So I have formally begun my Step 1 - again to remind all you non-addicts out there "I admitted I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable." I did a formal step 1 in rehab and another in outpatient, OR SO I THOUGHT. I'm now doing it out of the N/A stepworking guide and OMG, my hand is going to fall off. Step 1 alone has 63 questions....here are a few just to chew on....
9. have i given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? what have they been?
10. have i compulsively acted on an obsession and then acted as if i had actually planned to act that way? when were those times?
11. how have i blamed other people for my behavior?
12. how have i compared my addiction with others addiction? is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
13. Am i comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got clean? am i plagued by the idea that i should know better?
14. have i been thinking that i have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
15. am i avoiding action because I'm afraid i will be ashamed when i face the results of my addiction? am i avoiding action because im worried about what others will thing?
These questions are in depth, long answers, crazy questions. I have only done about 20 of them and must have about 60 pages hand written with their answers...it's nuts! I really think when I'm done, if I ever get done with all of these steps (which I will say some of the most dedicated members of AA and NA never do) I should just type it out and make a book. I know a woman who has been clean 9 years and just started her step 8, so I guess I have a long road ahead of me as far as just the step work alone goes. The Step Work is truly "where it's at" though. If I really, and completely do these steps, work them and live them then that's where the change will happen - where I will change in more ways then just being clean from drugs....so that's where I'm at when it comes to such things. I was super excited about having a sponsor but I don't know how things are working in that department. I am actually meeting a woman next week from AA who has been refered to me by a woman I really respect to see if she and I would be a good fit, and if she would be willing to work the steps with me and guide me through some of them. It's just hard because it's easy to get the line between friendship and sponsorship blurred, and people take things personally, and like everything else something things just don't work out - so we'll see how it goes when I meet this other woman, and who know's maybe I'll end up spending more time in AA then NA in the end also...like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I've had some issues lately in my fellowship so it's just about keeping my options open. But tonight I am going to a NA meeting, forcing myself because I'm tired and lazy, but I'm going.
Brian, mom and I went and saw Thomas the Train today. He got to run through a hay maze, jump in some bouncy houses, and take the train ride - he had a ball. In a little while we will be heading to Warrensburg, I'll be picking up my friend for the mtg, and dropping Brian off at her house - which I've done now 3 times. Between my friend and her fiancée they have 4 kids!!! The two boys are super close to Brian in age, and it's like his fantasy when he walks into their house, lol...so it works out well. Her boyfriend is awesome with all the kids, Brian feels really comfortable there, it's only for 2 hours, and it gets both the mom's to where we need to be while the kids have fun at home...that's what I call ladies and gentlemen a win win situation :-)
I'm tired, and like I said I've been writing like a mad person lately so I'm going to sign off. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post, but I went to JCS again and spoke to a really small group of girls this past Tuesday...that was my third time speaking at a school. I really had a nice time, and I guess the teacher was impressed and happy with how it went and she thought the girls really took it in. I wish I could make a career out of public speaking, god come on, I'd be a perfect candidate to get paid to speak, I'd be in heaven, lol. Money or no money though, believe me, I love to do it, and there is no other feeling in the world to think that I might actually say something to help someone later in their life, ya know? When we went to Bolton it was amazing to reach THAT many students at one time, but even in small classes, if I keep going, the numbers sure will add up. I'm sure by now you all realize that I don't mind too much putting my shit out there for all to read - some think I'm nuts for doing it, some respect it and consider me strong for it...like I've said over and over, I just do it to practice the honesty piece, and because I've found that what people assume is usually much worse then the reality anyhow.
I'm going to go and start getting ready. I'm not sure exactly what or when I wrote last - or if I touched base on our family court appearance or not. If I didn't - we got joint, no argument, totally civil (even if Jim was faking the whole time.) Just to let you know, if I didn't get into it previously I will in the next blog, because it isn't as cut and dry as I was hoping and now a whole new mound of issues is arising to cause concern, and I'm totally stressing over it. It's hard with this blog thing, I can't ever remember what I wrote last time, lol, maybe before I sit down to make a new post I should re-read my last one, so I don't repeat myself :-) I'll write soon though after finding out just where I did leave it last, and take it from there. Much love to you all! Happy summer!
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