Well it’s, as ‘they’ call it, Hump Day. I personally used to love Wednesday’s, because it of course always meant that weekends were right around the corner, now not so much. I bitch and whine constantly about how much I miss Brian while he’s at Jim’s, and today will be no exception I assure you. I walked Bri to school about an hour ago and after school he get’s on the bug and heads to his Dad’s. I know it’s good for him, to spend as much time as possible with his father. He’s grown extremely close to his 10 year old, kinda of sort of step brother. And he’s adjusting well, for the most part…of course it has proven to take me much longer then him to make such an adjustment, I can’t seem to get used to him being gone so much. Yet, before I know it, he will be back home and the cycle continues.
Anyhow what else to write about??? Ugh I hate the part of this blog where I said I’d always be 100% honest, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, lol. I will be as vague as possible just to keep the other parties information confidential, not everyone is as hunky dory with all their shit being spread over the internet as I seem to be. But the guy I dated last spring and I have been communicating a lot lately. I haven’t set eyes on him yet, but lots of letters and a few phone calls. Out of anyone I’ve met or ‘seen’ in this last year he truly is the only one that sincerely gave me those ‘butterflies’ ya know Ladies, the ones we are eternally seeking? I care so much for him yet don’t trust him, which is such a hard thing to say out loud because it’s hard to feel the way I do knowing that such a key ingredient, such as trust isn’t there. He say’s all the perfect things, writes me all the sweetest letters, but I can’t help but ask myself if he’s just really that good of a con artist, I really want to believe he isn’t. It’s just been a long time that someone has spoken to me like they could envision spending their lives with me, or that they have strong feelings for me. I just sooooo want him to really mean what he’s been telling me, and I would love for us to really give it a shot, but of course there are complications, because it wouldn’t be me obviously if there weren’t. I’m willing to work with such complications though because although I’m scared of being hurt, I’m more scared of wondering if I missed out on something that could have been really amazing. I want a real relationship, I’m over the being single thing.
In this last year I’ve had a couple ’Friends with benefits’ we shall call it. Not many, but enough to know that I am not comfortable with and quite dislike that kind of relationship a lot. I’m incapable of keeping feelings at bay if they exist, and if they don’t then I shut down and I’m not interested anyhow. It’s pretty rare to find myself caught somewhere in between, but that too has also happened fairly recently. I’m not desperate to find someone right this second, not at all. I’m actually very proud of myself for being as OK with being single as I am. I just know what I prefer and what I don’t, and my preference is most definitely not that of a single life-style. I want all those night’s snuggled on the couch watching TV, I want dinners together, I want a home with someone I love who loves me just as much, I want someone who I can trust enough to know that he won’t hurt Brian in any way (even if we don’t work out.) I don’t want one night stands or seeing someone once or twice a month, watch a movie and …you know. So at this point I’m cautiously, ok very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about this situation and hopeful, all while trying to keep a sound mind and realistic attitude.
On a different note.
It’s so funny how things can change so dramatically in such short periods of time. For instance, when Jim and Becky first got together I would have done any and everything short of flying to the moon to break them up. I wanted him as lonely as I was, and I didn’t want her to have someone that for so long belonged to me. Now I worry about their relationship at times and pray that they do stay together. Brian has grown so attached to her son, and he does genuinely like her from what I’ve seen and heard. He has finally become completely comfortable spending 3 nights at a time away from me and home. Now if they do break up, which I mean chances are they will….(it’s hard to imagine the first person you take on a date after a substantionally long history with your wife will be the person you are with until you die.) Of course there is always a chance that once we are officially divorced that they will get married, possibly have children, all that crap…which I can’t believe I’ve gotten to a point where that is what I hope for. I very much wish things between Jim and I were different, very very different, but they are what they are. I’d change a dozen or so things about how we interact with one another, the current custody agreement, how he treats me, etc…but as far as my son is concerned I just want stability for him. It’s right up there on the top of the list of things any mom wants for their child, happiness, health, love, intelligence, stability, security, confidence, I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s just that in the 5 years Brian’s been alive he’s lived in 6, yes 6!!! Places! That’s ridiculous, it’s disgusting, it’s horrible. I never moved when I was a kid, one home, one school, one set of parents, and look how screwed up I turned out regardless of that stability. Of course my life was lacking that ingredient in other area’s, but in many my life was indeed stable. Brian’s has not been. Speaking of this….Jim and I got into a little conversation the other day that lasted almost an hour over the phone. It seems like most of his issues with me and what I do with Brian boils down to the fact that he hates where we live. He hates that I have Brian here where my dad and mom are both sick. Some part of me completely understands that. I need to learn where to draw the line though on how much impact his words have on me…because after that conversation I got right online and messaged my friend Steve (lol your in my blog Steve-O) Ok I met Steve before I met Jim, he dated my best friend years and YEARS ago…but come to find out Steve was one of Jim’s best friends and when Jim and I got together Steve was in our lives quite a bit. He’s been in the military for 8 years I think it will be soon, so he comes and goes all the time but he’s been consistently in my life for a long while. He comes home from Iraq, thank God, next month. Well I messaged him almost frantically and by the end of our conversation he was considering and really thinking about getting a big apartment with me and Brian, splitting the rent, blah blah blah. I was so excited that he would even agree to think about it, which he actually did more so and told me to start looking for places, I was psyched. So I started looking in the paper, and asking around and all of a sudden the other night it dawned on me to ask myself ‘why are you really moving out??” (side note : this is after I told Jim I was planning on moving in with one of his closest friends just to throw it in his face, he was furious, I loved it obviously.) When I asked myself why, it occurred to me that the main reason I was doing it was to prove something to Jim, to show him that I am capable, to look better if we went back to court. Not because I am miserable here, which of course sometimes I am, not because I know I’m ready financially, not because it would be the BEST thing possible for Brian, not because it’s what I truly want, but mainly because of Jim. Why in the world would I do something as drastic as moving out of my home with my son based on anything that has to do with my Ex?????? When I finally move out of here I want it to be after I have my own vehicle, after I have a second job so I will always know that I can make rent(or a different job of course), if either of my parents get ill to the point that it would be horribly hard and scary for Brian to live here. Steve is a real friend to me, he always has been…I mean the kind of friend that people hope to get, someone I know I can always trust and who will always try to lend a helping hand if he’s capable. How unfair would it be of me to even have asked him in the first place? Yes he would have less bills then if he lived alone, but other then that the rest of it would all be to benefit me. He doesn’t want to live in the JCS school district, but he would have, he doesn’t want to really live with a single mom and her 5 year old(although he really does love Brian), but he would have, he doesn’t want to have to drive 45 miles every day to school, but he would have. The job I have is awesome, the people I work for are amazing employers and such good people, I make decent money…BUT it’s a waitressing job with no chance of moving up any ladder, it’s very seasonal and it’s not 40 hours/week. Some months I might bring home $1500 some months I might bring home $200 - does that sound like an income steady enough to where I could promise with no doubts that Steve wouldn’t end up having to cover my ass month after month? Although my living situation isn’t the ‘norm’ and isn’t ideal most of the time, it has it’s perks….Brian has 3 adults here that love him to death, he has his own bedroom, a dog, he has the only place in his life that has been there from the beginning, and he has security, stability as well as happiness here. I don’t sit alone on my couch 3 nights a week when he’s not here, I pay some bills here but definitely not as many as if I lived anywhere else, and I also get to help my parents out being here. It really isn’t all bad. After realizing this I slept on it, thought some more, then ended up telling Steve yesterday that it just wasn’t a good idea just yet, that I wasn’t ready to move next month, and that I also thought it was unfair of me to ask him in the first place. With friends like that you have to be careful what you ask of them because they will always try and help you. Phew I’m rambling, sorry. Point is that I no longer should allow my actions, my life to be directed by Jim. I know that I’m working, that I’m a good mother, I know that I offer so much to my son and for my son. I know I’m doing a hell of a lot better now then at other periods of time, and I know that I’m close to being out of here, but just not close enough to push it. And NO judge would take my child and/or any of my time with him away from me because I live here. Just because Brian has been and is exposed to sickness doesn’t make it an unacceptable living environment. If anything he will grow up appreciating things more, he will be a more compassionate person in the long run, and he will have plenty of great memory’s of my parents when they eventually do pass away….I’m the grown up, and I exclude him from 99% of hospital visits, Dr appointments, etc - I know what’s appropriate for him to be exposed to and what is not. Jim makes it sound like Brian is living in a home where there is nothing but sickness and fear and misery - not the case. My parents both still are more then capable of playing with, watching, spending time with, LOVING and caring for Brian. If you put them both together it makes one completely healthy grandparent, and they are always together so it works out ok. Of course I want to have my own place, but like I said, I don’t want Brian to have to move around 10 more times before he is 18 - the next time I move I want to believe it’s for good…whether it’s by myself or with someone else.
One last quick thing to hit on and then I’ll sign off before this becomes any more ridiculously long then it already is,lol. Brian got a gift certificate on Halloween for a free game for 4 people bowling. He also got a gift certificate for being such a good little reader for a free pizza @ Pizza Hut…so Sunday we planned on going and having a nice little day together. As much as I enjoy spending time with Brian, whenever it’s an activity like that, and includes the drive to GF, I would rather include a friend to have another grown up to chat with and such. So after a little badgering I got a really old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spent real time with in years to come along and bring her 2 year old son. She and I used to be very close when we were younger, and like most friendships we ended up growing apart little by little in the long run. Well since this was the first time we had really hung out in so long there was quite a bit to catch up with in each other’s lives. Of course my “situation” came up like it always does and of course she also had heard the worst of the worst of the stories that flew around town after everything happened. She, along with most other people, had heard that Westie and I were found with needles hanging out of our arms, passed out for hours and hours with Brian screaming in the back seat. As I’ve said in previous posts, the reality of what happened is horrific enough, it’s so hard to understand why people made it even worse when telling the story to other’s. I don’t know where it came from, who told the original first version of that story, or whatever, and I really don’t care. I just have to keep it in my mind, and remember that so when I do see people I haven’t since that awful day I remember to at some point tell them what really happened from start to end. I don’t need to spend hours talking about everything involved, just the basics to at least let the true story be heard since the gossip one definitely has been. Small town shit ;-) But we had a really nice time, I did anyhow, and I’d love to start spending more time with her every now and then, not allow another 5 years to pass by. Since I’m not sweating out handfuls of friends, it’s important for me to reach out to the people I do have and try to keep those friendships running strong.
OK I’m DONE RANTING, lol. In all reality and kidding aside, I can’t believe that this blog became this long, I really was just planning on doing a quick catch up. But since we’re talking about reality I should admit that most of the time when that’s what I plan on it does become a short novel in the end. You all should see the size of the letters I used to write Westie, or the ones I’m currently writing to ‘the secret boy’ lol. I hope this finds all of you very well and enjoying the week, on this, the ‘hump day.’ Please again as I’ve said before, if you actually read these posts of mine, become a follower, I like knowing who out there actually takes the time to read any of my purging. Just recently someone whom I had no idea read this contacted me…he is also someone I never really knew in high school, older then me, etc…but just knew him from ‘around’ he just wrote a quick message to me and told me a little about some issue’s he’s had in the past with drugs and alcohol, something he said he hasn’t told many people about. I felt so honored and humbled that he took the time to read what I have had to say, and felt comfortable enough because of that to talk to me a little. When I first started this whole thing almost a year ago, that was the main reason why, and the thing I wanted most to come out of it - so I was pretty (again because it’s the only word I can think of that fits) humbled by the whole thing. This blog has gotten me to 2 different schools to speak, one school I’ve been at twice. It’s been read by people who not know more about my story then what they had always assumed or heard. It’s initiated relationships with people I had lost contact with, or whom I barely even knew. All and all I have to say it’s been a pretty successful experiment to say the least, one that I’m very grateful for.
Bye for now. Take care of yourself. And to be cheesy, which I really sooooo am most of the time - try hard to really like yourself. I always say to Brian that I love him and I like him, because I truly do. There are people in my life that I really do love but don’t really like much, if that makes and sense and if anyone can relate I don’t know. So I find it important to let Brian know that not only do I love him because he is my son, my life, that I really like the person he is and I really like to spend time with him. And that’s where I’m at with myself - I feel like I’m starting to like myself, not sure if I’m at love yet, but liking is working pretty good for me at the time being. So just try to like yourself, even if it starts at just a little but for only a few reasons. With that I say so long - mine as well stay cheesy.
*Krista*
No comments:
Post a Comment