A Complete 180'

Well I didn’t go back and look at the date on my last post but I know it was within this last week, and boy did things shift.

I had mentioned how I was feeling about a certain guy whom I had ‘seen’ for a little while last Spring, and who had re-entered my life just recently. Now that I know what I know, I’ll fill you all in on the FULL story and take it from there, I no longer care about hidden identities or worrying about the ‘other parties’ privacy…so it’ll make this much easier.

JUSTIN was the guy I met at outpatient last Spring and ended up dating for a little while, then after he dumped me ended up helping out when he got himself in trouble, and just recently allowed to twist me in knots just these last few weeks. Of course one of the first rules in the N/A or A/A program is not to get involved with anyone in the first year of sobriety, ESPECIALLY another addict….the rules at Conifer Park, which was our Outpatient were quite strict about dating within the client population…his Drug Court rules were against it… as was the ½ way house he was in when we first started hanging out. Right there, with all those reasons - I shouldn’t have spent any time with him out of the ‘rooms’ or outside the walls of OP, but of course I didn’t. Even more reason for me to have stayed away from him from the start was that I was in groups with him and did know certain things about his history with women and also knew that around this certain time he was also ‘leading on’ a fellow client within our little ‘incestuous drug addicted group of people.’ But as the story goes, I was lonely, he was there; showing me all this attention, saying all the perfect things, he’s very attractive, and I took the role of the pathetic, recently separated woman and proceeded. The first time we hung out we just went to Crandall Park, walked around, sat at the playground and talked - at the end of this night he kissed me ever so perfectly, and we said goodbye. The second time we hung out I was very open with him, very blunt, and told him that I was going through a significantly rough time and didn’t have room in my life for anything else that might hurt me…he of course assured me that he would never be ‘that guy’ and that he was oh so worried that I would be the one to end up hurting him. Skipping ahead, there were weekend visits at my house with my son and my mom (dad was in the hospital and then the nursing home this whole time) there were trips to his hometown to meet his mom and sister, plenty of meetings we rode and went together at, bowling dates, all that good stuff. I was 100% smitten for him, the butterflies that every girl cherishes were in my stomach big time whenever we saw each other or even spoke on the phone. He got me a dozen roses one weekend, a mother’s day card from him and another for Brian to give me, e-mails, phone calls, etc. It was going very much like any ‘normal’ relationship begins, perfect. Of course we had to be very discreet and not really speak to each other when at meetings or at outpatient, but that was very temporary because I was about to graduate Conifer Park, which took away any legal reasons we shouldn’t be together. Plus he was about to move out of the ½ way house and into ‘supportive’ living, which is like a shared apartment with very few rules that a few recovering addicts share and live in together. So during those first few weeks we were just counting down the days until we could really be open and not have to worry about getting caught together. The ONLY time I lied to my Counselor at Conifer was about Justin and I’s relationship - and after I graduated and after he was no longer a client, I went to visit Curtis and one of the first things I told him was about the relationship because I hated lying to him so much about anything. Ok I’m starting to get sidetracked here, back to the basics. A week after he moved into Supportive he dumped my ass, saying he just was so overwhelmed with the move, his new job, yadda yadda yadda. In reality I’ve since learned that his ex picked up the phone probably bored one night and called him, and pretty much that’s all it took. Plus I’m almost certain he was hooking up with another girl @ Conifer at the end also, but I’m not 100% so whatever. Since we had only been ‘seeing each other’ for a little over a month I wasn’t devastated, crushed, completely heart broken….but yeah I was sad and disappointed that we weren’t about to have the summer we had planned on, but I was ok. I gave myself 1 night to feel shitty about it, allowed myself to get a few tears out, whatever, but other then that I really didn’t dwell on it and allow myself to turn it into more then it was - which I do have a tendency of doing, again it was only a 6 week relationship, how crushed could I really allow myself to be?

On my 1 year anniversary of being clean, I was a mess. Instead of being excited, happy, proud, whatever I thought I would feel - I was guilt ridden, sad, hurt, disappointed, lonely, etc. Instead of looking at how far I had come I focused on how far I still had left to go, on my failed marriage, on every detail of exactly what happened on that day 1 year earlier. So I did what any recovering addict is supposed to do when they are feeling like that, and dragged my ass to a meeting, Brian was @ Jim’s for the night anyhow. I went to the MTG, received my 1 year N/A key tag from a friend, and then went to hang out with some of my friends in the program. Many of them live in an apartment complex so when you visit 1 you get to see many, which I liked. After having a great, home cooked meal by such friends, and after some great conversation I decided to call Justin - a phone call I really so wish I had never made. I mentioned that I was all melancholy and he casually invited me over after he got out of work to watch a movie and stay at his place, which again was against the rules of such place, but of course I did. I went to my Sponsors apartment (which was in the same complex,) and told her where I was going, her and my other friend were very much against it, but knew I was going to do what I was going to do and they were pretty much preaching to deaf ears. Of course I went, we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, talked, hooked up, etc. He of course did what he does and said ALL the right things to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world at that moment who was cared about like he cared about me…he was just a tortured, misunderstood guy who couldn’t catch a break, and who had been hurt so many times that he learned to leave girls before they could leave him (his words) blah blah….like I said he really was good at knowing just what buttons to play off of and what things to say to hit straight home. I snuck out of his room at 6AM that next morning, knowing I was a fool, but hoping for the best and came home.

2 days afterwards I get a phone call from Justin telling me that he was gone. He told me that he had slipped up and had a few beers the night earlier and the next morning his Drug Court had called him in for a drug and alcohol test - the alcohol one could detect traces for up to 3 days. According to him he panicked and just packed up a friends truck and ran. He had screwed up before on Drug Court so either way he knew this time he wasn’t getting a warning, he was going to prison….so in his mind set he figured he mine as well run and try to enjoy as much time as he could before they caught up with him. After all running wouldn’t add time to his 1-3 sentence anyhow, so why not try and get some summer fun out before getting locked up? I was SOOOOOO upset when he called and told me this. More so then when he dumped me, more so then any other thing that had occurred with us, I was devastated that he had done that - that now he would be facing prison, and selfishly - now he’d be definitely out of my life. I was so worried about him, he sounded so scared on the phone, so disappointed in himself. He told me where he was and of course, me being me, I went. He was staying at a family members house in Johnstown, which is about 75 miles from here, I actually knew the trip pretty well because I had to go the same way I used to when I’d visit Matt out in Amsterdam all those years ago. *Matt was my first real boyfriend, my first real love, my first - for those who don’t know who he is*

I probably am explaining more then I need too, BUT I really feel like it all adds up to why recently I got all entangled again. So while he was out on ‘the lamb’ I went back and fourth to see him a few times, of course helping him out with cigarettes and a little cash here and there - all of a sudden I was one of the only people he had so I was a needed asset at the time. I had blogged about this whole situation, I’m not sure how much I said, because I was always vague about it. On 1 of these little trips I was planning on spending the night and going out to the bar with him. Yeah in all these blogs I haven’t mentioned that once in awhile I was having a drink or two - which in N/A’s mind meant that I was no longer clean. We’ll hit on that stuff at another time, but yes on occasion I have a few drinks, but in no way do I feel threatened by that, or like it will lead me to go find myself some heroin. So I drove all the way out there, he had made this nice little dinner for us, we ate, then we went out. He knew tons of people there, he had spent time growing up in Johnstown so for him it was like going home, for me I was in a complete foreign environment. VERY LONG story short, I spent my money on buying us drinks and since I don’t drink often it really didn’t take me much to get pretty buzzed….this night is a perfect example of why I always hated alcohol compared to any other drug, because it really takes control away when it comes to certain things, like driving. After I was to the point where there was no way I would have driven all the way back home to North Creek, he chose to go off with some friends. We got into a big argument, I begged him to at least walk me back to his dad’s because I barely knew how to get there, plus I didn’t want to walk alone anywhere, drunk at 2 AM. He pretty much said ‘fuck you’ I am leaving, you do what you want….so in between crying and freaking out, I calmed myself down enough to safely drive my way back to his father’s house where I slept it off long enough until I was safe to come home. I was so upset that he cared so little about my safety, couldn’t believe he put me in that kind of situation, couldn’t fathom after all I had done for him and after all the things he knew about me that he would ditch me like a piece of trash the second something more interesting came up. I swore I would never speak to him again.

Of course within a couple days of that night he called, sooo apologetic, sooo convincing. I accepted his apology and told him that we were ‘fine’ and that I still wanted him to check in with me from time to time so I knew he was ok. He called every now and then, I even went back out to Johnstown one last night and watched a couple movies with him…what’s that saying ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? If I hadn’t been a complete idiot before, the fact that I even picked up the phone for him after that night at the bar made me a complete fool now. Eventually he ended up getting kicked out of his Dad’s home, had no place to go, so he moved himself in with an ex girlfriend…whom he had referred to before as his ‘fat girl with a credit card.’ Now I feel nothing but sympathy for this girl. While he was staying with her of course they got into a huge fight, and she called the cops and got him turned in. This was in early August.

Skip ahead until a few weeks ago when I decided to look Justin up in the NY state prison registry and see where he was and when he was getting out, curious I suppose. I ended up writing him a really short note just telling him that I hoped he was ok and that I was thinking about him and really praying that things for him turn out well. I said that I knew he wasn’t a monster, he was just a young guy who’s screwed up a few too many times and who I knew probably needed a FRIEND. A few nights later I got a phone call from Adirondack Correctional Facility, obviously it was him. We talked for about ½ hour where he told me how sorry he was, how wrong he was, how much he missed me, how many times he had written me but didn’t have the courage to send it, how he would never forgive himself for letting me get away, blah blah blah.

That apparently was all it took for me to turn from a reasonably stupid woman into a completely ridiculously idiotic little girl. The letters were pouring in and out of my mail box…I had arranged a trip out to Saranac Lake to go visit him, we had spoken on the phone twice more. His letters were really amazing, I’m not taking credit away from how stupid I was - I take full responsibility BUT at the same time he really truly is one of the best con artists I’ve ever encountered to be honest. He was talking about how much this whole situation had opened his eyes to the things he really wanted, like a family, stability. He told me that the ‘ex’ and him were still indeed writing and that she was taking care of him and sending him food, money, cig’s, but that he wasn’t at all in love with her, he admitted that he was using her because he couldn’t imagine having to do this time without anyone in his corner. He told me that he was in love with me. He then started wanting to make long term plans for the two of us. He spoke about how much he liked and cared about Brian. Again I admit stupidity here but again he just really knew what to say to get to me. I sent him a care package of course, with all those things that he needed - and I was writing him a letter a day, just so he’d get all that mail. He was writing just as much. Tomorrow, this coming Saturday I had a whole trip arranged with friends and everything to go out and visit him, my friend was going to do some hiking while I was visiting.

I didn’t mention that last Monday he had a Parole hearing to determine whether or not he’d be there until December 15th of this year, or of next year. The chances of him making Parole and getting out so soon were VERY SLIM, I was 99% sure he wouldn’t be released, as was he, which now makes all the sense in the world. So last night after I had the final touches finished up for the trip tomorrow I got another call from him. Before I gave him a chance to speak I told him that I’d be coming Sat, that it was definite, how excited I was, etc. Then he told me he had made Parole! Of course my first reaction was shock, but then I was so excited - he was actually going to be home in about a month, compared to a year! We could really give this a shot, not from writing letters while he sat in prison, but we could really see if us could work. By the way - he was in Prison for taking his dad’s motorcycle one night without permission and getting into an accident, his dad pressed charges, this occurred when he was 20 years old, and he was in Drug Court for years trying to avoid this prison time…so it’s not like he was in for any horrific crime.

After I went on and on about how excited I was, his voice got all low and serious. He then told me that he needed a place to parole to or else he wouldn’t be allowed to leave…and of course he put down his ex’s address when he went in front of the parole board, which I didn’t know - which of course he hadn’t told me. So now, he’s moving in with her and ENGAGED! I now can see it all for what it was. I opened the door by writing him that first letter - allowed him to do this. He thought for sure that he was going to be there for an entire year, he never thought he’d make Parole this time around. So why not find himself a ‘fake girlfriend’ who will send him $ or care packages, who will write him lots of letters, who will even drive to visit him once or twice a month? Of course all those things would have made that year go by a little easier for him, right? So he said all those things and wrote all those perfect letters just to ensure that he’d have not 1 but 2 people taking care of him and helping him through such a difficult experience. It’s actually pretty smart thinking on his part.

I’m not heartbroken this time around either, not devastated, not unreasonably hurt…I am so sincerely disjointed in myself and so disgusted with how stupid I was more so then any thing else. I just can’t believe I allowed myself to buy such obvious bull shit, just because that’s what I wanted to hear.

I’m running late now because I rambled so much for a Dr’s appointment - but to sum it up…now the whole story it out there, no more being vague about it. I’m relieved that he is getting out so soon because I didn’t spend a year having someone screw with my head for cig’s and visits, this way it was only a couple lousy weeks. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice - I’m a little thick, fool me three times then I’m a huge idiot and I vow never again. Have a great weekend all!