my saddness. I'm making things better only thinking of how that could help him in his future. Good things are out there, people too. I just have felt betrayed by some people lately i never would have imagined....but again, i blame one of them for a million other things as well - so it doesn't even kind of even out to be fair on them.
This is a lot of randomness I know. But hey, random thoughts pop into my head, then i blog - that's the point, i think?
XOOOXOXOXOXOOXOX
Friday, December 16, 2011
Quick Post
I just copied and pasted this from my face book status. The first part that is in quotes came from a website that sends me daily messages about dealing with loss. The second is me trying to hard to explain why it feels the way it does for me. I dunno... just trying to make the few people in my life who are trying to understand what this is doing to me that I love them for even giving it a second thought - and I do need you in my life... the problem is that it shouldn't be one persons resposibility for me to put all that need onto them - even the few close friends I have shouldn't even have to take one sections of that kind of need. I know this will get better - and I apologize for being so 'needy' right now. I'm sure after Christmas this will calm back down in my head again like it was for awhile. I'm positive that it will get easier. Just praying that it comes sooner then later.
"You are more than your grief. Although it feels so big that it overtakes your life, your life is bigger. Your soul is bigger. You have a vast spaciousness within you that mirrors the spaciousness around you. This can be difficult to remember and even harder, at times, to recognize, but grief is NOT the TOTALITY of your existence on this planet. Hold the spaciousness and the grief simultaneously. Grief can make you feel like you've lost purpose especially if your loved one was ill and you helped care for them...the questions of 'now what' are probably echoing in your head countless times a day. You are more then your grief, and you were always more then the person your grieving for. Sometimes the hardest part comes right after a death, other times it hits you months or even years later and comes with no warning. The grieving process is not a science, and EVERY person will go through it differently. Try to be thankful for those you have that are still with you - it's not weak to ask for help, it might just be one of the strongest things you will ever do. I just hope for your sake that the people around you will be there if you reach out, because I know how hard it can be to do something seemingly so simple. Just keep remembering today, all day, that you are more then your grief." - Needed these words today
I might post a lot about my dad and missing him. If I see you I might even talk about it casually in passing. If we're close I'll talk about it often, but rarely even allow myself to tear up while doing so. But when the hard parts hit I don't talk, during those times Id like nothing more then to hide in a locked room where I'd never have to answer the question ' are you ok ' again. Because people just ask you that hoping to hear, 'yep, i'm fine' and then they can say that they asked, tried, did their part. FINE means, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional - so if I say I'm fine, then that's exactly what I mean. My father was a ghost to the world long before he died - out of site out of mind. That's why he didn't get visitors at the nursing home - because he had been a ghost for so many years. He just wasn't a ghost to me, he was literally half of me. He wasn't a ghost to my mom, or to Brian, or to Jim when he lived here ... but grieiving for someone who people feel has to them been gone 10 years already, makes it easy for them to forget that it's only been 3 months to me and my mom. Ugh I'm just rambling....I hope everyone has a great day - I gotta get ready for work!
"You are more than your grief. Although it feels so big that it overtakes your life, your life is bigger. Your soul is bigger. You have a vast spaciousness within you that mirrors the spaciousness around you. This can be difficult to remember and even harder, at times, to recognize, but grief is NOT the TOTALITY of your existence on this planet. Hold the spaciousness and the grief simultaneously. Grief can make you feel like you've lost purpose especially if your loved one was ill and you helped care for them...the questions of 'now what' are probably echoing in your head countless times a day. You are more then your grief, and you were always more then the person your grieving for. Sometimes the hardest part comes right after a death, other times it hits you months or even years later and comes with no warning. The grieving process is not a science, and EVERY person will go through it differently. Try to be thankful for those you have that are still with you - it's not weak to ask for help, it might just be one of the strongest things you will ever do. I just hope for your sake that the people around you will be there if you reach out, because I know how hard it can be to do something seemingly so simple. Just keep remembering today, all day, that you are more then your grief." - Needed these words today
I might post a lot about my dad and missing him. If I see you I might even talk about it casually in passing. If we're close I'll talk about it often, but rarely even allow myself to tear up while doing so. But when the hard parts hit I don't talk, during those times Id like nothing more then to hide in a locked room where I'd never have to answer the question ' are you ok ' again. Because people just ask you that hoping to hear, 'yep, i'm fine' and then they can say that they asked, tried, did their part. FINE means, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional - so if I say I'm fine, then that's exactly what I mean. My father was a ghost to the world long before he died - out of site out of mind. That's why he didn't get visitors at the nursing home - because he had been a ghost for so many years. He just wasn't a ghost to me, he was literally half of me. He wasn't a ghost to my mom, or to Brian, or to Jim when he lived here ... but grieiving for someone who people feel has to them been gone 10 years already, makes it easy for them to forget that it's only been 3 months to me and my mom. Ugh I'm just rambling....I hope everyone has a great day - I gotta get ready for work!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Fun Idea....
I was just updating my profile and there is a section where you can answer 1 really random question about the dumbest things, like "why do you think the Earth is flat" or "If you were a cannible what would you wear to dinner" really weird shit. Who comes up with these questions is what I'd like to know. I've generated like 12 different ones trying to find something with a little meaning, or something funny that could give my readers a better sense of my humor, or outlook on life - but so such luck with using the questions the blogger page asks. So how's this, ask me the most random question possible, and I promise to answer it as honestly and openly as I can??? Just put it in as a comment, and let me know who you are, and we'll go from there. It might be a fun way to get to know me personally a little bit more, if that's possible considering there aren't many topics I don't touch on just by writing the blog - but things I wouldn't think to write about, questions I wouldn't think to answer, stuff like that. It can be as random, funny, deep, personal, crazy or even insane of a question as you can come up with....a challenge for us both :-)
I put up a picture of me and my very best girlfriend...I did that because she knows me better then almost anyone, so ask me a question from her perspective if it's easier, since she know's everything it'll make it a tad harder to think of something no one else has ever thought to ask or been curious to know.
I put up a picture of me and my very best girlfriend...I did that because she knows me better then almost anyone, so ask me a question from her perspective if it's easier, since she know's everything it'll make it a tad harder to think of something no one else has ever thought to ask or been curious to know.
Pictures
Just some pictures - couple are old photo's that I took a picture of with my new digital camera (awesome early Christmas gift from Zat) and a couple are recent of my pride and joy, Brian...to show how damn grown up he's looking - time just goes way too fast! XOXOXO *Krista*
Life and Death
I recently spent a few minutes trying to write an open and honest, fully divulging, therapeutic and non redundant post about all the events that had happened in my life since the last time I had written. The reason I always wanted to keep up on this project of mine was because I know me, and once too much time passes in between posts there is just so much to try and fill my readers in on that it becomes overwhelming....which then causes me to write a half-assed blog, a rushed post that barely gets into things on any real level, but instead just skims the surface of whatever I'm writing about, and have been dealing with on a personal level. So the only way for me to really sit down and write the way that works best for me is to pretend that I've been writing all along, that you already know everything of importance that's occurred and just concentrate on what it is I feel the need to share, instead of getting overwhelmed and not writing at all. So that's what I'm going to do this morning - if some of it's repeated information from my latest entry I apologize, so here's to my best effort of describing what I've been going through since I lost my father.
For anyone who knows me now or did earlier in my life, for anyone who's read my blog or has known my family at any point during my lifetime, and for anyone who knows even just a little bit about me through the grapevine already knows that I've spent my entire life in fear of loosing my dad. I dwelled and dwelled on it so much as a child that I'm sure it was very unhealthy for my mental development and well being. It's always been the 'big fear' the phobia, the darkness that's hung over my head. My mom dealt with her husbands illness in the opposite way, pure denial - he had gone through so many bad phases and bounced back, that I honestly believe that she, at some point, was able to convince herself that she'd never loose him. I always thought my way of approaching the subject was healthier, that it meant I'd be more prepared when it finally did happen - that I was at least dealing with it...but now I truly believe that my mom actually was the one who had it right all these years. Almost every special occasion that I can remember was in part dampered down if not ruined because instead of focusing on how happy I was that Dad was still here, I was concentrating on the fact that that Christmas, or this birthday, or something like that would be his last - then I'd imagine how that would feel, and poof their went my special occasion. I don't say this lightly, but his illness defined me, I allowed it to - the fear I carried with me my entire life weighed on me in such unhealthy ways, it was more of an obsession then it was anything else. I made really big choices in my life, and later down the road those choices affected not only me but a husband and child. Moving away from home, more then maybe an hours drive was something I never considered because I had to be close incase something happened - there were jobs I turned down, opportunities I missed out on and like I said before it was all consuming and totally defined who I was and how I lived my life. I'm not talking about issues I had with drugs being caused by this, or using this as an excuse to why I turned out certain ways that I did.... and my Dad wanted me to succeed more then anything, he wanted to see me happy, healthy, in love and being loved more then he wished for anything else. He always knew what an impact his sickness had on me, and he hated it, blamed himself for me being sad or scared for such a big part of my life. I did though want to clarify that I'm talking about my entire life, choices I made when I was 15 or 16 (before I had even ever gotten drunk or smoked weed) I'm talking about the big picture, not just the section of my life that I've written about so much in this blog, the reasons for there even being a blog to speak of.
The point I'm trying to get at is that because I built loosing my dad up so much in my head, that instead of it preparing me for the day it happened it had almost the opposite effect....the only good thing I can say about how I managed that fear and my life with him, is that I didn't really take it for granted - there were times I'm sure - but the majority of the time our relationship was one in a million. And that is because I always had his illness in the back of my head so we had certain rules in my house growing up....we would never go to bed mad, even if it meant staying up and fighting far into the night we would, my head wasn't allowed to touch my pillow until whatever issue that was there had been resolved, at least enough to say "I love you" and we'll talk more about this in the morning. Every time I left the house I'd give my parents a kiss on the cheek and tell them I loved then, as they did me. At the end of every phone call there was an "I love You," my dad and I would write little notes to each other, every card we ever gave one another had been thought of and not bought quickly but instead we took the time to find the ones that were just perfect for us. I'm comforted by so many pictures, letters, cards, video's....and all those were saved knowing that one day they would be all I had. For petes sake I have his hospital bracelet from when he had that big operation in Pittsburg, I've got little cards from flowers he would get me if we had had a fight the night before and if he felt like he was wrong, I'd get flowers delivered to me with a note that just said "I'm sorry" or "I love you" I saved all those things through all those years. So although my fear of his death took away a lot of my innocence as a kid, and my piece of mind growing up - the way I handled it had it's good points too... the relationship that my father and I had was what it was due to that fear, due to his illness. I don’t know any other woman who shared the kind of Father/Daughter relationship that I had - he was home more then most other Dads because of his illness, so he played Mr. Mom often - I could talk to him about anything, and I mean anything! So although I was always scared of the big black monster that for me was life without him, it did have it's good points. And 10 years ago I thought that it would prevent me in full of having to deal with any type of guilt after he was gone, because I knew he was fully aware of how much I cared for him, how much he meant to me....I was basically a near perfect daughter for the majority of my life. Unfortunately when that changed, when I started rebelling, when I started making awful choices in my life, and when those choices hurt my father more then I could possibly describe I lost that guilt free attitude with him. And it's that guilt that is now giving me the hardest grieving time that I've ever had in the past. When my grandfather passed away there was no guilt - I had expressed to him how much I loved him, I had never disappointed him in the ways I later would have if he hadn't died when he did. I was lying next to him for Gods sake when he took his last breath....so while it devastated me more then I could have imagined...when I was coping with his death I didn't have that awful, all consuming guilt hanging over my head. When Ellis died there was a little guilt there, guilt for not being who he wanted me to be in his life, guilt for being so scared of his death that until those last months with him occurred I had tried pushing him away, thinking it'd hurt less if I were to lose him. But those last months did happen, and I was there for him in every way I could, I told him 10 times a day how much I loved him, how sorry I was that these were the cards he was dealt, how sorry I was for not being a better friend at times during his illness. But I was given a chance to make it right, and I took that chance and ran with it...and looking back I had done that a few times even prior to his last months - like when I organized and worked my ass off on that bone marrow drive I've mentioned at least once in this blog. So yeah there was 'some' guilt there after he died, some little things that kept popping up in my head when I was grieving for him....but for the most part I had peace - knowing that in the end I was a great friend to him, that he knew how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. That peace helped me more then anything else could have, with both my Papa and Ellis...but that isn't the case this time around.
My father and I loved one another unconditionally. We'd fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but usually only because we were so much alike, both stubborn and always ready for an argument. But the relationship him and I shared for the first 20 years of my life ended up changing in that last 8 years of his life. He lost respect for me in little pieces here and there for random things I had done or choices I had made. But on June 6th, 2009 I made a choice that would change our relationship in ways that were irreversible. When I was arrested, with his beautiful grandson in the car, when all light was shed on the life I had been living right under his nose without him knowing about it, and when he realized that he could no longer recognize me that was not a turning point for us, it was THE turning point for us. He never wanted perfection from me, his dreams for me weren't aimed at riches, fame, a Pulitzer prize, lol - he just wanted me to be an honest, respectable, loving person - a good mom, a good wife - he wanted for me to be able to be proud of myself - he wanted better for me then he had, etc....he told me one time that I could murder someone, and although he would turn me in (if he thought others were in danger from me) that he would love me no less then he had before, that he would always be in my corner, and that nothing at all could ever change that. He didn't bank on me hurting the one person who came closest to his heart as I did, Brian. So when that happened he told Jim point blank, as long as Brian gets home safe to them, he didn't care if I rotted in that jail cell. At that point he meant every word. The anger faded throughout the next few years - he saw how hard I was trying to right my wrongs - he acknowledged that I was a good mom despite my past actions - he wanted nothing more then to put it all behind us. I have no doubt that he was able to forgive me for my actions during those darkest years, but he didn't have the ability to forget them....and he lived his last years in constant fear that I would end up right back to that point again - that I'd screw up in another horrific way and I'd loose Brian...that fear which he carried made it impossible for us to ever again have that relationship we once had.
So there's where the guilt comes into play. It's a worthless emotion, I know - because I can't change the reasons I have that guilt - and now that he's gone I can't make up for it, or talk to him about it, or whatever I could try to make it right between us again. And after spending my entire life just wanting 1 more year...or him to live long enough to see this, or that...after being so grateful that he made it as long as he did....now part of me wishes I had lost him at 18 - because then I'd be at peace with who I was to him, how strong our relationship was. But of course I'm thrilled that he had 6 full years with Brian - and I wouldn't take that away from either of them just so I could selfishly deal with his death easier. It's just a double edged sword - because by definition I was one hell of a daughter to him until I wasn't - and it seemed to really happen that quickly and without warning.
Then of course both my mom and I have a certain level of guilt that he lived his last months in a nursing home and not here with us. We know in our heads that it was the best option for our whole family, especially my Dad ... but his depression and fear that he felt being over there is a hard pill for us to swallow. He adjusted in the last couple months, and agreed that we had made the right choice - but those first few months spent in the Nursing Home were harder on him then we ever could have seen coming. He said one day to me that he just couldn't believe that this was it, that after fighting for as long as he had, for doing everything he could to stick around for our family, that this was how it was ending....him alone in a bed in a nursing home, where people either go to get rehabilitation, or where they go to die - and he knew which he was there for. Me getting hurt in the beginning of his last summer doesn't help my level of guilt either. I know I didn't get hurt on purpose, and that I didn't have a choice in the matter - but it kept me away from him for 4 entire weeks while I was in the hospital and when I first made it home. It kept me from being able to visit him on a regular basis, to once a week if I was lucky. So missing out on all that time that I could have had with him, hadn't I been hurt, is something else that I'm having a hard time dealing with.
Don't get me wrong though, his last month or so was different. He had come to peace about staying at the nursing home for good...he was having a lot more good days then he had been having a few months prior. Brian, my mom and I were visiting often - Mom was even living there for rehab on her knee for a few weeks, which brought them closer together then they had been in a long time. I'm jealous of that, but so happy for my mom because any guilt she had was being cut down to a more bearable size - they had told each other that they had been lucky for that time because they fell in love with each other all over again....what a gift! The last conversation they had was the afternoon before he died....they last words they spoke to each other were (mom - "I love you Frankie" Dad - "I love you more sweetheart") It can't get much better then that. I didn't see him that day. I had gone to a Dr's appointment in Glens Falls with my grandmother, Brian and mom, and was pissed off when we got home because I wasn't healing as quickly as I was wanting, I was still in so much pain, and I had a attitude that afternoon...one that caused me to not want to deal with anyone, so when we got back to North Creek my mom dropped me and Brian off at the house, and she went to see my dad....I hadn't even called him that night - well I had tried but he didn't answer. So I can't tell you what our last words were to each other, I can't say that I had an amazing conversation with him that day - and I'm jealous of my mom for getting them both.
When the phone rang at 10:00 - 10:30 PM that night I knew right away it had something to do with Dad. Him being dead never entered my mind, but I thought maybe he was having a bad night, confused, scared - and they were calling to see if someone could come sit with him...or a nurse was letting us know that he was going to the hospital for whatever reason. But when I heard her voice, and when she asked specifically to speak with my mom it all changed. The volume on the phone was loud enough that I even heard her ask my mom if she was sitting down - I knew. My mom freaked out, she was in such shock because there hadn't been a warning, she screamed and cried - I just sat calmly and called my Aunt and Grandmother to ask one of them to come over and pick her up, she had to go to the nursing home to sign papers, and wait for the funeral home to pick him up. Brian was here that night so I wasn't going anywhere, and even if he hadn't been - I still would have stayed home.... I was numb, it wasn't real to me at all. So my Aunt and Zat (grandmother) rushed right over to the house to pick up my mom....I asked my mom to tell them not to come in because I didn't want to see anyone - because I didn't want the numbness to be gone yet. But my Aunt Sass did come in, and she sat next to me and hugged me, cried and told me how sorry she was....it was starting to sink in. Then after they left - I calmly started the phone calls, Jim, my sister Laura, my best friend Katy, and my best guy friend at the time Steve. Steve was amazing, before I had a chance to finish the sentence he had turned his truck around and was heading here to be with me. I know I ended up freaking him out a little bit though by the lack of emotion I was showing - I wasn't a puddle, I was like a robot one minute, then a little emotion would spill out until I caught myself and went back to being a robot.
I miss my father more then I could possibly explain. I'd give almost anything for 1 more movie night with him...1 more moment where I acted like a lap dog and would curl myself on top of his lap for a big hug....1 more argument even....1 more "I love you", just 1 more of anything. In the last 3 months since he died I've gone back and fourth between Robot and emotional basket case. There will be days upon days that I don't even tear up....then there will be a day, without any reason or warning where I can barely hold myself together. It's extra hard that he was such a Ghost to the majority of people well before his death. Even my mother's family had barely laid eyes on him for the last few years of his life. He wasn't able to go to the store anymore - my mom wasn't working at the Laundromat anymore so he didn't have there to go to socialize and get out of the house - he hadn't been well enough to go to family functions, etc. So other then for my Mom, myself, Brian, Jim, Zat and a few random people that would be at my house sporadically to visit - he was a Ghost. It's hard enough when it's all done, like the funeral, the people stopping over, the cards stop coming, people stop randomly calling to check it - that's when it starts to really hit you...but in my dads situation it wasn't just that typical stuff that was hard, knowing that his death would only truly affect a small handful of people was hard to accept. He was too good of a man for that, he was my everything, so it's hard to see that other people had felt like he was gone years before he actually died.
Sometime I just want to be alone, to not have anyone around me. But there are other times where I want to let go of holding it all inside, be around someone I'm comfortable enough with to cry, scream, whatever it is I feel I need to do at that time. Nights are the hardest of course - so that's usually when I frantically at times will reach out to the few good friends I have....and if it's at all possible beg them if I must to come over and hang out, just to watch a movie - just so I'm not sitting alone, scared, sad, missing my father. Quiet has become an enemy of mine, thinking has become what sets me off, and the guilt is what I dwell on. But when I get lucky, and happen to be having one of those awful nights, and can find a good friend to sit with me, just be here, it makes all the difference in the world. I keep trying to convince myself that this is normal, that I'm not making more out of this then I should be - loosing a parent is one of the hardest things anyone can go through - loosing my dad was even a little bit harder then most. It can be all consuming at times, all I can think about, all I can focus on - but those times aren't frequent, and I feel like I'm holding it together better then I thought I would. Last year I would have expected that when this would happen I'd run right back to the Heroin, right back to not giving two shits about anything but how and when I was going to get high.....but I haven't - and that is a big achievement in my mind, 1 thing I can be proud of myself for. I thought if anyone's death would just destroy me it would be this one (of course I'm not talking about if something happened to Brian, because that'd be an entirely different kind of loss, something too awful to even allow myself to think of) but it hasn't destroyed me...I'm stronger then I give myself credit for sometimes. And again, it's only been 3 months - in time I'm sure I'll be much better then I am today or have been. Thank God for those few people I consider friends though - there are 3 imparticular that have been almost like a glue for me, every time I feel like I'm popping open at the seams, they're able to glue me back together - even if they aren't even aware that that's what is occurring. Thank God for Brian, because the grief and depression associated with this loss would have been a lot more debilitating if I didn't have to fake it for him....especially right now, getting ready for our first Christmas without him - if it weren't for Brian I would love nothing more then to skip Christmas this year - but Brian is here, and Brian deserves to have the best holiday season yet - who knows if this is the last year or not I'll have that he believes in all the magic of Christmas, Santa, etc - I'm not going to miss out on that because I'm missing my father. And although my mom and I still fight a lot - and argue over just about anything we can - we've been there for each other. She was strongest when I was at my weakest - and visa versa. We're trying to hold each other up.
So there is my first real blog post in a really long time. It's length is ridiculous, and the time it took me to write all this is quite impressive, how it just all spilled out of me and into my fingers and onto this page. I hope I succeeded in what I was trying to do, and how I wanted to write this - leave comments and let me know if I still remember how to 'blog' LOL - I’m really going to make an effort to pick it back up, it's silly not to when it can bring me so much comfort. Every time I write a long, descriptive letter, blog, journal entry - I feel like a little weight comes off my shoulders, so the more I write the more weight is taken away.....who would pass that opportunity up?? But yeah, comment if you have the time, just so I know if anyone is still out there in cyber world reading this...I wish you all a very HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND MEMORABLE Holiday season. Much love XOXOXO *Krista*
For anyone who knows me now or did earlier in my life, for anyone who's read my blog or has known my family at any point during my lifetime, and for anyone who knows even just a little bit about me through the grapevine already knows that I've spent my entire life in fear of loosing my dad. I dwelled and dwelled on it so much as a child that I'm sure it was very unhealthy for my mental development and well being. It's always been the 'big fear' the phobia, the darkness that's hung over my head. My mom dealt with her husbands illness in the opposite way, pure denial - he had gone through so many bad phases and bounced back, that I honestly believe that she, at some point, was able to convince herself that she'd never loose him. I always thought my way of approaching the subject was healthier, that it meant I'd be more prepared when it finally did happen - that I was at least dealing with it...but now I truly believe that my mom actually was the one who had it right all these years. Almost every special occasion that I can remember was in part dampered down if not ruined because instead of focusing on how happy I was that Dad was still here, I was concentrating on the fact that that Christmas, or this birthday, or something like that would be his last - then I'd imagine how that would feel, and poof their went my special occasion. I don't say this lightly, but his illness defined me, I allowed it to - the fear I carried with me my entire life weighed on me in such unhealthy ways, it was more of an obsession then it was anything else. I made really big choices in my life, and later down the road those choices affected not only me but a husband and child. Moving away from home, more then maybe an hours drive was something I never considered because I had to be close incase something happened - there were jobs I turned down, opportunities I missed out on and like I said before it was all consuming and totally defined who I was and how I lived my life. I'm not talking about issues I had with drugs being caused by this, or using this as an excuse to why I turned out certain ways that I did.... and my Dad wanted me to succeed more then anything, he wanted to see me happy, healthy, in love and being loved more then he wished for anything else. He always knew what an impact his sickness had on me, and he hated it, blamed himself for me being sad or scared for such a big part of my life. I did though want to clarify that I'm talking about my entire life, choices I made when I was 15 or 16 (before I had even ever gotten drunk or smoked weed) I'm talking about the big picture, not just the section of my life that I've written about so much in this blog, the reasons for there even being a blog to speak of.
The point I'm trying to get at is that because I built loosing my dad up so much in my head, that instead of it preparing me for the day it happened it had almost the opposite effect....the only good thing I can say about how I managed that fear and my life with him, is that I didn't really take it for granted - there were times I'm sure - but the majority of the time our relationship was one in a million. And that is because I always had his illness in the back of my head so we had certain rules in my house growing up....we would never go to bed mad, even if it meant staying up and fighting far into the night we would, my head wasn't allowed to touch my pillow until whatever issue that was there had been resolved, at least enough to say "I love you" and we'll talk more about this in the morning. Every time I left the house I'd give my parents a kiss on the cheek and tell them I loved then, as they did me. At the end of every phone call there was an "I love You," my dad and I would write little notes to each other, every card we ever gave one another had been thought of and not bought quickly but instead we took the time to find the ones that were just perfect for us. I'm comforted by so many pictures, letters, cards, video's....and all those were saved knowing that one day they would be all I had. For petes sake I have his hospital bracelet from when he had that big operation in Pittsburg, I've got little cards from flowers he would get me if we had had a fight the night before and if he felt like he was wrong, I'd get flowers delivered to me with a note that just said "I'm sorry" or "I love you" I saved all those things through all those years. So although my fear of his death took away a lot of my innocence as a kid, and my piece of mind growing up - the way I handled it had it's good points too... the relationship that my father and I had was what it was due to that fear, due to his illness. I don’t know any other woman who shared the kind of Father/Daughter relationship that I had - he was home more then most other Dads because of his illness, so he played Mr. Mom often - I could talk to him about anything, and I mean anything! So although I was always scared of the big black monster that for me was life without him, it did have it's good points. And 10 years ago I thought that it would prevent me in full of having to deal with any type of guilt after he was gone, because I knew he was fully aware of how much I cared for him, how much he meant to me....I was basically a near perfect daughter for the majority of my life. Unfortunately when that changed, when I started rebelling, when I started making awful choices in my life, and when those choices hurt my father more then I could possibly describe I lost that guilt free attitude with him. And it's that guilt that is now giving me the hardest grieving time that I've ever had in the past. When my grandfather passed away there was no guilt - I had expressed to him how much I loved him, I had never disappointed him in the ways I later would have if he hadn't died when he did. I was lying next to him for Gods sake when he took his last breath....so while it devastated me more then I could have imagined...when I was coping with his death I didn't have that awful, all consuming guilt hanging over my head. When Ellis died there was a little guilt there, guilt for not being who he wanted me to be in his life, guilt for being so scared of his death that until those last months with him occurred I had tried pushing him away, thinking it'd hurt less if I were to lose him. But those last months did happen, and I was there for him in every way I could, I told him 10 times a day how much I loved him, how sorry I was that these were the cards he was dealt, how sorry I was for not being a better friend at times during his illness. But I was given a chance to make it right, and I took that chance and ran with it...and looking back I had done that a few times even prior to his last months - like when I organized and worked my ass off on that bone marrow drive I've mentioned at least once in this blog. So yeah there was 'some' guilt there after he died, some little things that kept popping up in my head when I was grieving for him....but for the most part I had peace - knowing that in the end I was a great friend to him, that he knew how much I loved him and how much I was going to miss him. That peace helped me more then anything else could have, with both my Papa and Ellis...but that isn't the case this time around.
My father and I loved one another unconditionally. We'd fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but usually only because we were so much alike, both stubborn and always ready for an argument. But the relationship him and I shared for the first 20 years of my life ended up changing in that last 8 years of his life. He lost respect for me in little pieces here and there for random things I had done or choices I had made. But on June 6th, 2009 I made a choice that would change our relationship in ways that were irreversible. When I was arrested, with his beautiful grandson in the car, when all light was shed on the life I had been living right under his nose without him knowing about it, and when he realized that he could no longer recognize me that was not a turning point for us, it was THE turning point for us. He never wanted perfection from me, his dreams for me weren't aimed at riches, fame, a Pulitzer prize, lol - he just wanted me to be an honest, respectable, loving person - a good mom, a good wife - he wanted for me to be able to be proud of myself - he wanted better for me then he had, etc....he told me one time that I could murder someone, and although he would turn me in (if he thought others were in danger from me) that he would love me no less then he had before, that he would always be in my corner, and that nothing at all could ever change that. He didn't bank on me hurting the one person who came closest to his heart as I did, Brian. So when that happened he told Jim point blank, as long as Brian gets home safe to them, he didn't care if I rotted in that jail cell. At that point he meant every word. The anger faded throughout the next few years - he saw how hard I was trying to right my wrongs - he acknowledged that I was a good mom despite my past actions - he wanted nothing more then to put it all behind us. I have no doubt that he was able to forgive me for my actions during those darkest years, but he didn't have the ability to forget them....and he lived his last years in constant fear that I would end up right back to that point again - that I'd screw up in another horrific way and I'd loose Brian...that fear which he carried made it impossible for us to ever again have that relationship we once had.
So there's where the guilt comes into play. It's a worthless emotion, I know - because I can't change the reasons I have that guilt - and now that he's gone I can't make up for it, or talk to him about it, or whatever I could try to make it right between us again. And after spending my entire life just wanting 1 more year...or him to live long enough to see this, or that...after being so grateful that he made it as long as he did....now part of me wishes I had lost him at 18 - because then I'd be at peace with who I was to him, how strong our relationship was. But of course I'm thrilled that he had 6 full years with Brian - and I wouldn't take that away from either of them just so I could selfishly deal with his death easier. It's just a double edged sword - because by definition I was one hell of a daughter to him until I wasn't - and it seemed to really happen that quickly and without warning.
Then of course both my mom and I have a certain level of guilt that he lived his last months in a nursing home and not here with us. We know in our heads that it was the best option for our whole family, especially my Dad ... but his depression and fear that he felt being over there is a hard pill for us to swallow. He adjusted in the last couple months, and agreed that we had made the right choice - but those first few months spent in the Nursing Home were harder on him then we ever could have seen coming. He said one day to me that he just couldn't believe that this was it, that after fighting for as long as he had, for doing everything he could to stick around for our family, that this was how it was ending....him alone in a bed in a nursing home, where people either go to get rehabilitation, or where they go to die - and he knew which he was there for. Me getting hurt in the beginning of his last summer doesn't help my level of guilt either. I know I didn't get hurt on purpose, and that I didn't have a choice in the matter - but it kept me away from him for 4 entire weeks while I was in the hospital and when I first made it home. It kept me from being able to visit him on a regular basis, to once a week if I was lucky. So missing out on all that time that I could have had with him, hadn't I been hurt, is something else that I'm having a hard time dealing with.
Don't get me wrong though, his last month or so was different. He had come to peace about staying at the nursing home for good...he was having a lot more good days then he had been having a few months prior. Brian, my mom and I were visiting often - Mom was even living there for rehab on her knee for a few weeks, which brought them closer together then they had been in a long time. I'm jealous of that, but so happy for my mom because any guilt she had was being cut down to a more bearable size - they had told each other that they had been lucky for that time because they fell in love with each other all over again....what a gift! The last conversation they had was the afternoon before he died....they last words they spoke to each other were (mom - "I love you Frankie" Dad - "I love you more sweetheart") It can't get much better then that. I didn't see him that day. I had gone to a Dr's appointment in Glens Falls with my grandmother, Brian and mom, and was pissed off when we got home because I wasn't healing as quickly as I was wanting, I was still in so much pain, and I had a attitude that afternoon...one that caused me to not want to deal with anyone, so when we got back to North Creek my mom dropped me and Brian off at the house, and she went to see my dad....I hadn't even called him that night - well I had tried but he didn't answer. So I can't tell you what our last words were to each other, I can't say that I had an amazing conversation with him that day - and I'm jealous of my mom for getting them both.
When the phone rang at 10:00 - 10:30 PM that night I knew right away it had something to do with Dad. Him being dead never entered my mind, but I thought maybe he was having a bad night, confused, scared - and they were calling to see if someone could come sit with him...or a nurse was letting us know that he was going to the hospital for whatever reason. But when I heard her voice, and when she asked specifically to speak with my mom it all changed. The volume on the phone was loud enough that I even heard her ask my mom if she was sitting down - I knew. My mom freaked out, she was in such shock because there hadn't been a warning, she screamed and cried - I just sat calmly and called my Aunt and Grandmother to ask one of them to come over and pick her up, she had to go to the nursing home to sign papers, and wait for the funeral home to pick him up. Brian was here that night so I wasn't going anywhere, and even if he hadn't been - I still would have stayed home.... I was numb, it wasn't real to me at all. So my Aunt and Zat (grandmother) rushed right over to the house to pick up my mom....I asked my mom to tell them not to come in because I didn't want to see anyone - because I didn't want the numbness to be gone yet. But my Aunt Sass did come in, and she sat next to me and hugged me, cried and told me how sorry she was....it was starting to sink in. Then after they left - I calmly started the phone calls, Jim, my sister Laura, my best friend Katy, and my best guy friend at the time Steve. Steve was amazing, before I had a chance to finish the sentence he had turned his truck around and was heading here to be with me. I know I ended up freaking him out a little bit though by the lack of emotion I was showing - I wasn't a puddle, I was like a robot one minute, then a little emotion would spill out until I caught myself and went back to being a robot.
I miss my father more then I could possibly explain. I'd give almost anything for 1 more movie night with him...1 more moment where I acted like a lap dog and would curl myself on top of his lap for a big hug....1 more argument even....1 more "I love you", just 1 more of anything. In the last 3 months since he died I've gone back and fourth between Robot and emotional basket case. There will be days upon days that I don't even tear up....then there will be a day, without any reason or warning where I can barely hold myself together. It's extra hard that he was such a Ghost to the majority of people well before his death. Even my mother's family had barely laid eyes on him for the last few years of his life. He wasn't able to go to the store anymore - my mom wasn't working at the Laundromat anymore so he didn't have there to go to socialize and get out of the house - he hadn't been well enough to go to family functions, etc. So other then for my Mom, myself, Brian, Jim, Zat and a few random people that would be at my house sporadically to visit - he was a Ghost. It's hard enough when it's all done, like the funeral, the people stopping over, the cards stop coming, people stop randomly calling to check it - that's when it starts to really hit you...but in my dads situation it wasn't just that typical stuff that was hard, knowing that his death would only truly affect a small handful of people was hard to accept. He was too good of a man for that, he was my everything, so it's hard to see that other people had felt like he was gone years before he actually died.
Sometime I just want to be alone, to not have anyone around me. But there are other times where I want to let go of holding it all inside, be around someone I'm comfortable enough with to cry, scream, whatever it is I feel I need to do at that time. Nights are the hardest of course - so that's usually when I frantically at times will reach out to the few good friends I have....and if it's at all possible beg them if I must to come over and hang out, just to watch a movie - just so I'm not sitting alone, scared, sad, missing my father. Quiet has become an enemy of mine, thinking has become what sets me off, and the guilt is what I dwell on. But when I get lucky, and happen to be having one of those awful nights, and can find a good friend to sit with me, just be here, it makes all the difference in the world. I keep trying to convince myself that this is normal, that I'm not making more out of this then I should be - loosing a parent is one of the hardest things anyone can go through - loosing my dad was even a little bit harder then most. It can be all consuming at times, all I can think about, all I can focus on - but those times aren't frequent, and I feel like I'm holding it together better then I thought I would. Last year I would have expected that when this would happen I'd run right back to the Heroin, right back to not giving two shits about anything but how and when I was going to get high.....but I haven't - and that is a big achievement in my mind, 1 thing I can be proud of myself for. I thought if anyone's death would just destroy me it would be this one (of course I'm not talking about if something happened to Brian, because that'd be an entirely different kind of loss, something too awful to even allow myself to think of) but it hasn't destroyed me...I'm stronger then I give myself credit for sometimes. And again, it's only been 3 months - in time I'm sure I'll be much better then I am today or have been. Thank God for those few people I consider friends though - there are 3 imparticular that have been almost like a glue for me, every time I feel like I'm popping open at the seams, they're able to glue me back together - even if they aren't even aware that that's what is occurring. Thank God for Brian, because the grief and depression associated with this loss would have been a lot more debilitating if I didn't have to fake it for him....especially right now, getting ready for our first Christmas without him - if it weren't for Brian I would love nothing more then to skip Christmas this year - but Brian is here, and Brian deserves to have the best holiday season yet - who knows if this is the last year or not I'll have that he believes in all the magic of Christmas, Santa, etc - I'm not going to miss out on that because I'm missing my father. And although my mom and I still fight a lot - and argue over just about anything we can - we've been there for each other. She was strongest when I was at my weakest - and visa versa. We're trying to hold each other up.
So there is my first real blog post in a really long time. It's length is ridiculous, and the time it took me to write all this is quite impressive, how it just all spilled out of me and into my fingers and onto this page. I hope I succeeded in what I was trying to do, and how I wanted to write this - leave comments and let me know if I still remember how to 'blog' LOL - I’m really going to make an effort to pick it back up, it's silly not to when it can bring me so much comfort. Every time I write a long, descriptive letter, blog, journal entry - I feel like a little weight comes off my shoulders, so the more I write the more weight is taken away.....who would pass that opportunity up?? But yeah, comment if you have the time, just so I know if anyone is still out there in cyber world reading this...I wish you all a very HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND MEMORABLE Holiday season. Much love XOXOXO *Krista*
Monday, December 5, 2011
Long time
Wow, I just was asked by one a friend how my blog was going....I told him I couldn't even remember the last time that I had written in it - and he told me in so many words that I should start back up because he always found my story moving and honest, which is quite a compliment. Writing has always been very theraputic for me, yet it seems like when things in my life have ever gotten too over emotional I clam up and have a hard time writing. So this will be an attempt, not promising that it'll add up to much of anything. I'm not going to try and fill people in on my entire life since I last wrote, I dont have that much time nor patience at the moment to even try to condense that much into a single post....but I will write about the most significant event that occurred, which if you know me at all, you know I'm talking about the death of my father on August 29th, 2011.
After 28 years of being ill and having so many close calls, my Dad finally lost his battle and passed away in his sleep at 10:30 PM on that Monday night in August. He had actually been doing quite well, we had no warning what so ever and although he had been sick for so long it was a huge shock to us when we got that awful phone call. I have to be grateful though because he didn't suffer that night - he fell asleep after a big meal and jokes with his nurses, a perfect last conversation and visit with my mom and died shortly thereafter from not being able to expell enough CO2.
The first week or so I was a complete puddle....then the numbness set in, which I thought was great. Now again it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I just have so much guilt, so many things I wish I had done differently, so many 'should-a would-a could-a's.' He was the single most important man in my life (my son of course isn't a man yet) and I had been terrified of his death my entire life....God I was imagining what his funeral would be like when I layed in bed during my early childhood. It was always this big looming black monster that I built my life around, as pathetic as that sounds.
So now there's this huge gaping hole. The fact that it's Christmas time is of course making it all the more difficult. It's hard too because I feel as if my Dad was a Ghost to most people during his last years - he wasn't well enough to leave the house, he didn't have friends, no one came to visit - so it was just always us....so it's a really lonely feeling thinking that i'm one of only 2 or 3 other people who are feeling this tremendous loss.
See I can't even write - I attempted, I failed. I'm just turning myself into a blubbering mess and that's just pointless. "Grin and Bare it" right? It's a part of life, no one escapes it. I know everyone says this, and when I lost my grandfather, and then Ellis I said it then too - but what I would give for just one more conversation, hug, "i love you." And now I wish I could just turn it off and go back to that comfortable state of numbness I was living in soon after his death - but the longer it goes the more it sinks in and the more permenant I realize it is. Thank God I have a few very close friends who are there for me, those people really have helped me keep it together these last few months. For some reason the last couple nights have just been extra rough....I have to remember though it's only been 3 months - which in all reality isn't that long when it comes to the whole grieving process. And there are good things in my life right now - wonderful things - I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom. It's just a shitty night, some are shittier then others and for right now this is right up there with the worst of em - but one thing that is pretty amazing about life, no matter how good or bad things are - they change, and one day I can feel like I do right now, and tomorrow I could be in the most peaceful place imaginable....it just is what it is.
But right now I'm just tired, and forcing myself to write isn't what this should be, just stating facts and rambling to try and fill a page was never the point of this blog....so I'll just stop here. Hopefully in the near future I'll be in a better place and will be able to really write about things, not just explain details, if that makes sense. So Im going to go get my beautiful little boy fed, bathed and ready for bed....I hope anyone who reads this can find themselves in a wonderful place, ready for the holidays and you are content with your life right now! I'm going to turn the faucet off and go spend the two hours with Brian before he's in bed, and pray that I'm able to sleep tonight - I will complain and whine about one more thing...nights! I won't even attempt to go to bed until I'm to the point of such exhaustion that i know I will pass right out - too many things run through my mind if I try and lie in bed waiting to sleep. Thank you to my friends and family who have listened and not told me to shut up these last few months - who have been here for me and my mom as much as possible. I dont know where I'd be without those 'good ole folks' lol :-) If you've made it this far in reading this blog I give you lots of credit, I dont know if I could handle reading someone go on and on about this kind of subject matter. Next time I write I'll try and do it in the daytime - nothing for me is as sad or scary in the day as they are at night. XOXOXO
After 28 years of being ill and having so many close calls, my Dad finally lost his battle and passed away in his sleep at 10:30 PM on that Monday night in August. He had actually been doing quite well, we had no warning what so ever and although he had been sick for so long it was a huge shock to us when we got that awful phone call. I have to be grateful though because he didn't suffer that night - he fell asleep after a big meal and jokes with his nurses, a perfect last conversation and visit with my mom and died shortly thereafter from not being able to expell enough CO2.
The first week or so I was a complete puddle....then the numbness set in, which I thought was great. Now again it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. I just have so much guilt, so many things I wish I had done differently, so many 'should-a would-a could-a's.' He was the single most important man in my life (my son of course isn't a man yet) and I had been terrified of his death my entire life....God I was imagining what his funeral would be like when I layed in bed during my early childhood. It was always this big looming black monster that I built my life around, as pathetic as that sounds.
So now there's this huge gaping hole. The fact that it's Christmas time is of course making it all the more difficult. It's hard too because I feel as if my Dad was a Ghost to most people during his last years - he wasn't well enough to leave the house, he didn't have friends, no one came to visit - so it was just always us....so it's a really lonely feeling thinking that i'm one of only 2 or 3 other people who are feeling this tremendous loss.
See I can't even write - I attempted, I failed. I'm just turning myself into a blubbering mess and that's just pointless. "Grin and Bare it" right? It's a part of life, no one escapes it. I know everyone says this, and when I lost my grandfather, and then Ellis I said it then too - but what I would give for just one more conversation, hug, "i love you." And now I wish I could just turn it off and go back to that comfortable state of numbness I was living in soon after his death - but the longer it goes the more it sinks in and the more permenant I realize it is. Thank God I have a few very close friends who are there for me, those people really have helped me keep it together these last few months. For some reason the last couple nights have just been extra rough....I have to remember though it's only been 3 months - which in all reality isn't that long when it comes to the whole grieving process. And there are good things in my life right now - wonderful things - I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom. It's just a shitty night, some are shittier then others and for right now this is right up there with the worst of em - but one thing that is pretty amazing about life, no matter how good or bad things are - they change, and one day I can feel like I do right now, and tomorrow I could be in the most peaceful place imaginable....it just is what it is.
But right now I'm just tired, and forcing myself to write isn't what this should be, just stating facts and rambling to try and fill a page was never the point of this blog....so I'll just stop here. Hopefully in the near future I'll be in a better place and will be able to really write about things, not just explain details, if that makes sense. So Im going to go get my beautiful little boy fed, bathed and ready for bed....I hope anyone who reads this can find themselves in a wonderful place, ready for the holidays and you are content with your life right now! I'm going to turn the faucet off and go spend the two hours with Brian before he's in bed, and pray that I'm able to sleep tonight - I will complain and whine about one more thing...nights! I won't even attempt to go to bed until I'm to the point of such exhaustion that i know I will pass right out - too many things run through my mind if I try and lie in bed waiting to sleep. Thank you to my friends and family who have listened and not told me to shut up these last few months - who have been here for me and my mom as much as possible. I dont know where I'd be without those 'good ole folks' lol :-) If you've made it this far in reading this blog I give you lots of credit, I dont know if I could handle reading someone go on and on about this kind of subject matter. Next time I write I'll try and do it in the daytime - nothing for me is as sad or scary in the day as they are at night. XOXOXO
Saturday, July 2, 2011
6 months!
I'm so disappointed with myself, SIX months since I've written my last blog entry. The main reason I wanted to write daily was so when I did write I didn't have to spend hours filling people in on what's been occurring - there goes that grand idea, huh? There is just so much that's happened in the last 6 months, that I know without a doubt that it'd be impossible to sit here that long and try to cover it all. So I'm going to make a list of a few of the main things that have 'gone down' and then I'm just going to write about the last few weeks I've had, best plan I could come up with :-)
-Dad came down with double pneumonia. As a family we've always been so scared of pneumonia, that's been like the big scary sickness my dad's done everything to avoid since I can remember. Anyone who lives in or has lived in this household for any period of time has gotten their yearly flu shots, if someone was sick with any type of bad cold or had a fever they weren't allowed in, my dad wouldn't share drinks with any of us if we had the slightest cold, etc. So the fact that he had double pneumonia, was just scary icing on the cake. Yet, after some time in the hospital and lots of IV antibiotics, he beat it...and it was a severe case also which made it even more impressive. When he was discharged from the hospital he went into the nursing home, for good this time. It's been super difficult because he hates it there and wants so badly to come home...if he could just accept it and stop thinking there was a way for him to come home, then I believe it would be easier on us all. It doesn't help though that his current roommate is deaf, dumb and blind and is in pain so he moans all the time. Poor man. But it's so hard for my dad to be there anyhow, but to have to deal with such a sad and depressing situation right in his room doesn't help. See and my dad still is 100% mentally coherent, and with it...and many of the other patients over there just aren't, many people with dementia of all kinds, and for someone who is mentally as sharp as a tack, it's scary, depressing and can make you feel very alone. I could go on for a really long time about this scenario, how we made this decision, how we've all been dealing with it, why he's in there permanently, etc etc etc - but like I said I really don't want to just write about past events to catch everyone up, because my recent event is long enough of a story to try and explain.
Just by looking at how long that one explanation became, I changed my mind and will try to catch everyone up in another blog post...because I can't sit at my computer desk for very long periods of time and I'd never make it if I wrote what I had intended on writing. "Krista, why can't you sit at your computer desk for any long length of time?" Computer, I'm so glad you asked, because I was just getting to that, lol - yeah I'm pathetic, haha.
On June 4th I was walking down my porch steps and slipped and fell. It didn't hurt that badly, I got a small scratch on the top of my foot, twisted my ankle a bit, but nothing sever to say the least. I didn't even need a band aid on my foot, it wasn't even bleeding - just a little scrape. The next morning I noticed that my left foot was swollen up quite a lot, but just figured it was due to the fact that I had twisted my ankle and assumed it was sprained. By that night though it began hurting really badly and I could barely walk on it. The next 2 days it just got worse, swelled more, hurt terribly, and I couldn't even put an ounce of weight on it. On the 2nd night I called my Aunt Sass after realizing my temp was 104 and asked her if the next morning she could bring me down to the ER...which of course she agreed to.
As soon as I hobbled into triage I knew things were much worse then I had expected. The nurse looked at my foot and had me sent within 2 minutes into the ER. Then when doctors started flocking around me I knew things were a lot more serious then I had expected. I started hearing words like "septic, emergency surgery, cellulites, MRSA, fever, etc." They then gave me a big ole shot of fentynal which got me pretty fuzzy and I don't remember too much after that.
An amazing Doctor who is head of the vascular unit at GFH was my surgeon and I felt very comfortable with him right off the bat, thank God! So the next time I really started sobering up was up in the ICU, with my first IV's, and a heart monitor, and all sorts of tubes and machines. I found out that in my surgery the Doctor had to remove 3 big holes from the top of my foot, in hopes that the infection would drain through those and not cause more damage. I was on two super heavy duty antibiotics through my IV's, and it turns out that my specific strain of infection was a Strep. The main three that are like what I had are Staph, MRSA, and Strep. The Dr. told me that the little scratch on my foot was the reason behind it, and assured me that I'd be ok and that everyone would be keeping a close eye on me.
The next day when the surgeon came in to change my bandaging all hell broke loose in my room. First off I had a mild panic attack when I looked at the three huge holes in my foot...and the pain was so intense that I came close to passing out. Then he told me that we were most likely going to have to operate again because there were new black area's of my skin, which means dying tissue. Yeah isn't that nice, I had a flesh eating disease, ick. Then he noticed that my left leg was bright red and hot too the touch - meaning the infection had traveled upwards. He quickly scheduled my second surgery for the following day, and drew some lines on my leg so he'd be able to tell if the red area's were higher or lower the next time he saw me. I was warned though that if black area's showed up on my leg then an amputation might be my only option.
So of course I was scared out of my mind, my family was in and out of the hospital visiting, and they were all scared to death...it was just a nightmare. The second surgery sucked! I woke up very quickly after being wheeled out of the OR, and when I did, the pain was so unbearable that I had never experienced anything close to it, yes even in childbirth. When I got back to my room my grandmother, and mom were in there and my crying only got worse and the pain wasn't getting any better. Luckily the nurses ended up rushing in and giving me more pain meds through my IV and it was just enough to bring it down to a humane level. I was still in the ICU at this point, had barely slept a wink because of pain and fear, and was missing Brian like crazy.
The next morning my surgeon came in to look at his handwork. First though he looked at my leg, and finally I was cut a break and the redness had started to lighten up and move down! So for the time being I was keeping my leg, which made things so much less terrifying. Then he took off my bandage and the panic attack I had after the first surgery was nothing compared to the freak out I had this time. I wish I had a picture of what it looked like on that first day, but I do have a picture from a week later...lucky you all, I'll show you - it's already been on facebook so most of you have se
en it.
I spent another 5 or 6 days in the ICU, which is the way to go if your in a hospital! The nurses only have like 2 patients at a time, so you get tons of great and quick care, private room, and just a few other nice perks that aren't available in other parts of the hospital. After that time I was transferred down to the surgical floor and stayed there about another week. Totaling my hospital stay at 16 days.
To sum this up quickly because my foot's starting to hurt - if it's not elevated it does that. I am now home. I have to go to the wound center once a week to see my surgeon, and I have a private nurse come into the house once a day to change my bandages. I'm now off antibiotics, which makes me a little nervous since I have a huge open wound, but ah well. I've got about 3 or more operations to look forward too. Skin grafts, harvesting healthy tissue from my hip, and whatever else they need to do. Once I start feeling better I'll start physical therapy, ect. No question that my summer will be spent with my foot up in bed, unable to work or anything, after that I can't even guess what the time period will look like, neither can the doctors. I'm keeping a good attitude though, grateful that this wasn't all much much worse. I'm figuring out how to still do fun stuff with Brian, inside and out. It is what it is though and all I can do is make the best of it, because like I said, it's going to be a long recovery.
I'll definitely write again soon to get my blog caught up. If I was crazy with details in the beginning and then just raced through things in the end that's just because my foot started throbbing so I wanted to wrap things up quickley. Hope you are all well....lots of love.
-Dad came down with double pneumonia. As a family we've always been so scared of pneumonia, that's been like the big scary sickness my dad's done everything to avoid since I can remember. Anyone who lives in or has lived in this household for any period of time has gotten their yearly flu shots, if someone was sick with any type of bad cold or had a fever they weren't allowed in, my dad wouldn't share drinks with any of us if we had the slightest cold, etc. So the fact that he had double pneumonia, was just scary icing on the cake. Yet, after some time in the hospital and lots of IV antibiotics, he beat it...and it was a severe case also which made it even more impressive. When he was discharged from the hospital he went into the nursing home, for good this time. It's been super difficult because he hates it there and wants so badly to come home...if he could just accept it and stop thinking there was a way for him to come home, then I believe it would be easier on us all. It doesn't help though that his current roommate is deaf, dumb and blind and is in pain so he moans all the time. Poor man. But it's so hard for my dad to be there anyhow, but to have to deal with such a sad and depressing situation right in his room doesn't help. See and my dad still is 100% mentally coherent, and with it...and many of the other patients over there just aren't, many people with dementia of all kinds, and for someone who is mentally as sharp as a tack, it's scary, depressing and can make you feel very alone. I could go on for a really long time about this scenario, how we made this decision, how we've all been dealing with it, why he's in there permanently, etc etc etc - but like I said I really don't want to just write about past events to catch everyone up, because my recent event is long enough of a story to try and explain.
Just by looking at how long that one explanation became, I changed my mind and will try to catch everyone up in another blog post...because I can't sit at my computer desk for very long periods of time and I'd never make it if I wrote what I had intended on writing. "Krista, why can't you sit at your computer desk for any long length of time?" Computer, I'm so glad you asked, because I was just getting to that, lol - yeah I'm pathetic, haha.
On June 4th I was walking down my porch steps and slipped and fell. It didn't hurt that badly, I got a small scratch on the top of my foot, twisted my ankle a bit, but nothing sever to say the least. I didn't even need a band aid on my foot, it wasn't even bleeding - just a little scrape. The next morning I noticed that my left foot was swollen up quite a lot, but just figured it was due to the fact that I had twisted my ankle and assumed it was sprained. By that night though it began hurting really badly and I could barely walk on it. The next 2 days it just got worse, swelled more, hurt terribly, and I couldn't even put an ounce of weight on it. On the 2nd night I called my Aunt Sass after realizing my temp was 104 and asked her if the next morning she could bring me down to the ER...which of course she agreed to.
As soon as I hobbled into triage I knew things were much worse then I had expected. The nurse looked at my foot and had me sent within 2 minutes into the ER. Then when doctors started flocking around me I knew things were a lot more serious then I had expected. I started hearing words like "septic, emergency surgery, cellulites, MRSA, fever, etc." They then gave me a big ole shot of fentynal which got me pretty fuzzy and I don't remember too much after that.
An amazing Doctor who is head of the vascular unit at GFH was my surgeon and I felt very comfortable with him right off the bat, thank God! So the next time I really started sobering up was up in the ICU, with my first IV's, and a heart monitor, and all sorts of tubes and machines. I found out that in my surgery the Doctor had to remove 3 big holes from the top of my foot, in hopes that the infection would drain through those and not cause more damage. I was on two super heavy duty antibiotics through my IV's, and it turns out that my specific strain of infection was a Strep. The main three that are like what I had are Staph, MRSA, and Strep. The Dr. told me that the little scratch on my foot was the reason behind it, and assured me that I'd be ok and that everyone would be keeping a close eye on me.
The next day when the surgeon came in to change my bandaging all hell broke loose in my room. First off I had a mild panic attack when I looked at the three huge holes in my foot...and the pain was so intense that I came close to passing out. Then he told me that we were most likely going to have to operate again because there were new black area's of my skin, which means dying tissue. Yeah isn't that nice, I had a flesh eating disease, ick. Then he noticed that my left leg was bright red and hot too the touch - meaning the infection had traveled upwards. He quickly scheduled my second surgery for the following day, and drew some lines on my leg so he'd be able to tell if the red area's were higher or lower the next time he saw me. I was warned though that if black area's showed up on my leg then an amputation might be my only option.
So of course I was scared out of my mind, my family was in and out of the hospital visiting, and they were all scared to death...it was just a nightmare. The second surgery sucked! I woke up very quickly after being wheeled out of the OR, and when I did, the pain was so unbearable that I had never experienced anything close to it, yes even in childbirth. When I got back to my room my grandmother, and mom were in there and my crying only got worse and the pain wasn't getting any better. Luckily the nurses ended up rushing in and giving me more pain meds through my IV and it was just enough to bring it down to a humane level. I was still in the ICU at this point, had barely slept a wink because of pain and fear, and was missing Brian like crazy.
The next morning my surgeon came in to look at his handwork. First though he looked at my leg, and finally I was cut a break and the redness had started to lighten up and move down! So for the time being I was keeping my leg, which made things so much less terrifying. Then he took off my bandage and the panic attack I had after the first surgery was nothing compared to the freak out I had this time. I wish I had a picture of what it looked like on that first day, but I do have a picture from a week later...lucky you all, I'll show you - it's already been on facebook so most of you have se
en it.
I spent another 5 or 6 days in the ICU, which is the way to go if your in a hospital! The nurses only have like 2 patients at a time, so you get tons of great and quick care, private room, and just a few other nice perks that aren't available in other parts of the hospital. After that time I was transferred down to the surgical floor and stayed there about another week. Totaling my hospital stay at 16 days.
To sum this up quickly because my foot's starting to hurt - if it's not elevated it does that. I am now home. I have to go to the wound center once a week to see my surgeon, and I have a private nurse come into the house once a day to change my bandages. I'm now off antibiotics, which makes me a little nervous since I have a huge open wound, but ah well. I've got about 3 or more operations to look forward too. Skin grafts, harvesting healthy tissue from my hip, and whatever else they need to do. Once I start feeling better I'll start physical therapy, ect. No question that my summer will be spent with my foot up in bed, unable to work or anything, after that I can't even guess what the time period will look like, neither can the doctors. I'm keeping a good attitude though, grateful that this wasn't all much much worse. I'm figuring out how to still do fun stuff with Brian, inside and out. It is what it is though and all I can do is make the best of it, because like I said, it's going to be a long recovery.
I'll definitely write again soon to get my blog caught up. If I was crazy with details in the beginning and then just raced through things in the end that's just because my foot started throbbing so I wanted to wrap things up quickley. Hope you are all well....lots of love.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Rugrats
Well I'm sitting at the computer desk while Brian is watching some Rugrat movie on Netflix through his Wii and thought I'd briefly blog, again trying to get myself back into the habit.
Today was a nice, average day...Brian got home at 7AM, we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, had some pancakes, played in the snow, shoveled, had some dinner, played some games and now it's almost bedtime. I dare say that it was a perfectly contented average day, and I like those! I feel like I'm currently waiting for the 'other shoe to drop...' and it's not even like things are going so perfectly in my life as it is, but I'm reaching certain levels of comfort and that never seems to last long, so Im a little wearie of it. I've accepted the 4 day a week mom role, for now anyways, and I'm beginning to enjoy my 3 nights I have weekly to myself, to what I want to do....and yes for the record, I feel guilty that I've come to that, and gotten used to it - but I have. Hopefully I can chop it up to growth, allowing change, attapting to undesirable situations that I can't control, etc....hopefully it's not my true selfish nature coming through to the surface.
As much as I feel like I'm on a roll right now and could really dive into some long winded post with tid bits of sanity - Brian is begging for me to play 1 game of Mario Cart with him before he goes off to bed...and quite frankly I'm not very good at saying no to him, he's too damn cute for my own good, LOL. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend, take care!
Today was a nice, average day...Brian got home at 7AM, we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, had some pancakes, played in the snow, shoveled, had some dinner, played some games and now it's almost bedtime. I dare say that it was a perfectly contented average day, and I like those! I feel like I'm currently waiting for the 'other shoe to drop...' and it's not even like things are going so perfectly in my life as it is, but I'm reaching certain levels of comfort and that never seems to last long, so Im a little wearie of it. I've accepted the 4 day a week mom role, for now anyways, and I'm beginning to enjoy my 3 nights I have weekly to myself, to what I want to do....and yes for the record, I feel guilty that I've come to that, and gotten used to it - but I have. Hopefully I can chop it up to growth, allowing change, attapting to undesirable situations that I can't control, etc....hopefully it's not my true selfish nature coming through to the surface.
As much as I feel like I'm on a roll right now and could really dive into some long winded post with tid bits of sanity - Brian is begging for me to play 1 game of Mario Cart with him before he goes off to bed...and quite frankly I'm not very good at saying no to him, he's too damn cute for my own good, LOL. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend, take care!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1/1/11
Well it's a whole New Year - and since I was probably 13 I always had a little extra smidge of hope on New Years...thinking of it as a clean slate, fresh start. It's pretty stupid to really think that way because it is just another day, things are never any different on 1/1 as they were on 12/31 - but even so there is always that flicker of chance that things will drastically change overnight....again it's dumb to think that way, but like most people I can't help myself.
Strangely enough, I haven't been crazy miserable as of late - I'll even go as far as to say that I've almost been on a level of contentment. I'm not saying there isn't still plenty that needs to change, plenty of ways I can improve my life, endless options of ways I can do so, and there still are tons of things that need to be 'tweaked.' BUT all and all things have been pretty decent lately and I'm not taking that for granted. I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be content, yeah fame and fortune would be great, but I'll be 100% satisfied to just reach a level of existence that is bearable; content on certain levels.
I'm getting used to the way things are now - that Brian is here when he is, and not when he's not....that Jim isn't my husband anymore, even if legally he is....that it'll continue to be an uphill battle for a long time to come....I'm no longer looking so hard for that instant gratification that would change things in a second - I'm grown up enough now to realize that things don't work that way and that the only person to change my life will and always has been me. That doesn't freak me out anymore, which is a big step for me - knowing that someone or something won't just swoop down and fix it all, really understanding that it's up to me........again for anyone who really knows me, knows that just me realizing something so simple once and for all is pretty big.
I still need to find a more reliable job, I have no desire to wake up at 40 and still be waiting tables. I still very much need to be on my own and not living at my parents house with my son at 27 years old. I still need to do a lot of work on myself. But if I look at where I was last year on this day, I see a big improvement, and I dont even need to bring up where I was 2 or 3 years ago at this time....so although I'm not where I want to be yet, I sure aren't where I was and there is something to be said for that also. This was my first Christmas without being a family in a long time - no Jim - no Brian on Christmas Eve - this time last year was when we were officially splitting up once and for all...and the months that followed were rough and I was a pretty big mess. The point is that I'm just happy to not be there anymore, and where I am isn't so horrible. So just starting a new year realizing that and not wishing for crazy unrealistic things sounds good to me.
For now I'm gonna go drink as much coffee as my stomach can hold, hang out with Bri a little, and get ready for work tonight. This wasn't the most insightful or entertaining blog I've ever had, but I thought I should at least check in quick because I haven't written since November. I hope everyone had a great holiday season, and I'm sure everyone is midly relieved at least that it's over :-) Happy 2011 everyone, lets make it a good year!
Strangely enough, I haven't been crazy miserable as of late - I'll even go as far as to say that I've almost been on a level of contentment. I'm not saying there isn't still plenty that needs to change, plenty of ways I can improve my life, endless options of ways I can do so, and there still are tons of things that need to be 'tweaked.' BUT all and all things have been pretty decent lately and I'm not taking that for granted. I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be content, yeah fame and fortune would be great, but I'll be 100% satisfied to just reach a level of existence that is bearable; content on certain levels.
I'm getting used to the way things are now - that Brian is here when he is, and not when he's not....that Jim isn't my husband anymore, even if legally he is....that it'll continue to be an uphill battle for a long time to come....I'm no longer looking so hard for that instant gratification that would change things in a second - I'm grown up enough now to realize that things don't work that way and that the only person to change my life will and always has been me. That doesn't freak me out anymore, which is a big step for me - knowing that someone or something won't just swoop down and fix it all, really understanding that it's up to me........again for anyone who really knows me, knows that just me realizing something so simple once and for all is pretty big.
I still need to find a more reliable job, I have no desire to wake up at 40 and still be waiting tables. I still very much need to be on my own and not living at my parents house with my son at 27 years old. I still need to do a lot of work on myself. But if I look at where I was last year on this day, I see a big improvement, and I dont even need to bring up where I was 2 or 3 years ago at this time....so although I'm not where I want to be yet, I sure aren't where I was and there is something to be said for that also. This was my first Christmas without being a family in a long time - no Jim - no Brian on Christmas Eve - this time last year was when we were officially splitting up once and for all...and the months that followed were rough and I was a pretty big mess. The point is that I'm just happy to not be there anymore, and where I am isn't so horrible. So just starting a new year realizing that and not wishing for crazy unrealistic things sounds good to me.
For now I'm gonna go drink as much coffee as my stomach can hold, hang out with Bri a little, and get ready for work tonight. This wasn't the most insightful or entertaining blog I've ever had, but I thought I should at least check in quick because I haven't written since November. I hope everyone had a great holiday season, and I'm sure everyone is midly relieved at least that it's over :-) Happy 2011 everyone, lets make it a good year!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My 100th Post ...
Although it's impressive that this is my 100th post here in my blog, I said in the beginning that I would write every single day so it's lacking quite a bit from where it should be...ah well it didn't turn into the daily writing I was initially meaning for it to be but it's still my blog just the same and just so happens to be getting up there in post numbers.
It's Saturday night and Brian is watching cartoons in the room with me while I'm writing, just getting settled back in from being at his Dad's since Wednesday. I'm purely exhausted from staying up all but for an hour or two last night while spending time with a friend...I had also stayed with him on Wednesday and didn't sleep much then either so in the last three nights I'm running on very little sleep. So needless to say I'm counting the minutes until bedtime, it'll be an early one tonight for both the 5 year old and the 27 year old :-)
I had a really great couple nights away from home this week, much needed. Spending this time with my friend out of town on a regular basis has proven to re-instate some of my sanity that gets lost during the rest of the week while I'm here. Although I miss Brian soooo much while he's gone, it does give me the opportunity to have the time away and nights elsewhere so of course with as many con's and there are; there are also pro's.
It doesn't take me long to get stressed out and overwhelmed sitting here at home, so having a night set aside almost each week to go elsewhere and relax is truly a life saver...not to mention the fact that the friend I'm spending this time with is probably one of the only people in the world right now I can sit and be 100% comfortable being around, 100% comfortable being me, in all my 'broken', 'messed up', 'dysfunctional' glory. I actually think if we're being honest here, he's the ONLY person that's the case with at this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close friends that know pretty much all there is to know about me...but the difference here is that this particular friend doesn't just know but can relate in so many more ways then anyone else. That's rare and I'm definitely not taking it for granted because I can't imagine not having him in my life right now.
So even though I have a headache from hell, feel like I'm going to fall asleep as I sit here and type, have zero patience and can't wait to go to bed - I have a little extra contentment that wasn't so much there before this week. I'm so relieved that I didn't waste any time, $, and effort in going to see Justin or as much as writing him a letter since our last little chat. I wish I had been a little more cruel during that last phone conversation, and really told him where to shove it - but it doesn't really matter one way or another, because I'm just happy that his little section of my life that's been open since we met is now officially and forever closed. I'm just so the kind of person that needs things to be spelled out right in front of their face to get it through my thick skull, and I'm glad that it was so I can rest assured that there wasn't some 'unopened door' that I'll wonder and regret not looking into. I did look into it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to be a friend to him, I even left the possibility of more then friendship be in my head...I did my part to ensure that I wasn't missing an oportunity to gain happiness in my life, and that's all I can do - I'm glad I did...because again, if I hadn't I would have always wondered. I live off of 'what if's' and 'shoulda, woulda coulda's' and I hate regret so much that I do everything in my power to eliminate as many potential regrets as possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which leaves my heart capable of being bumped, banged and thrown around quite a bit - but it's who I am and I'd rather be like that then a bitter, untrusting person who never gives anything a shot.
I guess I just need to, in the present and future realize that things that are supposed to be really don't need as much effort as I tend to allow to be given. Things that are right, just are - people who are supposed to be in my life, just are - and the people with whom I find the most comfort being around are the people that I don't have to work at all to impress, change myself for, or force anything more then what is. I'm so exhausted I'm probably ranting much more in circles then normal and not making sense to anyone - so I'm going to cut this short. I'm just saying that in the last 72 hours I've been able to feel like me and haven't had any shame in feeling that way, it's a huge relief to have any hours like that, much less so many all in one period.
I run so many circles around people and things, put so much effort into making things more then they are, and can be so good at being what other's expect or want me to be - and it's so unnecessary. I have people in my life that i don't need to do those things with, I have people who don't want anything more from me then what I can easily offer, they just want me to be me...I waste so much time doing other wise and it's finally sinking in that it's really time that I should be elsewhere. A lot of people don't even have one person that they can show their true colors too, and I have a few...and even one of them who not only excepts my reality but can relate on an entirely different level then anyone else. That makes me lucky. Between those few amazing friends, that one even more amazing friend, my beautiful son, and family that loves me, I'm much better off then most and I don't need to keep searching for anything else at this point in time.
So tonight I'm going to sleep like a rock, a calm, comfortable, contented ROCK. I'm going to enjoy having my son home, happy, safe and secure with me. I'm going to look forward to getting away for a night again next week. And I'm going to do what I almost never find myself doing, and not project, not look for anything but what I have, and just be grateful. I have a big heart, which leads me to make stupid choices sometimes, and leads me to get hurt other times ---- but it's that same heart that some people genuinley love and appreciate and it's that same heart that leaves myself open to that...so I'm not complaining, tonight I'm ok taking the good with the bad. I'm content with who is in my life, and I'm ok with who is not. And I'm just getting off of a high that all stemmed from just laughing my ass off, being myself, being close with someone else, important conversations that needed to be had, relaxing and being ok in my own skin for a change. I can only hope that there is someone out there for everyone that they can feel such comfort with, whether it be a parent, sibling, friend, significant other, or whatever - because it really counts.
It's Saturday night and Brian is watching cartoons in the room with me while I'm writing, just getting settled back in from being at his Dad's since Wednesday. I'm purely exhausted from staying up all but for an hour or two last night while spending time with a friend...I had also stayed with him on Wednesday and didn't sleep much then either so in the last three nights I'm running on very little sleep. So needless to say I'm counting the minutes until bedtime, it'll be an early one tonight for both the 5 year old and the 27 year old :-)
I had a really great couple nights away from home this week, much needed. Spending this time with my friend out of town on a regular basis has proven to re-instate some of my sanity that gets lost during the rest of the week while I'm here. Although I miss Brian soooo much while he's gone, it does give me the opportunity to have the time away and nights elsewhere so of course with as many con's and there are; there are also pro's.
It doesn't take me long to get stressed out and overwhelmed sitting here at home, so having a night set aside almost each week to go elsewhere and relax is truly a life saver...not to mention the fact that the friend I'm spending this time with is probably one of the only people in the world right now I can sit and be 100% comfortable being around, 100% comfortable being me, in all my 'broken', 'messed up', 'dysfunctional' glory. I actually think if we're being honest here, he's the ONLY person that's the case with at this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close friends that know pretty much all there is to know about me...but the difference here is that this particular friend doesn't just know but can relate in so many more ways then anyone else. That's rare and I'm definitely not taking it for granted because I can't imagine not having him in my life right now.
So even though I have a headache from hell, feel like I'm going to fall asleep as I sit here and type, have zero patience and can't wait to go to bed - I have a little extra contentment that wasn't so much there before this week. I'm so relieved that I didn't waste any time, $, and effort in going to see Justin or as much as writing him a letter since our last little chat. I wish I had been a little more cruel during that last phone conversation, and really told him where to shove it - but it doesn't really matter one way or another, because I'm just happy that his little section of my life that's been open since we met is now officially and forever closed. I'm just so the kind of person that needs things to be spelled out right in front of their face to get it through my thick skull, and I'm glad that it was so I can rest assured that there wasn't some 'unopened door' that I'll wonder and regret not looking into. I did look into it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to be a friend to him, I even left the possibility of more then friendship be in my head...I did my part to ensure that I wasn't missing an oportunity to gain happiness in my life, and that's all I can do - I'm glad I did...because again, if I hadn't I would have always wondered. I live off of 'what if's' and 'shoulda, woulda coulda's' and I hate regret so much that I do everything in my power to eliminate as many potential regrets as possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which leaves my heart capable of being bumped, banged and thrown around quite a bit - but it's who I am and I'd rather be like that then a bitter, untrusting person who never gives anything a shot.
I guess I just need to, in the present and future realize that things that are supposed to be really don't need as much effort as I tend to allow to be given. Things that are right, just are - people who are supposed to be in my life, just are - and the people with whom I find the most comfort being around are the people that I don't have to work at all to impress, change myself for, or force anything more then what is. I'm so exhausted I'm probably ranting much more in circles then normal and not making sense to anyone - so I'm going to cut this short. I'm just saying that in the last 72 hours I've been able to feel like me and haven't had any shame in feeling that way, it's a huge relief to have any hours like that, much less so many all in one period.
I run so many circles around people and things, put so much effort into making things more then they are, and can be so good at being what other's expect or want me to be - and it's so unnecessary. I have people in my life that i don't need to do those things with, I have people who don't want anything more from me then what I can easily offer, they just want me to be me...I waste so much time doing other wise and it's finally sinking in that it's really time that I should be elsewhere. A lot of people don't even have one person that they can show their true colors too, and I have a few...and even one of them who not only excepts my reality but can relate on an entirely different level then anyone else. That makes me lucky. Between those few amazing friends, that one even more amazing friend, my beautiful son, and family that loves me, I'm much better off then most and I don't need to keep searching for anything else at this point in time.
So tonight I'm going to sleep like a rock, a calm, comfortable, contented ROCK. I'm going to enjoy having my son home, happy, safe and secure with me. I'm going to look forward to getting away for a night again next week. And I'm going to do what I almost never find myself doing, and not project, not look for anything but what I have, and just be grateful. I have a big heart, which leads me to make stupid choices sometimes, and leads me to get hurt other times ---- but it's that same heart that some people genuinley love and appreciate and it's that same heart that leaves myself open to that...so I'm not complaining, tonight I'm ok taking the good with the bad. I'm content with who is in my life, and I'm ok with who is not. And I'm just getting off of a high that all stemmed from just laughing my ass off, being myself, being close with someone else, important conversations that needed to be had, relaxing and being ok in my own skin for a change. I can only hope that there is someone out there for everyone that they can feel such comfort with, whether it be a parent, sibling, friend, significant other, or whatever - because it really counts.
Friday, November 12, 2010
A Complete 180'
Well I didn’t go back and look at the date on my last post but I know it was within this last week, and boy did things shift.
I had mentioned how I was feeling about a certain guy whom I had ‘seen’ for a little while last Spring, and who had re-entered my life just recently. Now that I know what I know, I’ll fill you all in on the FULL story and take it from there, I no longer care about hidden identities or worrying about the ‘other parties’ privacy…so it’ll make this much easier.
JUSTIN was the guy I met at outpatient last Spring and ended up dating for a little while, then after he dumped me ended up helping out when he got himself in trouble, and just recently allowed to twist me in knots just these last few weeks. Of course one of the first rules in the N/A or A/A program is not to get involved with anyone in the first year of sobriety, ESPECIALLY another addict….the rules at Conifer Park, which was our Outpatient were quite strict about dating within the client population…his Drug Court rules were against it… as was the ½ way house he was in when we first started hanging out. Right there, with all those reasons - I shouldn’t have spent any time with him out of the ‘rooms’ or outside the walls of OP, but of course I didn’t. Even more reason for me to have stayed away from him from the start was that I was in groups with him and did know certain things about his history with women and also knew that around this certain time he was also ‘leading on’ a fellow client within our little ‘incestuous drug addicted group of people.’ But as the story goes, I was lonely, he was there; showing me all this attention, saying all the perfect things, he’s very attractive, and I took the role of the pathetic, recently separated woman and proceeded. The first time we hung out we just went to Crandall Park, walked around, sat at the playground and talked - at the end of this night he kissed me ever so perfectly, and we said goodbye. The second time we hung out I was very open with him, very blunt, and told him that I was going through a significantly rough time and didn’t have room in my life for anything else that might hurt me…he of course assured me that he would never be ‘that guy’ and that he was oh so worried that I would be the one to end up hurting him. Skipping ahead, there were weekend visits at my house with my son and my mom (dad was in the hospital and then the nursing home this whole time) there were trips to his hometown to meet his mom and sister, plenty of meetings we rode and went together at, bowling dates, all that good stuff. I was 100% smitten for him, the butterflies that every girl cherishes were in my stomach big time whenever we saw each other or even spoke on the phone. He got me a dozen roses one weekend, a mother’s day card from him and another for Brian to give me, e-mails, phone calls, etc. It was going very much like any ‘normal’ relationship begins, perfect. Of course we had to be very discreet and not really speak to each other when at meetings or at outpatient, but that was very temporary because I was about to graduate Conifer Park, which took away any legal reasons we shouldn’t be together. Plus he was about to move out of the ½ way house and into ‘supportive’ living, which is like a shared apartment with very few rules that a few recovering addicts share and live in together. So during those first few weeks we were just counting down the days until we could really be open and not have to worry about getting caught together. The ONLY time I lied to my Counselor at Conifer was about Justin and I’s relationship - and after I graduated and after he was no longer a client, I went to visit Curtis and one of the first things I told him was about the relationship because I hated lying to him so much about anything. Ok I’m starting to get sidetracked here, back to the basics. A week after he moved into Supportive he dumped my ass, saying he just was so overwhelmed with the move, his new job, yadda yadda yadda. In reality I’ve since learned that his ex picked up the phone probably bored one night and called him, and pretty much that’s all it took. Plus I’m almost certain he was hooking up with another girl @ Conifer at the end also, but I’m not 100% so whatever. Since we had only been ‘seeing each other’ for a little over a month I wasn’t devastated, crushed, completely heart broken….but yeah I was sad and disappointed that we weren’t about to have the summer we had planned on, but I was ok. I gave myself 1 night to feel shitty about it, allowed myself to get a few tears out, whatever, but other then that I really didn’t dwell on it and allow myself to turn it into more then it was - which I do have a tendency of doing, again it was only a 6 week relationship, how crushed could I really allow myself to be?
On my 1 year anniversary of being clean, I was a mess. Instead of being excited, happy, proud, whatever I thought I would feel - I was guilt ridden, sad, hurt, disappointed, lonely, etc. Instead of looking at how far I had come I focused on how far I still had left to go, on my failed marriage, on every detail of exactly what happened on that day 1 year earlier. So I did what any recovering addict is supposed to do when they are feeling like that, and dragged my ass to a meeting, Brian was @ Jim’s for the night anyhow. I went to the MTG, received my 1 year N/A key tag from a friend, and then went to hang out with some of my friends in the program. Many of them live in an apartment complex so when you visit 1 you get to see many, which I liked. After having a great, home cooked meal by such friends, and after some great conversation I decided to call Justin - a phone call I really so wish I had never made. I mentioned that I was all melancholy and he casually invited me over after he got out of work to watch a movie and stay at his place, which again was against the rules of such place, but of course I did. I went to my Sponsors apartment (which was in the same complex,) and told her where I was going, her and my other friend were very much against it, but knew I was going to do what I was going to do and they were pretty much preaching to deaf ears. Of course I went, we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, talked, hooked up, etc. He of course did what he does and said ALL the right things to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world at that moment who was cared about like he cared about me…he was just a tortured, misunderstood guy who couldn’t catch a break, and who had been hurt so many times that he learned to leave girls before they could leave him (his words) blah blah….like I said he really was good at knowing just what buttons to play off of and what things to say to hit straight home. I snuck out of his room at 6AM that next morning, knowing I was a fool, but hoping for the best and came home.
2 days afterwards I get a phone call from Justin telling me that he was gone. He told me that he had slipped up and had a few beers the night earlier and the next morning his Drug Court had called him in for a drug and alcohol test - the alcohol one could detect traces for up to 3 days. According to him he panicked and just packed up a friends truck and ran. He had screwed up before on Drug Court so either way he knew this time he wasn’t getting a warning, he was going to prison….so in his mind set he figured he mine as well run and try to enjoy as much time as he could before they caught up with him. After all running wouldn’t add time to his 1-3 sentence anyhow, so why not try and get some summer fun out before getting locked up? I was SOOOOOO upset when he called and told me this. More so then when he dumped me, more so then any other thing that had occurred with us, I was devastated that he had done that - that now he would be facing prison, and selfishly - now he’d be definitely out of my life. I was so worried about him, he sounded so scared on the phone, so disappointed in himself. He told me where he was and of course, me being me, I went. He was staying at a family members house in Johnstown, which is about 75 miles from here, I actually knew the trip pretty well because I had to go the same way I used to when I’d visit Matt out in Amsterdam all those years ago. *Matt was my first real boyfriend, my first real love, my first - for those who don’t know who he is*
I probably am explaining more then I need too, BUT I really feel like it all adds up to why recently I got all entangled again. So while he was out on ‘the lamb’ I went back and fourth to see him a few times, of course helping him out with cigarettes and a little cash here and there - all of a sudden I was one of the only people he had so I was a needed asset at the time. I had blogged about this whole situation, I’m not sure how much I said, because I was always vague about it. On 1 of these little trips I was planning on spending the night and going out to the bar with him. Yeah in all these blogs I haven’t mentioned that once in awhile I was having a drink or two - which in N/A’s mind meant that I was no longer clean. We’ll hit on that stuff at another time, but yes on occasion I have a few drinks, but in no way do I feel threatened by that, or like it will lead me to go find myself some heroin. So I drove all the way out there, he had made this nice little dinner for us, we ate, then we went out. He knew tons of people there, he had spent time growing up in Johnstown so for him it was like going home, for me I was in a complete foreign environment. VERY LONG story short, I spent my money on buying us drinks and since I don’t drink often it really didn’t take me much to get pretty buzzed….this night is a perfect example of why I always hated alcohol compared to any other drug, because it really takes control away when it comes to certain things, like driving. After I was to the point where there was no way I would have driven all the way back home to North Creek, he chose to go off with some friends. We got into a big argument, I begged him to at least walk me back to his dad’s because I barely knew how to get there, plus I didn’t want to walk alone anywhere, drunk at 2 AM. He pretty much said ‘fuck you’ I am leaving, you do what you want….so in between crying and freaking out, I calmed myself down enough to safely drive my way back to his father’s house where I slept it off long enough until I was safe to come home. I was so upset that he cared so little about my safety, couldn’t believe he put me in that kind of situation, couldn’t fathom after all I had done for him and after all the things he knew about me that he would ditch me like a piece of trash the second something more interesting came up. I swore I would never speak to him again.
Of course within a couple days of that night he called, sooo apologetic, sooo convincing. I accepted his apology and told him that we were ‘fine’ and that I still wanted him to check in with me from time to time so I knew he was ok. He called every now and then, I even went back out to Johnstown one last night and watched a couple movies with him…what’s that saying ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? If I hadn’t been a complete idiot before, the fact that I even picked up the phone for him after that night at the bar made me a complete fool now. Eventually he ended up getting kicked out of his Dad’s home, had no place to go, so he moved himself in with an ex girlfriend…whom he had referred to before as his ‘fat girl with a credit card.’ Now I feel nothing but sympathy for this girl. While he was staying with her of course they got into a huge fight, and she called the cops and got him turned in. This was in early August.
Skip ahead until a few weeks ago when I decided to look Justin up in the NY state prison registry and see where he was and when he was getting out, curious I suppose. I ended up writing him a really short note just telling him that I hoped he was ok and that I was thinking about him and really praying that things for him turn out well. I said that I knew he wasn’t a monster, he was just a young guy who’s screwed up a few too many times and who I knew probably needed a FRIEND. A few nights later I got a phone call from Adirondack Correctional Facility, obviously it was him. We talked for about ½ hour where he told me how sorry he was, how wrong he was, how much he missed me, how many times he had written me but didn’t have the courage to send it, how he would never forgive himself for letting me get away, blah blah blah.
That apparently was all it took for me to turn from a reasonably stupid woman into a completely ridiculously idiotic little girl. The letters were pouring in and out of my mail box…I had arranged a trip out to Saranac Lake to go visit him, we had spoken on the phone twice more. His letters were really amazing, I’m not taking credit away from how stupid I was - I take full responsibility BUT at the same time he really truly is one of the best con artists I’ve ever encountered to be honest. He was talking about how much this whole situation had opened his eyes to the things he really wanted, like a family, stability. He told me that the ‘ex’ and him were still indeed writing and that she was taking care of him and sending him food, money, cig’s, but that he wasn’t at all in love with her, he admitted that he was using her because he couldn’t imagine having to do this time without anyone in his corner. He told me that he was in love with me. He then started wanting to make long term plans for the two of us. He spoke about how much he liked and cared about Brian. Again I admit stupidity here but again he just really knew what to say to get to me. I sent him a care package of course, with all those things that he needed - and I was writing him a letter a day, just so he’d get all that mail. He was writing just as much. Tomorrow, this coming Saturday I had a whole trip arranged with friends and everything to go out and visit him, my friend was going to do some hiking while I was visiting.
I didn’t mention that last Monday he had a Parole hearing to determine whether or not he’d be there until December 15th of this year, or of next year. The chances of him making Parole and getting out so soon were VERY SLIM, I was 99% sure he wouldn’t be released, as was he, which now makes all the sense in the world. So last night after I had the final touches finished up for the trip tomorrow I got another call from him. Before I gave him a chance to speak I told him that I’d be coming Sat, that it was definite, how excited I was, etc. Then he told me he had made Parole! Of course my first reaction was shock, but then I was so excited - he was actually going to be home in about a month, compared to a year! We could really give this a shot, not from writing letters while he sat in prison, but we could really see if us could work. By the way - he was in Prison for taking his dad’s motorcycle one night without permission and getting into an accident, his dad pressed charges, this occurred when he was 20 years old, and he was in Drug Court for years trying to avoid this prison time…so it’s not like he was in for any horrific crime.
After I went on and on about how excited I was, his voice got all low and serious. He then told me that he needed a place to parole to or else he wouldn’t be allowed to leave…and of course he put down his ex’s address when he went in front of the parole board, which I didn’t know - which of course he hadn’t told me. So now, he’s moving in with her and ENGAGED! I now can see it all for what it was. I opened the door by writing him that first letter - allowed him to do this. He thought for sure that he was going to be there for an entire year, he never thought he’d make Parole this time around. So why not find himself a ‘fake girlfriend’ who will send him $ or care packages, who will write him lots of letters, who will even drive to visit him once or twice a month? Of course all those things would have made that year go by a little easier for him, right? So he said all those things and wrote all those perfect letters just to ensure that he’d have not 1 but 2 people taking care of him and helping him through such a difficult experience. It’s actually pretty smart thinking on his part.
I’m not heartbroken this time around either, not devastated, not unreasonably hurt…I am so sincerely disjointed in myself and so disgusted with how stupid I was more so then any thing else. I just can’t believe I allowed myself to buy such obvious bull shit, just because that’s what I wanted to hear.
I’m running late now because I rambled so much for a Dr’s appointment - but to sum it up…now the whole story it out there, no more being vague about it. I’m relieved that he is getting out so soon because I didn’t spend a year having someone screw with my head for cig’s and visits, this way it was only a couple lousy weeks. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice - I’m a little thick, fool me three times then I’m a huge idiot and I vow never again. Have a great weekend all!
I had mentioned how I was feeling about a certain guy whom I had ‘seen’ for a little while last Spring, and who had re-entered my life just recently. Now that I know what I know, I’ll fill you all in on the FULL story and take it from there, I no longer care about hidden identities or worrying about the ‘other parties’ privacy…so it’ll make this much easier.
JUSTIN was the guy I met at outpatient last Spring and ended up dating for a little while, then after he dumped me ended up helping out when he got himself in trouble, and just recently allowed to twist me in knots just these last few weeks. Of course one of the first rules in the N/A or A/A program is not to get involved with anyone in the first year of sobriety, ESPECIALLY another addict….the rules at Conifer Park, which was our Outpatient were quite strict about dating within the client population…his Drug Court rules were against it… as was the ½ way house he was in when we first started hanging out. Right there, with all those reasons - I shouldn’t have spent any time with him out of the ‘rooms’ or outside the walls of OP, but of course I didn’t. Even more reason for me to have stayed away from him from the start was that I was in groups with him and did know certain things about his history with women and also knew that around this certain time he was also ‘leading on’ a fellow client within our little ‘incestuous drug addicted group of people.’ But as the story goes, I was lonely, he was there; showing me all this attention, saying all the perfect things, he’s very attractive, and I took the role of the pathetic, recently separated woman and proceeded. The first time we hung out we just went to Crandall Park, walked around, sat at the playground and talked - at the end of this night he kissed me ever so perfectly, and we said goodbye. The second time we hung out I was very open with him, very blunt, and told him that I was going through a significantly rough time and didn’t have room in my life for anything else that might hurt me…he of course assured me that he would never be ‘that guy’ and that he was oh so worried that I would be the one to end up hurting him. Skipping ahead, there were weekend visits at my house with my son and my mom (dad was in the hospital and then the nursing home this whole time) there were trips to his hometown to meet his mom and sister, plenty of meetings we rode and went together at, bowling dates, all that good stuff. I was 100% smitten for him, the butterflies that every girl cherishes were in my stomach big time whenever we saw each other or even spoke on the phone. He got me a dozen roses one weekend, a mother’s day card from him and another for Brian to give me, e-mails, phone calls, etc. It was going very much like any ‘normal’ relationship begins, perfect. Of course we had to be very discreet and not really speak to each other when at meetings or at outpatient, but that was very temporary because I was about to graduate Conifer Park, which took away any legal reasons we shouldn’t be together. Plus he was about to move out of the ½ way house and into ‘supportive’ living, which is like a shared apartment with very few rules that a few recovering addicts share and live in together. So during those first few weeks we were just counting down the days until we could really be open and not have to worry about getting caught together. The ONLY time I lied to my Counselor at Conifer was about Justin and I’s relationship - and after I graduated and after he was no longer a client, I went to visit Curtis and one of the first things I told him was about the relationship because I hated lying to him so much about anything. Ok I’m starting to get sidetracked here, back to the basics. A week after he moved into Supportive he dumped my ass, saying he just was so overwhelmed with the move, his new job, yadda yadda yadda. In reality I’ve since learned that his ex picked up the phone probably bored one night and called him, and pretty much that’s all it took. Plus I’m almost certain he was hooking up with another girl @ Conifer at the end also, but I’m not 100% so whatever. Since we had only been ‘seeing each other’ for a little over a month I wasn’t devastated, crushed, completely heart broken….but yeah I was sad and disappointed that we weren’t about to have the summer we had planned on, but I was ok. I gave myself 1 night to feel shitty about it, allowed myself to get a few tears out, whatever, but other then that I really didn’t dwell on it and allow myself to turn it into more then it was - which I do have a tendency of doing, again it was only a 6 week relationship, how crushed could I really allow myself to be?
On my 1 year anniversary of being clean, I was a mess. Instead of being excited, happy, proud, whatever I thought I would feel - I was guilt ridden, sad, hurt, disappointed, lonely, etc. Instead of looking at how far I had come I focused on how far I still had left to go, on my failed marriage, on every detail of exactly what happened on that day 1 year earlier. So I did what any recovering addict is supposed to do when they are feeling like that, and dragged my ass to a meeting, Brian was @ Jim’s for the night anyhow. I went to the MTG, received my 1 year N/A key tag from a friend, and then went to hang out with some of my friends in the program. Many of them live in an apartment complex so when you visit 1 you get to see many, which I liked. After having a great, home cooked meal by such friends, and after some great conversation I decided to call Justin - a phone call I really so wish I had never made. I mentioned that I was all melancholy and he casually invited me over after he got out of work to watch a movie and stay at his place, which again was against the rules of such place, but of course I did. I went to my Sponsors apartment (which was in the same complex,) and told her where I was going, her and my other friend were very much against it, but knew I was going to do what I was going to do and they were pretty much preaching to deaf ears. Of course I went, we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, talked, hooked up, etc. He of course did what he does and said ALL the right things to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world at that moment who was cared about like he cared about me…he was just a tortured, misunderstood guy who couldn’t catch a break, and who had been hurt so many times that he learned to leave girls before they could leave him (his words) blah blah….like I said he really was good at knowing just what buttons to play off of and what things to say to hit straight home. I snuck out of his room at 6AM that next morning, knowing I was a fool, but hoping for the best and came home.
2 days afterwards I get a phone call from Justin telling me that he was gone. He told me that he had slipped up and had a few beers the night earlier and the next morning his Drug Court had called him in for a drug and alcohol test - the alcohol one could detect traces for up to 3 days. According to him he panicked and just packed up a friends truck and ran. He had screwed up before on Drug Court so either way he knew this time he wasn’t getting a warning, he was going to prison….so in his mind set he figured he mine as well run and try to enjoy as much time as he could before they caught up with him. After all running wouldn’t add time to his 1-3 sentence anyhow, so why not try and get some summer fun out before getting locked up? I was SOOOOOO upset when he called and told me this. More so then when he dumped me, more so then any other thing that had occurred with us, I was devastated that he had done that - that now he would be facing prison, and selfishly - now he’d be definitely out of my life. I was so worried about him, he sounded so scared on the phone, so disappointed in himself. He told me where he was and of course, me being me, I went. He was staying at a family members house in Johnstown, which is about 75 miles from here, I actually knew the trip pretty well because I had to go the same way I used to when I’d visit Matt out in Amsterdam all those years ago. *Matt was my first real boyfriend, my first real love, my first - for those who don’t know who he is*
I probably am explaining more then I need too, BUT I really feel like it all adds up to why recently I got all entangled again. So while he was out on ‘the lamb’ I went back and fourth to see him a few times, of course helping him out with cigarettes and a little cash here and there - all of a sudden I was one of the only people he had so I was a needed asset at the time. I had blogged about this whole situation, I’m not sure how much I said, because I was always vague about it. On 1 of these little trips I was planning on spending the night and going out to the bar with him. Yeah in all these blogs I haven’t mentioned that once in awhile I was having a drink or two - which in N/A’s mind meant that I was no longer clean. We’ll hit on that stuff at another time, but yes on occasion I have a few drinks, but in no way do I feel threatened by that, or like it will lead me to go find myself some heroin. So I drove all the way out there, he had made this nice little dinner for us, we ate, then we went out. He knew tons of people there, he had spent time growing up in Johnstown so for him it was like going home, for me I was in a complete foreign environment. VERY LONG story short, I spent my money on buying us drinks and since I don’t drink often it really didn’t take me much to get pretty buzzed….this night is a perfect example of why I always hated alcohol compared to any other drug, because it really takes control away when it comes to certain things, like driving. After I was to the point where there was no way I would have driven all the way back home to North Creek, he chose to go off with some friends. We got into a big argument, I begged him to at least walk me back to his dad’s because I barely knew how to get there, plus I didn’t want to walk alone anywhere, drunk at 2 AM. He pretty much said ‘fuck you’ I am leaving, you do what you want….so in between crying and freaking out, I calmed myself down enough to safely drive my way back to his father’s house where I slept it off long enough until I was safe to come home. I was so upset that he cared so little about my safety, couldn’t believe he put me in that kind of situation, couldn’t fathom after all I had done for him and after all the things he knew about me that he would ditch me like a piece of trash the second something more interesting came up. I swore I would never speak to him again.
Of course within a couple days of that night he called, sooo apologetic, sooo convincing. I accepted his apology and told him that we were ‘fine’ and that I still wanted him to check in with me from time to time so I knew he was ok. He called every now and then, I even went back out to Johnstown one last night and watched a couple movies with him…what’s that saying ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? If I hadn’t been a complete idiot before, the fact that I even picked up the phone for him after that night at the bar made me a complete fool now. Eventually he ended up getting kicked out of his Dad’s home, had no place to go, so he moved himself in with an ex girlfriend…whom he had referred to before as his ‘fat girl with a credit card.’ Now I feel nothing but sympathy for this girl. While he was staying with her of course they got into a huge fight, and she called the cops and got him turned in. This was in early August.
Skip ahead until a few weeks ago when I decided to look Justin up in the NY state prison registry and see where he was and when he was getting out, curious I suppose. I ended up writing him a really short note just telling him that I hoped he was ok and that I was thinking about him and really praying that things for him turn out well. I said that I knew he wasn’t a monster, he was just a young guy who’s screwed up a few too many times and who I knew probably needed a FRIEND. A few nights later I got a phone call from Adirondack Correctional Facility, obviously it was him. We talked for about ½ hour where he told me how sorry he was, how wrong he was, how much he missed me, how many times he had written me but didn’t have the courage to send it, how he would never forgive himself for letting me get away, blah blah blah.
That apparently was all it took for me to turn from a reasonably stupid woman into a completely ridiculously idiotic little girl. The letters were pouring in and out of my mail box…I had arranged a trip out to Saranac Lake to go visit him, we had spoken on the phone twice more. His letters were really amazing, I’m not taking credit away from how stupid I was - I take full responsibility BUT at the same time he really truly is one of the best con artists I’ve ever encountered to be honest. He was talking about how much this whole situation had opened his eyes to the things he really wanted, like a family, stability. He told me that the ‘ex’ and him were still indeed writing and that she was taking care of him and sending him food, money, cig’s, but that he wasn’t at all in love with her, he admitted that he was using her because he couldn’t imagine having to do this time without anyone in his corner. He told me that he was in love with me. He then started wanting to make long term plans for the two of us. He spoke about how much he liked and cared about Brian. Again I admit stupidity here but again he just really knew what to say to get to me. I sent him a care package of course, with all those things that he needed - and I was writing him a letter a day, just so he’d get all that mail. He was writing just as much. Tomorrow, this coming Saturday I had a whole trip arranged with friends and everything to go out and visit him, my friend was going to do some hiking while I was visiting.
I didn’t mention that last Monday he had a Parole hearing to determine whether or not he’d be there until December 15th of this year, or of next year. The chances of him making Parole and getting out so soon were VERY SLIM, I was 99% sure he wouldn’t be released, as was he, which now makes all the sense in the world. So last night after I had the final touches finished up for the trip tomorrow I got another call from him. Before I gave him a chance to speak I told him that I’d be coming Sat, that it was definite, how excited I was, etc. Then he told me he had made Parole! Of course my first reaction was shock, but then I was so excited - he was actually going to be home in about a month, compared to a year! We could really give this a shot, not from writing letters while he sat in prison, but we could really see if us could work. By the way - he was in Prison for taking his dad’s motorcycle one night without permission and getting into an accident, his dad pressed charges, this occurred when he was 20 years old, and he was in Drug Court for years trying to avoid this prison time…so it’s not like he was in for any horrific crime.
After I went on and on about how excited I was, his voice got all low and serious. He then told me that he needed a place to parole to or else he wouldn’t be allowed to leave…and of course he put down his ex’s address when he went in front of the parole board, which I didn’t know - which of course he hadn’t told me. So now, he’s moving in with her and ENGAGED! I now can see it all for what it was. I opened the door by writing him that first letter - allowed him to do this. He thought for sure that he was going to be there for an entire year, he never thought he’d make Parole this time around. So why not find himself a ‘fake girlfriend’ who will send him $ or care packages, who will write him lots of letters, who will even drive to visit him once or twice a month? Of course all those things would have made that year go by a little easier for him, right? So he said all those things and wrote all those perfect letters just to ensure that he’d have not 1 but 2 people taking care of him and helping him through such a difficult experience. It’s actually pretty smart thinking on his part.
I’m not heartbroken this time around either, not devastated, not unreasonably hurt…I am so sincerely disjointed in myself and so disgusted with how stupid I was more so then any thing else. I just can’t believe I allowed myself to buy such obvious bull shit, just because that’s what I wanted to hear.
I’m running late now because I rambled so much for a Dr’s appointment - but to sum it up…now the whole story it out there, no more being vague about it. I’m relieved that he is getting out so soon because I didn’t spend a year having someone screw with my head for cig’s and visits, this way it was only a couple lousy weeks. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice - I’m a little thick, fool me three times then I’m a huge idiot and I vow never again. Have a great weekend all!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Mike
I can't believe I left out a pretty big thing that happened last week. While Jim was at Brian’s I got a phone call from Jim at 7AM, right away I knew something much be wrong which is exactly what I asked as soon as I answered the phone. Backtrack here - Jim moved to Brant Lake when he was 16, I think. Right away he made friends with a guy named Mike. Their friendship grew and grew, until Mike became like family - even lived with Jim and his dad for a little while. When Jim's Dad passed away, it was Mike and his family who helped figure out arrangements and gave Jim a home if he needed it. Later Mike dated a girl who's best friend was the girl Jim dated in HS. Mike and I met when Jim and I first moved into LG...Mike and I would spend hours on the couch plotting and planning trying to figure out how to get Jim and I officially together,lol. He ended up even living with us for a few months in that house, and was very consistently involved in our lives throughout our time together. I saw Mike the very first day I was back from rehab, he knew what had happened, still he gave me a big hug and told me it was great to see me. Unfortunately that was the last time Mike and I hugged and the last time he was truly happy to see me....when Jim and I split he was a good friend to Jim and cut ties with me for the most part, other then quick hello's in passing. I don't think Mike liked me very much in this last year or so, which I can understand, my best friend isn't Jim's biggest fan that is for sure. Well back to the phone call I was talking about - Jim very calmly told me he had some bad news and that Mike had killed himself. Mike had 5 children - 2 with his high school sweetheart who at a time was 1 of my closest friends - and 3 with his ex wife who he recently divorced. Out of everyone in Jim's life, other then his family and possibly now Becky, this is probably the worst person he could have lost. Jim was very respectful to me and to the fact that Mike and I at one time were close, told me all the details about the wake and funeral, called a few times to check in....I don't think any of it had hit him yet and he was just running on physical motions. I didn't go to the funeral or wake for a few reasons, 1 to give Jim respect and allow him to grieve his brother-like friend without having to deal with his ex who he can't stand, 2 I hadn't always gotten along with Mikes mom and with the hell she was experiencing I didn't want to add any extra anything on her, and 3 I was a little chicken and couldn't force myself to go. I used numbers 1 and 2 and my reasons but it boiled down to the fact that I am sick of funerals and I don't want to have to go to anymore then I already have had to go to. I just feel so awful about what happened, that he felt so hopeless that he ended his own life, which by the way is how he passed away. I feel so sad that his youngest children won't remember him and that his 2 oldest have to go through missing and grieving him and live a life without their dad. I really cared about Mike and it's just a very sad situation. And all the bull shit aside I really feel for Jim - like I said they were like brothers, Jim was family to Mike, his brother, their mother, etc. It was hard knowing that it wasn't my place anymore to be there for him, that he didn't want me by his side...but I left him alone and stayed away which I know is what he wanted. But I was just thinking about Mike after posting my last post and realized I never once mentioned it, not sure why. So I also am enclosing 2 pic's of Jim's best friend, a very good friend of mine, a son, father, brother, friend, a 29 yr old man who ended his life before it had the chance to improve, I PRAY THAT HE IS NOW AT LEAST IN PEACE.
For some reason it won't allow me to add pictures right now, but I will try again later - I wanted to post some other's anyhow.
For some reason it won't allow me to add pictures right now, but I will try again later - I wanted to post some other's anyhow.
Another day, another post
Well it’s, as ‘they’ call it, Hump Day. I personally used to love Wednesday’s, because it of course always meant that weekends were right around the corner, now not so much. I bitch and whine constantly about how much I miss Brian while he’s at Jim’s, and today will be no exception I assure you. I walked Bri to school about an hour ago and after school he get’s on the bug and heads to his Dad’s. I know it’s good for him, to spend as much time as possible with his father. He’s grown extremely close to his 10 year old, kinda of sort of step brother. And he’s adjusting well, for the most part…of course it has proven to take me much longer then him to make such an adjustment, I can’t seem to get used to him being gone so much. Yet, before I know it, he will be back home and the cycle continues.
Anyhow what else to write about??? Ugh I hate the part of this blog where I said I’d always be 100% honest, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, lol. I will be as vague as possible just to keep the other parties information confidential, not everyone is as hunky dory with all their shit being spread over the internet as I seem to be. But the guy I dated last spring and I have been communicating a lot lately. I haven’t set eyes on him yet, but lots of letters and a few phone calls. Out of anyone I’ve met or ‘seen’ in this last year he truly is the only one that sincerely gave me those ‘butterflies’ ya know Ladies, the ones we are eternally seeking? I care so much for him yet don’t trust him, which is such a hard thing to say out loud because it’s hard to feel the way I do knowing that such a key ingredient, such as trust isn’t there. He say’s all the perfect things, writes me all the sweetest letters, but I can’t help but ask myself if he’s just really that good of a con artist, I really want to believe he isn’t. It’s just been a long time that someone has spoken to me like they could envision spending their lives with me, or that they have strong feelings for me. I just sooooo want him to really mean what he’s been telling me, and I would love for us to really give it a shot, but of course there are complications, because it wouldn’t be me obviously if there weren’t. I’m willing to work with such complications though because although I’m scared of being hurt, I’m more scared of wondering if I missed out on something that could have been really amazing. I want a real relationship, I’m over the being single thing.
In this last year I’ve had a couple ’Friends with benefits’ we shall call it. Not many, but enough to know that I am not comfortable with and quite dislike that kind of relationship a lot. I’m incapable of keeping feelings at bay if they exist, and if they don’t then I shut down and I’m not interested anyhow. It’s pretty rare to find myself caught somewhere in between, but that too has also happened fairly recently. I’m not desperate to find someone right this second, not at all. I’m actually very proud of myself for being as OK with being single as I am. I just know what I prefer and what I don’t, and my preference is most definitely not that of a single life-style. I want all those night’s snuggled on the couch watching TV, I want dinners together, I want a home with someone I love who loves me just as much, I want someone who I can trust enough to know that he won’t hurt Brian in any way (even if we don’t work out.) I don’t want one night stands or seeing someone once or twice a month, watch a movie and …you know. So at this point I’m cautiously, ok very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about this situation and hopeful, all while trying to keep a sound mind and realistic attitude.
On a different note.
It’s so funny how things can change so dramatically in such short periods of time. For instance, when Jim and Becky first got together I would have done any and everything short of flying to the moon to break them up. I wanted him as lonely as I was, and I didn’t want her to have someone that for so long belonged to me. Now I worry about their relationship at times and pray that they do stay together. Brian has grown so attached to her son, and he does genuinely like her from what I’ve seen and heard. He has finally become completely comfortable spending 3 nights at a time away from me and home. Now if they do break up, which I mean chances are they will….(it’s hard to imagine the first person you take on a date after a substantionally long history with your wife will be the person you are with until you die.) Of course there is always a chance that once we are officially divorced that they will get married, possibly have children, all that crap…which I can’t believe I’ve gotten to a point where that is what I hope for. I very much wish things between Jim and I were different, very very different, but they are what they are. I’d change a dozen or so things about how we interact with one another, the current custody agreement, how he treats me, etc…but as far as my son is concerned I just want stability for him. It’s right up there on the top of the list of things any mom wants for their child, happiness, health, love, intelligence, stability, security, confidence, I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s just that in the 5 years Brian’s been alive he’s lived in 6, yes 6!!! Places! That’s ridiculous, it’s disgusting, it’s horrible. I never moved when I was a kid, one home, one school, one set of parents, and look how screwed up I turned out regardless of that stability. Of course my life was lacking that ingredient in other area’s, but in many my life was indeed stable. Brian’s has not been. Speaking of this….Jim and I got into a little conversation the other day that lasted almost an hour over the phone. It seems like most of his issues with me and what I do with Brian boils down to the fact that he hates where we live. He hates that I have Brian here where my dad and mom are both sick. Some part of me completely understands that. I need to learn where to draw the line though on how much impact his words have on me…because after that conversation I got right online and messaged my friend Steve (lol your in my blog Steve-O) Ok I met Steve before I met Jim, he dated my best friend years and YEARS ago…but come to find out Steve was one of Jim’s best friends and when Jim and I got together Steve was in our lives quite a bit. He’s been in the military for 8 years I think it will be soon, so he comes and goes all the time but he’s been consistently in my life for a long while. He comes home from Iraq, thank God, next month. Well I messaged him almost frantically and by the end of our conversation he was considering and really thinking about getting a big apartment with me and Brian, splitting the rent, blah blah blah. I was so excited that he would even agree to think about it, which he actually did more so and told me to start looking for places, I was psyched. So I started looking in the paper, and asking around and all of a sudden the other night it dawned on me to ask myself ‘why are you really moving out??” (side note : this is after I told Jim I was planning on moving in with one of his closest friends just to throw it in his face, he was furious, I loved it obviously.) When I asked myself why, it occurred to me that the main reason I was doing it was to prove something to Jim, to show him that I am capable, to look better if we went back to court. Not because I am miserable here, which of course sometimes I am, not because I know I’m ready financially, not because it would be the BEST thing possible for Brian, not because it’s what I truly want, but mainly because of Jim. Why in the world would I do something as drastic as moving out of my home with my son based on anything that has to do with my Ex?????? When I finally move out of here I want it to be after I have my own vehicle, after I have a second job so I will always know that I can make rent(or a different job of course), if either of my parents get ill to the point that it would be horribly hard and scary for Brian to live here. Steve is a real friend to me, he always has been…I mean the kind of friend that people hope to get, someone I know I can always trust and who will always try to lend a helping hand if he’s capable. How unfair would it be of me to even have asked him in the first place? Yes he would have less bills then if he lived alone, but other then that the rest of it would all be to benefit me. He doesn’t want to live in the JCS school district, but he would have, he doesn’t want to really live with a single mom and her 5 year old(although he really does love Brian), but he would have, he doesn’t want to have to drive 45 miles every day to school, but he would have. The job I have is awesome, the people I work for are amazing employers and such good people, I make decent money…BUT it’s a waitressing job with no chance of moving up any ladder, it’s very seasonal and it’s not 40 hours/week. Some months I might bring home $1500 some months I might bring home $200 - does that sound like an income steady enough to where I could promise with no doubts that Steve wouldn’t end up having to cover my ass month after month? Although my living situation isn’t the ‘norm’ and isn’t ideal most of the time, it has it’s perks….Brian has 3 adults here that love him to death, he has his own bedroom, a dog, he has the only place in his life that has been there from the beginning, and he has security, stability as well as happiness here. I don’t sit alone on my couch 3 nights a week when he’s not here, I pay some bills here but definitely not as many as if I lived anywhere else, and I also get to help my parents out being here. It really isn’t all bad. After realizing this I slept on it, thought some more, then ended up telling Steve yesterday that it just wasn’t a good idea just yet, that I wasn’t ready to move next month, and that I also thought it was unfair of me to ask him in the first place. With friends like that you have to be careful what you ask of them because they will always try and help you. Phew I’m rambling, sorry. Point is that I no longer should allow my actions, my life to be directed by Jim. I know that I’m working, that I’m a good mother, I know that I offer so much to my son and for my son. I know I’m doing a hell of a lot better now then at other periods of time, and I know that I’m close to being out of here, but just not close enough to push it. And NO judge would take my child and/or any of my time with him away from me because I live here. Just because Brian has been and is exposed to sickness doesn’t make it an unacceptable living environment. If anything he will grow up appreciating things more, he will be a more compassionate person in the long run, and he will have plenty of great memory’s of my parents when they eventually do pass away….I’m the grown up, and I exclude him from 99% of hospital visits, Dr appointments, etc - I know what’s appropriate for him to be exposed to and what is not. Jim makes it sound like Brian is living in a home where there is nothing but sickness and fear and misery - not the case. My parents both still are more then capable of playing with, watching, spending time with, LOVING and caring for Brian. If you put them both together it makes one completely healthy grandparent, and they are always together so it works out ok. Of course I want to have my own place, but like I said, I don’t want Brian to have to move around 10 more times before he is 18 - the next time I move I want to believe it’s for good…whether it’s by myself or with someone else.
One last quick thing to hit on and then I’ll sign off before this becomes any more ridiculously long then it already is,lol. Brian got a gift certificate on Halloween for a free game for 4 people bowling. He also got a gift certificate for being such a good little reader for a free pizza @ Pizza Hut…so Sunday we planned on going and having a nice little day together. As much as I enjoy spending time with Brian, whenever it’s an activity like that, and includes the drive to GF, I would rather include a friend to have another grown up to chat with and such. So after a little badgering I got a really old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spent real time with in years to come along and bring her 2 year old son. She and I used to be very close when we were younger, and like most friendships we ended up growing apart little by little in the long run. Well since this was the first time we had really hung out in so long there was quite a bit to catch up with in each other’s lives. Of course my “situation” came up like it always does and of course she also had heard the worst of the worst of the stories that flew around town after everything happened. She, along with most other people, had heard that Westie and I were found with needles hanging out of our arms, passed out for hours and hours with Brian screaming in the back seat. As I’ve said in previous posts, the reality of what happened is horrific enough, it’s so hard to understand why people made it even worse when telling the story to other’s. I don’t know where it came from, who told the original first version of that story, or whatever, and I really don’t care. I just have to keep it in my mind, and remember that so when I do see people I haven’t since that awful day I remember to at some point tell them what really happened from start to end. I don’t need to spend hours talking about everything involved, just the basics to at least let the true story be heard since the gossip one definitely has been. Small town shit ;-) But we had a really nice time, I did anyhow, and I’d love to start spending more time with her every now and then, not allow another 5 years to pass by. Since I’m not sweating out handfuls of friends, it’s important for me to reach out to the people I do have and try to keep those friendships running strong.
OK I’m DONE RANTING, lol. In all reality and kidding aside, I can’t believe that this blog became this long, I really was just planning on doing a quick catch up. But since we’re talking about reality I should admit that most of the time when that’s what I plan on it does become a short novel in the end. You all should see the size of the letters I used to write Westie, or the ones I’m currently writing to ‘the secret boy’ lol. I hope this finds all of you very well and enjoying the week, on this, the ‘hump day.’ Please again as I’ve said before, if you actually read these posts of mine, become a follower, I like knowing who out there actually takes the time to read any of my purging. Just recently someone whom I had no idea read this contacted me…he is also someone I never really knew in high school, older then me, etc…but just knew him from ‘around’ he just wrote a quick message to me and told me a little about some issue’s he’s had in the past with drugs and alcohol, something he said he hasn’t told many people about. I felt so honored and humbled that he took the time to read what I have had to say, and felt comfortable enough because of that to talk to me a little. When I first started this whole thing almost a year ago, that was the main reason why, and the thing I wanted most to come out of it - so I was pretty (again because it’s the only word I can think of that fits) humbled by the whole thing. This blog has gotten me to 2 different schools to speak, one school I’ve been at twice. It’s been read by people who not know more about my story then what they had always assumed or heard. It’s initiated relationships with people I had lost contact with, or whom I barely even knew. All and all I have to say it’s been a pretty successful experiment to say the least, one that I’m very grateful for.
Bye for now. Take care of yourself. And to be cheesy, which I really sooooo am most of the time - try hard to really like yourself. I always say to Brian that I love him and I like him, because I truly do. There are people in my life that I really do love but don’t really like much, if that makes and sense and if anyone can relate I don’t know. So I find it important to let Brian know that not only do I love him because he is my son, my life, that I really like the person he is and I really like to spend time with him. And that’s where I’m at with myself - I feel like I’m starting to like myself, not sure if I’m at love yet, but liking is working pretty good for me at the time being. So just try to like yourself, even if it starts at just a little but for only a few reasons. With that I say so long - mine as well stay cheesy.
*Krista*
Anyhow what else to write about??? Ugh I hate the part of this blog where I said I’d always be 100% honest, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, lol. I will be as vague as possible just to keep the other parties information confidential, not everyone is as hunky dory with all their shit being spread over the internet as I seem to be. But the guy I dated last spring and I have been communicating a lot lately. I haven’t set eyes on him yet, but lots of letters and a few phone calls. Out of anyone I’ve met or ‘seen’ in this last year he truly is the only one that sincerely gave me those ‘butterflies’ ya know Ladies, the ones we are eternally seeking? I care so much for him yet don’t trust him, which is such a hard thing to say out loud because it’s hard to feel the way I do knowing that such a key ingredient, such as trust isn’t there. He say’s all the perfect things, writes me all the sweetest letters, but I can’t help but ask myself if he’s just really that good of a con artist, I really want to believe he isn’t. It’s just been a long time that someone has spoken to me like they could envision spending their lives with me, or that they have strong feelings for me. I just sooooo want him to really mean what he’s been telling me, and I would love for us to really give it a shot, but of course there are complications, because it wouldn’t be me obviously if there weren’t. I’m willing to work with such complications though because although I’m scared of being hurt, I’m more scared of wondering if I missed out on something that could have been really amazing. I want a real relationship, I’m over the being single thing.
In this last year I’ve had a couple ’Friends with benefits’ we shall call it. Not many, but enough to know that I am not comfortable with and quite dislike that kind of relationship a lot. I’m incapable of keeping feelings at bay if they exist, and if they don’t then I shut down and I’m not interested anyhow. It’s pretty rare to find myself caught somewhere in between, but that too has also happened fairly recently. I’m not desperate to find someone right this second, not at all. I’m actually very proud of myself for being as OK with being single as I am. I just know what I prefer and what I don’t, and my preference is most definitely not that of a single life-style. I want all those night’s snuggled on the couch watching TV, I want dinners together, I want a home with someone I love who loves me just as much, I want someone who I can trust enough to know that he won’t hurt Brian in any way (even if we don’t work out.) I don’t want one night stands or seeing someone once or twice a month, watch a movie and …you know. So at this point I’m cautiously, ok very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about this situation and hopeful, all while trying to keep a sound mind and realistic attitude.
On a different note.
It’s so funny how things can change so dramatically in such short periods of time. For instance, when Jim and Becky first got together I would have done any and everything short of flying to the moon to break them up. I wanted him as lonely as I was, and I didn’t want her to have someone that for so long belonged to me. Now I worry about their relationship at times and pray that they do stay together. Brian has grown so attached to her son, and he does genuinely like her from what I’ve seen and heard. He has finally become completely comfortable spending 3 nights at a time away from me and home. Now if they do break up, which I mean chances are they will….(it’s hard to imagine the first person you take on a date after a substantionally long history with your wife will be the person you are with until you die.) Of course there is always a chance that once we are officially divorced that they will get married, possibly have children, all that crap…which I can’t believe I’ve gotten to a point where that is what I hope for. I very much wish things between Jim and I were different, very very different, but they are what they are. I’d change a dozen or so things about how we interact with one another, the current custody agreement, how he treats me, etc…but as far as my son is concerned I just want stability for him. It’s right up there on the top of the list of things any mom wants for their child, happiness, health, love, intelligence, stability, security, confidence, I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s just that in the 5 years Brian’s been alive he’s lived in 6, yes 6!!! Places! That’s ridiculous, it’s disgusting, it’s horrible. I never moved when I was a kid, one home, one school, one set of parents, and look how screwed up I turned out regardless of that stability. Of course my life was lacking that ingredient in other area’s, but in many my life was indeed stable. Brian’s has not been. Speaking of this….Jim and I got into a little conversation the other day that lasted almost an hour over the phone. It seems like most of his issues with me and what I do with Brian boils down to the fact that he hates where we live. He hates that I have Brian here where my dad and mom are both sick. Some part of me completely understands that. I need to learn where to draw the line though on how much impact his words have on me…because after that conversation I got right online and messaged my friend Steve (lol your in my blog Steve-O) Ok I met Steve before I met Jim, he dated my best friend years and YEARS ago…but come to find out Steve was one of Jim’s best friends and when Jim and I got together Steve was in our lives quite a bit. He’s been in the military for 8 years I think it will be soon, so he comes and goes all the time but he’s been consistently in my life for a long while. He comes home from Iraq, thank God, next month. Well I messaged him almost frantically and by the end of our conversation he was considering and really thinking about getting a big apartment with me and Brian, splitting the rent, blah blah blah. I was so excited that he would even agree to think about it, which he actually did more so and told me to start looking for places, I was psyched. So I started looking in the paper, and asking around and all of a sudden the other night it dawned on me to ask myself ‘why are you really moving out??” (side note : this is after I told Jim I was planning on moving in with one of his closest friends just to throw it in his face, he was furious, I loved it obviously.) When I asked myself why, it occurred to me that the main reason I was doing it was to prove something to Jim, to show him that I am capable, to look better if we went back to court. Not because I am miserable here, which of course sometimes I am, not because I know I’m ready financially, not because it would be the BEST thing possible for Brian, not because it’s what I truly want, but mainly because of Jim. Why in the world would I do something as drastic as moving out of my home with my son based on anything that has to do with my Ex?????? When I finally move out of here I want it to be after I have my own vehicle, after I have a second job so I will always know that I can make rent(or a different job of course), if either of my parents get ill to the point that it would be horribly hard and scary for Brian to live here. Steve is a real friend to me, he always has been…I mean the kind of friend that people hope to get, someone I know I can always trust and who will always try to lend a helping hand if he’s capable. How unfair would it be of me to even have asked him in the first place? Yes he would have less bills then if he lived alone, but other then that the rest of it would all be to benefit me. He doesn’t want to live in the JCS school district, but he would have, he doesn’t want to really live with a single mom and her 5 year old(although he really does love Brian), but he would have, he doesn’t want to have to drive 45 miles every day to school, but he would have. The job I have is awesome, the people I work for are amazing employers and such good people, I make decent money…BUT it’s a waitressing job with no chance of moving up any ladder, it’s very seasonal and it’s not 40 hours/week. Some months I might bring home $1500 some months I might bring home $200 - does that sound like an income steady enough to where I could promise with no doubts that Steve wouldn’t end up having to cover my ass month after month? Although my living situation isn’t the ‘norm’ and isn’t ideal most of the time, it has it’s perks….Brian has 3 adults here that love him to death, he has his own bedroom, a dog, he has the only place in his life that has been there from the beginning, and he has security, stability as well as happiness here. I don’t sit alone on my couch 3 nights a week when he’s not here, I pay some bills here but definitely not as many as if I lived anywhere else, and I also get to help my parents out being here. It really isn’t all bad. After realizing this I slept on it, thought some more, then ended up telling Steve yesterday that it just wasn’t a good idea just yet, that I wasn’t ready to move next month, and that I also thought it was unfair of me to ask him in the first place. With friends like that you have to be careful what you ask of them because they will always try and help you. Phew I’m rambling, sorry. Point is that I no longer should allow my actions, my life to be directed by Jim. I know that I’m working, that I’m a good mother, I know that I offer so much to my son and for my son. I know I’m doing a hell of a lot better now then at other periods of time, and I know that I’m close to being out of here, but just not close enough to push it. And NO judge would take my child and/or any of my time with him away from me because I live here. Just because Brian has been and is exposed to sickness doesn’t make it an unacceptable living environment. If anything he will grow up appreciating things more, he will be a more compassionate person in the long run, and he will have plenty of great memory’s of my parents when they eventually do pass away….I’m the grown up, and I exclude him from 99% of hospital visits, Dr appointments, etc - I know what’s appropriate for him to be exposed to and what is not. Jim makes it sound like Brian is living in a home where there is nothing but sickness and fear and misery - not the case. My parents both still are more then capable of playing with, watching, spending time with, LOVING and caring for Brian. If you put them both together it makes one completely healthy grandparent, and they are always together so it works out ok. Of course I want to have my own place, but like I said, I don’t want Brian to have to move around 10 more times before he is 18 - the next time I move I want to believe it’s for good…whether it’s by myself or with someone else.
One last quick thing to hit on and then I’ll sign off before this becomes any more ridiculously long then it already is,lol. Brian got a gift certificate on Halloween for a free game for 4 people bowling. He also got a gift certificate for being such a good little reader for a free pizza @ Pizza Hut…so Sunday we planned on going and having a nice little day together. As much as I enjoy spending time with Brian, whenever it’s an activity like that, and includes the drive to GF, I would rather include a friend to have another grown up to chat with and such. So after a little badgering I got a really old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spent real time with in years to come along and bring her 2 year old son. She and I used to be very close when we were younger, and like most friendships we ended up growing apart little by little in the long run. Well since this was the first time we had really hung out in so long there was quite a bit to catch up with in each other’s lives. Of course my “situation” came up like it always does and of course she also had heard the worst of the worst of the stories that flew around town after everything happened. She, along with most other people, had heard that Westie and I were found with needles hanging out of our arms, passed out for hours and hours with Brian screaming in the back seat. As I’ve said in previous posts, the reality of what happened is horrific enough, it’s so hard to understand why people made it even worse when telling the story to other’s. I don’t know where it came from, who told the original first version of that story, or whatever, and I really don’t care. I just have to keep it in my mind, and remember that so when I do see people I haven’t since that awful day I remember to at some point tell them what really happened from start to end. I don’t need to spend hours talking about everything involved, just the basics to at least let the true story be heard since the gossip one definitely has been. Small town shit ;-) But we had a really nice time, I did anyhow, and I’d love to start spending more time with her every now and then, not allow another 5 years to pass by. Since I’m not sweating out handfuls of friends, it’s important for me to reach out to the people I do have and try to keep those friendships running strong.
OK I’m DONE RANTING, lol. In all reality and kidding aside, I can’t believe that this blog became this long, I really was just planning on doing a quick catch up. But since we’re talking about reality I should admit that most of the time when that’s what I plan on it does become a short novel in the end. You all should see the size of the letters I used to write Westie, or the ones I’m currently writing to ‘the secret boy’ lol. I hope this finds all of you very well and enjoying the week, on this, the ‘hump day.’ Please again as I’ve said before, if you actually read these posts of mine, become a follower, I like knowing who out there actually takes the time to read any of my purging. Just recently someone whom I had no idea read this contacted me…he is also someone I never really knew in high school, older then me, etc…but just knew him from ‘around’ he just wrote a quick message to me and told me a little about some issue’s he’s had in the past with drugs and alcohol, something he said he hasn’t told many people about. I felt so honored and humbled that he took the time to read what I have had to say, and felt comfortable enough because of that to talk to me a little. When I first started this whole thing almost a year ago, that was the main reason why, and the thing I wanted most to come out of it - so I was pretty (again because it’s the only word I can think of that fits) humbled by the whole thing. This blog has gotten me to 2 different schools to speak, one school I’ve been at twice. It’s been read by people who not know more about my story then what they had always assumed or heard. It’s initiated relationships with people I had lost contact with, or whom I barely even knew. All and all I have to say it’s been a pretty successful experiment to say the least, one that I’m very grateful for.
Bye for now. Take care of yourself. And to be cheesy, which I really sooooo am most of the time - try hard to really like yourself. I always say to Brian that I love him and I like him, because I truly do. There are people in my life that I really do love but don’t really like much, if that makes and sense and if anyone can relate I don’t know. So I find it important to let Brian know that not only do I love him because he is my son, my life, that I really like the person he is and I really like to spend time with him. And that’s where I’m at with myself - I feel like I’m starting to like myself, not sure if I’m at love yet, but liking is working pretty good for me at the time being. So just try to like yourself, even if it starts at just a little but for only a few reasons. With that I say so long - mine as well stay cheesy.
*Krista*
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