First off Happy Memorial Day, I hope everyone enjoyed themselves and had a good long weekend! Friday and Saturday started off kind of slow and boring for me but Sunday was a great day followed by a really fun and nice night with friends, so all and all it was a good weekend on my end.
So I’m still trying to work on my Step 1. If I can tackle one or two questions in full a day then I figure I’m doing well…because sometimes it takes pages upon pages to answer what might seem like a simple question. Today’s was as follows…”In what area’s of my life am I powerless?” At first I thought this was going to be an easy one for a change, quick answer - in every aspect of my life I am powerless…if I am to believe I n a higher power then he has all the power, right? My life is already mapped out, and whatever will happen is meant to, therefore I am powerless…or am I? This question began to haunt me and really become much more philosophical then I think was intended. Because I do believe in a High Power, I’m just not quite sure on all the details yet, which is ok, really it will come in time. So I decided to break this question down and look at it from the perspective that I believe it was written for, my addiction. That’s a good place to start, at least I thought so.
Yeah I’m powerless over my addiction. But I’m not powerless over my recovery. N/A doesn’t make many promises, but they promise that if you do what they tell you, if you read the literature, take suggestions, get a sponsor, do service, work the steps, etc that you can learn to live a life free from active addiction. So I’m not powerless, I can chose to work at becoming better and doing what will lead me to recovery instead of back down the road of active addiction. So already I proved myself wrong with my initial thought that I was powerless over it all.
Then I went on to people. I am powerless over other’s 100%. I cannot control how people feel, how other people live their lives, how others treat me, etc. But I can control who I allow into my life, who I trust, who I build relationships with….how I react to other’s, etc. Again so there I have more power. It’s not about how others treat you that is important, it’s how you react to it, and If you learn from it and grow in the process - at least that’s how I take it.
Faith can almost lead you into a trap….I mean for me I could see how it could, let me explain. If I have faith that everything that is supposed to happen to or for me will in God’s time, the way he wants it to occur then I could just sit back and wait, right? Why try and change your life, better or worse if it’s just going to end the same? If God already has it mapped out for me, God or a Higher Power, whichever - then where do I come into play here, as far as choices and decisions? I could easily fall into that trap, I know me…an excuse to be stagnant. But that’s not the way it works. I believe that our Higher Power very well may know what they want for us, and how our lives are supposed to turn out….that God has his own will for us. The problem is when we act on our own will and not trust that something greater then ourselves knows better….following me here? So I believe that we are all powerful and powerless at the same time. If we follow our Higher Powers WILL for us we can never go wrong…it was MY WILL that got me to this point - and of course a series of events and my past, etc. I believe in genetics playing a part, I believe in Causes and Conditions playing even a larger role, but I also believe that my best thinking, my own will ultimately led me here, the good and bad.
So no, I don’t just sit back and wait for my Higher Power to make my life something better. I have the power to make choices, I have the power to react to situations that occur. I do not always have control or power over the things that happen to me, but I do have the power over how I react, if I learn from them, if I fall back into victim mode, etc. I guess it’s something called, free-will, lol…. But again I hope to get to the point where I make the choice to turn my life and my will over to the care of Higher Power, I’m not there yet, but I hope to be at some point. To turn things over that I have no control of, like death, illness, how others live, etc…it goes back to the Serenity Prayer I suppose “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” That’s the piece, knowing the difference…letting go when it’s out of your hands, and stepping up when it’s in your hands.
I don’t know if that made any sense - but I just spent a lot of time thinking about this powerlessness thing. Again I was so quick so assume that I have no power over anything or any aspect of my life…the easy way out, a cop out. I do have the power to make my life what I want it to be - correction what a loving and caring Higher Power would want my life to be. If I believe in a Higher Power that only wants me to be happy, to live a good life, to succeed then I would never be steered wrong. The Higher Power of my understanding is loving, forgiving, compassionate, etc…and he would never want anything bad for me….his will would always lead me to happiness and success. My will is what get’s me all fucked up and twisted….me thinking that I know what’s best for me, what I need and when I need it. Like I said - it was my best thinking that got me in a jail cell, half naked, detoxing on a cement floor, sobbing because I didn’t know if my son was safe or not in a foster home for 2 days….that’s where my will and my thinking got me. So what would I have to lose to try it the other way, to turn it over? Nothing!
I suppose that’s just where I’m at today. There was no big enlightened moment where it all became clear. It’s amazing how the questions in these steps are formulated in such a manner and in such an order that by the time you get done with one your in the perfect mind set for the next. Things fall into place, you remember things you haven’t thought about in years, you open your mind to idea’s you hadn’t imagined since being a child - like I said….the Step Work is truly “where it’s at.” I think that the best chance I have of changing as a person, lies in those 12 steps….in learning how to make myself happy, and not need someone or something else to do it for me, in learning how to live without needing a crutch, something to numb myself, in learning how to have faith, empathy, love that I thought I had but am incapable of having until I truly love myself. This might all sound so cheesy, and some of it is - but this is my blog and from the beginning I knew there would be post’s like this, post’s where it was just ranting and anger, posts of self pity, posts of just keeping you updated in my life, etc…. I think that’s the point of a blog. Well at least that is the point of mine, to be honest and to write about whatever it is that is on my messed up little mind at the time I sit down at this computer. I hope somewhere in there I made a little sense and you were able to decipher a little what I was trying to say. We all have power over our lives, our destiny - but if we trust in something greater then ourselves then we can let go of the things we have no control over - I know my life would become so much better, more serene if I was able to do just that - LET GO.
I’m sure my next post will be much less “deep” and back to the daily grind type stuff…but every once in awhile I feel all philosophical I suppose, lol. Ya know, when I’m done with all these questions, in all these steps - that get into every aspect of my life, my being, my past, my everything - I should take every word, every piece of paper, then print out every post I’ve ever written on here and send it to a really good editor and see if someone could make sense of it all and turn it into a book, that doesn’t rant and ramble, but flows by sequence and life experiences….I know I write enough to fill an autobiography twice over, and with all this extra writing that I’m doing with this step work, answering all these questions I would never have thought to write about without it, I’m curious to see how and if it could all be put together. Like I said, I would need a really good and patient editor for sure J Something to keep in mind I guess. Love to you all, and I’ll be writing soon I’m sure.
To clarify…and not because I feel like I need to explain myself to anyone - I just want everyone to be clear at where I am in all this, in my process. I haven’t found a good relationship with a God of my understanding YET. That is a piece I’m really trying to work on, because I feel as if so much else would fall into place if I could grasp that. I’m trying, just not there completely, or even half way. I’m not sure what that Higher Power is, or if I will chose to call him God, or how it will all work out. But for now those are the words I use, and I just want to clarify where I’m at with that piece because it is such an important part of it all. I don’t want people thinking that I’m further along then I am, or that I woke up one morning and now think I’m a devoted Christian, or any other organized religious person. Right now I suppose I’m looking more for Spirituality, which is different from religion. We’ll see if they both come - I just know I desperately want serenity, faith, again to be able to trust in something better, smarter, greater then I (that part is easy.) But I just wanted to make all that a little more clear incase anyone was confused on exactly where I am when it comes to that. Ok that’s it, now it’s bed time. Like I said I had a really fun and nice night last night, but it didn’t consist of very much sleep - so I’m a tired gal right about now. G’night all.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Writing, writing and more writing
So I have formally begun my Step 1 - again to remind all you non-addicts out there "I admitted I was powerless over drugs and alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable." I did a formal step 1 in rehab and another in outpatient, OR SO I THOUGHT. I'm now doing it out of the N/A stepworking guide and OMG, my hand is going to fall off. Step 1 alone has 63 questions....here are a few just to chew on....
9. have i given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? what have they been?
10. have i compulsively acted on an obsession and then acted as if i had actually planned to act that way? when were those times?
11. how have i blamed other people for my behavior?
12. how have i compared my addiction with others addiction? is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
13. Am i comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got clean? am i plagued by the idea that i should know better?
14. have i been thinking that i have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
15. am i avoiding action because I'm afraid i will be ashamed when i face the results of my addiction? am i avoiding action because im worried about what others will thing?
These questions are in depth, long answers, crazy questions. I have only done about 20 of them and must have about 60 pages hand written with their answers...it's nuts! I really think when I'm done, if I ever get done with all of these steps (which I will say some of the most dedicated members of AA and NA never do) I should just type it out and make a book. I know a woman who has been clean 9 years and just started her step 8, so I guess I have a long road ahead of me as far as just the step work alone goes. The Step Work is truly "where it's at" though. If I really, and completely do these steps, work them and live them then that's where the change will happen - where I will change in more ways then just being clean from drugs....so that's where I'm at when it comes to such things. I was super excited about having a sponsor but I don't know how things are working in that department. I am actually meeting a woman next week from AA who has been refered to me by a woman I really respect to see if she and I would be a good fit, and if she would be willing to work the steps with me and guide me through some of them. It's just hard because it's easy to get the line between friendship and sponsorship blurred, and people take things personally, and like everything else something things just don't work out - so we'll see how it goes when I meet this other woman, and who know's maybe I'll end up spending more time in AA then NA in the end also...like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I've had some issues lately in my fellowship so it's just about keeping my options open. But tonight I am going to a NA meeting, forcing myself because I'm tired and lazy, but I'm going.
Brian, mom and I went and saw Thomas the Train today. He got to run through a hay maze, jump in some bouncy houses, and take the train ride - he had a ball. In a little while we will be heading to Warrensburg, I'll be picking up my friend for the mtg, and dropping Brian off at her house - which I've done now 3 times. Between my friend and her fiancée they have 4 kids!!! The two boys are super close to Brian in age, and it's like his fantasy when he walks into their house, lol...so it works out well. Her boyfriend is awesome with all the kids, Brian feels really comfortable there, it's only for 2 hours, and it gets both the mom's to where we need to be while the kids have fun at home...that's what I call ladies and gentlemen a win win situation :-)
I'm tired, and like I said I've been writing like a mad person lately so I'm going to sign off. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post, but I went to JCS again and spoke to a really small group of girls this past Tuesday...that was my third time speaking at a school. I really had a nice time, and I guess the teacher was impressed and happy with how it went and she thought the girls really took it in. I wish I could make a career out of public speaking, god come on, I'd be a perfect candidate to get paid to speak, I'd be in heaven, lol. Money or no money though, believe me, I love to do it, and there is no other feeling in the world to think that I might actually say something to help someone later in their life, ya know? When we went to Bolton it was amazing to reach THAT many students at one time, but even in small classes, if I keep going, the numbers sure will add up. I'm sure by now you all realize that I don't mind too much putting my shit out there for all to read - some think I'm nuts for doing it, some respect it and consider me strong for it...like I've said over and over, I just do it to practice the honesty piece, and because I've found that what people assume is usually much worse then the reality anyhow.
I'm going to go and start getting ready. I'm not sure exactly what or when I wrote last - or if I touched base on our family court appearance or not. If I didn't - we got joint, no argument, totally civil (even if Jim was faking the whole time.) Just to let you know, if I didn't get into it previously I will in the next blog, because it isn't as cut and dry as I was hoping and now a whole new mound of issues is arising to cause concern, and I'm totally stressing over it. It's hard with this blog thing, I can't ever remember what I wrote last time, lol, maybe before I sit down to make a new post I should re-read my last one, so I don't repeat myself :-) I'll write soon though after finding out just where I did leave it last, and take it from there. Much love to you all! Happy summer!
9. have i given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? what have they been?
10. have i compulsively acted on an obsession and then acted as if i had actually planned to act that way? when were those times?
11. how have i blamed other people for my behavior?
12. how have i compared my addiction with others addiction? is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
13. Am i comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got clean? am i plagued by the idea that i should know better?
14. have i been thinking that i have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?
15. am i avoiding action because I'm afraid i will be ashamed when i face the results of my addiction? am i avoiding action because im worried about what others will thing?
These questions are in depth, long answers, crazy questions. I have only done about 20 of them and must have about 60 pages hand written with their answers...it's nuts! I really think when I'm done, if I ever get done with all of these steps (which I will say some of the most dedicated members of AA and NA never do) I should just type it out and make a book. I know a woman who has been clean 9 years and just started her step 8, so I guess I have a long road ahead of me as far as just the step work alone goes. The Step Work is truly "where it's at" though. If I really, and completely do these steps, work them and live them then that's where the change will happen - where I will change in more ways then just being clean from drugs....so that's where I'm at when it comes to such things. I was super excited about having a sponsor but I don't know how things are working in that department. I am actually meeting a woman next week from AA who has been refered to me by a woman I really respect to see if she and I would be a good fit, and if she would be willing to work the steps with me and guide me through some of them. It's just hard because it's easy to get the line between friendship and sponsorship blurred, and people take things personally, and like everything else something things just don't work out - so we'll see how it goes when I meet this other woman, and who know's maybe I'll end up spending more time in AA then NA in the end also...like I mentioned in earlier blogs, I've had some issues lately in my fellowship so it's just about keeping my options open. But tonight I am going to a NA meeting, forcing myself because I'm tired and lazy, but I'm going.
Brian, mom and I went and saw Thomas the Train today. He got to run through a hay maze, jump in some bouncy houses, and take the train ride - he had a ball. In a little while we will be heading to Warrensburg, I'll be picking up my friend for the mtg, and dropping Brian off at her house - which I've done now 3 times. Between my friend and her fiancée they have 4 kids!!! The two boys are super close to Brian in age, and it's like his fantasy when he walks into their house, lol...so it works out well. Her boyfriend is awesome with all the kids, Brian feels really comfortable there, it's only for 2 hours, and it gets both the mom's to where we need to be while the kids have fun at home...that's what I call ladies and gentlemen a win win situation :-)
I'm tired, and like I said I've been writing like a mad person lately so I'm going to sign off. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post, but I went to JCS again and spoke to a really small group of girls this past Tuesday...that was my third time speaking at a school. I really had a nice time, and I guess the teacher was impressed and happy with how it went and she thought the girls really took it in. I wish I could make a career out of public speaking, god come on, I'd be a perfect candidate to get paid to speak, I'd be in heaven, lol. Money or no money though, believe me, I love to do it, and there is no other feeling in the world to think that I might actually say something to help someone later in their life, ya know? When we went to Bolton it was amazing to reach THAT many students at one time, but even in small classes, if I keep going, the numbers sure will add up. I'm sure by now you all realize that I don't mind too much putting my shit out there for all to read - some think I'm nuts for doing it, some respect it and consider me strong for it...like I've said over and over, I just do it to practice the honesty piece, and because I've found that what people assume is usually much worse then the reality anyhow.
I'm going to go and start getting ready. I'm not sure exactly what or when I wrote last - or if I touched base on our family court appearance or not. If I didn't - we got joint, no argument, totally civil (even if Jim was faking the whole time.) Just to let you know, if I didn't get into it previously I will in the next blog, because it isn't as cut and dry as I was hoping and now a whole new mound of issues is arising to cause concern, and I'm totally stressing over it. It's hard with this blog thing, I can't ever remember what I wrote last time, lol, maybe before I sit down to make a new post I should re-read my last one, so I don't repeat myself :-) I'll write soon though after finding out just where I did leave it last, and take it from there. Much love to you all! Happy summer!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
it's all over the place, so there is no title to this one :-)
Happy Sunday to everyone. Brian spent all day and night with his Dad yesterday, it was so foreign - definitely the longest I’ve gone without seeing the little dude since October. So I filled the time the best I could…I spent the entire day in Glens Falls at a Fellowship function, with lots of speakers, food and friends. For the most part it was nice, but I definitely have to remember “principals before personalities.” I’ve had a rough week in my “rooms.” I was open and honest with everyone in a mtg that I was indeed on a DRT ( drug replacement therapy / Suboxone.) Now there is all sorts of controversy surrounding whether or not I can “celebrate” my year next month, chair mtg’s, bring mtgs too places like rehabs, jails, hospitals, etc. Each group is supposedly “autonomous” meaning they are all different and can chose amongst that group whether they will acknowledge me as clean or not, so hopefully even if I have problems with my home area, I will find either another fellowship or another area to go to without the judgment. I know in my heart that I have been clean, I have taken this medication completely as prescribed, I am seeing my Dr. monthly for pill counts drug screens and sessions, and I made this choice with my counselor at Conifer, with lots of research, and mostly with myself. People who are on prescribed pain meds either short or long term, psychiatric meds, etc are still considered clean if they say they are, but Methadone has given any kind of DRT such a bad name, and many are uneducated on the difference between that and the Suboxone. I am scared to go off this Opiate Blocker in my current living situation, being that I’m in a house filled with narcotics…so until I feel safe enough to eliminate this extra little crutch I will not apologize for it. On the flip side though I am truly starting to trust, love and find support in the people I’ve grown so close too in NA and I hope that this is not something that comes between that. So that’s been a little uncomfortable, just like being honest sometimes is - it sure beats lying though, then lying to cover the first lie, and falling back into that nature of being scared all the time of being found out, etc. Honesty really is so much easier, which again is my main purpose for this blog.
Then around 7 when I got back from Glens Falls I went and spent some time with Katy, my very best friend. Then when she had to return to her mom’s who was babysitting her daughter Addison, I came home…only to go back out J I called my friend Luke who lives up the road, we’ve been good friends for years. I told him I was wide awake, and bored and I’d be there in 5 seconds…he was still awake, so we watched half a movie till I got tired and came home to fall right to sleep. I have so much work to do on that piece of myself - being able to sit alone and be comfortable. Not needing that constant validation, filling of voids, company, etc. As of lately I’m realizing how much more work there is ahead of me. I’m clean, which is a huge step…but I still haven’t found - serenity, a higher power that I trust enough to turn my life and my will over too, ways to deal with insecurities, resentments, etc. In the beginning I was just so scared of using that staying clean was all I could concentrate on - not running to the 1 thing I knew worked to make me feel better, or not to feel at all. Now that the constant obsession with using has been lifted, at least a huge portion of that obsession, I can start really concentrating on what the pro’s call the “Causes and Conditions.” Basically what made me turn to drugs to begin with, why I felt so comfortable not dealing with real life, etc etc etc. So there is a lot of work ahead, but I’m looking forward to it. I didn’t like the person I was WAY before I used drugs, so it isn’t about going back to who I was, it’s about altering everything I’ve ever known and living by the saying “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” And I know I want to change, I want better, I want to be happy, to raise my son the best to my ability, so I’ll work till I’m confident enough in myself to feel like I am getting to being that person I want to be.
Wow random tangents there. I have Family Court tomorrow - I’m not even nervous, it’s great. I’ve been begging and pleading with Jim to “play nice” and not fight me or whatever….until it was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I no longer have anything to hide, that I’ve earned to have Brian back with me legally, and that the judge knows all the bad stuff already….so now that I’m not in fear, and feeling that old feeling of actually doing something wrong, that I had to lie, cover up, that I didn’t have a leg to stand on, I’m ready. Plus given the actions or lack there of in the last 6 months, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want full physical custody anyhow, so I doubt he’d put up much of a fight.
I still can’t understand plenty of things. I feel like I dealt with my little relationship coming to an end very well. I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t angry, I even reached out and told him that only wished the best for him. We were speaking, things we nice. Then yesterday he walked right past me like I didn’t exist. Jim and I were together for a LONG time, but this last time, there was no huge thing that broke us up - no one did anything new or terrible - he just realized before I did that we truly we over. There was no reason for him to be angry with me….at first right after the split, he wasn’t awful to me, he could talk rationally with me and decently. Now it’s terrible - he truly acts like he hates me, never speaks to me without making me feel like shit, never co-parents and talks to me about anything involving Brian other then when he’s picking him up. I don’t understand that - how can someone love one day, lose interest in the next, and hate the other person the following? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I will never understand. I just have to realize that although I’ve messed up plenty, this time I did nothing wrong, and it really is on him, and not take it so personally. I just accepted that I still want his approval and try to make him think nicely of me, that needs to end - I should not need validation from someone who treats me like this and left me after 7 years, even though it was the best thing for us both. It’s hard to explain, but I need to stop letting him affect me as much as he has and still does. It shouldn’t matter how he views me, what he thinks of me, or anything. So all and all I just don’t get the changing of emotions so quickly. I’m a woman and they say we change our minds constantly, I disagree, men are much more fickle and all over the place then us, at least me anyhow.
Dad’s back home. I feel such guilt for saying it, but I wish he wasn’t. I love him so much - but it’s so stressful and anxiety risen when he is here. He lays in bed and sleeps most of the time, is obviously depressed, and edgy. The month that he was gone, was like a load was lifted off our roof, that is now right back on. Again I hate admitting this - but it’s out of love for both my parents, my son and myself that I feel this way. Mom’s sick too, seriously sick - and I know she missed him and hated him being gone for an entire month - but I know that she too felt part of the relief I did during that time. The entire mood of the house shifts when he is here, and it’s just not healthy to anyone, when he could be a mile away - being taken better care of by professionals, getting better help, with us seeing him constantly…so that’s where I’m at with that.
Alright I’m not sure what this blog was even about, I veered off track a few times, and ranted a little, I know that much. Hopefully I at least made a little sense, and was able to catch everyone up a little on what’s up with me. I’ve gotton even more love from those that have been reading this, and it means so much to me. I’m not sure why so many find my ramblings interesting, or insightful, or whatever….but I am grateful to all of you that do read, and the ones that have responded with such encouragement, compliments, love, support and non judgement. You are the people that keep me writing, and let me know you care and get something out of reading….so again I’m so grateful.
Then around 7 when I got back from Glens Falls I went and spent some time with Katy, my very best friend. Then when she had to return to her mom’s who was babysitting her daughter Addison, I came home…only to go back out J I called my friend Luke who lives up the road, we’ve been good friends for years. I told him I was wide awake, and bored and I’d be there in 5 seconds…he was still awake, so we watched half a movie till I got tired and came home to fall right to sleep. I have so much work to do on that piece of myself - being able to sit alone and be comfortable. Not needing that constant validation, filling of voids, company, etc. As of lately I’m realizing how much more work there is ahead of me. I’m clean, which is a huge step…but I still haven’t found - serenity, a higher power that I trust enough to turn my life and my will over too, ways to deal with insecurities, resentments, etc. In the beginning I was just so scared of using that staying clean was all I could concentrate on - not running to the 1 thing I knew worked to make me feel better, or not to feel at all. Now that the constant obsession with using has been lifted, at least a huge portion of that obsession, I can start really concentrating on what the pro’s call the “Causes and Conditions.” Basically what made me turn to drugs to begin with, why I felt so comfortable not dealing with real life, etc etc etc. So there is a lot of work ahead, but I’m looking forward to it. I didn’t like the person I was WAY before I used drugs, so it isn’t about going back to who I was, it’s about altering everything I’ve ever known and living by the saying “if nothing changes, nothing changes.” And I know I want to change, I want better, I want to be happy, to raise my son the best to my ability, so I’ll work till I’m confident enough in myself to feel like I am getting to being that person I want to be.
Wow random tangents there. I have Family Court tomorrow - I’m not even nervous, it’s great. I’ve been begging and pleading with Jim to “play nice” and not fight me or whatever….until it was pointed out to me a few weeks ago that I no longer have anything to hide, that I’ve earned to have Brian back with me legally, and that the judge knows all the bad stuff already….so now that I’m not in fear, and feeling that old feeling of actually doing something wrong, that I had to lie, cover up, that I didn’t have a leg to stand on, I’m ready. Plus given the actions or lack there of in the last 6 months, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want full physical custody anyhow, so I doubt he’d put up much of a fight.
I still can’t understand plenty of things. I feel like I dealt with my little relationship coming to an end very well. I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t angry, I even reached out and told him that only wished the best for him. We were speaking, things we nice. Then yesterday he walked right past me like I didn’t exist. Jim and I were together for a LONG time, but this last time, there was no huge thing that broke us up - no one did anything new or terrible - he just realized before I did that we truly we over. There was no reason for him to be angry with me….at first right after the split, he wasn’t awful to me, he could talk rationally with me and decently. Now it’s terrible - he truly acts like he hates me, never speaks to me without making me feel like shit, never co-parents and talks to me about anything involving Brian other then when he’s picking him up. I don’t understand that - how can someone love one day, lose interest in the next, and hate the other person the following? It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I will never understand. I just have to realize that although I’ve messed up plenty, this time I did nothing wrong, and it really is on him, and not take it so personally. I just accepted that I still want his approval and try to make him think nicely of me, that needs to end - I should not need validation from someone who treats me like this and left me after 7 years, even though it was the best thing for us both. It’s hard to explain, but I need to stop letting him affect me as much as he has and still does. It shouldn’t matter how he views me, what he thinks of me, or anything. So all and all I just don’t get the changing of emotions so quickly. I’m a woman and they say we change our minds constantly, I disagree, men are much more fickle and all over the place then us, at least me anyhow.
Dad’s back home. I feel such guilt for saying it, but I wish he wasn’t. I love him so much - but it’s so stressful and anxiety risen when he is here. He lays in bed and sleeps most of the time, is obviously depressed, and edgy. The month that he was gone, was like a load was lifted off our roof, that is now right back on. Again I hate admitting this - but it’s out of love for both my parents, my son and myself that I feel this way. Mom’s sick too, seriously sick - and I know she missed him and hated him being gone for an entire month - but I know that she too felt part of the relief I did during that time. The entire mood of the house shifts when he is here, and it’s just not healthy to anyone, when he could be a mile away - being taken better care of by professionals, getting better help, with us seeing him constantly…so that’s where I’m at with that.
Alright I’m not sure what this blog was even about, I veered off track a few times, and ranted a little, I know that much. Hopefully I at least made a little sense, and was able to catch everyone up a little on what’s up with me. I’ve gotton even more love from those that have been reading this, and it means so much to me. I’m not sure why so many find my ramblings interesting, or insightful, or whatever….but I am grateful to all of you that do read, and the ones that have responded with such encouragement, compliments, love, support and non judgement. You are the people that keep me writing, and let me know you care and get something out of reading….so again I’m so grateful.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
blah
This isn’t going to be a “life is good, I’m growing as a person, and things are hunky-dory” kind of post. It’s all about honesty, right? My Dad weighs 110 lbs and is coming home tomorrow. My mom has gained 15 lbs of fluid in the last 2 weeks and needs to be drained again next week, in the mean time she is in tons of pain, miserable and having a hard time doing much of anything. I had my last group today and broke down reading my “relapse prevention plan.” I have had Conifer Park as my safety net for many months, I’ve grown very attached to all the staff, most of the clients, and will truly miss my time there - Bitter Sweet. The guy that dumped me just last week, uggg never mind totally not worth getting into. My husband (legal) is moving into a nice house for rent with his NEW family…working harder then I’ve ever seen him work, doing things correctly, and trying so damn hard for someone else and someone else’s son - while although I was screwed up too, as was he, we never got even close to that lifestyle.
I think it’s about time for this woman to get the hell into high gear and change my life. It looks like I have a new job, FOR REAL THIS TIME PEOPLE! I am speaking with the new owners of a motel/bar and eventual restaurant - when we speak we will be talking about what I will be doing there, how I can help get them ready to open, and when I will be starting - concrete people, can ya believe it?
Family Court is finally next Monday, after having to reschedule after Jim’s no show last month. Hopefully my hopes will be turned into reality and I will have physical custody of my son once again - which will eventually allow me to move….which is now my main goal. I NEED to be out of North Creek, and I would prefer to end up in Glens Falls. That’s where my support network all lives, and true friends I have made in the last year, and that is where my meetings are. There are more job opportunities down there too, but it all depends on the order of things. If I move before I get a car, I would need a job lined up right from the get-go. If I move after I have a car, I could drive up and continue working in Chestertown, Brian could see my parents super often, and I would be able to relieve some guilt I’d have about leaving and be able to check in on mom and dad all the time. So there are a lot of hurdles, and if’s, BUT that is the plan, and that is my biggest goal right now; other then continue doing what I’m doing, get that year coin in NA and celebrate making it this past year and keep doing it so everything else could then be possible.
So that’s my life today and future plans for tomorrow. I’ll get back into the old blogging habit soon again and start talking about more then just my shit, but hey - it is my blog ;-) Love to you all.
I think it’s about time for this woman to get the hell into high gear and change my life. It looks like I have a new job, FOR REAL THIS TIME PEOPLE! I am speaking with the new owners of a motel/bar and eventual restaurant - when we speak we will be talking about what I will be doing there, how I can help get them ready to open, and when I will be starting - concrete people, can ya believe it?
Family Court is finally next Monday, after having to reschedule after Jim’s no show last month. Hopefully my hopes will be turned into reality and I will have physical custody of my son once again - which will eventually allow me to move….which is now my main goal. I NEED to be out of North Creek, and I would prefer to end up in Glens Falls. That’s where my support network all lives, and true friends I have made in the last year, and that is where my meetings are. There are more job opportunities down there too, but it all depends on the order of things. If I move before I get a car, I would need a job lined up right from the get-go. If I move after I have a car, I could drive up and continue working in Chestertown, Brian could see my parents super often, and I would be able to relieve some guilt I’d have about leaving and be able to check in on mom and dad all the time. So there are a lot of hurdles, and if’s, BUT that is the plan, and that is my biggest goal right now; other then continue doing what I’m doing, get that year coin in NA and celebrate making it this past year and keep doing it so everything else could then be possible.
So that’s my life today and future plans for tomorrow. I’ll get back into the old blogging habit soon again and start talking about more then just my shit, but hey - it is my blog ;-) Love to you all.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
another day another lesson
so sometimes life sucks, what can i say? i just got dumped - after 6 weeks....point is - little lessons learned, again after only 6 weeks. i care and trust too easily, i fall to quick, people hurt you even with the best of intentions, and maybe single is the very best idea for me right now.... not that anyone told me that these last 6 weeks of course, hahaha. All the people who love me and care about me, many from NA many not are all worried that i'm just so devistated that i'm going to run and get high. Let me tell you, I've been through much worse in already my "less then a year" recovery - and it'll take more then that to knock me out. I'm sad, yes - hurt, yes - but i will be just fine in a small ammount of time, i have too much support not to be....i think it would truly be impossible :-) I love all the concern and all the amazing people that care enough to worry, but i promise that i'm ok. I'm going to write more soon, promise...i just wanted to put that out there tonight. I've missed blogging, and I'm going to start back up and try to finish my year blog commitment, just with a few weeks off, ;-)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Again it's been too long!
Hi Everyone - I'm failing again with my blog; so here I sit and will try to at least catch everyone up on the recent occurances in my life. There have been some major changes so again I can't believe that I haven't been writing....but here I go.
Dad was admitted into Glens Falls hospital again a few weeks back. The stayed about a week and then went to Sunnyview Rehabilitation Center in Schenectady (go figure, more Schenectady) where he stayed just 7 days. It's a great rehab place for people who have had strokes, accidents, heart attacks, and supposably for people with pulmonary problems as well. We had heard amazing things about the facility as well from friends and family who had personal experiences there - well we were less then thrilled with the outcome of his stay. He came home, seemingly worse then when he left, able to care for himself even less. I'm assuming it's because he got used to the nurses helping him with everything, so he got lazy and when he came home was expecting mom and I to be his new nurses, well not new nurses - but like the ones he had there. Within 48 hours from his homecoming I was calling 911 again and he was on his way back to Glens Falls Hospital. Now he is over at the Tri County Nursing Home doing rehab there. We are not yet sure if he is just doing a 20 day program, or if it will become his new home, but we are just taking it one step at a time for now. I know he wants to come home at the end of this period of time, but again we're just not sure if that is in any of our best interests. He's only been there 3 days, but so far so good. They really treat it like it is home for their clients - nurses knock on the door before entering, visitors are allowed until 9PM, unlimited. We can bring in food, eat meals with him, etc...possibly even take him out of the nursing home for car rides, or things like that....all good stuff. So that's the catch everyone up to speed when it comes to Dad.
Mom is doing really well for the most part. Obviously she misses dad, and is preparing for a huge change in her life, a large chapter that might be coming to an end (just him and her never living together again possibly.) But she is still sober, which is a miracle all on it's own - that she has been able to handle all of this without relapsing. I can't say that I don't think she would have by now if it weren't for all the health repercussions that would occur, but none the less she hasn't and is doing pretty well. Again I'm not going to spill her shit on my blog, but I just want everyone to know that she is OKAY. We still need to get going and heading towards to transplant list evaluations, but that is a little ways away in the future for now and we will take that as it comes as well. Her and I for the most part are also doing really well. The fighting is at a minimum - bickering, arguing- YES...fighting, not so much. We are spending a lot of time together at nights, talking, watching movies, etc...and it's been nice. No one in the world has any idea what we are going through but us, and even our feelings and emotions aren't the same, but as similar as they can get. It's always just been the 3 of us, a little unit, so it's so important that we stick together now and get through all this as that unit.
I am getting ready to FINALLY graduate Conifer Park. I've spoken to my counselor, and it looks like I might go to 1 more group and have 2 more individual sessions with him, and then I will officially be completed. I never complete anything either, so that alone is big for me. I'm so proud that I stuck it out too, because there have been times where I wanted to just say "screw it" and stop going, months and months after I had begun...thinking I had already gotten everything out of it that I could have gotten....but I'm so glad I did this the right way, so I can walk out those doors with my head held high, on good terms, and have that stupid little piece of paper saying that I finished something the right way. It will obviously only help me in Family Court as well. I just have so much respect for their program, the staff there, the clients there, so I'm just glad that I'm leaving under such good terms that I can continue to use the counselors as part of my support network, and stop in from time to time to visit.
Monday I am going to Bolton School and speaking with a fellow addict that I asked to join me. We are splitting it up into two groups, 9th and 10th graders first, for 2 periods...then 11th and 12th for two periods. It's going to be like an assembly, which is a little nerve wracking. When I went to JCS, I walked into my old Health Class and stood in front of a dozen kids and spoke, this is a much different scenario....over a hundred students in each group, microphones, podiums, gymnasiam, etc...it's exciting, but yeah I'm a little nervous. It's good though that I'm bringing someone else along - it's a guy, so hopefully the male students will be able to relate a little bit better to him then they would me - we have different stories, different drugs of choice, a lot of differences...so this way all these kids can hear a lot more information then if I had just gone solo. Plus if I freeze up and end up only speaking for 10 minutes and then not knowing what to do, I'll have him to come in and take over - and I am sure he would do just that. He's a talker just like I am, so between the two of us I'm sure we will do just fine.
Brian is doing amazingly. We just got a new bed for my room, and a new dresser and TV for his. He's been also starting to fall asleep without mommy by his side, 3 nights in a row, which is huge for us! Pretty soon we will be in seperate beds and rooms compeltely, and he will officially be a big boy - part of me is so excited, part os devistated, lol. He and I are going to Kindergarten round up on the 12th, so that will be good - I know he's ready in 99% of the area's he needs to be, but socially he's lacking a little. Plus I am way to easy on him and we need to start really getting some discipline in his life. I'm working on that more and more, and this summer I'll continue too, so he's not just a terror once school starts - and so the kindergarten teacher doesn't go crazy and kill me once she gets tormented by my son :-)
So I'm still seeing that guy I told you about last time I wrote. Things are progressing nicely, and things aren't as casual as I said they were last time I wrote either. I don't think we necessarily have the girlfriend/boyfriend title, but neither of us are seeing other people, and we are making plans for the summer and stuff like that, so this possibly could turn into something more then I had anticipated. None the less I really like him, and am having a great time spending this time with him, so it's all good.
I have court this coming Thursday. I got pulled over last week because my car was uninspected...come to find out it was also unregisterd...and even better, my liscence had been suspended for an unpaid ticket from almost two years ago. The ticket is taken care of, as is all the stuff with the car, so I'm praying that when I go to court and show that I got it all taken care of they will have mercy on me :-) I'm so grateful though because the day I got pulled over could have been so much worse and it wasn't. First off the officer was really nice, although he still wrote me for everything he could have written me for. But I had explained to him why my son in the back seat might have been a little scared of him - the whole story I told this cop - when I told him I was an addict he asked if there was anything in the car he should know about - I help up my 9 month key tag from N/A, and told him I now had 11 months...he smiled, and then was even nicer to me. I couldn't drive of course though so again I am so grateful because I had someone to call who was there for me just as soon as he could have been. Donny, the owner of Brant Lake Taxi (the cab company that takes me to Conifer) got right in his cab and came for me and Brian. Not only did he pick me up, but he brought me to Glens Falls to pick up the guy that I'm seeing, then all the way back to North Creek, never accepting a cent from me. Talk about an amazing man, who did me a huge favor...I owe him. I am just so grateful that today I have people in my life that I haven't screwed over so many times who will come and help me if I call...for years it wasn't like that - they would have thought I was trying to just scam them or pull one by them...but today people are beginning to really trust me again.
I also am meeting with Donny and his partner Kieth next week who just bought another business, a bar and restaurant and hotel. I am sitting down with them and sharing some idea's I have for the place and giving them a resume, to show how much experience I have in that kind of business, and in that field. I'm hoping to help them get things opened, and to end up with a nice little part time job as well - to start - obviously hopeful that it could turn into more later after it gets going...but we'll see about all that too. I'm just excited to propose some idea's I have for their new business and possibly end up with a job as well.
I also found a sponsor, FINALLY! I'm excited to start working with her on the steps and other things....I'm going to try and get into H and I - hospitals and institutions, which is like speaking at rehabs, schools, and last week I shared at a meeting at Glens Falls BHU unit....good stuff.
I'm sure there is more to report on and write about but I have to hop in the shower, and get moving. I'm picking up "my friend" later this afternoon, and I have a million and 1 things to do before then. Jim actually has Brian for the day, which is nice for us all - Brian has been missing him, and I will enjoy a day off. I really will try again to keep writing more regularly, but I said that last time so I won't make any promises.
I'm happy today. I'm grateful today. On this day 11 months ago I was detoxing in SCJ, and to remember that gives me the chills, but it helps me appreciate where I am today and for that I am also grateful. God Bless, keep in touch, much love and have an amazing weekend. And for all your mother's out there - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
Dad was admitted into Glens Falls hospital again a few weeks back. The stayed about a week and then went to Sunnyview Rehabilitation Center in Schenectady (go figure, more Schenectady) where he stayed just 7 days. It's a great rehab place for people who have had strokes, accidents, heart attacks, and supposably for people with pulmonary problems as well. We had heard amazing things about the facility as well from friends and family who had personal experiences there - well we were less then thrilled with the outcome of his stay. He came home, seemingly worse then when he left, able to care for himself even less. I'm assuming it's because he got used to the nurses helping him with everything, so he got lazy and when he came home was expecting mom and I to be his new nurses, well not new nurses - but like the ones he had there. Within 48 hours from his homecoming I was calling 911 again and he was on his way back to Glens Falls Hospital. Now he is over at the Tri County Nursing Home doing rehab there. We are not yet sure if he is just doing a 20 day program, or if it will become his new home, but we are just taking it one step at a time for now. I know he wants to come home at the end of this period of time, but again we're just not sure if that is in any of our best interests. He's only been there 3 days, but so far so good. They really treat it like it is home for their clients - nurses knock on the door before entering, visitors are allowed until 9PM, unlimited. We can bring in food, eat meals with him, etc...possibly even take him out of the nursing home for car rides, or things like that....all good stuff. So that's the catch everyone up to speed when it comes to Dad.
Mom is doing really well for the most part. Obviously she misses dad, and is preparing for a huge change in her life, a large chapter that might be coming to an end (just him and her never living together again possibly.) But she is still sober, which is a miracle all on it's own - that she has been able to handle all of this without relapsing. I can't say that I don't think she would have by now if it weren't for all the health repercussions that would occur, but none the less she hasn't and is doing pretty well. Again I'm not going to spill her shit on my blog, but I just want everyone to know that she is OKAY. We still need to get going and heading towards to transplant list evaluations, but that is a little ways away in the future for now and we will take that as it comes as well. Her and I for the most part are also doing really well. The fighting is at a minimum - bickering, arguing- YES...fighting, not so much. We are spending a lot of time together at nights, talking, watching movies, etc...and it's been nice. No one in the world has any idea what we are going through but us, and even our feelings and emotions aren't the same, but as similar as they can get. It's always just been the 3 of us, a little unit, so it's so important that we stick together now and get through all this as that unit.
I am getting ready to FINALLY graduate Conifer Park. I've spoken to my counselor, and it looks like I might go to 1 more group and have 2 more individual sessions with him, and then I will officially be completed. I never complete anything either, so that alone is big for me. I'm so proud that I stuck it out too, because there have been times where I wanted to just say "screw it" and stop going, months and months after I had begun...thinking I had already gotten everything out of it that I could have gotten....but I'm so glad I did this the right way, so I can walk out those doors with my head held high, on good terms, and have that stupid little piece of paper saying that I finished something the right way. It will obviously only help me in Family Court as well. I just have so much respect for their program, the staff there, the clients there, so I'm just glad that I'm leaving under such good terms that I can continue to use the counselors as part of my support network, and stop in from time to time to visit.
Monday I am going to Bolton School and speaking with a fellow addict that I asked to join me. We are splitting it up into two groups, 9th and 10th graders first, for 2 periods...then 11th and 12th for two periods. It's going to be like an assembly, which is a little nerve wracking. When I went to JCS, I walked into my old Health Class and stood in front of a dozen kids and spoke, this is a much different scenario....over a hundred students in each group, microphones, podiums, gymnasiam, etc...it's exciting, but yeah I'm a little nervous. It's good though that I'm bringing someone else along - it's a guy, so hopefully the male students will be able to relate a little bit better to him then they would me - we have different stories, different drugs of choice, a lot of differences...so this way all these kids can hear a lot more information then if I had just gone solo. Plus if I freeze up and end up only speaking for 10 minutes and then not knowing what to do, I'll have him to come in and take over - and I am sure he would do just that. He's a talker just like I am, so between the two of us I'm sure we will do just fine.
Brian is doing amazingly. We just got a new bed for my room, and a new dresser and TV for his. He's been also starting to fall asleep without mommy by his side, 3 nights in a row, which is huge for us! Pretty soon we will be in seperate beds and rooms compeltely, and he will officially be a big boy - part of me is so excited, part os devistated, lol. He and I are going to Kindergarten round up on the 12th, so that will be good - I know he's ready in 99% of the area's he needs to be, but socially he's lacking a little. Plus I am way to easy on him and we need to start really getting some discipline in his life. I'm working on that more and more, and this summer I'll continue too, so he's not just a terror once school starts - and so the kindergarten teacher doesn't go crazy and kill me once she gets tormented by my son :-)
So I'm still seeing that guy I told you about last time I wrote. Things are progressing nicely, and things aren't as casual as I said they were last time I wrote either. I don't think we necessarily have the girlfriend/boyfriend title, but neither of us are seeing other people, and we are making plans for the summer and stuff like that, so this possibly could turn into something more then I had anticipated. None the less I really like him, and am having a great time spending this time with him, so it's all good.
I have court this coming Thursday. I got pulled over last week because my car was uninspected...come to find out it was also unregisterd...and even better, my liscence had been suspended for an unpaid ticket from almost two years ago. The ticket is taken care of, as is all the stuff with the car, so I'm praying that when I go to court and show that I got it all taken care of they will have mercy on me :-) I'm so grateful though because the day I got pulled over could have been so much worse and it wasn't. First off the officer was really nice, although he still wrote me for everything he could have written me for. But I had explained to him why my son in the back seat might have been a little scared of him - the whole story I told this cop - when I told him I was an addict he asked if there was anything in the car he should know about - I help up my 9 month key tag from N/A, and told him I now had 11 months...he smiled, and then was even nicer to me. I couldn't drive of course though so again I am so grateful because I had someone to call who was there for me just as soon as he could have been. Donny, the owner of Brant Lake Taxi (the cab company that takes me to Conifer) got right in his cab and came for me and Brian. Not only did he pick me up, but he brought me to Glens Falls to pick up the guy that I'm seeing, then all the way back to North Creek, never accepting a cent from me. Talk about an amazing man, who did me a huge favor...I owe him. I am just so grateful that today I have people in my life that I haven't screwed over so many times who will come and help me if I call...for years it wasn't like that - they would have thought I was trying to just scam them or pull one by them...but today people are beginning to really trust me again.
I also am meeting with Donny and his partner Kieth next week who just bought another business, a bar and restaurant and hotel. I am sitting down with them and sharing some idea's I have for the place and giving them a resume, to show how much experience I have in that kind of business, and in that field. I'm hoping to help them get things opened, and to end up with a nice little part time job as well - to start - obviously hopeful that it could turn into more later after it gets going...but we'll see about all that too. I'm just excited to propose some idea's I have for their new business and possibly end up with a job as well.
I also found a sponsor, FINALLY! I'm excited to start working with her on the steps and other things....I'm going to try and get into H and I - hospitals and institutions, which is like speaking at rehabs, schools, and last week I shared at a meeting at Glens Falls BHU unit....good stuff.
I'm sure there is more to report on and write about but I have to hop in the shower, and get moving. I'm picking up "my friend" later this afternoon, and I have a million and 1 things to do before then. Jim actually has Brian for the day, which is nice for us all - Brian has been missing him, and I will enjoy a day off. I really will try again to keep writing more regularly, but I said that last time so I won't make any promises.
I'm happy today. I'm grateful today. On this day 11 months ago I was detoxing in SCJ, and to remember that gives me the chills, but it helps me appreciate where I am today and for that I am also grateful. God Bless, keep in touch, much love and have an amazing weekend. And for all your mother's out there - HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
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