Happy Sunday to everyone. Brian spent all day and night with his Dad yesterday, it was so foreign - definitely the longest I’ve gone without seeing the little dude since October. So I filled the time the best I could…I spent the entire day in Glens Falls at a Fellowship function, with lots of speakers, food and friends. For the most part it was nice, but I definitely have to remember “principals before personalities.” I’ve had a rough week in my “rooms.” I was open and honest with everyone in a mtg that I was indeed on a DRT ( drug replacement therapy / Suboxone.) Now there is all sorts of controversy surrounding whether or not I can “celebrate” my year next month, chair mtg’s, bring mtgs too places like rehabs, jails, hospitals, etc. Each group is supposedly “autonomous” meaning they are all different and can chose amongst that group whether they will acknowledge me as clean or not, so hopefully even if I have problems with my home area, I will find either another fellowship or another area to go to without the judgment. I know in my heart that I have been clean, I have taken this medication completely as prescribed, I am seeing my Dr. monthly for pill counts drug screens and sessions, and I made this choice with my counselor at Conifer, with lots of research, and mostly with myself. People who are on prescribed pain meds either short or long term, psychiatric meds, etc are still considered clean if they say they are, but Methadone has given any kind of DRT such a bad name, and many are uneducated on the difference between that and the Suboxone. I am scared to go off this Opiate Blocker in my current living situation, being that I’m in a house filled with narcotics…so until I feel safe enough to eliminate this extra little crutch I will not apologize for it. On the flip side though I am truly starting to trust, love and find support in the people I’ve grown so close too in NA and I hope that this is not something that comes between that. So that’s been a little uncomfortable, just like being honest sometimes is - it sure beats lying though, then lying to cover the first lie, and falling back into that nature of being scared all the time of being found out, etc. Honesty really is so much easier, which again is my main purpose for this blog.
Then around 7 when I got back from Glens Falls I went and spent some time with Katy, my very best friend. Then when she had to return to her mom’s who was babysitting her daughter Addison, I came home…only to go back out J I called my friend Luke who lives up the road, we’ve been good friends for years. I told him I was wide awake, and bored and I’d be there in 5 seconds…he was still awake, so we watched half a movie till I got tired and came home to fall right to sleep. I have so much work to do on that piece of myself - being able to sit alone and be comfortable. Not needing that constant validation, filling of voids, company, etc. As of lately I’m realizing how much more work there is ahead of me. I’m clean, which is a huge step…but I still haven’t found - serenity, a higher power that I trust enough to turn my life and my will over too, ways to deal with insecurities, resentments, etc. In the beginning I was just so scared of using that staying clean was all I could concentrate on - not running to the 1 thing I knew worked to make me feel better, or not to feel at all. Now that the constant obsession with using has been lifted, at least a huge portion of that obsession, I can start really concentrating on what the pro’s call the “Causes and Conditions.” Basically what made me turn to drugs to begin with, why I felt so comfortable not dealing with real life, etc etc etc. So there is a lot of work ahead, but I’m looking forward to it. I didn’t like the person I was WAY before I used drugs, so it isn’t about going back to who I was, it’s about altering everything I’ve ever known and living by the saying “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” And I know I want to change, I want better, I want to be happy, to raise my son the best to my ability, so I’ll work till I’m confident enough in myself to feel like I am getting to being that person I want to be.
Wow random tangents there. I have Family Court tomorrow - I’m not even nervous, it’s great. I’ve been begging and pleading with Jim to “play nice” and not fight me or whatever….until it was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I no longer have anything to hide, that I’ve earned to have Brian back with me legally, and that the judge knows all the bad stuff already….so now that I’m not in fear, and feeling that old feeling of actually doing something wrong, that I had to lie, cover up, that I didn’t have a leg to stand on, I’m ready. Plus given the actions or lack there of in the last 6 months, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want full physical custody anyhow, so I doubt he’d put up much of a fight.
I still can’t understand plenty of things. I feel like I dealt with my little relationship coming to an end very well. I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t angry, I even reached out and told him that only wished the best for him. We were speaking, things we nice. Then yesterday he walked right past me like I didn’t exist. Jim and I were together for a LONG time, but this last time, there was no huge thing that broke us up - no one did anything new or terrible - he just realized before I did that we truly we over. There was no reason for him to be angry with me….at first right after the split, he wasn’t awful to me, he could talk rationally with me and decently. Now it’s terrible - he truly acts like he hates me, never speaks to me without making me feel like shit, never co-parents and talks to me about anything involving Brian other then when he’s picking him up. I don’t understand that - how can someone love one day, lose interest in the next, and hate the other person the following? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I will never understand. I just have to realize that although I’ve messed up plenty, this time I did nothing wrong, and it really is on him, and not take it so personally. I just accepted that I still want his approval and try to make him think nicely of me, that needs to end - I should not need validation from someone who treats me like this and left me after 7 years, even though it was the best thing for us both. It’s hard to explain, but I need to stop letting him affect me as much as he has and still does. It shouldn’t matter how he views me, what he thinks of me, or anything. So all and all I just don’t get the changing of emotions so quickly. I’m a woman and they say we change our minds constantly, I disagree, men are much more fickle and all over the place then us, at least me anyhow.
Dad’s back home. I feel such guilt for saying it, but I wish he wasn’t. I love him so much - but it’s so stressful and anxiety risen when he is here. He lays in bed and sleeps most of the time, is obviously depressed, and edgy. The month that he was gone, was like a load was lifted off our roof, that is now right back on. Again I hate admitting this - but it’s out of love for both my parents, my son and myself that I feel this way. Mom’s sick too, seriously sick - and I know she missed him and hated him being gone for an entire month - but I know that she too felt part of the relief I did during that time. The entire mood of the house shifts when he is here, and it’s just not healthy to anyone, when he could be a mile away - being taken better care of by professionals, getting better help, with us seeing him constantly…so that’s where I’m at with that.
Alright I’m not sure what this blog was even about, I veered off track a few times, and ranted a little, I know that much. Hopefully I at least made a little sense, and was able to catch everyone up a little on what’s up with me. I’ve gotton even more love from those that have been reading this, and it means so much to me. I’m not sure why so many find my ramblings interesting, or insightful, or whatever….but I am grateful to all of you that do read, and the ones that have responded with such encouragement, compliments, love, support and non judgement. You are the people that keep me writing, and let me know you care and get something out of reading….so again I’m so grateful.
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