So I have formally begun my Step 1 - again to remind all you non-addicts out there "I admitted I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable." I did a formal step 1 in rehab and another in outpatient, OR SO I THOUGHT. I'm now doing it out of the N/A stepworking guide and OMG, my hand is going to fall off. Step 1 alone has 63 questions....here are a few just to chew on....
9. have i given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? what have they been?
10. have i compulsively acted on an obsession and then acted as if i had actually planned to act that way? when were those times?
11. how have i blamed other people for my behavior?
12. how have i compared my addiction with others addiction? is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
13. Am i comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got clean? am i plagued by the idea that i should know better?
14. have i been thinking that i have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
15. am i avoiding action because I'm afraid i will be ashamed when i face the results of my addiction? am i avoiding action because im worried about what others will thing?
These questions are in depth, long answers, crazy questions. I have only done about 20 of them and must have about 60 pages hand written with their answers...it's nuts! I really think when I'm done, if I ever get done with all of these steps (which I will say some of the most dedicated members of AA and NA never do) I should just type it out and make a book. I know a woman who has been clean 9 years and just started her step 8, so I guess I have a long road ahead of me as far as just the step work alone goes. The Step Work is truly "where it's at" though. If I really, and completely do these steps, work them and live them then that's where the change will happen - where I will change in more ways then just being clean from drugs....so that's where I'm at when it comes to such things. I was super excited about having a sponsor but I don't know how things are working in that department. I am actually meeting a woman next week from AA who has been refered to me by a woman I really respect to see if she and I would be a good fit, and if she would be willing to work the steps with me and guide me through some of them. It's just hard because it's easy to get the line between friendship and sponsorship blurred, and people take things personally, and like everything else something things just don't work out - so we'll see how it goes when I meet this other woman, and who know's maybe I'll end up spending more time in AA then NA in the end also...like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I've had some issues lately in my fellowship so it's just about keeping my options open. But tonight I am going to a NA meeting, forcing myself because I'm tired and lazy, but I'm going.
Brian, mom and I went and saw Thomas the Train today. He got to run through a hay maze, jump in some bouncy houses, and take the train ride - he had a ball. In a little while we will be heading to Warrensburg, I'll be picking up my friend for the mtg, and dropping Brian off at her house - which I've done now 3 times. Between my friend and her fiancée they have 4 kids!!! The two boys are super close to Brian in age, and it's like his fantasy when he walks into their house, lol...so it works out well. Her boyfriend is awesome with all the kids, Brian feels really comfortable there, it's only for 2 hours, and it gets both the mom's to where we need to be while the kids have fun at home...that's what I call ladies and gentlemen a win win situation :-)
I'm tired, and like I said I've been writing like a mad person lately so I'm going to sign off. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post, but I went to JCS again and spoke to a really small group of girls this past Tuesday...that was my third time speaking at a school. I really had a nice time, and I guess the teacher was impressed and happy with how it went and she thought the girls really took it in. I wish I could make a career out of public speaking, god come on, I'd be a perfect candidate to get paid to speak, I'd be in heaven, lol. Money or no money though, believe me, I love to do it, and there is no other feeling in the world to think that I might actually say something to help someone later in their life, ya know? When we went to Bolton it was amazing to reach THAT many students at one time, but even in small classes, if I keep going, the numbers sure will add up. I'm sure by now you all realize that I don't mind too much putting my shit out there for all to read - some think I'm nuts for doing it, some respect it and consider me strong for it...like I've said over and over, I just do it to practice the honesty piece, and because I've found that what people assume is usually much worse then the reality anyhow.
I'm going to go and start getting ready. I'm not sure exactly what or when I wrote last - or if I touched base on our family court appearance or not. If I didn't - we got joint, no argument, totally civil (even if Jim was faking the whole time.) Just to let you know, if I didn't get into it previously I will in the next blog, because it isn't as cut and dry as I was hoping and now a whole new mound of issues is arising to cause concern, and I'm totally stressing over it. It's hard with this blog thing, I can't ever remember what I wrote last time, lol, maybe before I sit down to make a new post I should re-read my last one, so I don't repeat myself :-) I'll write soon though after finding out just where I did leave it last, and take it from there. Much love to you all! Happy summer!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
it's all over the place, so there is no title to this one :-)
Happy Sunday to everyone. Brian spent all day and night with his Dad yesterday, it was so foreign - definitely the longest I’ve gone without seeing the little dude since October. So I filled the time the best I could…I spent the entire day in Glens Falls at a Fellowship function, with lots of speakers, food and friends. For the most part it was nice, but I definitely have to remember “principals before personalities.” I’ve had a rough week in my “rooms.” I was open and honest with everyone in a mtg that I was indeed on a DRT ( drug replacement therapy / Suboxone.) Now there is all sorts of controversy surrounding whether or not I can “celebrate” my year next month, chair mtg’s, bring mtgs too places like rehabs, jails, hospitals, etc. Each group is supposedly “autonomous” meaning they are all different and can chose amongst that group whether they will acknowledge me as clean or not, so hopefully even if I have problems with my home area, I will find either another fellowship or another area to go to without the judgment. I know in my heart that I have been clean, I have taken this medication completely as prescribed, I am seeing my Dr. monthly for pill counts drug screens and sessions, and I made this choice with my counselor at Conifer, with lots of research, and mostly with myself. People who are on prescribed pain meds either short or long term, psychiatric meds, etc are still considered clean if they say they are, but Methadone has given any kind of DRT such a bad name, and many are uneducated on the difference between that and the Suboxone. I am scared to go off this Opiate Blocker in my current living situation, being that I’m in a house filled with narcotics…so until I feel safe enough to eliminate this extra little crutch I will not apologize for it. On the flip side though I am truly starting to trust, love and find support in the people I’ve grown so close too in NA and I hope that this is not something that comes between that. So that’s been a little uncomfortable, just like being honest sometimes is - it sure beats lying though, then lying to cover the first lie, and falling back into that nature of being scared all the time of being found out, etc. Honesty really is so much easier, which again is my main purpose for this blog.
Then around 7 when I got back from Glens Falls I went and spent some time with Katy, my very best friend. Then when she had to return to her mom’s who was babysitting her daughter Addison, I came home…only to go back out J I called my friend Luke who lives up the road, we’ve been good friends for years. I told him I was wide awake, and bored and I’d be there in 5 seconds…he was still awake, so we watched half a movie till I got tired and came home to fall right to sleep. I have so much work to do on that piece of myself - being able to sit alone and be comfortable. Not needing that constant validation, filling of voids, company, etc. As of lately I’m realizing how much more work there is ahead of me. I’m clean, which is a huge step…but I still haven’t found - serenity, a higher power that I trust enough to turn my life and my will over too, ways to deal with insecurities, resentments, etc. In the beginning I was just so scared of using that staying clean was all I could concentrate on - not running to the 1 thing I knew worked to make me feel better, or not to feel at all. Now that the constant obsession with using has been lifted, at least a huge portion of that obsession, I can start really concentrating on what the pro’s call the “Causes and Conditions.” Basically what made me turn to drugs to begin with, why I felt so comfortable not dealing with real life, etc etc etc. So there is a lot of work ahead, but I’m looking forward to it. I didn’t like the person I was WAY before I used drugs, so it isn’t about going back to who I was, it’s about altering everything I’ve ever known and living by the saying “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” And I know I want to change, I want better, I want to be happy, to raise my son the best to my ability, so I’ll work till I’m confident enough in myself to feel like I am getting to being that person I want to be.
Wow random tangents there. I have Family Court tomorrow - I’m not even nervous, it’s great. I’ve been begging and pleading with Jim to “play nice” and not fight me or whatever….until it was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I no longer have anything to hide, that I’ve earned to have Brian back with me legally, and that the judge knows all the bad stuff already….so now that I’m not in fear, and feeling that old feeling of actually doing something wrong, that I had to lie, cover up, that I didn’t have a leg to stand on, I’m ready. Plus given the actions or lack there of in the last 6 months, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want full physical custody anyhow, so I doubt he’d put up much of a fight.
I still can’t understand plenty of things. I feel like I dealt with my little relationship coming to an end very well. I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t angry, I even reached out and told him that only wished the best for him. We were speaking, things we nice. Then yesterday he walked right past me like I didn’t exist. Jim and I were together for a LONG time, but this last time, there was no huge thing that broke us up - no one did anything new or terrible - he just realized before I did that we truly we over. There was no reason for him to be angry with me….at first right after the split, he wasn’t awful to me, he could talk rationally with me and decently. Now it’s terrible - he truly acts like he hates me, never speaks to me without making me feel like shit, never co-parents and talks to me about anything involving Brian other then when he’s picking him up. I don’t understand that - how can someone love one day, lose interest in the next, and hate the other person the following? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I will never understand. I just have to realize that although I’ve messed up plenty, this time I did nothing wrong, and it really is on him, and not take it so personally. I just accepted that I still want his approval and try to make him think nicely of me, that needs to end - I should not need validation from someone who treats me like this and left me after 7 years, even though it was the best thing for us both. It’s hard to explain, but I need to stop letting him affect me as much as he has and still does. It shouldn’t matter how he views me, what he thinks of me, or anything. So all and all I just don’t get the changing of emotions so quickly. I’m a woman and they say we change our minds constantly, I disagree, men are much more fickle and all over the place then us, at least me anyhow.
Dad’s back home. I feel such guilt for saying it, but I wish he wasn’t. I love him so much - but it’s so stressful and anxiety risen when he is here. He lays in bed and sleeps most of the time, is obviously depressed, and edgy. The month that he was gone, was like a load was lifted off our roof, that is now right back on. Again I hate admitting this - but it’s out of love for both my parents, my son and myself that I feel this way. Mom’s sick too, seriously sick - and I know she missed him and hated him being gone for an entire month - but I know that she too felt part of the relief I did during that time. The entire mood of the house shifts when he is here, and it’s just not healthy to anyone, when he could be a mile away - being taken better care of by professionals, getting better help, with us seeing him constantly…so that’s where I’m at with that.
Alright I’m not sure what this blog was even about, I veered off track a few times, and ranted a little, I know that much. Hopefully I at least made a little sense, and was able to catch everyone up a little on what’s up with me. I’ve gotton even more love from those that have been reading this, and it means so much to me. I’m not sure why so many find my ramblings interesting, or insightful, or whatever….but I am grateful to all of you that do read, and the ones that have responded with such encouragement, compliments, love, support and non judgement. You are the people that keep me writing, and let me know you care and get something out of reading….so again I’m so grateful.
Then around 7 when I got back from Glens Falls I went and spent some time with Katy, my very best friend. Then when she had to return to her mom’s who was babysitting her daughter Addison, I came home…only to go back out J I called my friend Luke who lives up the road, we’ve been good friends for years. I told him I was wide awake, and bored and I’d be there in 5 seconds…he was still awake, so we watched half a movie till I got tired and came home to fall right to sleep. I have so much work to do on that piece of myself - being able to sit alone and be comfortable. Not needing that constant validation, filling of voids, company, etc. As of lately I’m realizing how much more work there is ahead of me. I’m clean, which is a huge step…but I still haven’t found - serenity, a higher power that I trust enough to turn my life and my will over too, ways to deal with insecurities, resentments, etc. In the beginning I was just so scared of using that staying clean was all I could concentrate on - not running to the 1 thing I knew worked to make me feel better, or not to feel at all. Now that the constant obsession with using has been lifted, at least a huge portion of that obsession, I can start really concentrating on what the pro’s call the “Causes and Conditions.” Basically what made me turn to drugs to begin with, why I felt so comfortable not dealing with real life, etc etc etc. So there is a lot of work ahead, but I’m looking forward to it. I didn’t like the person I was WAY before I used drugs, so it isn’t about going back to who I was, it’s about altering everything I’ve ever known and living by the saying “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” And I know I want to change, I want better, I want to be happy, to raise my son the best to my ability, so I’ll work till I’m confident enough in myself to feel like I am getting to being that person I want to be.
Wow random tangents there. I have Family Court tomorrow - I’m not even nervous, it’s great. I’ve been begging and pleading with Jim to “play nice” and not fight me or whatever….until it was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I no longer have anything to hide, that I’ve earned to have Brian back with me legally, and that the judge knows all the bad stuff already….so now that I’m not in fear, and feeling that old feeling of actually doing something wrong, that I had to lie, cover up, that I didn’t have a leg to stand on, I’m ready. Plus given the actions or lack there of in the last 6 months, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want full physical custody anyhow, so I doubt he’d put up much of a fight.
I still can’t understand plenty of things. I feel like I dealt with my little relationship coming to an end very well. I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t angry, I even reached out and told him that only wished the best for him. We were speaking, things we nice. Then yesterday he walked right past me like I didn’t exist. Jim and I were together for a LONG time, but this last time, there was no huge thing that broke us up - no one did anything new or terrible - he just realized before I did that we truly we over. There was no reason for him to be angry with me….at first right after the split, he wasn’t awful to me, he could talk rationally with me and decently. Now it’s terrible - he truly acts like he hates me, never speaks to me without making me feel like shit, never co-parents and talks to me about anything involving Brian other then when he’s picking him up. I don’t understand that - how can someone love one day, lose interest in the next, and hate the other person the following? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I will never understand. I just have to realize that although I’ve messed up plenty, this time I did nothing wrong, and it really is on him, and not take it so personally. I just accepted that I still want his approval and try to make him think nicely of me, that needs to end - I should not need validation from someone who treats me like this and left me after 7 years, even though it was the best thing for us both. It’s hard to explain, but I need to stop letting him affect me as much as he has and still does. It shouldn’t matter how he views me, what he thinks of me, or anything. So all and all I just don’t get the changing of emotions so quickly. I’m a woman and they say we change our minds constantly, I disagree, men are much more fickle and all over the place then us, at least me anyhow.
Dad’s back home. I feel such guilt for saying it, but I wish he wasn’t. I love him so much - but it’s so stressful and anxiety risen when he is here. He lays in bed and sleeps most of the time, is obviously depressed, and edgy. The month that he was gone, was like a load was lifted off our roof, that is now right back on. Again I hate admitting this - but it’s out of love for both my parents, my son and myself that I feel this way. Mom’s sick too, seriously sick - and I know she missed him and hated him being gone for an entire month - but I know that she too felt part of the relief I did during that time. The entire mood of the house shifts when he is here, and it’s just not healthy to anyone, when he could be a mile away - being taken better care of by professionals, getting better help, with us seeing him constantly…so that’s where I’m at with that.
Alright I’m not sure what this blog was even about, I veered off track a few times, and ranted a little, I know that much. Hopefully I at least made a little sense, and was able to catch everyone up a little on what’s up with me. I’ve gotton even more love from those that have been reading this, and it means so much to me. I’m not sure why so many find my ramblings interesting, or insightful, or whatever….but I am grateful to all of you that do read, and the ones that have responded with such encouragement, compliments, love, support and non judgement. You are the people that keep me writing, and let me know you care and get something out of reading….so again I’m so grateful.
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