"Powerlessness?"

First off Happy Memorial Day, I hope everyone enjoyed themselves and had a good long weekend! Friday and Saturday started off kind of slow and boring for me but Sunday was a great day followed by a really fun and nice night with friends, so all and all it was a good weekend on my end.

So I’m still trying to work on my Step 1. If I can tackle one or two questions in full a day then I figure I’m doing well…because sometimes it takes pages upon pages to answer what might seem like a simple question. Today’s was as follows…”In what area’s of my life am I powerless?” At first I thought this was going to be an easy one for a change, quick answer - in every aspect of my life I am powerless…if I am to believe I n a higher power then he has all the power, right? My life is already mapped out, and whatever will happen is meant to, therefore I am powerless…or am I? This question began to haunt me and really become much more philosophical then I think was intended. Because I do believe in a High Power, I’m just not quite sure on all the details yet, which is ok, really it will come in time. So I decided to break this question down and look at it from the perspective that I believe it was written for, my addiction. That’s a good place to start, at least I thought so.

Yeah I’m powerless over my addiction. But I’m not powerless over my recovery. N/A doesn’t make many promises, but they promise that if you do what they tell you, if you read the literature, take suggestions, get a sponsor, do service, work the steps, etc that you can learn to live a life free from active addiction. So I’m not powerless, I can chose to work at becoming better and doing what will lead me to recovery instead of back down the road of active addiction. So already I proved myself wrong with my initial thought that I was powerless over it all.

Then I went on to people. I am powerless over other’s 100%. I cannot control how people feel, how other people live their lives, how others treat me, etc. But I can control who I allow into my life, who I trust, who I build relationships with….how I react to other’s, etc. Again so there I have more power. It’s not about how others treat you that is important, it’s how you react to it, and If you learn from it and grow in the process - at least that’s how I take it.

Faith can almost lead you into a trap….I mean for me I could see how it could, let me explain. If I have faith that everything that is supposed to happen to or for me will in God’s time, the way he wants it to occur then I could just sit back and wait, right? Why try and change your life, better or worse if it’s just going to end the same? If God already has it mapped out for me, God or a Higher Power, whichever - then where do I come into play here, as far as choices and decisions? I could easily fall into that trap, I know me…an excuse to be stagnant. But that’s not the way it works. I believe that our Higher Power very well may know what they want for us, and how our lives are supposed to turn out….that God has his own will for us. The problem is when we act on our own will and not trust that something greater then ourselves knows better….following me here? So I believe that we are all powerful and powerless at the same time. If we follow our Higher Powers WILL for us we can never go wrong…it was MY WILL that got me to this point - and of course a series of events and my past, etc. I believe in genetics playing a part, I believe in Causes and Conditions playing even a larger role, but I also believe that my best thinking, my own will ultimately led me here, the good and bad.

So no, I don’t just sit back and wait for my Higher Power to make my life something better. I have the power to make choices, I have the power to react to situations that occur. I do not always have control or power over the things that happen to me, but I do have the power over how I react, if I learn from them, if I fall back into victim mode, etc. I guess it’s something called, free-will, lol…. But again I hope to get to the point where I make the choice to turn my life and my will over to the care of Higher Power, I’m not there yet, but I hope to be at some point. To turn things over that I have no control of, like death, illness, how others live, etc…it goes back to the Serenity Prayer I suppose “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” That’s the piece, knowing the difference…letting go when it’s out of your hands, and stepping up when it’s in your hands.

I don’t know if that made any sense - but I just spent a lot of time thinking about this powerlessness thing. Again I was so quick so assume that I have no power over anything or any aspect of my life…the easy way out, a cop out. I do have the power to make my life what I want it to be - correction what a loving and caring Higher Power would want my life to be. If I believe in a Higher Power that only wants me to be happy, to live a good life, to succeed then I would never be steered wrong. The Higher Power of my understanding is loving, forgiving, compassionate, etc…and he would never want anything bad for me….his will would always lead me to happiness and success. My will is what get’s me all fucked up and twisted….me thinking that I know what’s best for me, what I need and when I need it. Like I said - it was my best thinking that got me in a jail cell, half naked, detoxing on a cement floor, sobbing because I didn’t know if my son was safe or not in a foster home for 2 days….that’s where my will and my thinking got me. So what would I have to lose to try it the other way, to turn it over? Nothing!
I suppose that’s just where I’m at today. There was no big enlightened moment where it all became clear. It’s amazing how the questions in these steps are formulated in such a manner and in such an order that by the time you get done with one your in the perfect mind set for the next. Things fall into place, you remember things you haven’t thought about in years, you open your mind to idea’s you hadn’t imagined since being a child - like I said….the Step Work is truly “where it’s at.” I think that the best chance I have of changing as a person, lies in those 12 steps….in learning how to make myself happy, and not need someone or something else to do it for me, in learning how to live without needing a crutch, something to numb myself, in learning how to have faith, empathy, love that I thought I had but am incapable of having until I truly love myself. This might all sound so cheesy, and some of it is - but this is my blog and from the beginning I knew there would be post’s like this, post’s where it was just ranting and anger, posts of self pity, posts of just keeping you updated in my life, etc…. I think that’s the point of a blog. Well at least that is the point of mine, to be honest and to write about whatever it is that is on my messed up little mind at the time I sit down at this computer. I hope somewhere in there I made a little sense and you were able to decipher a little what I was trying to say. We all have power over our lives, our destiny - but if we trust in something greater then ourselves then we can let go of the things we have no control over - I know my life would become so much better, more serene if I was able to do just that - LET GO.

I’m sure my next post will be much less “deep” and back to the daily grind type stuff…but every once in awhile I feel all philosophical I suppose, lol. Ya know, when I’m done with all these questions, in all these steps - that get into every aspect of my life, my being, my past, my everything - I should take every word, every piece of paper, then print out every post I’ve ever written on here and send it to a really good editor and see if someone could make sense of it all and turn it into a book, that doesn’t rant and ramble, but flows by sequence and life experiences….I know I write enough to fill an autobiography twice over, and with all this extra writing that I’m doing with this step work, answering all these questions I would never have thought to write about without it, I’m curious to see how and if it could all be put together. Like I said, I would need a really good and patient editor for sure J Something to keep in mind I guess. Love to you all, and I’ll be writing soon I’m sure.

To clarify…and not because I feel like I need to explain myself to anyone - I just want everyone to be clear at where I am in all this, in my process. I haven’t found a good relationship with a God of my understanding YET. That is a piece I’m really trying to work on, because I feel as if so much else would fall into place if I could grasp that. I’m trying, just not there completely, or even half way. I’m not sure what that Higher Power is, or if I will chose to call him God, or how it will all work out. But for now those are the words I use, and I just want to clarify where I’m at with that piece because it is such an important part of it all. I don’t want people thinking that I’m further along then I am, or that I woke up one morning and now think I’m a devoted Christian, or any other organized religious person. Right now I suppose I’m looking more for Spirituality, which is different from religion. We’ll see if they both come - I just know I desperately want serenity, faith, again to be able to trust in something better, smarter, greater then I (that part is easy.) But I just wanted to make all that a little more clear incase anyone was confused on exactly where I am when it comes to that. Ok that’s it, now it’s bed time. Like I said I had a really fun and nice night last night, but it didn’t consist of very much sleep - so I’m a tired gal right about now. G’night all.