'You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em. know when to walk away, know when to run"

There are all sorts of sayings.... like - Pick your battles
- Dedicate to things you fully believe in, or people
- Know when to walk away
- Know when you should stay
- Go with your gut, but at what costs?

I'm really bad with any part of any situation that gives the good advice of just walking away from something. When my marriage was falling apart, I knew it was over - but I would have stayed with him rather then be without him, even if it meant a miserable marriage. I was convinced for way to long that we could make it work, that he and i belonged together. I was terrified of being alone, being a single mother...etc.

That's just 1 of many more examples of how I 'go with my gut' without using my brain. I run almost totally on emotions, which can make me carry a few positive traits, but it can also steer me in so many wrong directions. Feelings are feelings, and I need to learn not to base choices on feelings alone.

My ego is fragile and gets bruised often. Because of that i usually end up holding that against the few people in my life who don't deserve it. I hold on to ever ounce of emotional pain i've ever had, and it makes me more full of baggage then any other single mom in my shoes.

Lately all I've done is see the worst in people - forgetting all the good. I dont want to be that bitter, sad, lonely, person that lets that kind of thinking get the best of her. I dont want to wake up 50 and see myself in the same light.

Good things are coming - and i have the balls to just wish i had someone to share those things with? I am a damn strong person, and i'm sure countless people reading this just laughed out loud at that statement. But I have survived more then most people my age, or older ever have. I think if I was as weak as I can come across sometimes, then I'd be dead by now. But I'm not, and i need to at least give myself some credit for making it this far, through all the shit storms, deaths, drugs, jail, almost loosing my life just this summer, etc.

So yeah Christmas will suck this year without my dad with us. But I'll deal with that, so Brian can have the best Christmas as to date. That also makes me strong. I might not be mommy of the week, day even .... but i put his happiness above my saddness. I'm making things better only thinking of how that could help him in his future. Good things are out there, people too. I just have felt betrayed by some people lately i never would have imagined....but again, i blame one of them for a million other things as well - so it doesn't even kind of even out to be fair on them.

This is a lot of randomness I know. But hey, random thoughts pop into my head, then i blog - that's the point, i think?
XOOOXOXOXOXOOXOX