Although it's impressive that this is my 100th post here in my blog, I said in the beginning that I would write every single day so it's lacking quite a bit from where it should be...ah well it didn't turn into the daily writing I was initially meaning for it to be but it's still my blog just the same and just so happens to be getting up there in post numbers.
It's Saturday night and Brian is watching cartoons in the room with me while I'm writing, just getting settled back in from being at his Dad's since Wednesday. I'm purely exhausted from staying up all but for an hour or two last night while spending time with a friend...I had also stayed with him on Wednesday and didn't sleep much then either so in the last three nights I'm running on very little sleep. So needless to say I'm counting the minutes until bedtime, it'll be an early one tonight for both the 5 year old and the 27 year old :-)
I had a really great couple nights away from home this week, much needed. Spending this time with my friend out of town on a regular basis has proven to re-instate some of my sanity that gets lost during the rest of the week while I'm here. Although I miss Brian soooo much while he's gone, it does give me the opportunity to have the time away and nights elsewhere so of course with as many con's and there are; there are also pro's.
It doesn't take me long to get stressed out and overwhelmed sitting here at home, so having a night set aside almost each week to go elsewhere and relax is truly a life saver...not to mention the fact that the friend I'm spending this time with is probably one of the only people in the world right now I can sit and be 100% comfortable being around, 100% comfortable being me, in all my 'broken', 'messed up', 'dysfunctional' glory. I actually think if we're being honest here, he's the ONLY person that's the case with at this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close friends that know pretty much all there is to know about me...but the difference here is that this particular friend doesn't just know but can relate in so many more ways then anyone else. That's rare and I'm definitely not taking it for granted because I can't imagine not having him in my life right now.
So even though I have a headache from hell, feel like I'm going to fall asleep as I sit here and type, have zero patience and can't wait to go to bed - I have a little extra contentment that wasn't so much there before this week. I'm so relieved that I didn't waste any time, $, and effort in going to see Justin or as much as writing him a letter since our last little chat. I wish I had been a little more cruel during that last phone conversation, and really told him where to shove it - but it doesn't really matter one way or another, because I'm just happy that his little section of my life that's been open since we met is now officially and forever closed. I'm just so the kind of person that needs things to be spelled out right in front of their face to get it through my thick skull, and I'm glad that it was so I can rest assured that there wasn't some 'unopened door' that I'll wonder and regret not looking into. I did look into it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to be a friend to him, I even left the possibility of more then friendship be in my head...I did my part to ensure that I wasn't missing an oportunity to gain happiness in my life, and that's all I can do - I'm glad I did...because again, if I hadn't I would have always wondered. I live off of 'what if's' and 'shoulda, woulda coulda's' and I hate regret so much that I do everything in my power to eliminate as many potential regrets as possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which leaves my heart capable of being bumped, banged and thrown around quite a bit - but it's who I am and I'd rather be like that then a bitter, untrusting person who never gives anything a shot.
I guess I just need to, in the present and future realize that things that are supposed to be really don't need as much effort as I tend to allow to be given. Things that are right, just are - people who are supposed to be in my life, just are - and the people with whom I find the most comfort being around are the people that I don't have to work at all to impress, change myself for, or force anything more then what is. I'm so exhausted I'm probably ranting much more in circles then normal and not making sense to anyone - so I'm going to cut this short. I'm just saying that in the last 72 hours I've been able to feel like me and haven't had any shame in feeling that way, it's a huge relief to have any hours like that, much less so many all in one period.
I run so many circles around people and things, put so much effort into making things more then they are, and can be so good at being what other's expect or want me to be - and it's so unnecessary. I have people in my life that i don't need to do those things with, I have people who don't want anything more from me then what I can easily offer, they just want me to be me...I waste so much time doing other wise and it's finally sinking in that it's really time that I should be elsewhere. A lot of people don't even have one person that they can show their true colors too, and I have a few...and even one of them who not only excepts my reality but can relate on an entirely different level then anyone else. That makes me lucky. Between those few amazing friends, that one even more amazing friend, my beautiful son, and family that loves me, I'm much better off then most and I don't need to keep searching for anything else at this point in time.
So tonight I'm going to sleep like a rock, a calm, comfortable, contented ROCK. I'm going to enjoy having my son home, happy, safe and secure with me. I'm going to look forward to getting away for a night again next week. And I'm going to do what I almost never find myself doing, and not project, not look for anything but what I have, and just be grateful. I have a big heart, which leads me to make stupid choices sometimes, and leads me to get hurt other times ---- but it's that same heart that some people genuinley love and appreciate and it's that same heart that leaves myself open to that...so I'm not complaining, tonight I'm ok taking the good with the bad. I'm content with who is in my life, and I'm ok with who is not. And I'm just getting off of a high that all stemmed from just laughing my ass off, being myself, being close with someone else, important conversations that needed to be had, relaxing and being ok in my own skin for a change. I can only hope that there is someone out there for everyone that they can feel such comfort with, whether it be a parent, sibling, friend, significant other, or whatever - because it really counts.
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