Although it's impressive that this is my 100th post here in my blog, I said in the beginning that I would write every single day so it's lacking quite a bit from where it should be...ah well it didn't turn into the daily writing I was initially meaning for it to be but it's still my blog just the same and just so happens to be getting up there in post numbers.
It's Saturday night and Brian is watching cartoons in the room with me while I'm writing, just getting settled back in from being at his Dad's since Wednesday. I'm purely exhausted from staying up all but for an hour or two last night while spending time with a friend...I had also stayed with him on Wednesday and didn't sleep much then either so in the last three nights I'm running on very little sleep. So needless to say I'm counting the minutes until bedtime, it'll be an early one tonight for both the 5 year old and the 27 year old :-)
I had a really great couple nights away from home this week, much needed. Spending this time with my friend out of town on a regular basis has proven to re-instate some of my sanity that gets lost during the rest of the week while I'm here. Although I miss Brian soooo much while he's gone, it does give me the opportunity to have the time away and nights elsewhere so of course with as many con's and there are; there are also pro's.
It doesn't take me long to get stressed out and overwhelmed sitting here at home, so having a night set aside almost each week to go elsewhere and relax is truly a life saver...not to mention the fact that the friend I'm spending this time with is probably one of the only people in the world right now I can sit and be 100% comfortable being around, 100% comfortable being me, in all my 'broken', 'messed up', 'dysfunctional' glory. I actually think if we're being honest here, he's the ONLY person that's the case with at this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really close friends that know pretty much all there is to know about me...but the difference here is that this particular friend doesn't just know but can relate in so many more ways then anyone else. That's rare and I'm definitely not taking it for granted because I can't imagine not having him in my life right now.
So even though I have a headache from hell, feel like I'm going to fall asleep as I sit here and type, have zero patience and can't wait to go to bed - I have a little extra contentment that wasn't so much there before this week. I'm so relieved that I didn't waste any time, $, and effort in going to see Justin or as much as writing him a letter since our last little chat. I wish I had been a little more cruel during that last phone conversation, and really told him where to shove it - but it doesn't really matter one way or another, because I'm just happy that his little section of my life that's been open since we met is now officially and forever closed. I'm just so the kind of person that needs things to be spelled out right in front of their face to get it through my thick skull, and I'm glad that it was so I can rest assured that there wasn't some 'unopened door' that I'll wonder and regret not looking into. I did look into it, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to be a friend to him, I even left the possibility of more then friendship be in my head...I did my part to ensure that I wasn't missing an oportunity to gain happiness in my life, and that's all I can do - I'm glad I did...because again, if I hadn't I would have always wondered. I live off of 'what if's' and 'shoulda, woulda coulda's' and I hate regret so much that I do everything in my power to eliminate as many potential regrets as possible. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which leaves my heart capable of being bumped, banged and thrown around quite a bit - but it's who I am and I'd rather be like that then a bitter, untrusting person who never gives anything a shot.
I guess I just need to, in the present and future realize that things that are supposed to be really don't need as much effort as I tend to allow to be given. Things that are right, just are - people who are supposed to be in my life, just are - and the people with whom I find the most comfort being around are the people that I don't have to work at all to impress, change myself for, or force anything more then what is. I'm so exhausted I'm probably ranting much more in circles then normal and not making sense to anyone - so I'm going to cut this short. I'm just saying that in the last 72 hours I've been able to feel like me and haven't had any shame in feeling that way, it's a huge relief to have any hours like that, much less so many all in one period.
I run so many circles around people and things, put so much effort into making things more then they are, and can be so good at being what other's expect or want me to be - and it's so unnecessary. I have people in my life that i don't need to do those things with, I have people who don't want anything more from me then what I can easily offer, they just want me to be me...I waste so much time doing other wise and it's finally sinking in that it's really time that I should be elsewhere. A lot of people don't even have one person that they can show their true colors too, and I have a few...and even one of them who not only excepts my reality but can relate on an entirely different level then anyone else. That makes me lucky. Between those few amazing friends, that one even more amazing friend, my beautiful son, and family that loves me, I'm much better off then most and I don't need to keep searching for anything else at this point in time.
So tonight I'm going to sleep like a rock, a calm, comfortable, contented ROCK. I'm going to enjoy having my son home, happy, safe and secure with me. I'm going to look forward to getting away for a night again next week. And I'm going to do what I almost never find myself doing, and not project, not look for anything but what I have, and just be grateful. I have a big heart, which leads me to make stupid choices sometimes, and leads me to get hurt other times ---- but it's that same heart that some people genuinley love and appreciate and it's that same heart that leaves myself open to that...so I'm not complaining, tonight I'm ok taking the good with the bad. I'm content with who is in my life, and I'm ok with who is not. And I'm just getting off of a high that all stemmed from just laughing my ass off, being myself, being close with someone else, important conversations that needed to be had, relaxing and being ok in my own skin for a change. I can only hope that there is someone out there for everyone that they can feel such comfort with, whether it be a parent, sibling, friend, significant other, or whatever - because it really counts.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
A Complete 180'
Well I didn’t go back and look at the date on my last post but I know it was within this last week, and boy did things shift.
I had mentioned how I was feeling about a certain guy whom I had ‘seen’ for a little while last Spring, and who had re-entered my life just recently. Now that I know what I know, I’ll fill you all in on the FULL story and take it from there, I no longer care about hidden identities or worrying about the ‘other parties’ privacy…so it’ll make this much easier.
JUSTIN was the guy I met at outpatient last Spring and ended up dating for a little while, then after he dumped me ended up helping out when he got himself in trouble, and just recently allowed to twist me in knots just these last few weeks. Of course one of the first rules in the N/A or A/A program is not to get involved with anyone in the first year of sobriety, ESPECIALLY another addict….the rules at Conifer Park, which was our Outpatient were quite strict about dating within the client population…his Drug Court rules were against it… as was the ½ way house he was in when we first started hanging out. Right there, with all those reasons - I shouldn’t have spent any time with him out of the ‘rooms’ or outside the walls of OP, but of course I didn’t. Even more reason for me to have stayed away from him from the start was that I was in groups with him and did know certain things about his history with women and also knew that around this certain time he was also ‘leading on’ a fellow client within our little ‘incestuous drug addicted group of people.’ But as the story goes, I was lonely, he was there; showing me all this attention, saying all the perfect things, he’s very attractive, and I took the role of the pathetic, recently separated woman and proceeded. The first time we hung out we just went to Crandall Park, walked around, sat at the playground and talked - at the end of this night he kissed me ever so perfectly, and we said goodbye. The second time we hung out I was very open with him, very blunt, and told him that I was going through a significantly rough time and didn’t have room in my life for anything else that might hurt me…he of course assured me that he would never be ‘that guy’ and that he was oh so worried that I would be the one to end up hurting him. Skipping ahead, there were weekend visits at my house with my son and my mom (dad was in the hospital and then the nursing home this whole time) there were trips to his hometown to meet his mom and sister, plenty of meetings we rode and went together at, bowling dates, all that good stuff. I was 100% smitten for him, the butterflies that every girl cherishes were in my stomach big time whenever we saw each other or even spoke on the phone. He got me a dozen roses one weekend, a mother’s day card from him and another for Brian to give me, e-mails, phone calls, etc. It was going very much like any ‘normal’ relationship begins, perfect. Of course we had to be very discreet and not really speak to each other when at meetings or at outpatient, but that was very temporary because I was about to graduate Conifer Park, which took away any legal reasons we shouldn’t be together. Plus he was about to move out of the ½ way house and into ‘supportive’ living, which is like a shared apartment with very few rules that a few recovering addicts share and live in together. So during those first few weeks we were just counting down the days until we could really be open and not have to worry about getting caught together. The ONLY time I lied to my Counselor at Conifer was about Justin and I’s relationship - and after I graduated and after he was no longer a client, I went to visit Curtis and one of the first things I told him was about the relationship because I hated lying to him so much about anything. Ok I’m starting to get sidetracked here, back to the basics. A week after he moved into Supportive he dumped my ass, saying he just was so overwhelmed with the move, his new job, yadda yadda yadda. In reality I’ve since learned that his ex picked up the phone probably bored one night and called him, and pretty much that’s all it took. Plus I’m almost certain he was hooking up with another girl @ Conifer at the end also, but I’m not 100% so whatever. Since we had only been ‘seeing each other’ for a little over a month I wasn’t devastated, crushed, completely heart broken….but yeah I was sad and disappointed that we weren’t about to have the summer we had planned on, but I was ok. I gave myself 1 night to feel shitty about it, allowed myself to get a few tears out, whatever, but other then that I really didn’t dwell on it and allow myself to turn it into more then it was - which I do have a tendency of doing, again it was only a 6 week relationship, how crushed could I really allow myself to be?
On my 1 year anniversary of being clean, I was a mess. Instead of being excited, happy, proud, whatever I thought I would feel - I was guilt ridden, sad, hurt, disappointed, lonely, etc. Instead of looking at how far I had come I focused on how far I still had left to go, on my failed marriage, on every detail of exactly what happened on that day 1 year earlier. So I did what any recovering addict is supposed to do when they are feeling like that, and dragged my ass to a meeting, Brian was @ Jim’s for the night anyhow. I went to the MTG, received my 1 year N/A key tag from a friend, and then went to hang out with some of my friends in the program. Many of them live in an apartment complex so when you visit 1 you get to see many, which I liked. After having a great, home cooked meal by such friends, and after some great conversation I decided to call Justin - a phone call I really so wish I had never made. I mentioned that I was all melancholy and he casually invited me over after he got out of work to watch a movie and stay at his place, which again was against the rules of such place, but of course I did. I went to my Sponsors apartment (which was in the same complex,) and told her where I was going, her and my other friend were very much against it, but knew I was going to do what I was going to do and they were pretty much preaching to deaf ears. Of course I went, we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, talked, hooked up, etc. He of course did what he does and said ALL the right things to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world at that moment who was cared about like he cared about me…he was just a tortured, misunderstood guy who couldn’t catch a break, and who had been hurt so many times that he learned to leave girls before they could leave him (his words) blah blah….like I said he really was good at knowing just what buttons to play off of and what things to say to hit straight home. I snuck out of his room at 6AM that next morning, knowing I was a fool, but hoping for the best and came home.
2 days afterwards I get a phone call from Justin telling me that he was gone. He told me that he had slipped up and had a few beers the night earlier and the next morning his Drug Court had called him in for a drug and alcohol test - the alcohol one could detect traces for up to 3 days. According to him he panicked and just packed up a friends truck and ran. He had screwed up before on Drug Court so either way he knew this time he wasn’t getting a warning, he was going to prison….so in his mind set he figured he mine as well run and try to enjoy as much time as he could before they caught up with him. After all running wouldn’t add time to his 1-3 sentence anyhow, so why not try and get some summer fun out before getting locked up? I was SOOOOOO upset when he called and told me this. More so then when he dumped me, more so then any other thing that had occurred with us, I was devastated that he had done that - that now he would be facing prison, and selfishly - now he’d be definitely out of my life. I was so worried about him, he sounded so scared on the phone, so disappointed in himself. He told me where he was and of course, me being me, I went. He was staying at a family members house in Johnstown, which is about 75 miles from here, I actually knew the trip pretty well because I had to go the same way I used to when I’d visit Matt out in Amsterdam all those years ago. *Matt was my first real boyfriend, my first real love, my first - for those who don’t know who he is*
I probably am explaining more then I need too, BUT I really feel like it all adds up to why recently I got all entangled again. So while he was out on ‘the lamb’ I went back and fourth to see him a few times, of course helping him out with cigarettes and a little cash here and there - all of a sudden I was one of the only people he had so I was a needed asset at the time. I had blogged about this whole situation, I’m not sure how much I said, because I was always vague about it. On 1 of these little trips I was planning on spending the night and going out to the bar with him. Yeah in all these blogs I haven’t mentioned that once in awhile I was having a drink or two - which in N/A’s mind meant that I was no longer clean. We’ll hit on that stuff at another time, but yes on occasion I have a few drinks, but in no way do I feel threatened by that, or like it will lead me to go find myself some heroin. So I drove all the way out there, he had made this nice little dinner for us, we ate, then we went out. He knew tons of people there, he had spent time growing up in Johnstown so for him it was like going home, for me I was in a complete foreign environment. VERY LONG story short, I spent my money on buying us drinks and since I don’t drink often it really didn’t take me much to get pretty buzzed….this night is a perfect example of why I always hated alcohol compared to any other drug, because it really takes control away when it comes to certain things, like driving. After I was to the point where there was no way I would have driven all the way back home to North Creek, he chose to go off with some friends. We got into a big argument, I begged him to at least walk me back to his dad’s because I barely knew how to get there, plus I didn’t want to walk alone anywhere, drunk at 2 AM. He pretty much said ‘fuck you’ I am leaving, you do what you want….so in between crying and freaking out, I calmed myself down enough to safely drive my way back to his father’s house where I slept it off long enough until I was safe to come home. I was so upset that he cared so little about my safety, couldn’t believe he put me in that kind of situation, couldn’t fathom after all I had done for him and after all the things he knew about me that he would ditch me like a piece of trash the second something more interesting came up. I swore I would never speak to him again.
Of course within a couple days of that night he called, sooo apologetic, sooo convincing. I accepted his apology and told him that we were ‘fine’ and that I still wanted him to check in with me from time to time so I knew he was ok. He called every now and then, I even went back out to Johnstown one last night and watched a couple movies with him…what’s that saying ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? If I hadn’t been a complete idiot before, the fact that I even picked up the phone for him after that night at the bar made me a complete fool now. Eventually he ended up getting kicked out of his Dad’s home, had no place to go, so he moved himself in with an ex girlfriend…whom he had referred to before as his ‘fat girl with a credit card.’ Now I feel nothing but sympathy for this girl. While he was staying with her of course they got into a huge fight, and she called the cops and got him turned in. This was in early August.
Skip ahead until a few weeks ago when I decided to look Justin up in the NY state prison registry and see where he was and when he was getting out, curious I suppose. I ended up writing him a really short note just telling him that I hoped he was ok and that I was thinking about him and really praying that things for him turn out well. I said that I knew he wasn’t a monster, he was just a young guy who’s screwed up a few too many times and who I knew probably needed a FRIEND. A few nights later I got a phone call from Adirondack Correctional Facility, obviously it was him. We talked for about ½ hour where he told me how sorry he was, how wrong he was, how much he missed me, how many times he had written me but didn’t have the courage to send it, how he would never forgive himself for letting me get away, blah blah blah.
That apparently was all it took for me to turn from a reasonably stupid woman into a completely ridiculously idiotic little girl. The letters were pouring in and out of my mail box…I had arranged a trip out to Saranac Lake to go visit him, we had spoken on the phone twice more. His letters were really amazing, I’m not taking credit away from how stupid I was - I take full responsibility BUT at the same time he really truly is one of the best con artists I’ve ever encountered to be honest. He was talking about how much this whole situation had opened his eyes to the things he really wanted, like a family, stability. He told me that the ‘ex’ and him were still indeed writing and that she was taking care of him and sending him food, money, cig’s, but that he wasn’t at all in love with her, he admitted that he was using her because he couldn’t imagine having to do this time without anyone in his corner. He told me that he was in love with me. He then started wanting to make long term plans for the two of us. He spoke about how much he liked and cared about Brian. Again I admit stupidity here but again he just really knew what to say to get to me. I sent him a care package of course, with all those things that he needed - and I was writing him a letter a day, just so he’d get all that mail. He was writing just as much. Tomorrow, this coming Saturday I had a whole trip arranged with friends and everything to go out and visit him, my friend was going to do some hiking while I was visiting.
I didn’t mention that last Monday he had a Parole hearing to determine whether or not he’d be there until December 15th of this year, or of next year. The chances of him making Parole and getting out so soon were VERY SLIM, I was 99% sure he wouldn’t be released, as was he, which now makes all the sense in the world. So last night after I had the final touches finished up for the trip tomorrow I got another call from him. Before I gave him a chance to speak I told him that I’d be coming Sat, that it was definite, how excited I was, etc. Then he told me he had made Parole! Of course my first reaction was shock, but then I was so excited - he was actually going to be home in about a month, compared to a year! We could really give this a shot, not from writing letters while he sat in prison, but we could really see if us could work. By the way - he was in Prison for taking his dad’s motorcycle one night without permission and getting into an accident, his dad pressed charges, this occurred when he was 20 years old, and he was in Drug Court for years trying to avoid this prison time…so it’s not like he was in for any horrific crime.
After I went on and on about how excited I was, his voice got all low and serious. He then told me that he needed a place to parole to or else he wouldn’t be allowed to leave…and of course he put down his ex’s address when he went in front of the parole board, which I didn’t know - which of course he hadn’t told me. So now, he’s moving in with her and ENGAGED! I now can see it all for what it was. I opened the door by writing him that first letter - allowed him to do this. He thought for sure that he was going to be there for an entire year, he never thought he’d make Parole this time around. So why not find himself a ‘fake girlfriend’ who will send him $ or care packages, who will write him lots of letters, who will even drive to visit him once or twice a month? Of course all those things would have made that year go by a little easier for him, right? So he said all those things and wrote all those perfect letters just to ensure that he’d have not 1 but 2 people taking care of him and helping him through such a difficult experience. It’s actually pretty smart thinking on his part.
I’m not heartbroken this time around either, not devastated, not unreasonably hurt…I am so sincerely disjointed in myself and so disgusted with how stupid I was more so then any thing else. I just can’t believe I allowed myself to buy such obvious bull shit, just because that’s what I wanted to hear.
I’m running late now because I rambled so much for a Dr’s appointment - but to sum it up…now the whole story it out there, no more being vague about it. I’m relieved that he is getting out so soon because I didn’t spend a year having someone screw with my head for cig’s and visits, this way it was only a couple lousy weeks. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice - I’m a little thick, fool me three times then I’m a huge idiot and I vow never again. Have a great weekend all!
I had mentioned how I was feeling about a certain guy whom I had ‘seen’ for a little while last Spring, and who had re-entered my life just recently. Now that I know what I know, I’ll fill you all in on the FULL story and take it from there, I no longer care about hidden identities or worrying about the ‘other parties’ privacy…so it’ll make this much easier.
JUSTIN was the guy I met at outpatient last Spring and ended up dating for a little while, then after he dumped me ended up helping out when he got himself in trouble, and just recently allowed to twist me in knots just these last few weeks. Of course one of the first rules in the N/A or A/A program is not to get involved with anyone in the first year of sobriety, ESPECIALLY another addict….the rules at Conifer Park, which was our Outpatient were quite strict about dating within the client population…his Drug Court rules were against it… as was the ½ way house he was in when we first started hanging out. Right there, with all those reasons - I shouldn’t have spent any time with him out of the ‘rooms’ or outside the walls of OP, but of course I didn’t. Even more reason for me to have stayed away from him from the start was that I was in groups with him and did know certain things about his history with women and also knew that around this certain time he was also ‘leading on’ a fellow client within our little ‘incestuous drug addicted group of people.’ But as the story goes, I was lonely, he was there; showing me all this attention, saying all the perfect things, he’s very attractive, and I took the role of the pathetic, recently separated woman and proceeded. The first time we hung out we just went to Crandall Park, walked around, sat at the playground and talked - at the end of this night he kissed me ever so perfectly, and we said goodbye. The second time we hung out I was very open with him, very blunt, and told him that I was going through a significantly rough time and didn’t have room in my life for anything else that might hurt me…he of course assured me that he would never be ‘that guy’ and that he was oh so worried that I would be the one to end up hurting him. Skipping ahead, there were weekend visits at my house with my son and my mom (dad was in the hospital and then the nursing home this whole time) there were trips to his hometown to meet his mom and sister, plenty of meetings we rode and went together at, bowling dates, all that good stuff. I was 100% smitten for him, the butterflies that every girl cherishes were in my stomach big time whenever we saw each other or even spoke on the phone. He got me a dozen roses one weekend, a mother’s day card from him and another for Brian to give me, e-mails, phone calls, etc. It was going very much like any ‘normal’ relationship begins, perfect. Of course we had to be very discreet and not really speak to each other when at meetings or at outpatient, but that was very temporary because I was about to graduate Conifer Park, which took away any legal reasons we shouldn’t be together. Plus he was about to move out of the ½ way house and into ‘supportive’ living, which is like a shared apartment with very few rules that a few recovering addicts share and live in together. So during those first few weeks we were just counting down the days until we could really be open and not have to worry about getting caught together. The ONLY time I lied to my Counselor at Conifer was about Justin and I’s relationship - and after I graduated and after he was no longer a client, I went to visit Curtis and one of the first things I told him was about the relationship because I hated lying to him so much about anything. Ok I’m starting to get sidetracked here, back to the basics. A week after he moved into Supportive he dumped my ass, saying he just was so overwhelmed with the move, his new job, yadda yadda yadda. In reality I’ve since learned that his ex picked up the phone probably bored one night and called him, and pretty much that’s all it took. Plus I’m almost certain he was hooking up with another girl @ Conifer at the end also, but I’m not 100% so whatever. Since we had only been ‘seeing each other’ for a little over a month I wasn’t devastated, crushed, completely heart broken….but yeah I was sad and disappointed that we weren’t about to have the summer we had planned on, but I was ok. I gave myself 1 night to feel shitty about it, allowed myself to get a few tears out, whatever, but other then that I really didn’t dwell on it and allow myself to turn it into more then it was - which I do have a tendency of doing, again it was only a 6 week relationship, how crushed could I really allow myself to be?
On my 1 year anniversary of being clean, I was a mess. Instead of being excited, happy, proud, whatever I thought I would feel - I was guilt ridden, sad, hurt, disappointed, lonely, etc. Instead of looking at how far I had come I focused on how far I still had left to go, on my failed marriage, on every detail of exactly what happened on that day 1 year earlier. So I did what any recovering addict is supposed to do when they are feeling like that, and dragged my ass to a meeting, Brian was @ Jim’s for the night anyhow. I went to the MTG, received my 1 year N/A key tag from a friend, and then went to hang out with some of my friends in the program. Many of them live in an apartment complex so when you visit 1 you get to see many, which I liked. After having a great, home cooked meal by such friends, and after some great conversation I decided to call Justin - a phone call I really so wish I had never made. I mentioned that I was all melancholy and he casually invited me over after he got out of work to watch a movie and stay at his place, which again was against the rules of such place, but of course I did. I went to my Sponsors apartment (which was in the same complex,) and told her where I was going, her and my other friend were very much against it, but knew I was going to do what I was going to do and they were pretty much preaching to deaf ears. Of course I went, we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, talked, hooked up, etc. He of course did what he does and said ALL the right things to make me feel like I was the only woman in the world at that moment who was cared about like he cared about me…he was just a tortured, misunderstood guy who couldn’t catch a break, and who had been hurt so many times that he learned to leave girls before they could leave him (his words) blah blah….like I said he really was good at knowing just what buttons to play off of and what things to say to hit straight home. I snuck out of his room at 6AM that next morning, knowing I was a fool, but hoping for the best and came home.
2 days afterwards I get a phone call from Justin telling me that he was gone. He told me that he had slipped up and had a few beers the night earlier and the next morning his Drug Court had called him in for a drug and alcohol test - the alcohol one could detect traces for up to 3 days. According to him he panicked and just packed up a friends truck and ran. He had screwed up before on Drug Court so either way he knew this time he wasn’t getting a warning, he was going to prison….so in his mind set he figured he mine as well run and try to enjoy as much time as he could before they caught up with him. After all running wouldn’t add time to his 1-3 sentence anyhow, so why not try and get some summer fun out before getting locked up? I was SOOOOOO upset when he called and told me this. More so then when he dumped me, more so then any other thing that had occurred with us, I was devastated that he had done that - that now he would be facing prison, and selfishly - now he’d be definitely out of my life. I was so worried about him, he sounded so scared on the phone, so disappointed in himself. He told me where he was and of course, me being me, I went. He was staying at a family members house in Johnstown, which is about 75 miles from here, I actually knew the trip pretty well because I had to go the same way I used to when I’d visit Matt out in Amsterdam all those years ago. *Matt was my first real boyfriend, my first real love, my first - for those who don’t know who he is*
I probably am explaining more then I need too, BUT I really feel like it all adds up to why recently I got all entangled again. So while he was out on ‘the lamb’ I went back and fourth to see him a few times, of course helping him out with cigarettes and a little cash here and there - all of a sudden I was one of the only people he had so I was a needed asset at the time. I had blogged about this whole situation, I’m not sure how much I said, because I was always vague about it. On 1 of these little trips I was planning on spending the night and going out to the bar with him. Yeah in all these blogs I haven’t mentioned that once in awhile I was having a drink or two - which in N/A’s mind meant that I was no longer clean. We’ll hit on that stuff at another time, but yes on occasion I have a few drinks, but in no way do I feel threatened by that, or like it will lead me to go find myself some heroin. So I drove all the way out there, he had made this nice little dinner for us, we ate, then we went out. He knew tons of people there, he had spent time growing up in Johnstown so for him it was like going home, for me I was in a complete foreign environment. VERY LONG story short, I spent my money on buying us drinks and since I don’t drink often it really didn’t take me much to get pretty buzzed….this night is a perfect example of why I always hated alcohol compared to any other drug, because it really takes control away when it comes to certain things, like driving. After I was to the point where there was no way I would have driven all the way back home to North Creek, he chose to go off with some friends. We got into a big argument, I begged him to at least walk me back to his dad’s because I barely knew how to get there, plus I didn’t want to walk alone anywhere, drunk at 2 AM. He pretty much said ‘fuck you’ I am leaving, you do what you want….so in between crying and freaking out, I calmed myself down enough to safely drive my way back to his father’s house where I slept it off long enough until I was safe to come home. I was so upset that he cared so little about my safety, couldn’t believe he put me in that kind of situation, couldn’t fathom after all I had done for him and after all the things he knew about me that he would ditch me like a piece of trash the second something more interesting came up. I swore I would never speak to him again.
Of course within a couple days of that night he called, sooo apologetic, sooo convincing. I accepted his apology and told him that we were ‘fine’ and that I still wanted him to check in with me from time to time so I knew he was ok. He called every now and then, I even went back out to Johnstown one last night and watched a couple movies with him…what’s that saying ‘fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? If I hadn’t been a complete idiot before, the fact that I even picked up the phone for him after that night at the bar made me a complete fool now. Eventually he ended up getting kicked out of his Dad’s home, had no place to go, so he moved himself in with an ex girlfriend…whom he had referred to before as his ‘fat girl with a credit card.’ Now I feel nothing but sympathy for this girl. While he was staying with her of course they got into a huge fight, and she called the cops and got him turned in. This was in early August.
Skip ahead until a few weeks ago when I decided to look Justin up in the NY state prison registry and see where he was and when he was getting out, curious I suppose. I ended up writing him a really short note just telling him that I hoped he was ok and that I was thinking about him and really praying that things for him turn out well. I said that I knew he wasn’t a monster, he was just a young guy who’s screwed up a few too many times and who I knew probably needed a FRIEND. A few nights later I got a phone call from Adirondack Correctional Facility, obviously it was him. We talked for about ½ hour where he told me how sorry he was, how wrong he was, how much he missed me, how many times he had written me but didn’t have the courage to send it, how he would never forgive himself for letting me get away, blah blah blah.
That apparently was all it took for me to turn from a reasonably stupid woman into a completely ridiculously idiotic little girl. The letters were pouring in and out of my mail box…I had arranged a trip out to Saranac Lake to go visit him, we had spoken on the phone twice more. His letters were really amazing, I’m not taking credit away from how stupid I was - I take full responsibility BUT at the same time he really truly is one of the best con artists I’ve ever encountered to be honest. He was talking about how much this whole situation had opened his eyes to the things he really wanted, like a family, stability. He told me that the ‘ex’ and him were still indeed writing and that she was taking care of him and sending him food, money, cig’s, but that he wasn’t at all in love with her, he admitted that he was using her because he couldn’t imagine having to do this time without anyone in his corner. He told me that he was in love with me. He then started wanting to make long term plans for the two of us. He spoke about how much he liked and cared about Brian. Again I admit stupidity here but again he just really knew what to say to get to me. I sent him a care package of course, with all those things that he needed - and I was writing him a letter a day, just so he’d get all that mail. He was writing just as much. Tomorrow, this coming Saturday I had a whole trip arranged with friends and everything to go out and visit him, my friend was going to do some hiking while I was visiting.
I didn’t mention that last Monday he had a Parole hearing to determine whether or not he’d be there until December 15th of this year, or of next year. The chances of him making Parole and getting out so soon were VERY SLIM, I was 99% sure he wouldn’t be released, as was he, which now makes all the sense in the world. So last night after I had the final touches finished up for the trip tomorrow I got another call from him. Before I gave him a chance to speak I told him that I’d be coming Sat, that it was definite, how excited I was, etc. Then he told me he had made Parole! Of course my first reaction was shock, but then I was so excited - he was actually going to be home in about a month, compared to a year! We could really give this a shot, not from writing letters while he sat in prison, but we could really see if us could work. By the way - he was in Prison for taking his dad’s motorcycle one night without permission and getting into an accident, his dad pressed charges, this occurred when he was 20 years old, and he was in Drug Court for years trying to avoid this prison time…so it’s not like he was in for any horrific crime.
After I went on and on about how excited I was, his voice got all low and serious. He then told me that he needed a place to parole to or else he wouldn’t be allowed to leave…and of course he put down his ex’s address when he went in front of the parole board, which I didn’t know - which of course he hadn’t told me. So now, he’s moving in with her and ENGAGED! I now can see it all for what it was. I opened the door by writing him that first letter - allowed him to do this. He thought for sure that he was going to be there for an entire year, he never thought he’d make Parole this time around. So why not find himself a ‘fake girlfriend’ who will send him $ or care packages, who will write him lots of letters, who will even drive to visit him once or twice a month? Of course all those things would have made that year go by a little easier for him, right? So he said all those things and wrote all those perfect letters just to ensure that he’d have not 1 but 2 people taking care of him and helping him through such a difficult experience. It’s actually pretty smart thinking on his part.
I’m not heartbroken this time around either, not devastated, not unreasonably hurt…I am so sincerely disjointed in myself and so disgusted with how stupid I was more so then any thing else. I just can’t believe I allowed myself to buy such obvious bull shit, just because that’s what I wanted to hear.
I’m running late now because I rambled so much for a Dr’s appointment - but to sum it up…now the whole story it out there, no more being vague about it. I’m relieved that he is getting out so soon because I didn’t spend a year having someone screw with my head for cig’s and visits, this way it was only a couple lousy weeks. So fool me once shame on you, fool me twice - I’m a little thick, fool me three times then I’m a huge idiot and I vow never again. Have a great weekend all!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Mike
I can't believe I left out a pretty big thing that happened last week. While Jim was at Brian’s I got a phone call from Jim at 7AM, right away I knew something much be wrong which is exactly what I asked as soon as I answered the phone. Backtrack here - Jim moved to Brant Lake when he was 16, I think. Right away he made friends with a guy named Mike. Their friendship grew and grew, until Mike became like family - even lived with Jim and his dad for a little while. When Jim's Dad passed away, it was Mike and his family who helped figure out arrangements and gave Jim a home if he needed it. Later Mike dated a girl who's best friend was the girl Jim dated in HS. Mike and I met when Jim and I first moved into LG...Mike and I would spend hours on the couch plotting and planning trying to figure out how to get Jim and I officially together,lol. He ended up even living with us for a few months in that house, and was very consistently involved in our lives throughout our time together. I saw Mike the very first day I was back from rehab, he knew what had happened, still he gave me a big hug and told me it was great to see me. Unfortunately that was the last time Mike and I hugged and the last time he was truly happy to see me....when Jim and I split he was a good friend to Jim and cut ties with me for the most part, other then quick hello's in passing. I don't think Mike liked me very much in this last year or so, which I can understand, my best friend isn't Jim's biggest fan that is for sure. Well back to the phone call I was talking about - Jim very calmly told me he had some bad news and that Mike had killed himself. Mike had 5 children - 2 with his high school sweetheart who at a time was 1 of my closest friends - and 3 with his ex wife who he recently divorced. Out of everyone in Jim's life, other then his family and possibly now Becky, this is probably the worst person he could have lost. Jim was very respectful to me and to the fact that Mike and I at one time were close, told me all the details about the wake and funeral, called a few times to check in....I don't think any of it had hit him yet and he was just running on physical motions. I didn't go to the funeral or wake for a few reasons, 1 to give Jim respect and allow him to grieve his brother-like friend without having to deal with his ex who he can't stand, 2 I hadn't always gotten along with Mikes mom and with the hell she was experiencing I didn't want to add any extra anything on her, and 3 I was a little chicken and couldn't force myself to go. I used numbers 1 and 2 and my reasons but it boiled down to the fact that I am sick of funerals and I don't want to have to go to anymore then I already have had to go to. I just feel so awful about what happened, that he felt so hopeless that he ended his own life, which by the way is how he passed away. I feel so sad that his youngest children won't remember him and that his 2 oldest have to go through missing and grieving him and live a life without their dad. I really cared about Mike and it's just a very sad situation. And all the bull shit aside I really feel for Jim - like I said they were like brothers, Jim was family to Mike, his brother, their mother, etc. It was hard knowing that it wasn't my place anymore to be there for him, that he didn't want me by his side...but I left him alone and stayed away which I know is what he wanted. But I was just thinking about Mike after posting my last post and realized I never once mentioned it, not sure why. So I also am enclosing 2 pic's of Jim's best friend, a very good friend of mine, a son, father, brother, friend, a 29 yr old man who ended his life before it had the chance to improve, I PRAY THAT HE IS NOW AT LEAST IN PEACE.
For some reason it won't allow me to add pictures right now, but I will try again later - I wanted to post some other's anyhow.
For some reason it won't allow me to add pictures right now, but I will try again later - I wanted to post some other's anyhow.
Another day, another post
Well it’s, as ‘they’ call it, Hump Day. I personally used to love Wednesday’s, because it of course always meant that weekends were right around the corner, now not so much. I bitch and whine constantly about how much I miss Brian while he’s at Jim’s, and today will be no exception I assure you. I walked Bri to school about an hour ago and after school he get’s on the bug and heads to his Dad’s. I know it’s good for him, to spend as much time as possible with his father. He’s grown extremely close to his 10 year old, kinda of sort of step brother. And he’s adjusting well, for the most part…of course it has proven to take me much longer then him to make such an adjustment, I can’t seem to get used to him being gone so much. Yet, before I know it, he will be back home and the cycle continues.
Anyhow what else to write about??? Ugh I hate the part of this blog where I said I’d always be 100% honest, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, lol. I will be as vague as possible just to keep the other parties information confidential, not everyone is as hunky dory with all their shit being spread over the internet as I seem to be. But the guy I dated last spring and I have been communicating a lot lately. I haven’t set eyes on him yet, but lots of letters and a few phone calls. Out of anyone I’ve met or ‘seen’ in this last year he truly is the only one that sincerely gave me those ‘butterflies’ ya know Ladies, the ones we are eternally seeking? I care so much for him yet don’t trust him, which is such a hard thing to say out loud because it’s hard to feel the way I do knowing that such a key ingredient, such as trust isn’t there. He say’s all the perfect things, writes me all the sweetest letters, but I can’t help but ask myself if he’s just really that good of a con artist, I really want to believe he isn’t. It’s just been a long time that someone has spoken to me like they could envision spending their lives with me, or that they have strong feelings for me. I just sooooo want him to really mean what he’s been telling me, and I would love for us to really give it a shot, but of course there are complications, because it wouldn’t be me obviously if there weren’t. I’m willing to work with such complications though because although I’m scared of being hurt, I’m more scared of wondering if I missed out on something that could have been really amazing. I want a real relationship, I’m over the being single thing.
In this last year I’ve had a couple ’Friends with benefits’ we shall call it. Not many, but enough to know that I am not comfortable with and quite dislike that kind of relationship a lot. I’m incapable of keeping feelings at bay if they exist, and if they don’t then I shut down and I’m not interested anyhow. It’s pretty rare to find myself caught somewhere in between, but that too has also happened fairly recently. I’m not desperate to find someone right this second, not at all. I’m actually very proud of myself for being as OK with being single as I am. I just know what I prefer and what I don’t, and my preference is most definitely not that of a single life-style. I want all those night’s snuggled on the couch watching TV, I want dinners together, I want a home with someone I love who loves me just as much, I want someone who I can trust enough to know that he won’t hurt Brian in any way (even if we don’t work out.) I don’t want one night stands or seeing someone once or twice a month, watch a movie and …you know. So at this point I’m cautiously, ok very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about this situation and hopeful, all while trying to keep a sound mind and realistic attitude.
On a different note.
It’s so funny how things can change so dramatically in such short periods of time. For instance, when Jim and Becky first got together I would have done any and everything short of flying to the moon to break them up. I wanted him as lonely as I was, and I didn’t want her to have someone that for so long belonged to me. Now I worry about their relationship at times and pray that they do stay together. Brian has grown so attached to her son, and he does genuinely like her from what I’ve seen and heard. He has finally become completely comfortable spending 3 nights at a time away from me and home. Now if they do break up, which I mean chances are they will….(it’s hard to imagine the first person you take on a date after a substantionally long history with your wife will be the person you are with until you die.) Of course there is always a chance that once we are officially divorced that they will get married, possibly have children, all that crap…which I can’t believe I’ve gotten to a point where that is what I hope for. I very much wish things between Jim and I were different, very very different, but they are what they are. I’d change a dozen or so things about how we interact with one another, the current custody agreement, how he treats me, etc…but as far as my son is concerned I just want stability for him. It’s right up there on the top of the list of things any mom wants for their child, happiness, health, love, intelligence, stability, security, confidence, I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s just that in the 5 years Brian’s been alive he’s lived in 6, yes 6!!! Places! That’s ridiculous, it’s disgusting, it’s horrible. I never moved when I was a kid, one home, one school, one set of parents, and look how screwed up I turned out regardless of that stability. Of course my life was lacking that ingredient in other area’s, but in many my life was indeed stable. Brian’s has not been. Speaking of this….Jim and I got into a little conversation the other day that lasted almost an hour over the phone. It seems like most of his issues with me and what I do with Brian boils down to the fact that he hates where we live. He hates that I have Brian here where my dad and mom are both sick. Some part of me completely understands that. I need to learn where to draw the line though on how much impact his words have on me…because after that conversation I got right online and messaged my friend Steve (lol your in my blog Steve-O) Ok I met Steve before I met Jim, he dated my best friend years and YEARS ago…but come to find out Steve was one of Jim’s best friends and when Jim and I got together Steve was in our lives quite a bit. He’s been in the military for 8 years I think it will be soon, so he comes and goes all the time but he’s been consistently in my life for a long while. He comes home from Iraq, thank God, next month. Well I messaged him almost frantically and by the end of our conversation he was considering and really thinking about getting a big apartment with me and Brian, splitting the rent, blah blah blah. I was so excited that he would even agree to think about it, which he actually did more so and told me to start looking for places, I was psyched. So I started looking in the paper, and asking around and all of a sudden the other night it dawned on me to ask myself ‘why are you really moving out??” (side note : this is after I told Jim I was planning on moving in with one of his closest friends just to throw it in his face, he was furious, I loved it obviously.) When I asked myself why, it occurred to me that the main reason I was doing it was to prove something to Jim, to show him that I am capable, to look better if we went back to court. Not because I am miserable here, which of course sometimes I am, not because I know I’m ready financially, not because it would be the BEST thing possible for Brian, not because it’s what I truly want, but mainly because of Jim. Why in the world would I do something as drastic as moving out of my home with my son based on anything that has to do with my Ex?????? When I finally move out of here I want it to be after I have my own vehicle, after I have a second job so I will always know that I can make rent(or a different job of course), if either of my parents get ill to the point that it would be horribly hard and scary for Brian to live here. Steve is a real friend to me, he always has been…I mean the kind of friend that people hope to get, someone I know I can always trust and who will always try to lend a helping hand if he’s capable. How unfair would it be of me to even have asked him in the first place? Yes he would have less bills then if he lived alone, but other then that the rest of it would all be to benefit me. He doesn’t want to live in the JCS school district, but he would have, he doesn’t want to really live with a single mom and her 5 year old(although he really does love Brian), but he would have, he doesn’t want to have to drive 45 miles every day to school, but he would have. The job I have is awesome, the people I work for are amazing employers and such good people, I make decent money…BUT it’s a waitressing job with no chance of moving up any ladder, it’s very seasonal and it’s not 40 hours/week. Some months I might bring home $1500 some months I might bring home $200 - does that sound like an income steady enough to where I could promise with no doubts that Steve wouldn’t end up having to cover my ass month after month? Although my living situation isn’t the ‘norm’ and isn’t ideal most of the time, it has it’s perks….Brian has 3 adults here that love him to death, he has his own bedroom, a dog, he has the only place in his life that has been there from the beginning, and he has security, stability as well as happiness here. I don’t sit alone on my couch 3 nights a week when he’s not here, I pay some bills here but definitely not as many as if I lived anywhere else, and I also get to help my parents out being here. It really isn’t all bad. After realizing this I slept on it, thought some more, then ended up telling Steve yesterday that it just wasn’t a good idea just yet, that I wasn’t ready to move next month, and that I also thought it was unfair of me to ask him in the first place. With friends like that you have to be careful what you ask of them because they will always try and help you. Phew I’m rambling, sorry. Point is that I no longer should allow my actions, my life to be directed by Jim. I know that I’m working, that I’m a good mother, I know that I offer so much to my son and for my son. I know I’m doing a hell of a lot better now then at other periods of time, and I know that I’m close to being out of here, but just not close enough to push it. And NO judge would take my child and/or any of my time with him away from me because I live here. Just because Brian has been and is exposed to sickness doesn’t make it an unacceptable living environment. If anything he will grow up appreciating things more, he will be a more compassionate person in the long run, and he will have plenty of great memory’s of my parents when they eventually do pass away….I’m the grown up, and I exclude him from 99% of hospital visits, Dr appointments, etc - I know what’s appropriate for him to be exposed to and what is not. Jim makes it sound like Brian is living in a home where there is nothing but sickness and fear and misery - not the case. My parents both still are more then capable of playing with, watching, spending time with, LOVING and caring for Brian. If you put them both together it makes one completely healthy grandparent, and they are always together so it works out ok. Of course I want to have my own place, but like I said, I don’t want Brian to have to move around 10 more times before he is 18 - the next time I move I want to believe it’s for good…whether it’s by myself or with someone else.
One last quick thing to hit on and then I’ll sign off before this becomes any more ridiculously long then it already is,lol. Brian got a gift certificate on Halloween for a free game for 4 people bowling. He also got a gift certificate for being such a good little reader for a free pizza @ Pizza Hut…so Sunday we planned on going and having a nice little day together. As much as I enjoy spending time with Brian, whenever it’s an activity like that, and includes the drive to GF, I would rather include a friend to have another grown up to chat with and such. So after a little badgering I got a really old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spent real time with in years to come along and bring her 2 year old son. She and I used to be very close when we were younger, and like most friendships we ended up growing apart little by little in the long run. Well since this was the first time we had really hung out in so long there was quite a bit to catch up with in each other’s lives. Of course my “situation” came up like it always does and of course she also had heard the worst of the worst of the stories that flew around town after everything happened. She, along with most other people, had heard that Westie and I were found with needles hanging out of our arms, passed out for hours and hours with Brian screaming in the back seat. As I’ve said in previous posts, the reality of what happened is horrific enough, it’s so hard to understand why people made it even worse when telling the story to other’s. I don’t know where it came from, who told the original first version of that story, or whatever, and I really don’t care. I just have to keep it in my mind, and remember that so when I do see people I haven’t since that awful day I remember to at some point tell them what really happened from start to end. I don’t need to spend hours talking about everything involved, just the basics to at least let the true story be heard since the gossip one definitely has been. Small town shit ;-) But we had a really nice time, I did anyhow, and I’d love to start spending more time with her every now and then, not allow another 5 years to pass by. Since I’m not sweating out handfuls of friends, it’s important for me to reach out to the people I do have and try to keep those friendships running strong.
OK I’m DONE RANTING, lol. In all reality and kidding aside, I can’t believe that this blog became this long, I really was just planning on doing a quick catch up. But since we’re talking about reality I should admit that most of the time when that’s what I plan on it does become a short novel in the end. You all should see the size of the letters I used to write Westie, or the ones I’m currently writing to ‘the secret boy’ lol. I hope this finds all of you very well and enjoying the week, on this, the ‘hump day.’ Please again as I’ve said before, if you actually read these posts of mine, become a follower, I like knowing who out there actually takes the time to read any of my purging. Just recently someone whom I had no idea read this contacted me…he is also someone I never really knew in high school, older then me, etc…but just knew him from ‘around’ he just wrote a quick message to me and told me a little about some issue’s he’s had in the past with drugs and alcohol, something he said he hasn’t told many people about. I felt so honored and humbled that he took the time to read what I have had to say, and felt comfortable enough because of that to talk to me a little. When I first started this whole thing almost a year ago, that was the main reason why, and the thing I wanted most to come out of it - so I was pretty (again because it’s the only word I can think of that fits) humbled by the whole thing. This blog has gotten me to 2 different schools to speak, one school I’ve been at twice. It’s been read by people who not know more about my story then what they had always assumed or heard. It’s initiated relationships with people I had lost contact with, or whom I barely even knew. All and all I have to say it’s been a pretty successful experiment to say the least, one that I’m very grateful for.
Bye for now. Take care of yourself. And to be cheesy, which I really sooooo am most of the time - try hard to really like yourself. I always say to Brian that I love him and I like him, because I truly do. There are people in my life that I really do love but don’t really like much, if that makes and sense and if anyone can relate I don’t know. So I find it important to let Brian know that not only do I love him because he is my son, my life, that I really like the person he is and I really like to spend time with him. And that’s where I’m at with myself - I feel like I’m starting to like myself, not sure if I’m at love yet, but liking is working pretty good for me at the time being. So just try to like yourself, even if it starts at just a little but for only a few reasons. With that I say so long - mine as well stay cheesy.
*Krista*
Anyhow what else to write about??? Ugh I hate the part of this blog where I said I’d always be 100% honest, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut, lol. I will be as vague as possible just to keep the other parties information confidential, not everyone is as hunky dory with all their shit being spread over the internet as I seem to be. But the guy I dated last spring and I have been communicating a lot lately. I haven’t set eyes on him yet, but lots of letters and a few phone calls. Out of anyone I’ve met or ‘seen’ in this last year he truly is the only one that sincerely gave me those ‘butterflies’ ya know Ladies, the ones we are eternally seeking? I care so much for him yet don’t trust him, which is such a hard thing to say out loud because it’s hard to feel the way I do knowing that such a key ingredient, such as trust isn’t there. He say’s all the perfect things, writes me all the sweetest letters, but I can’t help but ask myself if he’s just really that good of a con artist, I really want to believe he isn’t. It’s just been a long time that someone has spoken to me like they could envision spending their lives with me, or that they have strong feelings for me. I just sooooo want him to really mean what he’s been telling me, and I would love for us to really give it a shot, but of course there are complications, because it wouldn’t be me obviously if there weren’t. I’m willing to work with such complications though because although I’m scared of being hurt, I’m more scared of wondering if I missed out on something that could have been really amazing. I want a real relationship, I’m over the being single thing.
In this last year I’ve had a couple ’Friends with benefits’ we shall call it. Not many, but enough to know that I am not comfortable with and quite dislike that kind of relationship a lot. I’m incapable of keeping feelings at bay if they exist, and if they don’t then I shut down and I’m not interested anyhow. It’s pretty rare to find myself caught somewhere in between, but that too has also happened fairly recently. I’m not desperate to find someone right this second, not at all. I’m actually very proud of myself for being as OK with being single as I am. I just know what I prefer and what I don’t, and my preference is most definitely not that of a single life-style. I want all those night’s snuggled on the couch watching TV, I want dinners together, I want a home with someone I love who loves me just as much, I want someone who I can trust enough to know that he won’t hurt Brian in any way (even if we don’t work out.) I don’t want one night stands or seeing someone once or twice a month, watch a movie and …you know. So at this point I’m cautiously, ok very CAUTIOUSLY optimistic about this situation and hopeful, all while trying to keep a sound mind and realistic attitude.
On a different note.
It’s so funny how things can change so dramatically in such short periods of time. For instance, when Jim and Becky first got together I would have done any and everything short of flying to the moon to break them up. I wanted him as lonely as I was, and I didn’t want her to have someone that for so long belonged to me. Now I worry about their relationship at times and pray that they do stay together. Brian has grown so attached to her son, and he does genuinely like her from what I’ve seen and heard. He has finally become completely comfortable spending 3 nights at a time away from me and home. Now if they do break up, which I mean chances are they will….(it’s hard to imagine the first person you take on a date after a substantionally long history with your wife will be the person you are with until you die.) Of course there is always a chance that once we are officially divorced that they will get married, possibly have children, all that crap…which I can’t believe I’ve gotten to a point where that is what I hope for. I very much wish things between Jim and I were different, very very different, but they are what they are. I’d change a dozen or so things about how we interact with one another, the current custody agreement, how he treats me, etc…but as far as my son is concerned I just want stability for him. It’s right up there on the top of the list of things any mom wants for their child, happiness, health, love, intelligence, stability, security, confidence, I could go on forever, but I won’t. It’s just that in the 5 years Brian’s been alive he’s lived in 6, yes 6!!! Places! That’s ridiculous, it’s disgusting, it’s horrible. I never moved when I was a kid, one home, one school, one set of parents, and look how screwed up I turned out regardless of that stability. Of course my life was lacking that ingredient in other area’s, but in many my life was indeed stable. Brian’s has not been. Speaking of this….Jim and I got into a little conversation the other day that lasted almost an hour over the phone. It seems like most of his issues with me and what I do with Brian boils down to the fact that he hates where we live. He hates that I have Brian here where my dad and mom are both sick. Some part of me completely understands that. I need to learn where to draw the line though on how much impact his words have on me…because after that conversation I got right online and messaged my friend Steve (lol your in my blog Steve-O) Ok I met Steve before I met Jim, he dated my best friend years and YEARS ago…but come to find out Steve was one of Jim’s best friends and when Jim and I got together Steve was in our lives quite a bit. He’s been in the military for 8 years I think it will be soon, so he comes and goes all the time but he’s been consistently in my life for a long while. He comes home from Iraq, thank God, next month. Well I messaged him almost frantically and by the end of our conversation he was considering and really thinking about getting a big apartment with me and Brian, splitting the rent, blah blah blah. I was so excited that he would even agree to think about it, which he actually did more so and told me to start looking for places, I was psyched. So I started looking in the paper, and asking around and all of a sudden the other night it dawned on me to ask myself ‘why are you really moving out??” (side note : this is after I told Jim I was planning on moving in with one of his closest friends just to throw it in his face, he was furious, I loved it obviously.) When I asked myself why, it occurred to me that the main reason I was doing it was to prove something to Jim, to show him that I am capable, to look better if we went back to court. Not because I am miserable here, which of course sometimes I am, not because I know I’m ready financially, not because it would be the BEST thing possible for Brian, not because it’s what I truly want, but mainly because of Jim. Why in the world would I do something as drastic as moving out of my home with my son based on anything that has to do with my Ex?????? When I finally move out of here I want it to be after I have my own vehicle, after I have a second job so I will always know that I can make rent(or a different job of course), if either of my parents get ill to the point that it would be horribly hard and scary for Brian to live here. Steve is a real friend to me, he always has been…I mean the kind of friend that people hope to get, someone I know I can always trust and who will always try to lend a helping hand if he’s capable. How unfair would it be of me to even have asked him in the first place? Yes he would have less bills then if he lived alone, but other then that the rest of it would all be to benefit me. He doesn’t want to live in the JCS school district, but he would have, he doesn’t want to really live with a single mom and her 5 year old(although he really does love Brian), but he would have, he doesn’t want to have to drive 45 miles every day to school, but he would have. The job I have is awesome, the people I work for are amazing employers and such good people, I make decent money…BUT it’s a waitressing job with no chance of moving up any ladder, it’s very seasonal and it’s not 40 hours/week. Some months I might bring home $1500 some months I might bring home $200 - does that sound like an income steady enough to where I could promise with no doubts that Steve wouldn’t end up having to cover my ass month after month? Although my living situation isn’t the ‘norm’ and isn’t ideal most of the time, it has it’s perks….Brian has 3 adults here that love him to death, he has his own bedroom, a dog, he has the only place in his life that has been there from the beginning, and he has security, stability as well as happiness here. I don’t sit alone on my couch 3 nights a week when he’s not here, I pay some bills here but definitely not as many as if I lived anywhere else, and I also get to help my parents out being here. It really isn’t all bad. After realizing this I slept on it, thought some more, then ended up telling Steve yesterday that it just wasn’t a good idea just yet, that I wasn’t ready to move next month, and that I also thought it was unfair of me to ask him in the first place. With friends like that you have to be careful what you ask of them because they will always try and help you. Phew I’m rambling, sorry. Point is that I no longer should allow my actions, my life to be directed by Jim. I know that I’m working, that I’m a good mother, I know that I offer so much to my son and for my son. I know I’m doing a hell of a lot better now then at other periods of time, and I know that I’m close to being out of here, but just not close enough to push it. And NO judge would take my child and/or any of my time with him away from me because I live here. Just because Brian has been and is exposed to sickness doesn’t make it an unacceptable living environment. If anything he will grow up appreciating things more, he will be a more compassionate person in the long run, and he will have plenty of great memory’s of my parents when they eventually do pass away….I’m the grown up, and I exclude him from 99% of hospital visits, Dr appointments, etc - I know what’s appropriate for him to be exposed to and what is not. Jim makes it sound like Brian is living in a home where there is nothing but sickness and fear and misery - not the case. My parents both still are more then capable of playing with, watching, spending time with, LOVING and caring for Brian. If you put them both together it makes one completely healthy grandparent, and they are always together so it works out ok. Of course I want to have my own place, but like I said, I don’t want Brian to have to move around 10 more times before he is 18 - the next time I move I want to believe it’s for good…whether it’s by myself or with someone else.
One last quick thing to hit on and then I’ll sign off before this becomes any more ridiculously long then it already is,lol. Brian got a gift certificate on Halloween for a free game for 4 people bowling. He also got a gift certificate for being such a good little reader for a free pizza @ Pizza Hut…so Sunday we planned on going and having a nice little day together. As much as I enjoy spending time with Brian, whenever it’s an activity like that, and includes the drive to GF, I would rather include a friend to have another grown up to chat with and such. So after a little badgering I got a really old friend of mine, whom I hadn’t spent real time with in years to come along and bring her 2 year old son. She and I used to be very close when we were younger, and like most friendships we ended up growing apart little by little in the long run. Well since this was the first time we had really hung out in so long there was quite a bit to catch up with in each other’s lives. Of course my “situation” came up like it always does and of course she also had heard the worst of the worst of the stories that flew around town after everything happened. She, along with most other people, had heard that Westie and I were found with needles hanging out of our arms, passed out for hours and hours with Brian screaming in the back seat. As I’ve said in previous posts, the reality of what happened is horrific enough, it’s so hard to understand why people made it even worse when telling the story to other’s. I don’t know where it came from, who told the original first version of that story, or whatever, and I really don’t care. I just have to keep it in my mind, and remember that so when I do see people I haven’t since that awful day I remember to at some point tell them what really happened from start to end. I don’t need to spend hours talking about everything involved, just the basics to at least let the true story be heard since the gossip one definitely has been. Small town shit ;-) But we had a really nice time, I did anyhow, and I’d love to start spending more time with her every now and then, not allow another 5 years to pass by. Since I’m not sweating out handfuls of friends, it’s important for me to reach out to the people I do have and try to keep those friendships running strong.
OK I’m DONE RANTING, lol. In all reality and kidding aside, I can’t believe that this blog became this long, I really was just planning on doing a quick catch up. But since we’re talking about reality I should admit that most of the time when that’s what I plan on it does become a short novel in the end. You all should see the size of the letters I used to write Westie, or the ones I’m currently writing to ‘the secret boy’ lol. I hope this finds all of you very well and enjoying the week, on this, the ‘hump day.’ Please again as I’ve said before, if you actually read these posts of mine, become a follower, I like knowing who out there actually takes the time to read any of my purging. Just recently someone whom I had no idea read this contacted me…he is also someone I never really knew in high school, older then me, etc…but just knew him from ‘around’ he just wrote a quick message to me and told me a little about some issue’s he’s had in the past with drugs and alcohol, something he said he hasn’t told many people about. I felt so honored and humbled that he took the time to read what I have had to say, and felt comfortable enough because of that to talk to me a little. When I first started this whole thing almost a year ago, that was the main reason why, and the thing I wanted most to come out of it - so I was pretty (again because it’s the only word I can think of that fits) humbled by the whole thing. This blog has gotten me to 2 different schools to speak, one school I’ve been at twice. It’s been read by people who not know more about my story then what they had always assumed or heard. It’s initiated relationships with people I had lost contact with, or whom I barely even knew. All and all I have to say it’s been a pretty successful experiment to say the least, one that I’m very grateful for.
Bye for now. Take care of yourself. And to be cheesy, which I really sooooo am most of the time - try hard to really like yourself. I always say to Brian that I love him and I like him, because I truly do. There are people in my life that I really do love but don’t really like much, if that makes and sense and if anyone can relate I don’t know. So I find it important to let Brian know that not only do I love him because he is my son, my life, that I really like the person he is and I really like to spend time with him. And that’s where I’m at with myself - I feel like I’m starting to like myself, not sure if I’m at love yet, but liking is working pretty good for me at the time being. So just try to like yourself, even if it starts at just a little but for only a few reasons. With that I say so long - mine as well stay cheesy.
*Krista*
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