Quick Post

I just copied and pasted this from my face book status. The first part that is in quotes came from a website that sends me daily messages about dealing with loss. The second is me trying to hard to explain why it feels the way it does for me. I dunno... just trying to make the few people in my life who are trying to understand what this is doing to me that I love them for even giving it a second thought - and I do need you in my life... the problem is that it shouldn't be one persons resposibility for me to put all that need onto them - even the few close friends I have shouldn't even have to take one sections of that kind of need. I know this will get better - and I apologize for being so 'needy' right now. I'm sure after Christmas this will calm back down in my head again like it was for awhile. I'm positive that it will get easier. Just praying that it comes sooner then later.

‎"You are more than your grief. Although it feels so big that it overtakes your life, your life is bigger. Your soul is bigger. You have a vast spaciousness within you that mirrors the spaciousness around you. This can be difficult to remember and even harder, at times, to recognize, but grief is NOT the TOTALITY of your existence on this planet. Hold the spaciousness and the grief simultaneously. Grief can make you feel like you've lost purpose especially if your loved one was ill and you helped care for them...the questions of 'now what' are probably echoing in your head countless times a day. You are more then your grief, and you were always more then the person your grieving for. Sometimes the hardest part comes right after a death, other times it hits you months or even years later and comes with no warning. The grieving process is not a science, and EVERY person will go through it differently. Try to be thankful for those you have that are still with you - it's not weak to ask for help, it might just be one of the strongest things you will ever do. I just hope for your sake that the people around you will be there if you reach out, because I know how hard it can be to do something seemingly so simple. Just keep remembering today, all day, that you are more then your grief." - Needed these words today


I might post a lot about my dad and missing him. If I see you I might even talk about it casually in passing. If we're close I'll talk about it often, but rarely even allow myself to tear up while doing so. But when the hard parts hit I don't talk, during those times Id like nothing more then to hide in a locked room where I'd never have to answer the question ' are you ok ' again. Because people just ask you that hoping to hear, 'yep, i'm fine' and then they can say that they asked, tried, did their part. FINE means, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional - so if I say I'm fine, then that's exactly what I mean. My father was a ghost to the world long before he died - out of site out of mind. That's why he didn't get visitors at the nursing home - because he had been a ghost for so many years. He just wasn't a ghost to me, he was literally half of me. He wasn't a ghost to my mom, or to Brian, or to Jim when he lived here ... but grieiving for someone who people feel has to them been gone 10 years already, makes it easy for them to forget that it's only been 3 months to me and my mom. Ugh I'm just rambling....I hope everyone has a great day - I gotta get ready for work!