My 90th post...

Wow 90 posts, much less then I should have if I had followed my original daily writing plan, but still a decent amount of posts from yours truly through-out these past months.

Let's see, I doubt this will be much more then a catch ya up blog, but hey once i get writing ya never know how in depth I’ll get :-)

MOM MOM - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH phew ok feel better after all that yelling. Deal is that she's back in the hospital. We were supposed to go to Westchester with Brian on Monday morning, train tix bought, hotel reservation secured, bags packed....then 3 hours before we were supposed to leave she experienced some excruciating pain which turned into a panic attack which turned into another 911 call. 2 1/2 days later she's still in the hospital. My poor mom had to undergo yet ANOTHER blood transfusion this afternoon, which was supposed to be followed by yet ANOTHER colonoscopy - which ended up getting called off 5 minutes after they began because she was in so much pain the doctor couldn't put her through it. So now what? Good question. She MIGHT get transferred directly from Glens Falls Hospital to Westchester, which I'm keeping my fingers crossed for. Deal is that although we have the Cirrhosis diagnosis the Dr's here still can't figure out what is causing her bleeding and loss of blood counts to the point of needing transfusion after transfusion. Hopefully if she went to Westchester they could figure that out, along with follow through with the appointment she was supposed to have there yesterday. I don't think she wants the transplant, I think if she had it solely up to her she would just come home, take her meds as prescribed and wait it out - I think she's too scared to imagine another alternative, unfortunately I think the painful, slow deteriation that would happen her way would be much scarier. Ultimately it's up to her though, so I just have to kind of follow her lead. Point is though that I'm not ready for my mom to die - I'm 27, my father has been tip toeing around his own grave for decades and now my mom looks like she's more ill then him at this point. I get that I’m an 'adult' that I have my own son, but I just still can't picture my life without a mom or dad - it's too much to even think about most of the time, but the reality of it all hits hard when it hits. So enough about that, it really is what it is, and I just have to really pray and hope that she finds the strength to fight and that the doctors have the capability to help her in that fight.

Brian’s doing well. I’m trying to keep him as far removed as possible from all the sickness and concern that swallows up our home. He’s a tough lil man but come on, how much can any kid really go through? He’s at his fathers right now, which sucks - as usual I just miss him like crazy while he’s gone and can’t wait till Saturday morning when he comes home. He starts school soooooooooo soon I can’t believe it! I think it’ll be really good for him to get into a schedule like that, make friends, have time away from everything - all and all I think it’ll help with his becoming more independent and it’ll just be all around a great thing for him. It’ll take me a little getting used to, but I’ll survive! I’m just happy that I have him on weekends, so at least I can count on those days (other then when I’m working of course.) And I get to send him off to school Monday, Tue and Wednesday also so in all reality I do get him the majority of the time, it just doesn’t feel like it lately - but again it’s good for him to be away from me and with his dad, he’s so close to the girlfriends son, and I know he has a blast over there…I’m sure he gets a little homesick at night but other then that he’s adapting really well in that department.

Works going well. It’s just frustrating - all year when I was unemployed it was a huge priority to get a job. During that time between mom and dad’s hospital stays, nursing home stays, etc we all said countless times how fortunate I was that I hadn’t yet found a job….because of all the other stuff that was going on. Then things would calm down, and right back to needing to find a job. Well now I have a job - and I have for about 6 weeks…well I made it 6 weeks before something happened, but now that it has I hate the idea of having to be at work and not on automatic standby incase something happens and I need to go to the hospital. I cant loose this job, god knows how long it might be before I could find another….. But I can’t expect any employer to be ok with the chaos that is my life and how it might interfere with work - again it hasn’t yet, but it seems like it’s only a matter of time, THEN WHAT?
Westie gets out on September 3rd, I can’t believe it! We’ve been in touch since day 1 of our arrest, even received a letter from him from Sch. Cnty jail the day I was getting ready to head off to rehab - we wrote while I was in rehab, we wrote while I was at the half way house, and we’ve written since….our letters have been one of the only constants I’ve had this whole year. I let him know that I can’t allow him to see Brian when he does get out (he’s not coming home here, but to Saratoga) there are a million and 1 reasons, but I have to respect Jim as Brian’s father, his wishes, I can’t take any chances with Brian’s heart, ever again, etc etc etc. Westie understands completely but I know he wishes it were different, again him and Brian were so close for a long time, they always had a very special bond…but that doesn’t take away from how things went down and all that happened, so I just can’t take any chances. I’m just happy that he’s getting out of the hell hole/prison he’s been in for over a year…that he’ll be going right into another drug treatment program, that he’ll be on parole for 1 ½ years (meaning lots of drug tests.) I just really pray that he does alright for himself. He’s a good person - he just has made a lot of mistakes, but as have I and I was given another shot, as a mom, daughter, employee, granddaughter, citizen, etc - so I just hope he gets the same kind of chance.

I could write more, but I won’t. I’m just going to lie down and watch something mindless on TV. I work tomorrow @ noon, and until then I have zilch going on so a forced relaxation period it is. Take care everyone….and I’m here and will be writing soon.

catch up

I'm sitting here with Rex (the new puppy) under my feet, Brian on the bed behind me playing Mario, a Red Bull to my left and my keyboard front n center...I want to spend some time and really write a blog, something I feel like I haven't done in FOREVER .........but I know that won't be possible - Rex will need to go out, Brian will get bored with Mario, and I'll be snatching the Bull and running around instead within minutes I'm sure. So here is just another quick check in from yours truly, but believe me when I say that I wish I could really "blog."

I'm taking mom to Westchester on the 23rd to the hospital where she could potentially end up having the transplant. This will be the first of many differrent appointments, I'm sure - but it's the first step to getting her on the list officially. So I'll let you all know how that goes. I'd love too bring Brian with us, if Jim allows it ( arg ) I just think he'd get a kick out of the train ride, hotel stay, even the hospital will be big and huge and interesting for a 5 yr old I'm sure. I was pretty in awe when I went through all this with dad at 12 - as history repeats itself we'll see how it plays out this time around.

Works going well. Of course someone already went to my boss, the owner of the restaurant and told them that I'm a junkie, who by the way is still using. She didn't believe the rumor, but it just sucks that I have to deal with it after 15 months .... but it's the price I will pay I suppose. I just wish people would talk about the good things I'm doing instead of assuming once a junkie always a junkie. But it's all good at work, so I'm trying to pretend that didn't even happen because other then that it's been a really good experience thus far. The people I work for are amazing individuals, just a great, hardworking family who I really respect. Hours are great, money is pretty good, so I'm happy.

Brian's all ready for school, I guess as ready as him or I will ever be, lol. At least he has all the school supplies, book bag, clothes, etc - so we're ready in regards to that stuff. I just can't believe he's really starting school! He's still staying with Jim usually 3 nights a week, which I'm still not getting used to. I'd love 2, but for some reason that 3rd night just makes it feel like he's never here, it's hard to explain...but I just hate that I have to share so much of his life. Obviously I'm sharing it with his father who deserves to experience it all as much as I do, it still just is hard. I hate that he has two homes, and I just hate the whole situation...I wish Jim and I had still been madly in love, in a happy relationship, a healthy one - and that we were all together as a family. I 100% know that's not how it was though, I just wish it had been, ya know?

So I am trying Match.Com for ONE month. 1 out of every 5 marriages now stems from an online dating site, crazy huh? Even my Aunt met her husband that way - so I figured I would try it, for one month and see what happens. If at the end of that month I don't even get 1 semi-normal, interesting date out of it then I'll unsubscribe and go back to trying to meet people the old fashioned way, which I don't even know how that is. I don't want to meet a dude at a bar, it's not like dude pick me up while I'm taking their orders at work, and I don't go anywhere else really, so options are limited.......again we'll see. I'm really getting used to the single thing and I'm in no way feeling like I NEED to be with someone at this time, so it's ok I can wait.

Ok it's that time - Brian just turned off the game and said those famous words "MOOOOOOOOOOM come on, lets do something." Can't blame the dude, so I'm off going to try and find something fun to do. That's one positive thing though, since I don't see him 24/7 anymore I don't feel burned out at all in the mom area of my life, so I have more patience, and energy and interest in everything Brian while he's here, so it makes the time he is home with me much more fun and enjoyable - so there's looking at it as the glass is half full ... I can be optimistic at times, lol.