Well I'm sitting at the computer desk while Brian is watching some Rugrat movie on Netflix through his Wii and thought I'd briefly blog, again trying to get myself back into the habit.
Today was a nice, average day...Brian got home at 7AM, we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, had some pancakes, played in the snow, shoveled, had some dinner, played some games and now it's almost bedtime. I dare say that it was a perfectly contented average day, and I like those! I feel like I'm currently waiting for the 'other shoe to drop...' and it's not even like things are going so perfectly in my life as it is, but I'm reaching certain levels of comfort and that never seems to last long, so Im a little wearie of it. I've accepted the 4 day a week mom role, for now anyways, and I'm beginning to enjoy my 3 nights I have weekly to myself, to what I want to do....and yes for the record, I feel guilty that I've come to that, and gotten used to it - but I have. Hopefully I can chop it up to growth, allowing change, attapting to undesirable situations that I can't control, etc....hopefully it's not my true selfish nature coming through to the surface.
As much as I feel like I'm on a roll right now and could really dive into some long winded post with tid bits of sanity - Brian is begging for me to play 1 game of Mario Cart with him before he goes off to bed...and quite frankly I'm not very good at saying no to him, he's too damn cute for my own good, LOL. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend, take care!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
1/1/11
Well it's a whole New Year - and since I was probably 13 I always had a little extra smidge of hope on New Years...thinking of it as a clean slate, fresh start. It's pretty stupid to really think that way because it is just another day, things are never any different on 1/1 as they were on 12/31 - but even so there is always that flicker of chance that things will drastically change overnight....again it's dumb to think that way, but like most people I can't help myself.
Strangely enough, I haven't been crazy miserable as of late - I'll even go as far as to say that I've almost been on a level of contentment. I'm not saying there isn't still plenty that needs to change, plenty of ways I can improve my life, endless options of ways I can do so, and there still are tons of things that need to be 'tweaked.' BUT all and all things have been pretty decent lately and I'm not taking that for granted. I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be content, yeah fame and fortune would be great, but I'll be 100% satisfied to just reach a level of existence that is bearable; content on certain levels.
I'm getting used to the way things are now - that Brian is here when he is, and not when he's not....that Jim isn't my husband anymore, even if legally he is....that it'll continue to be an uphill battle for a long time to come....I'm no longer looking so hard for that instant gratification that would change things in a second - I'm grown up enough now to realize that things don't work that way and that the only person to change my life will and always has been me. That doesn't freak me out anymore, which is a big step for me - knowing that someone or something won't just swoop down and fix it all, really understanding that it's up to me........again for anyone who really knows me, knows that just me realizing something so simple once and for all is pretty big.
I still need to find a more reliable job, I have no desire to wake up at 40 and still be waiting tables. I still very much need to be on my own and not living at my parents house with my son at 27 years old. I still need to do a lot of work on myself. But if I look at where I was last year on this day, I see a big improvement, and I dont even need to bring up where I was 2 or 3 years ago at this time....so although I'm not where I want to be yet, I sure aren't where I was and there is something to be said for that also. This was my first Christmas without being a family in a long time - no Jim - no Brian on Christmas Eve - this time last year was when we were officially splitting up once and for all...and the months that followed were rough and I was a pretty big mess. The point is that I'm just happy to not be there anymore, and where I am isn't so horrible. So just starting a new year realizing that and not wishing for crazy unrealistic things sounds good to me.
For now I'm gonna go drink as much coffee as my stomach can hold, hang out with Bri a little, and get ready for work tonight. This wasn't the most insightful or entertaining blog I've ever had, but I thought I should at least check in quick because I haven't written since November. I hope everyone had a great holiday season, and I'm sure everyone is midly relieved at least that it's over :-) Happy 2011 everyone, lets make it a good year!
Strangely enough, I haven't been crazy miserable as of late - I'll even go as far as to say that I've almost been on a level of contentment. I'm not saying there isn't still plenty that needs to change, plenty of ways I can improve my life, endless options of ways I can do so, and there still are tons of things that need to be 'tweaked.' BUT all and all things have been pretty decent lately and I'm not taking that for granted. I've always said that all I ever wanted was to be content, yeah fame and fortune would be great, but I'll be 100% satisfied to just reach a level of existence that is bearable; content on certain levels.
I'm getting used to the way things are now - that Brian is here when he is, and not when he's not....that Jim isn't my husband anymore, even if legally he is....that it'll continue to be an uphill battle for a long time to come....I'm no longer looking so hard for that instant gratification that would change things in a second - I'm grown up enough now to realize that things don't work that way and that the only person to change my life will and always has been me. That doesn't freak me out anymore, which is a big step for me - knowing that someone or something won't just swoop down and fix it all, really understanding that it's up to me........again for anyone who really knows me, knows that just me realizing something so simple once and for all is pretty big.
I still need to find a more reliable job, I have no desire to wake up at 40 and still be waiting tables. I still very much need to be on my own and not living at my parents house with my son at 27 years old. I still need to do a lot of work on myself. But if I look at where I was last year on this day, I see a big improvement, and I dont even need to bring up where I was 2 or 3 years ago at this time....so although I'm not where I want to be yet, I sure aren't where I was and there is something to be said for that also. This was my first Christmas without being a family in a long time - no Jim - no Brian on Christmas Eve - this time last year was when we were officially splitting up once and for all...and the months that followed were rough and I was a pretty big mess. The point is that I'm just happy to not be there anymore, and where I am isn't so horrible. So just starting a new year realizing that and not wishing for crazy unrealistic things sounds good to me.
For now I'm gonna go drink as much coffee as my stomach can hold, hang out with Bri a little, and get ready for work tonight. This wasn't the most insightful or entertaining blog I've ever had, but I thought I should at least check in quick because I haven't written since November. I hope everyone had a great holiday season, and I'm sure everyone is midly relieved at least that it's over :-) Happy 2011 everyone, lets make it a good year!
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